FALLEN DUDES

In this new section of Dudes Magazine, we salute those sweet famous Dudes and Dudettes which have gone to the great beyond since around the time of the release of the last Ish. Celebrity deaths were starting to really overshadow the Dudes News section as of late, so we decided to make the deaths and the Dudes Mag-related news separate pieces. While it’s not gonna be a complete listing of all who have recently kicked the bucket, it will highlight some more memorable peeps. Enjoy!

“Wicked” Wilson Pickett died of a heart attack in January of2006. The singer was 64.

Singer Lou Rawls lost hisbattle with cancer in Februaryof 2006. He was 72.

Al Lewis was 82 when he died of natural causes in Februaryof 2006. The actor was best known for his role of GranpaMunster on The Munsters.

A Dudely babe, the widow of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Coretta Scott King was 78when she died in January of2006. The “Matriarch of the Movement” suffered both a stroke and a heart attack in August of 2005, which led toher death.

Pink Lincolns are a totally BITCH punk bandfrom Tampa, Florida. The band was formed in the mid-80’s by Chris Barrows and Dorsey Martin. These two Dudes are the only remaining original members of the group. Playing withthem on that tour were Kevin Coss on bass and Jeff Fox on drums. Merch Dude was Curt McCall. I recently had the chance to catch a fewwords with Chris and Dorsey at a show in Belleville, Illinois at the Ground Floor in April of 2006.

Before we get started, Dorsey notices my T-shirt. It’s a shirt that reminds you of the fact that the Cubs suck. It says, “Completely Useless By September”.

Dorsey: A guy I used to work with makes those shirts.Nighthawk: Cool. I fuckin’ hate the Cubs.

Nighthawk: Chris, you’re the singer. And Dorsey, you play guitar, right?

Dorsey: Yeah. I’ve actually played drums and bass, also,but right now I’m the guitar player.At this point, a complete douchebag kid comes up to Chrisand tells him how much of an honor it is to meet him because of the mere fact that Screeching Weasel and/or The Queers supposedly recorded at his house in FLA.WOW! Big fucking deal kid. He went on and on and on about how he grew up listening to both bands and that hewas just completely overjoyed by being in Barrows’ presence. Chris told me to just go on and ignore the kid, so Idid. He eventually left the back area and went up front.THANK FUCKING GOD!

Nighthawk: How long is this tour?Chris: 2 weeks. We have real jobs that we have to work. We just get a couple of weeks a year that we can all get off

PINK LINCOLNS

BY: NIGHTHAWK

together and tour.

Nighthawk: Do you guys enjoy touring? Chris: Yeah. Nighthawk: You got a favorite tour story? Chris: There’s so many. Nighthawk: If you could just pick one, what would it be? Chris: I don’t really know. Dorsey: We played at a summer camp in central Florida once. Chris: Yeah, it was just a bunch of kids together, and we were playing for them.

Nighthawk: What’s your favorite band to tour and party with? Chris: The Damned were pretty cool.

Nighthawk: Have you ever been to Europe? Chris: No, but we’ve played all over the U.S., except California. Never been to California. Nighthawk: Really? Chris: Yeah, we might fly there sometime soon to play a

Chris: Stiff Pole went out of business.

Nighthawk: How did you hook up with Iggy Pop, whodid your cover art on “Suck and Bloat” (1994)?

Chris: We mailed him our first few CD’s and asked him

to check us out. That’s basically how it happened. Have you heard of Susan Lowe? Nighthawk: Yeah.

Chris: She was in the John Waters film Desperate Living

(1977). She did the cover art for “No Lo Siento” (2005). Having her do a cover is just as big. Nighthawk: Totally.

Nighthawk: Also, have you enjoyed working with Bill

Stevenson (Descendents, Black Flag, All, etc.)? Chris: Yeah, I met Bill in 1984 with Black Flag. He produced “Pure Swank” and mixed “No Lo Siento”. He’s fantastic.

Nighthawk: Speaking of “No Lo Siento”, how was it

being in the studio to do an album for the first time in 8

years? Chris: Great. It was our first time doing a digital recording. Nighthawk: Yeah, that’s great.

Chris: It was my first non-analog recording. I had to

learn as we went along. We lost a few songs 2 or 3 times. We had to keep re-recording stuff, because it got “lost” in the digital world somewhere. Nighthawk: That sucks Dude. Chris: Yeah, but at least we got to record at Sam Williams (Down By Law/Pseudo Heroes)’ home studio. That

was cool, and we like the end result; especially the mastering.

Nighthawk: Chris, how did the Jackie Papers (formerband he was front man for in FLA) form?Chris: I’ll say that I’m glad I did it, and I’m glad it’s over. We were together 3 years, and released an album and an e.p.

Nighthawk: Okay, this next question is for a friend of mine (S-Squared). He heard a rumor that you have adrumstick that G.G. Allin shoved up his ass. Is that true?

(Both Dorsey and Chris find it humorous and ridiculous.)

Chris: He had a pretty big ass, but I don’t think a whole

set would have fit up there.

Nighthawk: No, I said “drumstick”. Sorry, I’m pretty drunk (about 10 deep at this point).Chris: No, I don’t have a drumstick that he put in his ass. I do have clumps of his hair though that he pulled out ata show in Tampa in 1989. I used a drumstick to shove it in cellophane from a cigarette pack. Chicken John (ex-Murder Junkies guitar) gave me a mic windscreen that has

small chunks of “flesh” that G.G. used.

Nighthawk: Okay, you’ve got a live CD coming out soon on Hazzard. What else is in the near future for the Pink

Lincolns? Chris: The live CD was recorded at a show in Pittsburgh and at a local show. It’ll be available when it’s ready. As far as new shit, we just take our time and try and write good stuff. We don’t wanna rush anything.

Nighthawk: Cool. Last question: if you could play with anyone you haven’t, who would it be? Chris: David Bowie. Dorsey: Alice Cooper. Nighthawk: Right on. Thanks for doing this again.

A little while later, they took the stage and rocked the fuck outta this art gallery place. They playedgreat tunes such as “Monsters”, “I Hate MyFriends”, “Fuck Sex”, and “I Am A Genius”. It was totally BITCH! Visit the Pink Lincolns online at www.pinklincolns.com and if they’re in your area, CHECK THEM OUT!!!

AGAINST ME!

BY: LONEWOLF

Dudes Mag got to get Dudely with Tom (vox, axe) of Against Me! Check it. (Big ups to Vanessa from Fat Wreck Chords for putting it together.)

Lonewolf: How’s the “Roots Occult” tour been with your good ole buds in the Alkaline Trio? Any particular tour highlights thus far?

Tom: I don’t know about any specific highlights. If I had

to pick the two best shows so far though I would say San Diego, and Cleveland, with Cincinnati coming in a close third.

Lonewolf: One thing that’s always fascinated me with Against Me!’s live show is how every set inevitably winds up with half the crowd bro-ing out on the stage with you guys. Honestly, does that ever get distracting/annoying? Tom: I never get annoyed or distracted when the crowd takes the stage over. I consider it the ultimate compliment. It’s also a great way to end a show. It gives it a feeling of completion. Like “well all the equipment is fuckin’ wrecked, so I guess the show’s over”. I like the idea of building up to it though. If people take over the stage from the beginning of the show, it’s like the climax came too soon. You were supposed to wait for it. I’ve heard people complain though, and I can understand it. For those 20 people who get onstage its great, they’re Dead Boys, Echo & the Bunnymen, and uh. . Seal? Tom: It’s a real novelty to be on the same label as all those legendary bands. So far I can’t really comment on how the transition has been, as nothing has really happened. We are on the honeymoon right now; we haven’t actually gotten down to working on anything. We’re still touring for “Searching For A Former Clarity”.

Lonewolf: Do you guys have a date set for when you’re going to start rolling tape for the next record with Sire? The production on the last album was unbelievable. Do you plan on working with J. Robbins again, or have you

even figured that much out yet? Tom: I really don’t have any specifics. I just know that

we are excited about getting moving on this sooner than later. We have yet to talk about anything like production though. J. did just mix the live record. I think he’s amaz

ing and I definitely would love to continue working with

him, if not on the next record, then other future projects.

Lonewolf: Regarding the recent release of “From Her Lips to God’s Ears” 12”. The single features a remix by legendary Beastie, Adrock. How the hell did that come about? Tom: Our manager Tom Sarig gave him a copy of our cd and asked if he would be interested in doing a remix.

Speaking of totally boss collaborations, apparently you just contributed to the upcoming New York Dolls album. What sparked the collaboration and what was it like working with

those Dudes? Tom: It was really kind of surreal working with them. Really great guys. They were acting like teenagers mak

ing their first record in the studio. You could tell they

were having fun with it. Their A&R guy originally approached me about possibly writing a song or two for the record, and I didn’t end up having time for anything with our tour schedule being what it is, so he asked if I’d just be interested in singing on the record. A completely incredible experience that was my honor.

Lonewolf: The title of the DVD you guys released on Fat was “We’re Never Going Home”. As time rolls on, it seems this title couldn’t have been more appropriate. Do you guys ever plan on taking an extended break to catch

up on some chillaxin? Tom: I’m going to keep going until my body breaks.

Lonewolf: Thanks a ton for doing the interview! Feel

free to offer some final thoughts. Tom: No final thoughts, just thanks for the interview.

Be sure to swoop up Against Me!’s latest joint, “Searching For A Former Clarity” on Fat Wreck Chords.

Lonewolf: Any tour highlights so far? Bucket: I think Chicago, Miami, Boston, were all real good shows. New York was great. All the major-market shows have been a lot of fun. Tonight should be a blast too. Our San Antonio shows always go well.

Lonewolf: When you first started playing shows 20 years

ago, could you imagine that you’d still be touring with the Toasters? Bucket: Not at all. If you told me that, I would’ve told you that you’re crazy.

Lonewolf: What would you say is the biggest difference between when you started and the present? Bucket: Simply, now there are just so many more bands. Overall, just the greater awareness of what ska music is. Back then, generally, people in the U.S. were completely oblivious as to what ska music was. The word has got

out and kids now know what ska music is. I figure on one

level, I’ve done my job.

Lonewolf: I’d say you have. What’s your take on where ska music is today? Bucket: A lot of people want to write it off. The fact is, after the big ska bust in the ‘90’s, more people now know about ska music; they listen to it, talk about it, play it, and have an awareness of it. You have to look at it as an up-and-down thing. With “the bust”, it shook out a lot of the bad bands. A lot of the ska bands playing today are the ones who really love it so I think “the bust” was a good thing.

Lonewolf: Moon Ska Records is now defunct right? Bucket: Yeah, we closed that in 2000. But we started a new label called Megalith, which is basically a ska label my friends and I have.

Lonewolf: Can fans still get a hold of old Moon releases? Bucket: Well, a lot of it is out of print. You can find it in

cut-outs. I know Chuck Whren of Jump Up Records still has a bunch of it. There’s also this one guy in Maine who still has a lot of the releases.

Lonewolf: So you’re now living in Spain? How difficult

is it for you to run the show from over there? Bucket: Not difficult, really, because I can talk to everyone through the computer. It doesn’t really matter we’re I’m at because we still get together to do the tours.

Lonewolf: It sounds like it would be a lot of a lot fun for the band. Jason (bass) was telling me that the band gets to go out to Spain when you guys rehearse/record. Bucket: Yeah, in July the band gets to come hang out in Spain for a month. We get to hang out a lot and play a bunch of open-air festivals. Then we’ll spend time in the studio for a couple weeks. So it’s kinda like a working vacation.

Lonewolf: How many members of the Toasters have come and gone? Any idea? Bucket: I don’t really know. It could be at least 100. I’m still in touch with most of them too. Some of them still show up when we roll through their town. They’ll jump up on stage and play a couple songs with us.

Lonewolf: If you could pick your favorite Toasters tour ever, what would it have been? Bucket: Well, I think the most fun tour was the “Skavoovie Tour” in 1993 where we had the Specials, the Selector, and Skatalites. Lonewolf: Wow! I think that actually came through St. Louis? Bucket: Yeah, I believe we played the 1227 club. That was an unbelievable tour and a lot of fun.

Lonewolf: Anything else you’d like to add? Bucket: If people want to check out the website, it’s www.toasters.org or you can check out www.megalithrecords.com. Lonewolf: Alright, thanks man…

Taken from the Comedy Stylings of Lemay Low Life

“Payin’ For It Across the Water”

BY NIGHTHAWK

It was September of 2003, and a school bus full of Dudes was out on the town for Original Dude’s 21st birthday. Before I get started, I wanna point out a couple of things. One, the woman driving the bus and her boyfriend/husband who tagged along were complete white trash. Two, these two individuals totally hot-boxed the bus while we were at our first stop, the Hi-Pointe. The hoosier Dude tried to open the window in the roof to mask the smell of Kodiak Karl, but couldn’t. I helped him out, and sliced one of my fingers open while doing so. Three, when I tried to get the first aid kit open to get a band-aid, I completely ripped it off the wall of the bus, and it broke on the floor. So, we were all having a great time.

Now that you reader Dudes know all of that, I can really get started. We ended up going to 2 bars in the Lou, and then proceeded to cross the water. The plan was to end up at Roxy’s; a strip club which has a feature called the “power shower”. The power shower is basically a shower stall located at the far end of the club, in which two strippers will get in and get wet with each other for the right amount of dough. Someone will turn the water on for a few secs, and then the two broads proceed to eat each other out, and fuck each other with dildos. Basically, it’s the dirtiest tart I’ve been to.

On the way over to Illinois, Big Al asked me if I wanted to go to Buddie’s. Not knowing what it was, I asked

him. He just said that he had read about it in the RFT. I thought it was a bar or a record store in town, and figured that

he wanted to go sometime in the near future. I agreed. Then, he started talking about “double-teaming the bitch”. It was at that point that I knew I was in for a treat. When the bus got to Brooklyn, IL all the Dudes headed to Roxy’s while we headed into the building that read on the outside “Swingers Lounge, Couples Welcome”. Once inside, we each got a Bud from the bar. Then Al asked about getting a room. A fairly large woman came out from the back, and lead us down a hallway which resembled a real shitty motel. Inside the room, we saw a hot tub, a banquet-style chair agains the far wall, and a bed. We gave her the money we had (roughly $78). She asked if we had rubbers, and we told her no. She left to get some Hoops. While she was gone, I turned on the water in the hot tub. We were set on fucking her in the tub. When she came back, she said, “turn that water off! For the money y’all gave me, I ain’t get-tin’ wet!” WOW! What had we really gotten ourselves into? Al had given her $50, and I had thrown in my last $28. I

don’t blame her. She sat down in the lone chair, and asked, “which one of you is first?” We looked at each other like a

couple of little girls, scared and ashamed of what we were doing. He wanted me to go, but I told him that since it was his idea, he should go. He walked over to her, and then she took down his Dudes Blues and began to suck on his member. I, meanwhile, just sat on the edge of the tub and drank my Colder.

