Your Blue Collar Can’t Hide Your Redneck

By Rocksteady

You can hear them coming from a mile away. As the earth starts to shake you can see a bright red F3500 pick- up truckcoming over the horizon with the words “Ain’t Skeered” in red, white,and blue across the top of the windshield. This truck can belong toonly one breed, the Redneck.

There are different Redneck tribes in America, mainly scattered across the south and in small towns throughout America. However, Redneck culture is starting to seep into our cities like septic tank sewage that has seeped into many Rednecks’ water supply. The popularity of The Blue Collar Comedy Tour is one reason for this. This show gives a bad name to many of the fine blue collar workers inAmerica. After a hard days work at the Salt Mines, the last thing I would want to do iswatch this shitty show.

Most Rednecks I have come across love to hate anyone except for White Anglo Saxon Protestant Americans, also known as WASPs. They fly the Confederate flag withpride, even in Missouri. Guess what chicken-shits, Missouri never left the Union, so it can’t stand for “southern pride”.

Fortunately, like all mainstream fads, mainstream Redneck culture will quickly disappear, and Dudes Culture will remain. Rednecks will always exist, but if they stay intheir isolated communities and don’t act like tough guys and steal my beer aftershouting, “I’m so Fucking Drunk”, it’ll be fine by me, because hey, if it wasn’t for these pieces of shit we’d have no monster truck rallies or Johnny Paycheck.

The Jocks: “The Worst Band You Never Heard”

By Dave-O

If you’ve ever been smacked in the nuts, you maybe haveexperienced what can only be referred to as “physicalemotions”. You’ve felt this. Your whole body reacts in an almost emotional way to the imminent and seeminglyinsurmountable pain. You feel, first, something like shock – disbelief, even, that anything could ever be so excruciating –followed by a revulsion that slowly (so slowly!) evolves into akind of nauseous despair. You’re probably rolling around onthe ground at this point. And the most eerie thing aboutgetting smacked in the nuts is that the whole experience isusually marked by a soundtrack of weird, spectral laughterbecause you are probably at a party or whatever, and everyone else is standing around kind of nervously laughing at the whole thing because it really is kind of funny, really. In this and so many more ways, the history of The Jocks is a lot like getting smacked in the nuts. Shock. Revulsion. Nauseous despair. Uncomfortable laughter. We were fucking terrible.

Well, I mean, maybe not so bad. No, well… no. I mean, Yes. Fucking terrible. But, ofcourse, at the time, it made more sense than anything to do what we were doing, whichwas an abomination, sure, but it was the best abomination that we could come up with.I’d say that we even eventually achieved a kind of modest success, but to use the word“modest” anywhere near the words “The Jocks” is a kind of blasphemy, really. You’ll see why.

So basically we were a band. We all listened to ska – there were, by this point, probablythousands of third wave ska bands already, nationwide – and then we simplified it and made it more vulgar. We even thought we were good. We weren’t good. This, however, didn’t stop us. We offered no questions, no answers, no ideology, no agenda… just a kind of retarded hedonism that meant nothing, accomplished nothing, and – quitefortunately – went nowhere further than Laclede’s Landing (trendy club area in St.Louis). Because we were young and stupid and full of dreams and energy andgraduation money. But at the time, though, nothing meant more to us. I loved the Jocks. Still do.

Well, I mean, we were alright. At times. There were some shows where we could have easily been mistaken for a bona fide, albeit overly profane ska-punk band. However, ourdefining characteristic – that which warrants the recorded history found herein – is thatwe were the first of the really bad ska bands in St. Louis. Sure there were alreadydozens of ska bands in St. Louis by the time we were straightening our ties and hittingthe stage, but those bands still had their dignity. Our dignity, on the other hand, vanished with each painful crack of our singer’s nasal voice; with each missed beat; witheach reference to genitals. We paved the way for a new wave of bands who would be like us – better maybe, but still bad. Unfortunately, since these bands never actually saw us, they would never know.