After a few more minutes, she said to Big Al, “honey, it ain’t happenin’”. He said, “I know”. He went in the bathroom, and she says to me, “you’re next”. GREAT! FUCKING GREAT! Lucky me, I thought. I went over to her, she took down my Dudes Blues, and started on me. After a few minute, I too was to wasted to make anything happen. We were both shit-faced. Which explains why

we were doing what we were doing in the first place. But

it doesn’t excuse it at all in the least bit. I convinced her to continue with the dick sucking by saying, “I can feel something about to happen. Keep going.” She continued for a couple more minutes, but then stopped and said, “it ain’t happenin’ baby”. I said, “I know”. I went in the bathroom and saw Al’s used rubber in the toilet. I threw

mine in there, too. I flushed the shitter, and walked out of

the john. He threw my leather to me and said, “let’s get the hell out of here”.

We joined the rest of the group at Roxy’s where I immediately saw 8Bit passed out in a chair by the door. Seeing as how I had no more scrilla, I sat down next to the Dude and also passed out for a bit. When the crew of Dudes was ready to roll, we got up and left the tart for the bus. 8Bit passed out on our chariot for the night, and tossed up some Whitie-C’s when he got off in the parking lot at which we were picked up from earlier that night.

Not much happened after that. Big Al and I had made a mistake, but it coincidentally made for a great story. He later paid me back in beers at St. Cecilia’s school picnic. He owed me the money, ‘cause it was all his idea. Thanks Al, and congratulations on the newborn. Good luck the rest of the way.

Compiled By Many Dudes BesidesDad

This time around, the Monster is here to remind you reader Dudes that even though you might not have access to a modern “toilet”, you can still push one through. Just ‘cause you’re somewhere without a porcelain bowl doesn’t mean that you have to squeeze the cheeks and hold it in. Go ahead and be imaginative; find somewhere to lay the cable, but don’t let the cable find you. If you know what I mean. Nighthawk, I’m looking at you, Dude. First off, we’ll go over the obvious “sans bowl” location: the woods. When you’re in the wilderness on a Dudes Camp Trip, just duck off a few steps from other Dudes and pull down your trousers. Then, let it slide out. Grab some leaves next, and get your sphincter as close to clean as possible. Don’t leave it on top of the ground though. All Dudes hate it when they stumble across a pile of animal shit, so don’t return the favor. Throw some leaves on top of it, or if you’re feeling really ambitious, pull up some soil with your paws before you power one out. Then, when you’re finished, throw the earth back on top. It’ll decompose; trust me, I know.

Next, if you’re on a float trip and nature calls, don’t even bother to do what you just read. Stay in the water, pull down your shorts, and let the current take the log(s) downstream. And don’t even worry about dingleberries; the water takes care of any hangers-on. I know B-Rad has exercised this option in the past. This reminds

me; don’t ever swallow any water in a river on a float trip.

Also, don’t drink any beer from a can that you drop in the

river on a float trip. Just remember, a Dude probably just

shit in the waterway that you dropped your Coldie in. Finally, I will inform Dudes where to push it out

while on the Gym Shoe Express. If you’re hoofin’ it

through the metropolis and you feel it coming on, don’t fret. Although many businesses only let you utilize their shitter if you “purchase” something, which is complete

bullshit (no pun intended), you can always find an alley

which is about as busy as a nun’s cunt. In other words,

nobody’s home. Step behind the first dumpster you see,

and drop trow. For those of you who are retarded, that means “get your pants at your ankles”. Just relax, and let

it flow. As far as preventing diaper rash goes, find a paper

nearby if you’re comfortable with getting a disease such as hepatitis or even the Clap. If not, surrender a Tubie. Another reason why Dudes should always wear socks is that you never know when you’re gonna have to wipe your ass with one.

While I didn’t cover all ground of shitting in public sans shitter, I did get started on it. Just remember that the world is your toilet (and trashcan). Take full advantage of it. Don’t ever think that you can only shit in a toilet. That’s just stupid to believe that. So, always be on the lookout for a spot to power one. Although you might not have to, another Dude might, and you also wanna look out for your future. There is nothing like having to shit in public, but already knowing where you’re gonna do it at. Fellow log-pushers, SHIT ON! C.M.

CABLE OF THE MONTH

SUBMITTED BY THADEAUS VON By Nighthawk

A recent development as of late (basically the last year or so), members of Dudes Mag staff have been using code words in place of the numbers on a clock. For instance, instead of Nine, it’s “Niner from Caroliner” or just simply “Caroliner”. I can’t recall exactly what it all developed from, for those who find it confusing, here is a quick cheat sheet to Dudes Time.

The code words each rhyme with the number they stand for. For example, Blyleven is for 7 and 11. Blyleven, for those who are unfamiliar, is the last name of a former MLB pitcher. Burt Blyleven was totally BITCH and so is using his last name instead of saying boring old 7 or 11. “Seven from Blyleven” is how you would pronounce 7 o’ clock. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a.m. or

p.m. And by the way, you can use these words in place of number amounts, too. It’s not just for time, but is primarily. If a Dude asks how many deep you are, answer him “Blyleven”. He should know what you’re referring to.

Moving on, a more recent development has been that of code words for minutes within the hour. Don’t be lame and say, “Seven-Thirty”. “Blyleven-Chirt” is the way to go. “Blyleven Cross Saw” means 7:10. “Cross” means plus, “Sans” means minus, “Lincoln” means 5, and “Saw” means 10. “Dub-Saw” means 20. “Chirt” means

30. “Fort” means 40. “Fift” means 50. Instead of “Twenty After Seven”, use “Blyleven Cross Dub-Saw”. You’ll be more well-respected amongst other Dudes. “Blyleven Cross Saw, Sans Lincoln” is Dudes Time for 7:05. That’s about it. I’ll leave you with a short list of the hours and number amounts for which we have code words. While it’s short, it’s all we have so far. If you have any more, send them in to dudesmagazine@hotmail.com SWERVE!

Six	“Sixer From Elixir” or “Elixir”
Seven EightNine	“Seven From Blyleven” or “Blyleven” “Eighter From Decatur” or “Decatur” “Niner From Caroliner” or “Caroliner”
Ten	“Tenner From Denver” or “Denver”
Eleven	“Eleven From Blyleven” or “Blyleven”

Rock ‘n’ Roll + Mad Dog = Lost Rigg

BY MR. RIN TIN TIN I woke up fully clothed above the covers to the cutting yell of my mother asking, “Matthew, where’s your car?” Without moving, I yelled back, “It’s out front”. But, in fact, it was not, as I discovered after Zoe badgered me enough to get up and take a look outside. The funny thing about the situation was that I had no idea where the hell it was. I believed I was telling the truth when I said it was out front. Since I was still fully clothed from the night before, I reached into my pocket and found the keys; quite peculiar. Where could my ride be and how

did I get home? I figured I must have left it at some other

Dude’s house so I went back to sleep for awhile before calling some Dudes so as not to break the unwritten rule of no calls before noon. When I did wake up and start calling some Dudes they had a good laugh, but no information. So then I began to piece together what I could remember from the previous night.

The night before began with picking up Dad on the way to see O.D., Bunkley, and company’s band (J.D. Blow and the Back Stage Bettys) at Rock Island. We had a couple Colds before the show and plenty at the show, but not a ridiculous amount. After rockin’ to the Dudes’

A few days later, I got a call from the Po-Pos; they had found my rigg. It was about ten blocks away from Bunkley’s, but not on a direct route to my house. The cop asked if it was possible that I might have just lost it, I told the cop that it must have been a prank by some of my buddies. Smooth. So in the end, it cost me 100 clams to get it out of the impound lot and a fin for beer money to get a guy at the lot to give me a jump. However, to this day it remains a mystery as to how I got home. Did someone from the party see me driving erratically and get me to pull over? But no one remembers doing this. Did a random stranger give me a ride? But who is so kind? Or did they want to and succeed at violating me? But my arse was not sore. Did I walk all the way home? But my legs were not sore. Perhaps I will never know. I sure did get asked a million times about the situation and if I was violated, to which I have no answer. So Dudes be careful not to get Rigg Losin’ Drunk. It will cost you some bread and you will be questioned about it for weeks. Personally, I blame the Mad Dog.

Dudes Grooming Tips

BY DEEP SPACE DAN

Hey Dudes! Have you ever considered sporting a mustache? Well you should. Mustaches make you look like a famous painter. They really give you a distinguished air. I prefer the little manicured mustache with a period under the mouth. Do not grow a bushy mustache or you’re a dirty dog. (Tom Seleck)

What Dudes rock ‘staches? Oh, nobody. Just the Nuge, Chuck Berry, and Salvador Dali. Also cowboys, conquistadors, and the Devil. Nowadays pencil mustaches seem to be more popular with young black men. It’s less common to see young white guys with the Musty even though all your white uncles used to have ‘em. And mustaches are hetero as hell so forget about that. You’re not gay, a cop, or a baseball player. You’re a Dude starting a movement.

What great things happen to you when you have a mustache?

Chicks galore. They will call you “sexy trailblazer”. It takes balls to rock a ‘stache. You stand out from all the fair-faced boys in the crowd.
Just as it filters the dirty air from entering your nose, it filters fools from wasting your time with bullshit. They

know who you are just by lookin’ - a real Dude.

3. The guy at the gas station and everybody will respect you like some Spanish General. You’ll notice people buying you drinks and opening doors for you. You may be

asked to deliver a baby or direct traffic.

Also consider that animals use whiskers as a sixth sense and balance. They notice slight vibrations in the air with their whiskers.

Nighthawk is already growing his ‘stache back. I heard that 8Bit, Nighthawk, and D-Bomb had a mustache growing contest one time. D-Bomb used eyeliner to darken his patch. But you can’t rush a real mustache. Comb, trim, and shape whatever hair you can sprout under there for months if necessary. You’ll be so proud of your little baby.

Just ask Eric Eise how much he loved his and he’ll tell you. He will also warn you about shaping it too much. Eric shaped his ‘stache clean off his mug. You know I just realized that everybody would have a mustache already if they didn’t shave ‘em off. So really the question is why shave yours off?

Next article is gonna be about when and how to wear a nice cape.

Great Tits Does Not Always Mean Hot

BY CO’ SLAW whole staff.) Just look at that brow! She’s got the face of a

Dudes,

homo erectus, the ape-like mammal first able to walkfirst of all, let me

upright. I almost expect her to club someone on the backstate how much I of the head and pull them by their hair back to her cavelove tits. I LOVE

for mating. I’d rather stick my dick in a diseased fish than

THEM! I want to fuck her. What kind of sick world are we living in whensuck titties all the a caveman is considered beauty? I’m getting pissed justlive long day. I writing this fucking article.

mean, this is CO’ Refer to the chart on the inside front cover for hot-SLAW here. How-ness in a broad.

ever, there are concerns that I have for my brethren Dudes. It seems that a growing number of Dudes are solely con-

OFF WITH HIS CHIN!!!

cerned with the mammary glands. There is just so much BY BEEBOP THE DESTROYER more to a broad’s hotness than funbags. There’s ASS, waist, stomach, lips, neck, legs, hair, and face. I mean all I’ve took all I could but I can’t takes no more. those contribute to a burger’s hotnicity. Some are more When it comes to late nightimportant to others, but all factor in. television, the options ofI’ll even go so far as to say if the whole package is entertainment are scant at great, but is ruined by an ugly face, than the skirt becomes best at Ground Zero, mytruly unhot. Some say there’s nothing wrong with a but-crib. Due to not having aterface, and I agree. But she’s called a butterface for a job, and roommates in the reason. Here is an example: Jessica Simpson. That’s a same unemployed club, wesweet rack. Nice legs and ass, too. However, that talent-only get three televisionless broad somehow keeps getting listed in the “top 10” stations. Four channels on hottest celebrity babes in such mags as FHM, Stuff, and a good day if we are lucky. Maxim, which are all basically the same magazine. Not So when eleven o’clock in Dudes Mag, though. That STUPID BITCH has the face comes around I’m stuck

with three viewing options

- Jay Leno, Dave Letter-man, or whatever is on public television which is always hit or miss. There is no doubt that Letterman is ten times funnier than Leno, but in Letterman’s late years, the Dude is seriously losing his mind. He has become senile. Leno, on the other hand, is as fucking bland as toast with no butter. I have no fucking clue how he ever made it on to television. He must have

sucked off some NBC big-wig to fill Johnny Carson’s

shoes. While the “Little Jay Leno” on Late Night With I’ve took all I could but I can’t takes no more. When it comes to late night television, the options of entertainment are scant at best at Ground Zero, my crib. Due to not having a job, and roommates in the same unemployed club, we only get three television stations. Four channels on a good day if we are lucky. So when eleven o’clock comes around I’m stuck with three viewing options - Jay Leno, Dave Letterman, or whatever is on public television which is always hit or miss. There is no doubt that Letterman is ten times funnier than Leno, but in Letterman’s late years, the Dude is seriously losing his mind. He has become senile. Leno, on the other hand, is as fucking bland as toast with no butter. I have no fucking clue how he ever made it on to television. He must have sucked off some NBC big-wig to fill Johnny Carson’s shoes. While the “Little Jay Leno” on Late Night With Conan O’Brien is totally BITCH! Leno is half-fucking retarded. Between his high, tweaking voice and his giant fucking head, he’s really asking someone to beat the shit out of him. The advantage for me or some other fed-up viewer is that his giant fucking dome is a great big target to put a bullet through.

But Leno’s days are numbered. Soon he will realize the amount of his own worth and put a bullet through his own head. And on that day, the real King of Late Night will step forward…that’s right…Conan O’Brien. Conan is fucking hilarious. Aside from being a co-writer for The Simpsons, Conan has got it going on Dudes. You don’t need me to tell you how funny this Dude is, but I had to vent on how bunk Jay Leno is. Fuck you Leno and your huge collection of hot-rods, you flaming pile of douche.

“W” AND THE DICK

BY G-BOMB

How about these two assholes; have any two people fucked up more lives , stolen more money, or stolen more money than these douchebags? This is the worst administration since Caligula. For those of you who don’t read history, Caligula was a Roman Emporer from 19-41

A.D. To give you an idea of how fucked the “C” Man was, he appointed a HORSE to his Roman Council.

A quick update on “W” (Worst) and the Big Dick. In 2000, The Big Dick was appointed to lead a selection committee for a V.P. to run with The Worst. The bombastic prick chose himself! Then the asswipe Governor of Florida stole the election for his jack-off brother. ( Read Caligula’s Rise to Power.) Just before the election, the two dumbfucks were warned by Clinton and his Security Advisor about possible terrorist attacks on American high-rise buildings, using hi-jacked airliners, by Osama bin Laden and his Al- Qaida organization. Naturally, the dumbfucks decide to ignore it and now we have 9-11. The Big Dick swings into action and tells The Idiot to attack Iraq. You know the LIES about this huge fuck-up that has cost over 2,700 American lives, 20,000 wounded and untold thousands of Iraqis dead, and still climbing. But you know, “ STAY THE COURSE.”

When CNN interviews “The Big Dick” and asks

about not finding any W.M.D.’s when HE said they

were there… He says “I never said that”. A tape of his previous interviews shows that it is exactly what he said. This arrogant prick can’t even remember the lies he told and he doesn’t care. If that’s not enough , a day in February, he shoots an American in Texas and doesn’t bother to

GOL’ BRICKERS

BY J-MAN

“I’ve seen a lotta spinals, Dude, and this guy’s a fake. A fuckin’ Gol’ Bricker.” – Walter Sobchak

Good ole Walter. Now there’s a man that knows what he’s talkin’ about. Gol’ Brickers are everywhere. Massive, sweaty, stinking sacs of useless cellulite crammed into sweaties that are stretched tighter that DollyParton’s melon skin. These semi-human Crisco mountains sit on geriatric scooters like “The Blob” eating that phone

booth in the movie. Sausage-fingered, lard cascades in

the middle of the aisle at the vittle shop, damn near running people over, and breathing as heavy as a walrus after a marathon, pretending they need a scooter. There’s no sign of a recent surgery or debilitating physical condition, just laziness brought to a disgusting level. These peopleare the ones who should be walking the most. I hoof it all day, 5 out of 7. I should be the one on the goddamnHoveround! Seriously, ballooning up to the size of a Geo Metro ain’t easy. You have to be as dedicated to pushing maximum density as a fucking marathon runner is tocardio training. So the next time one of these Jackoffs rolls up next to you and grunts, wanting to pass by, pre

tend like you can’t find what you’re looking for or even

see them. This delay of the Twinkie Fest might send their overworked ticker into a tailspin, thusfreeing up a scooterfor those of us who earn the privilege ofbeing lazy. According to the late, greatPat Morita, “Mercyis for the weak”, not the hopelesslyobese.

Serve Me Once Shame On You, Serve Me Twice Shame On Me: Captain All Night Sounds Off On The Recent UnDudely Actions Of The Deftones

BY CAPTAIN ALL NIGHT

First and foremost, I want to clearly state that I am in no way giving up on the D-tones. I have no intentions of writing them off, so don’t let me hear anyone tell me I’m a hypocrite when I go out and buy their upcoming fifth album. I love the Sacramento quintet and will continue to support their musical excellence, however because of many past occasions of bands selling out on what made them who they are in order to sell records, I am putting the D-tones on a short rope (just enough to hang themselves with).

My favorite two aspects about the D-tones are that they always stepped outside of trends following their own path, and they always toured with legitimate bands (believe it or not, there was a time when I considered Korn and Limp Bizkit legitimate bands). From 1995 to 2003, I saw the D-tones tour with bands such as Pantera, Quicksand, Snapcase, Glassjaw, the many great bands that I never even heard of before the 1998 Warped Tour that stopped off at Buder Park, Thursday, Thrice, Incubus, Jane’s Addiction, and Poison the Well (I didn’t actually get to see the show with PTW, but a legitimate band none the less). All of these tours were great reminders that a band could reach immeasurable heights without selling themselves short. In 2003 just before the release of their self titled 4th album, the D-tones launched a small club gorilla tour for the low price of $20 which stopped off at Mississippi Nights. The show lasted almost two hours and totally restored my faith in aggressive music after the fall of Pantera. The show was filled with great excitement, energy, and crowd participation. Chino (for those of you who don’t know, is the lead singer) took every opportunity to take shots at the bullshit Grammies (even though they won one), “New Metal” (bands like Limp Bizkit, Korn, Linkin Park, and Kid Rock), which was just another bullshit trend to come along, that the D-tones separated themselves from with the release of 2000’s White Pony. Maybe I was just too eager for a band to take over where Pantera left off, and that’s my fault, but I remember thinking at that show, at least there’s still bands out there that haven’t forgotten what’s real. My new found piece of mind would be short lived. Later that month I picked up a copy of Revolver magazine because the D-tones were on

the cover. The cover was filled with quotes from Chino

that totally ripped apart bands like Metallica, Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, and Mudvayne.......right the fuck on, because those bands suck the dirtiest of dicks. I began reading the article not knowing the disappointment that I would soon be overwhelmed by. All of these statements were just a weak attempt at trying to justify taking the opening slot on that summer’s Metallica tour with all the same shitty bands that Chino was making fun of. How fucking rich do you have to be, that you would sell out on your own beliefs to make money......Strike One.

I’m a true fan of the D-tones and of music so I know that sometimes these things happen and a band can redeem themselves by putting out great music. No matter what, my first concern with any band is good music. The D-tones 4th album was a great album but at best was “an incomplete album” and that’s a direct quote from drummer Abe Cunningham on their www.deftonesworld. com website (although you may want to take my word for it because the site has been known to infect computers with viruses / keep reading). I have no grudge with that because, let’s face it, as much as you hope for a band’s best showing, sometimes previous albums are hard to top. Later that year, the D-tones were scheduled to play the Pageant with Thursday and Thrice, but that didn’t happen. The show turned into the Point Ho-Ho show at the Savvis Center (for those who don’t know, the Point is a STL radio station that plays “alternative” music – YUK!). Just

the affiliation with the Point alone is enough for Strike

Two, but I’ll call it a foul ball because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with playing a random show with a band you really respect and the fact is they were playing with Jane’s Addiction. I personally like Jane’s so fuck off if you don’t. However the show’s price went up for a bigger, shittier venue so that sucked.

After that, the D-tones didn’t come back through at all on that tour, but no biggie because St. Louis isn’t the only place in the world. Skip ahead to January of 2005. The D-tones put out an email to their mailing list members that promised a new record produced by Bob Ezrin (Pink Floyd, Kiss, and other shitty bands) and would be out in March. Here we are in May of 2006 and still no record. I don’t want to hear any shit about how the record label makes those promises; you do interviews and shit, so tell the fucking truth to the people who actually give a fuck about you. I won’t consider this a strike because when this fucker finally does come out, I’ll be one of the first bastards in line waiting for my copy. During the process of waiting for this album, Chino’s side project Teamsleep released their self titled debut and did a tour for that record. I bought the album and saw the show and don’t regret either, but I do think it’s kind of shitty to promise your fans something you have no intentions on doing. In order to keep the fans listening, the D-tones put out a b-side rarities CD/DVD. The project was really cool, but their fans had been asking for that for years. I’m gonna have to count this as another foul ball because they didn’t put this out for the fans because it’s what they wanted, they put this out so no one would give up on them. I’m honest enough to admit that most of these complaints are

selfish on my part, before the D-tones are rock stars they

are people with lives, families, etc. They don’t answer to anyone but themselves, and that’s the way it should be, but I didn’t ask them to make promises they couldn’t keep.

This past winter, the D-tones headlined the Taste of Chaos tour with bullshit, Gol’ Brickin’ bands like Story of the Year (I don’t give a fuck what color their monkey is or where the fuck they’re from....blow me bitches), and Atreyu (I’m not sure if that’s how you spell that shit and I could give a fuck less about em’). The set list was amazing and considerably different than the last 4 tours which kicks ass to me (always change shit up). Even though I didn’t spend the money to see this particular show at the Family Arena, I was excited to hear about it. Had I gone to the show, I would’ve seen a much heavier (weight, not music) band than I used to know. Whatever, I don’t give a shit about drinking and getting fat, in fact I kind of look at it as the blueprint to my life, because honestly, what the fuck else am I going to do? But these motherfuckers “have gotten so fat that it effects their ability to play” and that’s a direct quote from the only person I know who is a bigger D-tones fan than me (you know who you are). I didn’t spend the money on a ticket because I just figured this would just be a prelude or a warm-up for a better, longer tour with real bands........ I was wrong! The Def-tones will be co-headlining the Cock-sucking, Ass-plowing, Shit-eating Family (sell-out ) Values tour with the best deep throat band going today: Korn. On the D-tones website, Chino was quoted as saying he’s tired of bands that talk about the same thing all the time and he was tired of bands that bitch about a bad childhood over and over........So I guess I’m just wondering what the fuck are you going to do when Korn does that night after night..... Oh I know, you’ll be warming up your vocal chords to do the Ice Cube cover “Wicked”.......Big fucking deal; if I want to watch a bunch of bitches who’ve lost their edge ruin a good song, I’ll go watch Metallica do any of their

Pete Weber Is Totally BITCH!

BY ROCKSTEADY

As all Dudes would agree, bowling is totally Bitch. What better life would there be than to play ten-pin and get paid shit loads of money for it? Free Odor-Eaters, too. St. Louis native, and St. Ann, MO resident, Pete Weber (or PDW) knows all about that life. Dudes total earnings on the Professional Bowling Association tour are $2,780,818, making him the 2nd highest money maker in tour history. Let me get a hunk of that.

Naturally, making that much money and having bowling alleys as a home a way from home, PDW started partying like a rocker and went through two divorces. PDW started wearin’ shades when he played tenpin; bowling alleys can be pretty bright. PDW was not too popular with the competition. He liked to talk trash and in general was a mad man. He was denied the Player of the Year award in 1987 even though he had the most wins in the league and won the Tournament of Champions. Why keep a Dude down?

On top of PDW being bowling’s badass, he also loves the WWE. The nick name PDW was inspired by RVD, and he always does the suck-it crotch slap. He also loves the Birdnals, Lams, and Blues.

You can check out PDW in the documentary A League of Ordinary Gentlemen.

IF I EVER MEET JIMMY BUFFET, HE’S A GONER!

BY CO’SLAW

I work in a bar that fancies itself the “Key West of Kirkwood”. When we don’t have live music, which consists of every band that plays there has playing “Margaritaville” or “Cheeseburger In Paradise”, the CD player on shuffle has at least 4 different versions of those particular songs. They penetrate my brain at inopportune times, like always. To make things worse, there are a group of friends who are all middle-aged douchebags who call themselves “the Parrotheads”. They come in every Wednesday to see these Jimmy Buffet cover bands. They show up with their Hawaiian shirts, singing these lame-ass songs, tipping piss-poorly, generally tempting me to stab them. If I ever get so bored with my middle age that I have to wear flower shirts at a restaurant, while drinking shitty Corona, and the highlight of my week is when I get to yell “where’s the fucking salt?”, then I demand that someone who claims to love me prove it by killing me. Parrotheads … Jesus! I never ever thought that I would meet a group of people more pathetic than Deadheads. I promise that if I ever meet Jimmy Buffet, it will most definitely result in a lengthy prison sentence. I don’t know exactly what I’d do to him, but I can say that it would involve superglue, a broomstick, Venus’ face (my pet pit bull), and lots of Tobasco sauce.

NO DOUBT: DOUBT IT!

BY NIGHTHAWK

Some bands are stupid, some bands suck, and some just won’t go away. No Doubt covers all 3 of these areas quite well. You don’t think so? Well, fuck you then. Because I do. I like girl singers, and I even like girl bands. Call me a fag. Whatever. The runaways were Bitch. The Go-Go’s were Bitch. Joan Jett and the Blackhearts are Bitch. The Donnas were Bitch until they became corporate sluts. FUCK ALL 4 OF YOU! I burned their button that was on my Nighthawk leather (the FIRST one) a long time ago. So I like female rockers, but Gwen Stefani is STUPID! She puts sparkles and shit on her face, and she is the “main attraction” of the band. BULLSHIT! Sure, everyone knows that the lead singer is mucho importante, but there are other members of the group. It’s not like she’s Wesley Willis or some shit. Without “the band”, this bitch wouldn’t be anywhere but selling makeup at Big K. So eat a dick Gwen. Don’t be so full of yourself.

Moving on, the whole SoCal ska-punk Reel Big Fish thing was “cool” for a minute in the mid-‘90s. NOT ANY MORE! Real ska bands like MU330 and The Toasters have never been on SNL. The only thing TRAGIC about “Tragic Kingdom” is that anyone actually bought it. “Just A Girl”? More like Just A Bitch! All of the SHIT these morons call songs are targeted at pre-pubescent girls anyway. They all think the bitch is adorable and so cool to look up to. And don’t let me forget to mention that I think that the guys in the band are LAME AS HELL for being involved in the whole thing. I don’t care if one of them is her brother. FUCK! I’ve got a brother I don’t talk to; it’s not such a big deal. I’ve got 2 more.

Gatorade, How Gay Can You Get?

BY BOMBSON

Alright motherfucker, I love Gatorade. But I’m a conservative when it comes to my ‘rade. I stick with the originals. I like fuckin’ ORANGE, RED (fruit punch) and Goddamn LEMON-LIME. What the hell is Frost and X-tremo and shit? What? No seriously, there is goddamn g-rade called X-tremo, what the fuck is that? Oh, and uh, Cool Blue, Watermelon Ice, Berry, and Ice Punch, are for the WNBA because they are pointless, like the WNBA. Seriuosly Gatorade do The Bomberman a flavor (pun intended) get your shit together.

BY S-SQAURED

EDDIE MURPHY

This Issue’s Dude to Dud is none other than former funnyman Eddie Murphy. Eddie is sometimes credited as Fred Braughton. I would also have some bunk alias if I produced as many shitters as this fool does. You might remember some of his past hilarity in Saturday Night Live, where he made his debut in 1980. Eddie shredded up the small screen with dope-ass characters such as: Buckwheat, Velvet Jones, James Brown and his celebrity hot tub, Gumby, and Mr. Robinson.

Some of his big screen hits were: Raw, Beverly Hills Cop, Trading Places, and 48 Hours where he costared with fellow shitbag Nick Nolte. Ever since then, this dud has been on a downward spiral with his bunk work for Disney and other unDudely movies. You may be thinking that no one can put out two shitty movies in one year, but you’re wrong. Eddie managed to squeeze out both The Distinguished Gentleman and Boomerang in 1992. I saw both of these at some point and remember they both blow.

In the past ten years he has been consistently terrible. He was in: The Nutty Professor, Metro, Mulan, Doctor Doolittle, Holy Man, Life, Bowfinger, The Nutty Professor II, Shrek, Dr. Doolittle II, Showtime, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, I Spy, Daddy Day Care, The Haunted Mansion, Shrek 2, as well as two more television turds The PJ’s and Father of the Pride.

Lets all bow our heads to remember this former funnyman from over twenty years ago, and vow to only watch Eddie Murphy-related work from the early 1980’s, because this Dude is now officially a Dud. Throw the dirt on the coffin because this man is dead to me.

Johnny became a free agent after a sub par season in 2001, but the A’s were willing to stick with him, believing he could turn things around. He would have stayed in Oakland had the economics been different, but the club lacked the resources to sign anyone, so Johnny walked along with Giambi and closer Jason Isringhausen. (Editor’s Note: This marks the FIRST time Damon sold out.)

On December 21, Johnny became a member of the Red Sox. Boston embraced a ragged “Cowboy-Up” esprit de corps, with shaved heads and imaginative facial hair. Johnny wasn’t about to go under the razor, choosing instead to let his hair grow. It all seemed to work, as the Red Sox bats kept the team in games until the final out. Johnny topped the 100-run mark once again, along with 30 stolen bases. (Editor’s Note: Is it just me or is the American League too much like softball; what with the “offense only” mentality and all?)

During Spring Training 2004, Johnny’s caveman look was the talk of baseball. His hair fell around his shoulders and a thick beard covered everything other than his eyes, nose and mouth. (Editor’s Note: Evidently Damon thought he was getting ready for a role in Castaway 2 and not a baseball season.) When he arrived at spring training he blessed his teammates, and later Bronson Arroyo started wearing a T-short that read “What Curse? We Have Jesus On Our Side.” The more important change in Johnny was that he had added 15 pounds of muscle that went almost unnoticed. The extra power he flexed enabled him to work pitchers differently. When the count was in his favor, he could pick out a pitch and, rather than rolling over the top of it, drive it with the kind of backspin that would send it rising toward the fences.

During the 2004 season, Johnny was the catalyst, with 35 doubles, 20 homers, 123 runs, 19 steals and a .304 average. His 94 RBI’s were a career high. In the 2004 post season, the Red Sox were down three to zero in the ALCS vs. the Yankees. The Sox kept on winning and tied up the series, and then cruised to a 10-3 slaughter, completing an unprecedented comeback. Johnny’s six RBIs established a new ALCS single-game record. The Sox would advance to the World Series where they would defeat the Cardinals in a 4-0 sweep.

After completing the 2005 season, Johnny found himself a free agent in a market devoid of leadoff hitters. Agent Scott Boras set the bar high for bidders, which scared off a lot of teams. Finally, the Yankees came across with a four-year deal worth more than $50 million. Damon did the unthinkable and jumped ship to the Evil Empire. (Editor’s Note: Similar to how Roger Clemens started his career with the Red Sox, and then in 1999 after only two years with the Blue Jays, he sold out to the Yankees. What a couple of douchebags!)

Damon was greeted with a mixture of fake money and real bills thrown on the warning track in center when he took the field in his return to Fenway Park as a member of the Yankees. The crowd also taunted him with a chant of “Trai-tor! Trai-tor!” One fan held a sign that read: “Looks like Jesus, Throws like Mary, with the Heart of Judas.”

Damon has been reported to have been driving a Ferrari around New York City with the license plate EMPIR18. This piece of shit is now a true Yankee and a true Dude to Dud. Fuck this motherfucking whore!

DUDE ON THE MOVE

BY ROOT

After living in a sweet 5 bedroom house on the edge of campus for about 4 years, I decided to move out, and live in a 30 foot RV travel trailer in a sweet location. After many parties of multiple keggers, awesome roommates and whirleybird to hang with, and an awesome location and most BITCH landlord, the Dudes at “the blue house on California” decided to part ways and search for more Dudely times.

PROS:

-It’s like I’m camping everyday. -No rent or bills (just have to get propane every now and then). -Tons of outdoor space to do things like build a half-pipe and put in a man tub. -Only roommate is my dog (straight-edge Nikki Sixx). -Can blast metal and not have people turn it down.

CONS:

-Have so much shit that things are usually a bit cramped. -Have to drive in to town. -Small, but nice living conditions. -I can smell my dog’s farts better.

DUDE IN THE ARMY

BY DIRTY MICK

Greetings and salutations from sunny Baghdad, Iraq! It’s the Mick again to bring you another installment “Dude In the Army” a.k.a. my experiences that are the U.S. Army. On the 4th of April I hopped on a plane in Baltimore, Mary

land for my final destination

of Kuwait City, Kuwait. I left with six other guys from my unit to go on the advance party for my unit’s deployment to Iraq. Overseas travel can be long and boring so I made sure to hit a few shots of Jameson and some NyQuil before boarding the plane. The next thing I knew I was in Ramstein, Germany, de- boarded for an hour or so and then back on the plane to fall asleep and wake up in Kuwait. We were quickly hurried off the plane and onto a bus where we were brought to a break area and given water. Then back on the bus and to a reception area where our I.D. cards were swiped and we were separated as to our destinations in Iraq and a few other countries. After about 7 or 8 hours we hopped another bus to Camp Buehring, Kuwait to link up with our point of contact

for our unit in Baghdad. When we finally found the guy

he told us we would have to spend a few days in Kuwait before heading north so we could knock out some initial training that had to be done. Camp Buehring wasn’t a bad place at all. We had A.C. in our tents, hot showers, gyms, good mess halls, a PX, various fast food places, and just about anything else you could really want. The only bad thing about camp Buehring is that it is nicknamed “Camp

Urine”, because there are so many people filtering through

there and they can’t keep the porta johns clean. It really smells like piss just about everywhere you go. There were only 7 of us, so we basically could do as we pleased which was nice. After 4 or 5 days we found out that 4 of us would head north to Baghdad while 3 would stay back and wait for the rest of my unit to hit ground. While driving from one camp to another in Kuwait you will see herds of camels and the nomadic people setting up camp all over. They just set up wherever they feel like stopping. The military has had to stop ranges because a herd of camels

and people wandering onto a firing range. (Editor’s Note:

What’s ironic about this last statement is that the Mick

doesn’t find anything at all interruptive about our military

setting up a range in someone else’s country.) Anyways,

we got bussed back to an airfield and waited for 10 hours

to hop a C-130 to BIAP (Baghdad International Airport). We hit the ground around 3:00 a.m. on the 11th of April and once again were quickly hurried off of the plane and through a reception center to have our I.D. cards swiped,

and get another briefing on being in the country, rules

of engagement, “this is a war zone”, etc. After having a smoke we found the kid who was sent to pick us up, got our baggage, loaded up and headed out. She took us to the Battalion we were sent to that supports head quarters where we signed in, and then got into a vehicle to go sign for a room for the evening. The rooms are little trailers that are all over the place, set up in housing units called “pads”. All of the pads are controlled by a mayor cell that

assigns you by your unit and rank to a specific area. So we got two rooms for the four of us and headed out to find

them and download our bags. After we got all of our shit off the trucks it was around 6:00 a.m. so we had one of the guys take us to the dining facility so we could eat. None of us had slept for over 24 hours so we were getting kind of stupid and obnoxious. After breakfast we wandered around for a while before getting on a bus to go to the PX and buy some useless crap we didn’t need. They have buses that run all over the base that go in loops. After hitting up the PX we got on a bus to take a bit of a tour of the area. Some of it is very beautiful. The area that we are at is one of Saddam’s old hunting grounds and has a huge palace, lakes, canals, and other buildings. Some of it got blown to shit during the initial invasion back in 2003, but on a pretty regular basis and I always wonder; is it outgo

ing, incoming, or just from a firing range? They also do
a lot of controlled detonations that shake the trailers and wake you up. All of these things may make it sound as if I’m in an extremely dangerous area, but I’m not. This place isn’t bad at all. We have trailers with A.C., running water in the bathrooms, a dining facility with just about anything you could want to eat, gyms, internet café’s, etc. It’s basically like Kuwait, just a bit more dangerous and a bit nicer. Don’t get me wrong, there is bad shit going on here. Prime example, NO BOOZE! That’s about the bunkest thing I’ve encountered so far. I’ve heard there are a few ways to get it, but I haven’t pressed that issue yet. Getting caught drinking would/will involve a world of shit for LT McCausland. Another shitty thing is that it is hard
to find Copenhagen, and when you do it’s in the crappy
plastic cans and not the good cardboard ones. Thank God I just got a re-supply of 15 cans the other day. I’m pretty sure there is more whirleybird here than in all of Fayetteville, NC, which is never bad to look at. It’s not so nice to work with, which we have to do since the Battalion I’ve been attached to has females in it, a lot of females. Now I’m not saying that the ladies don’t belong in the workplace, but it’s hard for me to work around females because: 1. they distract me from work when they are cute,
2. we don’t have females in my unit back at Bragg, 3. some get offended by my excessive use of foul language (so do some men, but you can just ridicule them until they shut up if they say your language offends them), 4. they distract me from work when they are cute, 5. I can’t perform my cock and ball puppetry around them (showing the brain, fruit baskets, tank on a hill, broken wristwatch, etc). I’m not saying that it’s all the females here either, but you just have to be more careful what you say and do around people now. Also, if you get caught with a girl in your room, and I mean just in your room hanging out, it’s a world of shit for you. It’s not all bad, but not all good. I’ve been gone for about a month now, and I’ve noticed just little things that I miss. I miss watching The Simpsons every night, I miss wearing civilian clothes every now and then, calling people on the phone just to bullshit, just basic shit like that. As of this very minute that I’m writing I’ve been sober for 32 days, which is the longest I’ve ever gone with out even a sip of booze since I was like 6 or 7 years old (my old man used to let me take sips out of his beers). To keep my mind occupied when I’m not working I go running, read, or watch movies. I haven’t even been abusing myself as regularly as I did back home either. Whatever. I wish I had more interest
ing tales of gun fights and explosions to write of, but I
don’t. Things will heat up a bit more when we take over our missions in the next few weeks, but who knows after that. I guess this isn’t what I expected. It doesn’t seem like the “war” that I thought I was getting into. Maybe I’ve seen too many movies or heard too many stories from guys that were here in the early 90’s or back in 2003. I also guess I expected the worst, so it could only get better. Well, sad to say I must be on me way. It’s getting late. If anyone is interested in writing or if any ladies want to send nude photos of themselves, my address is:
1LT THOMAS C. McCAUSLAND B 3/4 ADA, STB, 4ID APO AE 09344
Hopefully I’ll have something better for everyone in my next article. Until then, you win some, you lose a lot, life sux……….. get a fucking helmet!

WITH D-BOMB AND 8BIT 8BIT SOUNDS OFF

BY 8BIT

As most of you Dudes already know I have had to get two hip replacements, one in February and one in April, and before I had these surgeries my legs were pretty jacked up and I had to walk with a cane for about 8 months. So in total, I have spent an entire year walking with either a cane or crutches. This isn’t the problem; I actually have a pretty good cane collection, what chaps my ass is that any Neanderthal smart enough to form a question feels compelled to ask how I hurt myself. Complete fucking strangers want me to explain in detail the painful events of my life. These are the same assholes who come to a complete stop in the middle of the highway to rubberneck when there’s an accident. Not a single day has gone by in the last year that some dipshit didn’t ask me about my injury, and every time the question goes like this; “Did you hurt your leg?” What do you think asshole, I need crutches to fucking walk!?! Do you walk up to someone in a wheelchair with their arms strapped down to their chest and ask if they hurt their brain? Fucking unbe

lievable, some register jockey who can barely figure out

how to make change for a dollar thinks I want to tell them all about my surgery. And don’t try telling me that people are trying to be nice or that they are concerned about me. I’m talking about people who have no idea what my name is, people who can’t mind their own damn business, people who can’t shut the fuck up, the kind of prick who asks “ Is it hot enough out there for ya” when it is 100 degrees

outside. The one time I thought some benefit would come

from having a cane was when some redneck offered to buy me a driving can at the 7-E at Heege and Mackenzie after asking why I was walking on crutches. I thought if this idiot wants to pay for my beer why should I stop him, in fact I got him to buy me two tall cans. But when we got outside, he decided that since I was white I must hate black people, and told me a short and unbelievably racist joke, so that gives you an idea of how fucking ignorant the kind of person who asks about my cane is, but that’s Affton for ya. Go Cougars!!

TAKE THAT!

BY D-BOMB

You know what I’m tired of? Big huge fat fucks.

Seriously motherfucker, how did you get so fucking fat?

These gordos are riding the handicapped carts at depart

ment stores and shit ! You fat fuck, you need to walk and

get off your lazy fat turd ass. You smelly fat shit, you

ate your goddamned way to an early grave. Just because

bacon double cheeseburgers are goddamned delicious doesn’t mean eat twelve in a day. I see you fatties every

where huffin’ and puffin, suckin down HUGE sodas. Big

fat moms with big fat kids, fuck you that’s bullshit. Just cause you’re a lazy heap, doesn’t make it right to ruin your kids’ life. In case you were wondering, T.V and Nintendo are not fucking sports. But back to the cart-riding fatties I have this to say to you, “How dare you… Rot. Rot in the hydrogenated fat that you consume by the gallon. Take That Fatties; You’ve Been (Over) Served.

special ball with a logo on it.
And if that isn’t enough special treatment for this egomaniac, ESPN decides to give Bonds his own fucking TV show so that he can pretend like he isn’t a complete asshole and steroids user. There’s probably some morons out there who see Bonds on Bonds and think that maybe he isn’t such a bad guy or that he isn’t doing steroids. Are you fucking kidding me? The guy weighs about a hundo more than he did 6 years ago and you’re gonna tell me he isn’t sticking needles full of ‘roids in his ass? Enjoy it while you can Barry, because it won’t be long before someone proves that you’re taking human growth hormone or some other shit and they’ll take all your records away, and all you’ll be left with is your shriveled-up dick.

TAKE THAT ALSO!

BY G-BOMB

“Mike (I’m a Genius) Martz”

This huge piece of shit took a talent laden team from Super-Bowl winner, to a 13- 3 season and second Super-Bowl appearance and was out-coached by the second biggest P-O-S, Bill (I’m a giant at 5’2) Belichik. The year after we hear from the B.P.O.S., the problems are correctable, the mistakes are mine, the wrong personnel. But nothing changes; three 1st round draft choices in two years at Defensive Tackle and all rolled into one they couldn’t stop, a Brownie selling cookies. A Defensive Coordinator (Marme) who came from Arizona, where he took them from 28th to 32nd in defense in two years. And in one year with the Rams he took us from 16th to 28th. A Special Teams coach (Ligasheski) who had one year as an assistant coach in the NFL , never a head coach in college, and in fact I don’t believe he ever coached at a top 20 college. After Martz is fired, FINALLY! He says he will only accept a head coach job. None are offered. Then “ Well… I’ll be an offensive coordinator”. And when he only gets one offer on that, this arrogant assbag wants more money than the head coach! These are just a few reasons why he’s the most arrogant jack-off and all-around despicable prick in the NFL, even more so than

Belichek. I know that’s a stretch, but it’s true. Thanks, I’m Out.

G-Bomb.

BY ROOT
I am currently in Colorado, sitting cross-valley, staring at a mountain range. I am making my way with fellow Dudes and Dudettes on a float, which is around 200 miles of river on the MFS and MAIN SALMON. After floating the MFS last year, I believe this will be a yearly occurance. This place is the most BITCH place I have ever set foot in. Here is a short itinerary of my last trip and yet another outdoor essential check list if you plan on floating 200 miles and/or being on this river for 20+ days. I’ll send the rest later.
BY BIG TIME JUNIOR, AKA PRIMETIME JUNIOR, AKA BIG TIME OPERATOR... JUNIOR!!
I’m going to start with some kickball, then move
to an Awesome!!! wedding, and then finish with some
kickball. Starting with kickball, how fucking awesome is Awesome!!! Kickball? Awesome’s spring 2006 season started back in February with the much anticipated
first few practice sessions of the year. Awesome!!! was
practicing at their winter training facility, St. George grade school in Affton, MO, in temperatures below thirty degrees Fahrenheit while it was snowing, sleeting, and raining. Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t know of any other team in the Saint Louis Kickball Association that is dedicated enough to start practice in February when the forecast is “freezing rain”. It showed in Week 1 when the weather was the same as what we had practiced in. Albeit we lost both games; we were the only crazy fuckers to be playing our second game when everyone else decided to call it quits. Babies.
Now we’ll fast forward to the exciting part of kickball season, the tournament of champions. After our first few weeks of the season, it became apparent we might be playing on Saturday to get into Sunday’s games (which would indicate a bye in the first day of the tournament). At first, I thought this would be the better option for the team because we needed a “boot camp” of sorts. It later turned out that playing 3-4 games on Saturday really wears your body down when you have to play again all day Sunday. Regardless, we showed up early Saturday afternoon with one thing on our minds: It’s a brand new season. We had some close games on Saturday, but we pulled through in our 3rd game to relax for the rest of the afternoon while watching the SKA All-Star game (little did I know I wouldn’t be watching). At this time, I should probably also mention the small fact that Nighthawk and I were missing our cousin’s wedding so that we could be at the tournament. We took some heat from mom when we showed up to the reception, but it was totally worth it. The coolest part about it is that when I told my cousin’s fiancé we’d be missing the ceremony but be at the reception because we had a kickball game, he said, “Oh, yeah, man! I’d totally skip the ceremony if I could, too!” WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY BOSS!
Back to the kickball we go. In the 3rd game, I kicked a monstrous home run (or so I thought) about 40 feet up in the trees in right field. There probably wouldn’t have even been a play at the plate if I didn’t round first base so poorly (I was practically in right field between first and second base), but there was. They got the ball in quickly, so I had to slide into home to not get out. A second later when I’m lying on the ground just past home plate, my arms are bleeding and my junk’s hangin’ out of my shorts. T-Rod hit me up w/ “Nice junk Big Time.”

Wooooooooooord. Later on I was thinking to myself, “Wow. I got injured on that home run and we didn’t even need the run… Oh, wait. I play for Awesome!!! Kickball. Yeah, the slide was totally necessary.”

Earlier in the day the team was asking about who we selected to play in the All-Star game, and we found out that no one’s names were sent in. After the 3rd game of the day, Ron Mexico made the All-Star selection announcement: Big Time, Jr. and Lazer. I was so excited! I had been hoping for weeks that I might get lucky enough to get selected to the game, and it finally happened! I was now a part of an elite group with such Dudes as Dad and B-Rad. I don’t think I was responsible for any home runs in the game, but I played a mean defensive game as catcher. It was an incredible experience. What’s even better is that since we didn’t send names in, Lazer and I didn’t get All-Star shirts, so we got to wear our Awesome!!! Green. I later heard from someone on the team that during the game, someone on the sidelines made a comment to the extent of “Why aren’t they wearing their All-Star shirts?” and someone replied, “They’re like that”. HAHA! You’re damn right we are! Bitches!

The next day, our first game was against Tanner Bini’s. Tanner Bini’s is a good team, and on top of that fact, we had just learned that our friends, the Ghost Runners, had just lost their first game to Liquid Courage. We were sad they had lost, but happy they all came over to cheer us on. The game started out okay in the top of the first when we went up by a run or two, but in the bottom of the first, we would quickly learn that the game would be a battle. The first kick was kicked to me, and I would have caught it for the first out, but as I made my first step to the ball, my shoe came off. As a result, I couldn’t even play the ball right on the bounce, and the guy scored, tying the game. Tanner Bini’s put on about 6 or 7 runs in the middle of the game, and by the 7th inning we were down 7 runs. I thought to myself, “This is the inning we have to do it in. If we don’t do it now, it’s over”. (8 innings are played in the playoffs.) We scored a run or two to start the inning; A-Rod got on base at first, and I was up at the plate. I was ready to do some damage. I booted a ball yard, and we were now within 2 or 3 runs. We scored a few more in the 8th to tie the game up, and once again I was up at the plate, but I couldn’t repeat. (I had two or three chances at the end of the game to put the hurt on and take the lead, but Big Time became the Big Let Down at the end of the game.) The game went into the 11th inning, when Tanner Bini’s

finally scored and won the game. I was so angry with

myself for not performing to the level I could have, but it was now time to get completely hammered and heckle the teams we hated, so I put it behind me.

Two weeks later we had the Keg-a-Leg-a-Ding-Dong tournament scheduled, but this would be played a couple days after Hot Puss and J-Dub’s wedding (congratulations Hot Puss; another soldier down). Let me tell ya, the wedding reception was pretty sweet. Dad, the Ran-Man, and I were a little late, along with a few other Dudes, and we found ourselves struggling to find a seat. However, I spotted the #4 table in the room (right behind the wedding party, in terms of when you get called to eat) as it was wide open. The three of us moved in on the table while simultaneously giving a silent “SERVED!” to the entire room. We were definitely VEE-EYE-PEE. I even had a slow dance with the bride’s mom and a picture taken with Steven Colbert (a look-a-like anyways)!

Sunday came, and it was time for the kegs to be posted at first and third, with the Jell-o shots at home plate. The Ghost Runners and Awesome invited 4 other teams this year, so we did it pool-style. Pool A was the two original teams, along with Tower Pub, while Pool B consisted of the Grr-Ass Kickers, Kick ‘Em Where It Counts, and Liquid Courage. We had a really close game with the Ghost Runners but won, and then we dominated Tower Pub. (Somewhere in those two games, our team

finished 2 and a half kegs, pounded some Jell-o shots, and I got square on a ball that I booted to the other field for an
easy home run.) After winning our pool, we were to play the Grr-Ass Kickers in the championship game because they had won their pool.
This is where the douchebag-ness comes in. Before it was even time for the final game, some serious douche nozzle from the Grr-Ass Kickers (I think he was actually a ringer…) came over to our field expecting us to move to their field because there was more shade. What a fucking pansy. We almost moved over there with Ron Mexico and Hips of Steel giving in, but thanks to Moose backing me, he made the executive decision that the game would remain scheduled on the field we were
already at. Then, when they finally started moving over, they had three people carrying their sad excuse for a keg. It was a pony keg host
ing Boulevard beer, and it hadn’t been finished
yet. I thought, “Are you fucking kidding me? We’ve already housed two and a half real kegs. What the fuck?” We quickly became aware of the fact that no one on their team was drunk, let alone even drinking at the time. Regardless, we moved on.
The Douche Nozzles had about two or three man bunters, a.k.a. munters, and they were playing like complete assholes. After they scored quite a few runs in the first few innings, I thought there was going to be a fight because I and most of my team was getting extremely annoyed with the situation. We trudged on, however, and slowly got ourselves back into the game, but all for nothing. We were down one run in the bottom of the
8th inning. Brad got on base at first. Next up, there was a ball kicked to right field by the Tin Dude, and
Brad moved on to second base, or so we thought. The umpire called him out! What a joke that was. (One of the 2, that’s right-2, umps at 2nd was on Kick ‘Em Where It Counts.) Now there are two outs, we have
runners on first and second, and I’m selected to kick
(the third inning in a row that I had kicked out of order in). I know what the team’s expecting, and I’m fairly
confident I’ll deliver because for one, I’m Prime Time, but
I also hadn’t gotten out all day. Those odds quickly turned against me. I lost my footing, kicked a squib a few feet
past home plate, and took off to first. After I got to first
base, I realized that the Tin Dude wasn’t running and had gotten thrown out at third.
Mr. Rin Tin Tin wasn’t running because he believed the ball to be foul, and I was also over the line, so the ball would get re-played. It turns out I actually was over the line, but Moose didn’t want to call it because he was already drunk and just wanted the game to be over. I was a little hurt about that. If he had called me over the line, I would’ve had another chance, and I was positive I would’ve at least tied the game. Again, I felt like the Big Let Down. I’m extremely sorry for my poor performance in clutch situations this post season, Awesome!!!. I hope you accept my apologies. However, I had an awesome fucking season with you all, and I can’t wait for the next time we play again (hopefully this fall!). Oh, this just in, Awesome!!! won the Maplewood Community Fair kickball tournament on June 10, 2006! CONGRATULATIONS! Helping usher in a new era of Awesome!!! kickball was Nighthawk, going 7 for 11 with a home run, 2 triples, and a double. Lookout SKA!
Birds and A-B stuff filled the walls, along with a can coolie rack (complete w/ said coolies). In addition to these gems, the décor expressed the background of most of the
patrons - firefighting. A Bitch fireman’s axe hung above
the tables opposite the bar. As for the entertainment, one could imagine it to be a little light. There were NO gaming options. A dart board would’ve put the thrower out on Hereford, and a shuf table would have to double as the bar. There was a pretty soulful juke that was well priced, though. Furthermore there were two big TVs on the wall, even though one would suffice. Definitely good potential for watching the Birds, Lambs, or B-Lose. Even the bartender was entertaining, reminiscing about her childhood at Sportsman’s Park/Busch Stadium I. But probably the most important fact about this dank, dank hole is the beer price. They offer full glasses of Heavy or Pussy for $1! No bullshit small glasses or thick glass mugs that cheat you out of that sweet elixir. Even the bottles were cheap at $1.75. Of course our visit led to a pretty hammed Wednesday evening and a rough Thursday morning at the mines. (Editor’s Note: Nighthawk didn’t make it to the mines the next day. 7 or 8 yukes that night and dry heaving led to the Hawkman getting diagnosed with Strep
Throat.) Overall the ‘Leaf is a pretty good find. Light on
the games, but heavy on the dank, drink, and Dude.
Rating: 3 Pitchers
Keith’s
5007 Macklind
Since we’re on the subject of walking to bars, I have to mention Keith’s. Another dive located within walking distance of DMWH, Keith’s should not be confused with Keef’s, which is also known as O’Malley’s Irish Pub. While not based on one specific Dudes Dives related trip, the review offers up my observations from two separate visits, though both did happen to fall on Sleeveless Saturdays.
Keith’s has a lot to offer when you first walk in. The uninitiated Dude may be a bit overwhelmed. This dive has a two-sided bar serving a pretty large space full of gaming, and, somewhat unfortunately, full of karaoke.
My advice for the Dudes is scope out a spot closest to the whirleybird, order a beer, and show off your guns (the ones now exposed by your lack of sleeves). Did I say beer? Yes I did actually… right above this line…anyway. The booze prices were pretty reasonable: $2.25 bottles and $2.50 mixed drinks, though I ordered one 7&7 @$2.50 and later was charged $3. As for entertainment, Keith’s is pool and dart heavy. Two pool tables and two dart boards keep the wily Dude occupied. Virtual bowling posts up right next to the ATM. And there’s a change machine. Bitch for the patron and the barkeeps. There were also a lot of big high-tech looking touch screen games around, but I left those alone for the most part. Though, I do recall them offering Twisted Eric a brief rise as we navigated our way through erotic photo hunt. As for the space itself, there was plenty, probably thrice the size of the ‘Leaf, but the dank factor was way to low. Some drunkies could break a few light bulbs for me next time, that’ll dank that dive right up. Also the locals can border on the douchey side. There was by no means a serious douche problem, especially w/plenty of real Dudes present. The only real problem for me is the karaoke. I don’t need to listen to some fat drunk slurd sing “I Will Survive” at the top of her lungs. But I suppose a visit on a different night could solve that problem. Overall, Keith’s offers enough for a Dude seeking out a new dive for the night. And if you get too smashed, go pass out in Jimmy O’Cs backyard; he don’t live there no more, he won’t mind.
Rating: 3 _ Pitchers
Dudes Dives Fact
Dudes, keep your eyes open for some bitch jerky goin’ around the South Side dive scene. This delicious, dehydrated, dead meat sells for a $1.50 and even comes in little baggies so it feels like you’re buying junk. Bitch! Both the Silverleaf and Keith’s offer this delicacy, so skip the Slim Jim. Get your vittle on Dudes!!!
Dudes Dives Exclusive
The Morganford: Sooo….where does the beer come from?
BY SPIDER
To understand why tens upon tens of Dudes lined up, mouths puckered, drinking sweet, sweet Guinness straight from the tap from behind the Morganford’s now defunct bar that chilly March evening, one must understand the rich history of this legendary establishment. With the passing of yet another classic Dudes Dive, I will take this opportunity to eulogize our fallen booze hole.
I suppose the story of this libation dispenser begins with the settlement of Saint Louis itself. For not unlike our great city, it had a gradual rise to success, a brief plateau, and eventually a fall. The area once occupied by the Morganford carries with it a rich history of Saint Louis city development. Part of the Oak Hill neighborhood, the road known as Morganford was the western boundary of the Carondelet common fields; basically this was a big piece of rural farmland. I guess the Dudes back then sat around doing whatever the 19th century version of meth was. But anyway, the Dude who owned the land where the road was built was named Morgan. What a shocker! But I’m sure you’re asking, why the “ford” in Morgan-ford? This road led to a ford in the old River Des Peres, hence Morganford. But it wasn’t all cow-tipping and river “fording?!?” Dudes had to work at the mines just like us
-the coal mines that is. Boy they must have been thirsty after contracting black lung, (not to be confused with ‘stos lung, or Root’s disease, a.k.a. Mesothelioma). Lucky for them the Morganford Bar/Smokehouse/Lounge opened 185 years later. Now that we’re up to speed, (and I’ve snuck in a brief history essay for my own amusement) I’ll continue with the modern Morganford.
First off, let me explain exactly what incarnation of the Morganford we speak of. I’m not talking about Digger O’Doggers, or Shooter McGooter’s, or whatever the hell this bar used to be called. I’m also not talking about the pre-Ran-Man year of management. I’m talking about the fucking Raddest-Dude-Alive-Ish-7-runnin’, big buck huntin’, dollar Stag sellin’, Randall Pink Floyd version of the Morganford. This place was Bitch for a variety of reasons. You can read the inside back cover of the last Mag to get the lowdown on its specialties, but I’ll repeat them right here anyway. The Big Buck, Simpsons pinball, foosball, darts, sweet juke, $1.50 Stags ($1 if you get a bucket o’six), ridiculously boozy mixed drinks courtesy of Dini, free shots following B-Lose wins and losses (mostly losses), and an address choicely located within close distance of many Dudes’ lairs. But it wasn’t just the cheap booze that brought us, it was what the cheap booze caused us to do on several occasions. Hosting the
Secret Santa party for twenty-ought-five was a good start
for the bar. But this was relatively tame in comparison to such activities as the Dudes Mag release after-party. Not many bars are gonna see Dudes dropping cotton while totally wrecked. This one did. But what the hell, why not go pantsless as well! Dudes foosing in their boxers, pretty Bitch! Of course a night so drunk and debaucherous wouldn’t be complete without an appearance by the Babyhawk. When Ron Mexico dropped trough and the ole pillowcase a’oranges came out, I knew the night was complete.
From this point on, the days and weeks passed with no suspicion of the impending doom. Dudes got hammered pretty much any night of the week they wanted to there. We even watched the Soupy Bowl the day after the aforementioned Bitchfest, not bitchfest as in hens. Then one day, it happened. I walked in on a Tuesday night expecting Randall to be behind the bar and to order a bucket; pretty customary. I was shocked at the scene when I walked in. The place was pretty full (almost a shock in itself, seeing as mid-week visits found the bar to be our own personal beer-fueled playground), but more disconcerting was the disarray. Pictures off the wall, booze missing behind the bar, and general dishevelment. Apparently, I missed the memo that the bar was closing. Apparently dollar Stags don’t go far when running a bar. Everyone was showing up to get one last cheap night of drinking in, the cheapest actually, because all the beer
-even the good shit - was free. I was sad, then a little buzzed, then drunk, then kinda drowsy, then hammered,
and finally content. As I stood behind the bar, free coldie
in hand, drunkenly waxing poetic on the good times had at the Morganford, I vowed to Randy that I’d write up a piece on his humble watering hole. Not just a little bullshitter one paragraph throwaway, but a sprawling epic
on the bar, its history, its allure, and its final melancholy
demise.
So here it is. It’s certainly sprawling, rambling, incoherent, rather disjointed, and probably not that interesting to anyone who never really hung out there. Oh well, we can all go check out the next version when it triumphantly reopens. Randall informed me that a couple of rich (though not entirely bar-business oriented), douches bought the place and have some wild ideas. Beside plans for plasma screen TVs, they got right down to business. Their first question for the outgoing barkeep, “uh, where does the beer come from?” Good luck guys.
Check out the boss shower pic I found of her on the Internet. That place is crazy!
Lois Griffin
Don’t ya just love Lois? She likes her drink, cusses, and is in love with an idiot. She digs on big Dudes too, so all you big Dudes: take note. Despite being brought up in a rich, snotty family, she’s still down to earth and seemingly level-headed as far as cartoon moms go. And she’s got that wild side, ya know? ready to party in the sack. If I lived in Quahog, I’d totally become friends with Chris or Meg just so I could move in on Lois while Peter’s out with Quaggy and Cleveland, getting hosed at the Drunken Clam. Better keep an eye on your old lady Pete! The Wolf is on the prowl!
Ellen Griswold
Oh, what a babe! Mrs. Griswold is, no doubt, a Dudes Mom-Bomb. The shower scene in the original National Lampoon’s Vacation is so bitch. She maintains her beauty in all three (relevant) Vacations too. That’s about 12 years of total babeness (1985-1997). After a little Dudes Re
search, it turns out that Vacation isn’t the only flick where
Bev D’Angelo shows off her cans. For those Dudes interested, check out the movies Hair and First Love for a further glimpse of this Mom-Bomb in the buff.

Dudes Baseball (Birdnals’) Trivia
BY LONEWOLF
-Who was the last member of the Cardinals to go 6-for-6 in a single game? Terry Moore (1935)
- In game 7 of the 1934 World Series, Cardinals starting pitcher Dizzy Dean collected two hits during a seven-run third inning, becoming the only pitcher in World Series history to turn the trick.
-Who was the first Cardinals pitcher to hit dingers from
both sides of the plate in one game? Red Schoendienst (1951)

-What Cardinals duo holds the record for most stolen bases by two teammates in a single season? Vince Coleman (110), Willie McGee (95) – (1985)

-Who was the winning pitcher for the Cardinals in game 7 of the ’82 World Series? Joaquin Andujar

-Who stands second to Stan Musial on the Cardinals all- time career home run list? Ken Boyer (225) -Who holds the record for the most leadoff homers as a member of the Cards? Lou Brock (21) -Long time Cardinals 2nd basemen Tommy Herr made his MLB debut in the same game that Lou Brock collected career hit # 3,000 on 8/13/79. -When Busch Memorial Stadium opened on May 12 1966,

what member of the Braves hit the first home run in the

ballpark? Felipe Alou -Only one 2nd basemen for the Cards has ever won a Gold Glove Award at the position. He won the prestigious

fielding award twice. Who is he? Fernando Vina (2001, 2002)

-What Cardinals lefty was the last Major Leaguer to record ten or more shutouts in a single season. (John Tudor)

Dudes Innovations: Colder BeerCans

BY MR. RIN TIN TIN

No Dude likes to pound warm Coldies and soon this will be less of a concern thanks to the good people at Labatt/DuPont and Tempra Technologies who both have designed new cans to combat the three main causes of warm beer: summer heat, condensation, and a sweaty palm. The Labatt can, a 473 ml brew known as the Cold One, figures to be the first to hit the shelves. Dupont designed the label for the Cold One which consists of polymer insulation between two layers of Melinex film, whatever the hell that means. Basically, the Cold One has added layers of insulation which hold the cold in while keeping external heat out. However, the Cold One must be chilled in order to be effective, simply grabbing a Cold One from an unchilled box will be no different than a regular can. Innovation is nothing new to the Labatt people who first developed the twist off cap and ice brewing. Though this can seems like a good idea, it will be interesting to see how large of a price difference there will be. However, price will probably go down with time, especially if the Cold One is a hit and/or other breweries begin to use the same or similar technologies. I feel it is worth noting that there is a simple and easy way to avoid a beer becoming warm that people seem to forget about. Don’t drink like a pussy.

The second can which is being developed by Tempra includes a similar new insulating layer like the Labatt can but also includes a self cooling element. Basically its like this new can, known as the I.C. or Insta Cool Can, has its own built in mini refrigerator (see picture) which is completely safe. By twisting the base of the can a vacuum heat pump is activated which draws out the heat from the can and does so with such efficiency that the beverage can drop 30 degrees in 3 minutes. The can is somewhat odd looking and the “mini fridge” does take up some prime brew space, a 16 oz can holds about 10.5 oz of brew. This can does have some promise for certain Sitchies, imagine not having to bring a cooler on a camp trip or ever hav

ing to worry about running out of ice or finding room in

the fridge. Like with the Cold One, expect the I.C. cans

to be more expensive, especially at first. Miller (bunk) is going to be the first major brewery to utilize the I.C. can,

look for Miller I.C. products on the shelves in mid 2007. This technology certainly has promise but price may keep many Dudes from ever buying these new cans.

SHITBAG ACTOR O THE

MONTH TOM CRUISE

Born July 3, 1962 Syracuse, New York

Bunk Flicks:

-All of the Mission Impossibles -Risky Business (You’re not Sean Connery! ALF reenacted it! SWEET! -Rain Man (Dustin Hoffman made this thing!) -Top Gun (Douchebag Magnet!) -Cocktail (80’s Coyote Ugly) -Days of Thunder (FUCK car racing!) -Jerry Maquire (Show me the BULLSHIT!) -Eyes Wide Shut (Kubrick, RIP-Cruise FU!) -Magnolia (Must have traded his nuts for this script)

Dudely Flicks:

-Color of Money (Billiards are BITCH! FU Dad!) -The Outsiders (Greasers rule!) -Young Guns (Westerns rule!)

Let’s just try and forget about this asshole’s early career, because it would take longer to forget his more recent appearances (because there are way more of them), and focus on the ongoing mystery, which is “how in the hell did such an up-and-coming young star go south so quickly”? Tom Cruise, what went wrong?

Boneyard Boob Tube

BY NIGHTHAWK

“Stand in the place where you live, and think about directions, wonder why you haven’t before.” R.E.M.’s best lyrics ever! Not really, it’s just that these particular lyrics do not suck because they were the opening lines of the Get A Life theme song. Chris Elliott starred in this wacky T.V. show about a paper boy (Elliot) and his parents. The catch? Elliot’s character was 30 years-old. WILD STUFF! Talk about a complete loser. Elliot’s character was a mondo-lamewad. Remember the opening credits, when he was riding his bike and rode right into a rigg? PRICELESS! GET A LIFE CHRIS ELLIOT!

Lasting only 2 seasons, Get A Life drew Dudes everywhere in the early 90s to the boob tube every week for 3 years wondering what dumb shit Elliot’s character would get into next. It was also co-directed by Leave It To Beaver’s Tony Dow (WALLY CLEAVER). If you ever once thought that your life sucked, just think back to any of the “many” episodes that this great program provided us, and you’ll realize that you’re not having such a bad day.

And, while we’re on the subject of Chris Elliot, let’s not forget about Cabin Boy. Talk about an excellent flick! Dave Letterman is also in it. OUTSTANDING!

BY PAGER DAVE

DUDES TUNE REVIEWS

BY LONEWOLF

Akiakane – Kasumisou: All-girlJapanese-politico-punkers that totally shred! You can hear everything from Fifteen, the Ramones, and Bikini Kill on this one. Some of you Dudes out there may remember singer/guitarist, Moe, of the now disbanded Softball. Well, she’s back and ready to rip you a new one with this little ditty. Asian Man Records

Scouts Honor – I Am the Dust:
Amped up whiskey-grunge-punk by some Dudes from Peoria, IL. These Dudes totally bring it with a loud and heavy confessional of life on the road, and on the run. If you dig on Against Me! and Drive By Truckers, there’s a good chance this one will bite ya. Give it a shot…you probably haven’t bought a cd in like 4-5 months! No Idea Records I should be the Dude to review this genre. (See Moneen). I can’t really distinguish what is complete bullshit, and what’s legit. Vagrant Records
Islands – Return to Sea: Those of you familiar with Montreal’s the Unicorns, will recognize Islands. Headed by a couple of former Unicorns, Islands bring a freak-pop gem that channels the vibes of the Flaming Lips as much as it does Paul
Simon and the Beach Boys. Very dece stuff. Equator
Records
Whiskey & Co. – Leaving theNightlife : Here, No Idea brings you Gainesville’s Whiskey & Co.: a 6-piece barroom country-rock outfit. The woman singing showcases a totally boss voice and leads you through a drunken montage that anyone who spends too much time in dingy taverns can relate to. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! No Idea Records
No Torso – Several Brains: No Torso hale from Oslo, Norway and party in the key of SKA. Nothing considerably tricky here: soulful skacore in the likes of RX Bandits and Skinnerbox. While their tunes don’t necessarily suck, they don’t completely rock. Whatev’s.
No Idea Records The Holy Mountain – Enemies: Whoa! These are some
volatile jams. As fierce as the Dead
Kennedys, with Motörhead in their blood. Sometimes I can’t even tell what the fuck’s going on and then I get smacked up side the head with a ferocious melody.
If you think you can hang, I challenge you. You will be
eaten alive. No Idea Records
DUDES
SPOTLIGHT ON:

THE NEW BEAT RECORDS

WITH OWNER/DESIGNER/MUSICIAN/PRODUCER,

ROBERT KOONS

everything.
The simple answer is that i’m a control freak. this label has always been my baby, and i simply enjoy all the different aspects of the business. Even when i’m up all night putting together this ridiculous packaging that’s cut, folded, glued, & shrink-wrapped by hand... that just makes it so much sweeter when it’s done.
The recording end of it is mainly a financial necessity... I’d love to be
able to send all the bands to J. Robbins or D. Sardy to record, but it’s not in my budget. so, we do the best we can in my home studio. on a positive note this allows us to take our time, work out new ideas, and have a lot of fun with it.
5. the label host some pretty diverse bands. everything from straight
up metal-core, to good clean indie rock, to some poppier punky
stuff. what do you look for in a band you sign?
Well, i’ve never ‘signed’ a band. everything’s a verbal agreement and a handshake, or ‘good game’. I generally put out records by my friends, or bands that I’ve meet and really like. the main thing I try to look for is a band that’s committed to playing out... and my “out” I mean outside of their community. there’s no better way to get the word out about your band than touring as much as you can.
6. how many releases are you up to now, and what is the one you are

most proud of?

Release #13 (My Lost Cause) just came out this summer, #14 (Game

night) is at the pressing plant, and #15 (Cold Hands) has just finished

drum tracking. I’m proud of each one for different reasons... being a one man show & working three jobs to support this label, each release takes several months to materialize. so, I really get into each album, from the pre-production process all the way to shipping out the review copies to magazines & distros. 2006 will (hopefully) mark my

first year of releasing 4 CDs, as opposed to my pervious 3 per year

average. I’m pretty stoked about that.

7. you seem to pay extra-close attention as to how you package your

releases, almost always giving each one a distinct look. why is this

so important to you?

Because that’s what I like about buying CDs. I look at the packaging & layout before I even listen it. sometimes, the packaging is why I buy a CD... or at least it makes me notice it out of an endless rack of music at the local record store. The art that accompanies a record, is what makes it tangible.

8. how do you react when some foul-mouthed/dirty/midwest rockers show up at your house with a never ending supply of natural light

ice, knowing they are going to be there for two full weeks?

I love it. and, actually it’s been too long since the last one.

9. the new beat showcase. is it going to happen?

I guess when enough bands are actually together (and not on “hiatus”) to make it worthwhile... damn those “side projects”.

10. do you enjoy the nickname “rocky top”?

I cherish it... thank you. :)

HERE ARE SOME OF THE NEW BEAT RELEASES THAT I THINK ARE THE MOSTBITCH, SO YOU DUDES SHOULD TOTALLY GO CHECK OUT www.thenewbeat.net AND SCOOP THEM UP!

THE BLOODIEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE

“AN AGONY IN EIGHT FITS”

Some very original, heavy and chaotic shit here. Think early, early screamo, like the real stuff. The Gravity Records stuff. No make up here. A full on, spastic, hardcore ride.

THE PICTUREBOOK DUDES AND ROB AT THE NEW BEAT “OFFICES”
PAST MISTAKES

“THE PURGATORY LP”

Again, some of Knoxville’s favorite sons (currently on an “extended hiatus”) and again, another band whose sound has matured from it’s earlier post-harcore/emo days. A very experimental record with some beatiful sound-scapes. The musicianship here really makes a jump over previous efforts. Add in a singer with one of the most distinct voices you’ve ever heard and the killer packaging, and this is a must have.

ROCK N’ ROLL MATCH GAME

BY BEEBOP THE DESTROYER

The time has come for you to test your ROCK knowledge and try matching these dope muthafucking albums to the left with the appropriate year in which they were released. So break out your scratcher or No. 2 pencil and draw a

line to match the album with the year
1. The Clash “Sandinista”	1970
2. Snoop Doggy Dogg “Doggystyle”	1984
3. Johnny Cash “At San Quentin”	1973
4. Miles Davis “Bitches Brew”	1992
5. Prince and the Revolution “Purple Rain”	1978
6. Iggy and the Stooges “Raw Power”	1989
7. N.W.A. “Straight Outta Compton”	1993
8. Michael Jackson “Thriller”	1969
9. The Rodney King/L.A. Riots (not an album…oh well)	1980
10. Cheap Trick “Live at Budokan”	1975
11. Black Flag “Damaged”	1982
12. Bruce Springsteen “Born to Run”	1981

Answers: 1. 1980, 2. 1993, 3. 1969, 4. 1970, 5.1984, 6. 1973, 7. 1989, 8. 1982, 9. 1992, 10. 1978, 11. 1981, 12. 1975

BAD JAMS ARTIST PROFILE

BY BOMBSKI

“Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers”

Since like the seventies this tot’ boss band has been rippen ‘em. Based out of Florida, T.P. and the H.B. wow fans worldwide, (me personally twice broseph). In 2002, they were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. You know the fuckin’ tunes bro-hemoth, so go dig ‘em live. Swerve.

“A REAL ARTICLE ON T.P. & THE H.B.”

BY BEEBOP THE DESTROYER

Hold up…Hold up…Hold the fuck up…I’m

sorry…but that Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers Profile was beyond weak. This is the Bebop Bad Jams Profile on

T.P. and the H.B. So Nighthawk gave me a sneak peak at the Dudes Magazine Issue # 8 before it was done and

we stumbled upon the above “Profile” on Tom Petty and

the Heartbreakers and we were both convinced that the D-Bomb did T.P. NO JUSTICE! To even try to sum up

the force that is The Petty in four sentences is a spit in the

face. Tom Petty is the fucking shit!!! As a young Dude,

I grew up on cassette tapes. But once the CD player was

brought into the game, we had to adjust. The first com

pact disc I ever owned in my entire life was Tom Petty’s

“Greatest Hits”.

Tom Petty was, and is a Dude amongst Dudes.

Besides getting doobed 24/7, this Dude found the time to

write some of the baddest jams known to Dude Kind. My favorite album would have to be “Wild Flowers”. This album has got it goin’ on. Such JAMS as “You Wreak Me”, “Honey Bee”, and plenty more to keep your summer sunny. It is the perfect album to get your BBQ down to. Tom Petty was also a part of the super group, The Traveing Wilburys which consisted of such legendary musicians as Bob Dylan, Roy Orbison, and George Harrison. Most super groups do not end up working out, but this combo worked. Tom also has done a few seasons with the FOX networks King Of The Hill , playing the voice of some fucking hillbilly. Now let’s take a time machine back to

one of the finest 80’s films entitled Fast Times at Ridgemont High. The film blasts off with

“American Girl” while trouble seeking teens toilet paper their high school.

I too have seen the Petty live twice. D-BOMBER and if any Dude has seen the Petty, he would give him more respect than four fucking sentences of BAD JAMZ PRO

FILE! The first time

I ever saw Petty I was in the last fucking row possible but still left the show feeling full of Tom Petty’s ROCK SAUCE! The second time I saw him was totally beyond Bitch. Biff-Mann (Rocksteady) and I were posted up in dead center. Tom sounded as bitch as he did twenty years ago. He also played a song off his new album. The song was called “Turn This Car Around”. In a mix of mass amounts of booze and the smell of Mary Jane in the air, I found myself in a swimming pool of bliss. Needless to say, Biff and I ended up selling beer after the show in the parking lot to strangers out of our cooler.

But something has gone wrong. This summer, according to Mr. T.P., is his last full-scale U.S. tour. He apparently is going to do more under the radar shows at exclusive clubs. But what really miffs me off is that he is touring with The King Of Modern Day Hippies (oxymoron), Trey Anastasio (PhishBoo). This, in return, jacked up T.P.’s tix prices. But Petty can do what ever the fuck he wants.

Sorry D-Bomb, but THE PETTY DESERVES MORE THAN FOUR SENTENCES. SERVED!

DUDELY DUDE

PROFILE

BY SPIDER

(BECAUSE DAD’S “TOO BUSY.”)

There are few injusticesperpetrated by this fine publication, (except maybe that

Skitty article we inflicted on

our readers a few Issues back)but one glaring omission hasbecome all too obvious to this reporter. We at Dudes Mag are long overdue in presenting

the “Dudely Dude Profile” of

Mr. Craig “Craiggers Kilby” Kilborn. This is one true Dude, and with an astonishingly interesting resume, he deserves a closer look.

While Tender Vittles was raised in Minnesota, this Dude was actually born in KC, Missouri! Show-Me Kilborn relocated to the land of 1000 lakes as a kid and remained until big sky country came calling. This untappedhardcourt talent glorified the role of the slow white forward at Montana State. But Kilby didn’t just play sports, he talked about them too. Sounds pretty Dudely to me.T-Vitts tried his hand at b-ball announcing, local sports an

choring, and finally the big time - ESPN. Back when the

anchors were funny on ESPN, Kilby kicked it with DanPatrick and Keith Olberman. Not surprisingly, his dry wit landed him a promotion of sorts. No longer would hehave to slum it with annoying up-and-comers like Stuart

DUDES FOUND IN CONTEMPTOF DUDES STUFF

BY REV. NORB

“ANHEUSER-BUSCH BREWING COMPANY”

As you likely neither know nor than anything, but, of a tart directory sorts), (kinda more ment newspaper (of weekly entertaina layout Dude at a the salt mines is as care, my day gig in hey, it pays the bills and keeps the Dudes W awash in dead Dudes, so, ya know, whatever). And, every other week at said newspaper, for the last ten years or so running, Anheuser-Busch has taken out a full page ad. Anheuser-Busch creates their own ads, which is Dudely, because then, instead of this Dude having to actually DO something (i.e. create an ad for them); all I gotta do is just plunk their pre-made full page into our paper and be done with it. Their ads have always run with the exact same print specs: 15” high by 10.25” wide, black & white, 85 lpi, no bleed. Every two months or so, some nimbus at Anheuser-Busch forgets what the ad specs are, and will call up the salt mines and ask me what size to make the ad, even though the last ten years of ads they’ve made for

us have been completely identical. OK, fine, whatever.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, I get into the mines and check messages, and, as usual, there’s a message to call the Lou

and talk to some nim-roid at Anheuser-Busch. I figure the

conversation will go something like this: They will say

something idiotic like “I’m just calling to confirm the ad

specs for a full page – four inches wide by two-hundredeighty-seven feet tall, full color, full bleed, 5,280 lpi?”, and then I will say “no, it’s 15 inches tall by ten-and-aquarter wide, black & white, no bleed, 85 lpi” and be done with it. I’ve had this conversation like twenty times with them. Sooo…I call up the Lou, and talk to my nim-roid. To my great surprise, she DOESN’T want to know the ad specs. Instead, the whirleybird from Anheuser-Busch asks to confirm that they’re running a full page for opening week of baseball season (yup), and tells me that she has it in her notes that “Chicago Cubs baseball is acceptable”. I’m barely even paying attention at this point. I’m like “Sure, it’s 15 inches tall by ten-and-a—WAIT, WHAT DID YOU SAY???” “I have it in my notes that Chicago Cubs baseball is acceptable”. I’m like, whoa, waitaminnit sister, back this one up a smidge: What do you MEAN, “Chicago Cubs baseball is acceptable?” “The team in the ad. Budweiser and the Cubs, a winning team” (or whatever the hell their slogan was for opening day this year).

Okay, now I’ve worked at this paper for over fifteen

years. I’ve seen some shit that would make Satan blush. It takes a LOT to shock and disgust me, but this pretty much did it: Anheuser-Busch wants to take out an ad with the fuckin’ CUBS in it in my newspaper!!! Now, okay. I live in Wisconsin (hey, nobody’s perfect). I realize that the world is not exactly bursting at the seams with Brewers fans, but, come on, they’re all we’ve got (at least since Atlanta stole the Braves from us). If Anheuser-Busch is gonna run a baseball ad in our paper, it’s gotta be a friggin’ Brewers ad, right? So, anyway, I tell the lady at A-B that NO, “Chicago Cubs baseball” is NOT acceptable, and that we want a Milwaukee Brewers version of the ad for the paper. She goes “I’m sorry, Milwaukee baseball is not available”. I’m paralyzed with shock and horror. What do you MEAN “Milwaukee baseball is not available???”

She just keeps repeating herself like a recording: “I’m sorry, Milwaukee baseball is not available”. I bitch. I moan. I stamp my feet and throw a temper tantrum. She will not give me a Brewers ad. In fact, she won’t even SAY “Brewers”, she will only say “Milwaukee baseball”, as if it violates her contract to utter the team’s name. Finally, she goes “is that all right?”, to which I can only say “hey, it’s YOUR money” before I hang up. Now, I understand the root of the problem: The Brewers are sponsored by Miller, Anheuser-Busch’s primary competitors. Therefore, the Brewers are pretty much verboten from any Anheuser-Busch-based ad. I understand that. It’s just business, Dude. However, what is COMPLETELY and UTTERLY unforgivable on the part of Anheuser-Busch is using the frickin’ CUBS as the substitute team o’ choice!!! I mean, it just ain’t right!!! First off, Cubs fan douchebags drink OLD STYLE, not Bud (I actually prefer Old Style to Bud myself…well, there goes my Dudes Cred!). Second off, what the fuck is Anheuser-Busch doing supporting the Birdnals’ARCH-ENEMIES??? They shoulda just put the Cardinals in the ad, and said “fuck you, Brewers fans, we’re paying for the ad so we’re putting our team in it in lieu of your Miller-based squad!” That, to me, would

have been perfectly acceptable! But NO! Of all teams to use instead of the Brewers, they use their own most hated rivals!!! That’s like Boris the Sprinkler running an ad supporting the Chicago Bears, or the Empire State Build

ing flying a Red Sox flag off the top of it!!! Geez!!! And,

of course, third off, if they were just looking for a nearby team to plunk into the ad because Anheuser-Busch hates Miller and won’t use the Brewers, why the fuck not just use the friggin’ WHITE SOX??? After all, they just won the World Series – if they woulda used the White Sox and not the Cubs, everyone woulda just assumed that the ad was meant to salute the world champions, and not even considered that the ad was supposed to be tailored to the local team. I mean, CHEE!!!

In short, I accuse Anheuser-Busch of the aforementioned crimes against Dudedom, and must ponder 101 MORE WAYSaloud what horrific instance of contempt of Dudes Stuff _{In Issue 1, we showed you reader Dudes how}TO MEET GIRLS will come next – Budweiser Genuine Draft??? to meet girls. We decided that, after researching our

archives, we had even more to show you Dudes about

1981 Yamaha Virago XV750H

87.8 inches long, 31.7 inches wide, 45.7 inches high, 60 inch wheelbase. It weighs 467 pounds when the gas tank is empty. It has a four stroke gasoline, air-cooled engine. 748 cc displacement. Holds 3.1 gallons of gas in the main tank and 2.6 liters of gas in the reserve tank and gets 43 mpg.

M.I.L.F.

O’ THE MONTH GLUTTON ^DUTTON

O’ THE MONTH ^{O’ THE MONTH}

MUTTON

O’ THE MONTH

LAST ISH’S RADDEST DUDE, RAN-MAN RECIEVING HIS AWARD
Besides rocking the kit for The Reebs, T-Spoon loves the Tart. He once stayed there until 6 a.m., after which he went 3 for 3 at an Awesome!!! kickball game. Speaking of kickball, for 2 years in a row now, T-Ravs has streaked through the championship game of the SKA tournament of champions. BITCH! Also, he is a walking hockey dictionary. If you wanna know anything about the bossest sport on ice, ask Co’ Slaw. And oh yeah, he loves to drink! STAY BITCH HOT TODDY!
DUDE GOT

SERVED!

Sometime, earlier this year, Mr. Rin Tin Tin lost his car. That’s right! He LOST his car. SERVED!!!!! It really

blows our minds, too. Somehow, he mislocated a Jeep Cherokee. Check out “Rock ‘n’ Roll + Mad Dog = Lost Rigg”

in this Issue’s Dudes In General section. WOW! Get it together Tin Dude!

D-Bomb: “Walking On A Thin Line” – Huey Lewis and the News Mr. Rin Tin Tin: “Sister Christian” – Night Ranger S-Squared: “Wrong Kinda Girls” – Johnie 3 Root: “Million Dollar Bill” – Jimmy Thackery Lonewolf: “How Low” – Against Me! 8Bit: “You’ve Got Another Thing Comin’” – Judas Priest Spider: “Domination” - Pantera Co’ Slaw: “King Of Brooklyn” – Devil Doll Cable Monster: “A Bitch Is A Bitch” - NWA Reverend Norb: “Wenches Of Turpentine Street” – Knaughty Knights B-Rad: “D.E.A.D.R.A.M.O.N.E.S” – Modern Life Is War J-Man: “Copperhead Road” – Steve Earle Bebop: “Blood And Fire” – Manu Chao Big Time Junior: “Axel F” from the soundtrack for the motion picture Beverly Hills Cop – Harold Faltermeyer Dirty Mick: “Big River” – Johnny Cash Rocksteady: “Fuquawi” – Booker T. & The MG’s
Captain All Night: “Profits Of Doom” - Clutch
Pager Dave: “Nice Day For A Resurrection” – Nekromantix Deep Space Dan: “Stop I’m Already Dead” – Deadboy & the Elephantmen
Flicks O’ the Month
Nighthawk: Mr. Baseball D-Bomb: My Stepmother Is An Alien Mr. Rin Tin Tin: Spaceballs S-Squared: Better Off Dead Root: Cannonball Run II Lonewolf: Baseball – A Film by Ken Burns, all 9 Volumes 8Bit: Prognosis Negative Spider: Acid House Co’ Slaw: Grandma’s Boy Cable Monster: Viva Las Vegas Reverend Norb: Naked Lunch B-Rad: “Do You Remember?”: 15 years of the Bouncing Souls J-Man: Hard Rock Zombies Bebop: Harlem Nights Big Time Junior: Munich Dirty Mick: Fast Times at Ridgemont High Rocksteady: Sorry Skate Video Captain All Night: DimeVision, Volume 1: That’s The Fun I Have Pager Dave: Cry-Baby Deep Space Dan: The Gaff Rig Caper
Foods O’ the Month
Nighthawk: ‘Za D-Bomb: White Castle Mr. Rin Tin Tin: ‘Nurts S-Squared: Reuben Sammy Root: Cherry Mash Candy from St. Joseph, MO Lonewolf: Neopolitan Ice Cream 8Bit: Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pocket Spider: Roast Beef Sammy w/ Cheese, side of Smashed Potatoes from Iron Barley Co’ Slaw: Meatball Sub from Blues City Deli Cable Monster: Back Bacon Reverend Norb: Cheesy Bean and Rice Burrito from The Tock B-Rad: Lotta Pops Popsicles J-Man: Foot Long Pronto Pup (Corn Dogger) w/ ‘stard in Memphis Bebop: Hydrocodene w/ Ice Water and Toast Big Time Junior: Protein Dirty Mick: Haribo Candy Rocksteady: Cornbread Pancakes Topped w/ Chili Captain All Night: Roast Beef Sammy from Imo’s (thanks D-Bomb)
DUDESLOOK A LIKES

CAROL CONNER

DUDES WORD SCRAMBLE

BY NIGHTHAWK

1 – KPSAN NBAK _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 2 – UCP PU _ _ _ _ _ 3 – KJNU TCISK _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 4 – DOUHN _ _ _ _ _

EARL WEAVER

5 – PNAMOTO _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 6 – ELANFL SUDED _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 7 – GSEBRUR _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 8 – VAREC SCAE _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 9 – RSPDIPEI _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 10 – SMRUE _ _ _ _ _

SPICOLI
GREG MADDUX

KHALIL GREEN FERRIS BUEHLER

DUDES NOGGIN’

SCRATCHERS

A brief look at those little questions which seem to have no answer...

1. How did Dr. Heathcliff and Clare Huxtable manage to keep the sauce simmerin’?

Was it the sweaters? Was it Heathcliff’s hot dance moves and love for jazz? Can any Dude expect this much lovin’ in a real life marriage?

2. Whatever happened to the novelty pencil?

Have people simply lost interest?Can they still be found at Six Flags or in Bran-son? Did environmentalists complain about the amountof wood needed? Is it because they are not #2?Still could be a great gag...

3. Why does a massive dump take so little effort while hard pushin’ usually only forces out a

couple small turds, if any?

Is it God’s way of punishin’ Dudes?Does hard pushin’ cause the turds to disintegrate?

Careful not to push too hard Dudes, you don’t want to end up with Cherries or a hernia (yes is itpossible).

Maybe some questions are meant to be left unanswered...

WHAT WOULD YOU

DO, DUDE?

“SUMMER OF REGRESSION” EDITION

BY MR. RIN TIN

Someone on your kickball team promised to plan an off-season pizza party at Happy Joe’s, but failed to deliver. Do You:

A. Wait till next off-season to have the party

B. Plan the party yourself

C. Save up pizza boxes for weeks and cover their yard with them

A Dude you thought you were cool with black balls you in some way, i.e. the Dude does not invite you to his wedding even though you are pretty tight (so you thought). Do You:

A. Ignore it and hope things right themselves

B. Talk to him about the situation

C. T.P. the shit out of his house

You meet a dame at a party and things start to heat up pretty quickly. Before you know it, she is ready to make the trip to Slam Country, but you are sans hoop, which she insists you use. Do You:

A. Wait till next time to make the trip to Slam Country

B. Settle for the 3-Bagger

C. Use a plastic bag as a Condy, and get to bangin’

After gettin’ drunk on a summer night you find yourself gettin’ a little bored. Do You:

A. Hit the rack

B. Watch the tube

C. Go to Waffle House and grift the floor mat

Of course any Dude would answer C to all of the questions. Remember Dudes, growing up is optional so get out there this summer and have some fun like you used to back in the old days. It was fun then and it will be fun now. Maturity is for the birds!

NAME THAT

DUDE!

BY BOMBER

This “yoot” has no job. But he always has a lil’ Geoff. ---------

This Dude can boot the red rubber a loooong way.

This Dude pounds JIB tocks, says jean shorts are back, and is “prit-boss” if you know what I mean. ---------

This Dude pisses everywhere, you might have read the artie? All those places and my bedroom door. ---------

This Dude is number four on your kickball scorecard and number one in your hearts.

HOW DRUNK

ARE YOU!?!

BY HIS BOMBNESS

DRUNK – CRUNKED – SHIT-FACED – HOSED – WIPED SLICK

1 - It’s the night before Easter and this Dude has a wicked after-party at his apartment. He’s been pounding since he got off the Salties. After the bar, he’s ten deep and had a Coppy shots o’ Jag. All of a sudden its Caroliner Chirt in the morn’ and he’s drinking warm vodka out of a dry measuring cup. With him is his best work-Dude, who is married, and unfortunately didn’t make it home until noon. These Dudes were mos def’: _____ _____.

2 - A Dude is grinding it out on the line all night. He cleans and breaks down his station. He is ready to dole it, but then Jessica Alba comes in and wants to eat . So the executive chef throws this big whammy bar and fucks up his station, so

like an hour later he finally gets off, just in time

to pound out a sixer, pound out some waller, and power out a yank to J. Alb. This Dude is: _____ _____.

3 - There is a kickball tourney. There are tin men

on first and third. There are Jell-o shots. There

are roughly twenty people on Awesome!!!. There are roughly twenty _____-_____ people.

4 - Unfortunately, there are times in your life , when you have that rare, early morning, something or the other. These woeful times, you canonly dole out so much dap. You pound Decatur maybe Caroliner and you’re only: _____.

5 – St. Patrick’s Day every fucking year, no foolin’. We here at Dudes Mag, get absolutely: _____.

BY SWAMI BOMB-Y
TAURUS April 20- May20
-Play by the rules Taurus, always wear your fanny packs.
GEMINI May21- June 20
-You think you’re an intellectual, but actually, you’re an idiot.
CANCER June21- July22
-You are a drama queen who bitches about everything, constantly.
LEO July23-August22
-Just cause the lion thing is your symbol, it don’t make you tough motherfucker.
VIRGO August23-Sept-22
-Virgos, you’re healthy and attractive, and everyone wants to be you, or be with you.
LIBRA Sept23-Oct22
-If you’re a broad, you might be on your period. If you’re a Dude, you’re an asshole.
SCORPIO Oct23-Nov21
-Go to the tart and get a whore; she’ll know what to do.
SAGITTARIUS Nov22-Dec21
-How’s Bunk City Sagi’s? ‘Cause that’s were you live. Still.
CAPRICORN Dec22-Jan19
-Say it, don’t spray it. Your Momma got a wooden tittie and a kickstand. And your Daddy aint got no job. Foo’!
AQUARIUS Jan20-Feb18
-The song about you guys blows, but you’re alright, really you’re, just not bad yoots.
PISCES Feb19-March20
-Stop doing everything people tell you to do. Except that shit about the bridge, and jumping, DO that shit.

ARIES March21-April19
-Last but not least. I know some Aries broads who are babes. So take that for what it’s worth.

3-Bagger – third base with a broad. Acci-Dump – accidental dumpage. A Lil’ Thunder And Lightning – Dudes Brainstorming. Aunt Flow – when the “river runs red” for a whirleybird. Babyhawk – Nighthawk’s Junkstick. B-Lose – St. Louis Blues hockey club.

Boxin’ Out – what you do when you are done Postin’ Up.

!!!!!DUDES 1,000TH GLOSSARY TERM. TOTALLY BITCH!!!!!!

Bugger – insect or bug. Burgers – whirlerybirds. Ask Co’ Slaw. Camping – getting out in it. Cap Out – Cup Up. Car Camping – pussy camping. C-Drops – cough drops. Cherries – hemorrhoids. Chillin’ With Mom Natch – camping. Colds – Coldies.

Condy – 1. rubber, used for borfin’. 2. air conditioner.

Coppy – couple, as in, a couple of something. Crapdown – what any self-respecting Dude calls Smackdown, a WWE wrasslin’ show on UPN. Crave Case – 30 pack of White Castles. Most Dudely! C-Rete – concrete. Cup Up – what a babe does to increase her cup size, a.k.a. get bigger Yahbungos. Deadman – Youngertaker. Devil Rays – mustache corners (only when the middle of the mustache is M.I.A.), a.k.a. the Reverse Hitler; see G.G. Allin. Drippies – drips of suds from a Coldie. Dub-Power – The act of Powering One Out and then Powering Out A Yank in the same trip to the shitter. Dudes Abbreviated Whoa – Quicker version of Dudes Whoa. Basically, yelling “whoa” at an accelerated rate.

Dudes Docket – Dudes Plans for the day and/or evening. Dudes Manor – home to Dad, Tallman, and Nighthawk. Dudes Relay – any number of ways a Dude passes on a message to another Dude.

Dudes Victory Flag – a pair of a whirleybird’s undies. WHOO-HOO!!! When seized, the “Flag” should be flown in pride at Dudes Digs.

Dudes Whoa – an extra-hardcore “whoa”. Yell it loud Dudes! And repeat.

Dudes Work Center – where Dudes work on upcoming Issues of this fine publication, located at Dudes Manor.

Dumping Jacks – when a broad dumps out her dumpables and proceeds to do jumping jacks; the end result is “Dumping Jacks”. Fairie – a carnie who only works the county fair circuit. Fallen Dudes – Dudes who are dead. R.I.P. F-Head – Dudes forehead. Ghetto Juice – a mixture of sugar, water, and Flavor-Aid (Kool-Aid works, too). Nothin’ like it Dudes. Go Divin’ – hit up a dive bar. Goin’ Pound For Pound – what two Dudes are doin’ when they go splitsies on a 12’er, ‘Za, Crave Case, etc. Gol’ Brickin’ – what a Dude is found guilty of when a Dude DOES NOT come through in the clutch. Goof Box – jerk-off booth at the porno shop. Ground Zero – home base for Bebop and Rocksteady in S-Town, MO. Hawk Juice – Dudes Mayo which exits Nighthawk’s mid-section via his pork sword. Hoops – jimmy hats. Hundo – hundred. Junkstick – pork sword. Kansas City Spoils – Kansas City Royals. Lemay ‘Cho’s – chippers with ‘sup on top. ‘Mates – Playmate coolers. Maxi-Mart – Mr. Rin Tin Tin’s older brother, 8Bit. Mini-Mart – 8Bit’s younger brother, Mr. Rin Tin Tin. Mom Natch – Mother Nature. Murse – male nurse. Nap It Off – sleep off a good drunk, only to wake up and start over again. DUDES RULE! Old Bird’s Day – Mother’s Day. Pavement Pooch – Greyhound bus lines. Postin’ Up – establishing yourself wherever you are and no matter what you are doing. Pounder – 16-ounce can or bottle o’ suds, a.k.a. a pint can or bottle. Power Out A Squirt – take a leak. Power Out A Yank – choke your chicken. Pre-Dators – Nashville Predators hockey club. Rigg Losin’ Drunk – so drunk that you lose your rigg. Rock Stick – guitar. Salties – Salt Mines. Schiavoed – passed out, as in the case of Terry Schiavo. Self Dap – what a Dude is dolin’ out when he talks himself up a bit. F.Y.I. – It is totally not BITCH to do this AT ALL! Shittin’ On Mom Natch – littering. Sitchies – situations. Slam Country – Boneyard. Sleeveless Saturdays – every Saturday for Pager Dave. Smash And Dash – a little hit and run on some poon-tang. Sniffer’s Rail – the ledge in front of the front row of seats at the Tart. Great spot for the Reese Roll-Up.

Spank Bank – 2. place in memory where Dude stores mental images of Burgers for later use. In Ish 5, original Deffie was “what a Dude blows

his load into upon jerkin’ it”. Spears – darts. Tampoon – tampon. T-Bucks – turnbuckles; as in the “squared circle”. The ‘Jects – projects. The Mo-Fo – The Morganford Lounge in south Saint Louis. The Orange Box – Home Depot.

T-Nadoes – tornadoes. T-Splitter – turd cutter, a.k.a. a Splitter. V-Cro – Velcro. Vittle Shop – grocery store.

Waffleball – wiffleball. Waste Of Kindling – what a Dude ends up with when he “fires” on a broad and ends up not getting any action.

Weatherbox – Dudes Dome. This is where A Lil’ Thunder And Lightning goes down. Yahbungos – boobulators (from the Swahili for boobulators). Y-in’ It Up – what you are constantly doing if your name is Bryan (not cool, obviously, because anyone named Bryan [with a Y] is a complete dork). Youngertaker – WWE legend, the Undertaker. ‘Za-in’ It Up – ordering ‘zas. ‘Za Shop – pizza place.

Dudes Magazine

Dudes Mag Staff

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