We were a young band, The Jocks, if not physically than surely mentally. We went to high school. Our singer – amazingly – was the fucking class president (!), and was wellliked by all. It was surprising, therefore, that he was in a band called The Jocks, the name of which – kind of inherently – was an affront to a substantial portion of the studentbody. It was surprising, too, that he was even in a band at all, given the idiosyncraticway with which he would hit high notes – a kind of swallowed hiccup, if that makes sense. You would have had to have heard him, which you probably didn’t. But he was fucking great, though, and just what The Jocks needed. (Looking back, uh, we needed alot of things, not the least of which was a working microphone, but this is beside thepoint, if there is a point here at all.) But, really, we all still think he is fucking great. We can’t not like him.

It may, however, have been his initial inspiration that forced the band into the abyss of putrid, pubertal sexuality from which we would spend the rest of our brief career trying invain to escape. The band was conceived in October 1996, in his third-story bedroom, afew hours before the MU330 and Mustard Plug show in our high school’s auditorium. (Yes, they played there. Weird, huh?) That night, though, he wrote the lyrics to“Masturbation” and “Anal Sex and Bestiality”. Dave W. and I wrote the music. Well, we didn’t really “write it”; both songs were the same three chords, played at different tempos. Played badly. And I guess that Dave B. cannot be held entirely at fault for ourtrademark lyrics: infantile, loutish, upsetting. Dave W. wrote “Dream Girl”. I wrote “UpAll Night”, “Kelly Skapowski” and “Penis Envy”. Our songs, by the way, were usually pretty ironic about things.

So our band had had one practice. We then recruited Matt to play drums. He was prettygood. Still is. But we needed a name. Everyone tangential to the operation – ourwould-be fans – suggested the obvious: “Three Daves and a Matt”. But there was something very red-flag about that name. Maybe it wasn’t memorable. Maybe it wasthe worst fucking band name ever. We settled on The Jocks. As an amalgam of ourdisdain for high school hierarchy and our increasingly, and I’d like to believe scathingly satirical nature, the name stuck. (I remember, too, having considered The Puritans as a name, which probably would have been good, too.)

We had even lined up a gig at – get this – “Bandapalooza”. I can’t remember which was worse, that name or our performance. Every song was marred by mistakes. I tried to play trumpet in one song. We covered “Sweet Home Alabama” without having listened to the original version first. We threw carrots and puzzles into the audience. Peopleclapped sympathetically, painfully awaiting the moment when we would say “Alright folks, this is our last song…”. I think we did say that, too, because I remember someone’s voice cracking.

The next show, at Bernard’s Pub, was better. It marked the first appearance of Jockothe Gorilla, our mascot. He was pink and fuzzy and huge, and I stole him from poorchildren, if you can believe that, which you should, because it’s true. I am not proud ofthis story, but the whole thing is kind of too ambiguous anyway. (If you are reallyinterested, write to me c/o Dudes Magazine. I’ll spill my guts.) Regardless, weapparently felt it was necessary to bring this pink stuffed gorilla to our shows. Askingwhy will only confuse you – and us – at this point.

Over the course of our deservedly brief career, we played at Bernard’s Pub many moretimes. One time, we literally got paid $5. We had paid $6 to park.

Also over the course of our deservedly brief career, we played many covers, including but not limited to Lynard Skynard’s “Sweet Home Alabama”, Pearl Jam’s “Better Man”,Bette Midler’s “Wind Beneath My Wings”, The Misfits’s “Astro Zombies”, and the themesong from The Facts of Life. There were probably more. These were the better ones.

But while the stripped-down approach to ska – guitar/bass/drums – worked well forbands like Operation Ivy and the Suicide Machines, by March of 1997, The Jocks decided to explore a new, ultimately tragic musical direction: horns. We hit the stage as the opening act of the Bernard’s Pub St. Patrick’s Day show, and we were like a new band. It was a huge show, and despite the legions of freezing fans waiting on the cobbled streets of Laclede’s Landing, the Pub refused to open its doors for whatever reason. It was at this confusing, controversial moment that The Jocks improvised the song “Open the Fucking Door” over a wall of fuzzy power-chords and an assault ofangered, staccato drumming during our soundcheck. The Pub wasn’t pleased.

Once it began, however, the show marked the introduction of the two newest Jocks, Nickand Ben; they played trumpet and trombone, respectively. We had never practiced with both of them at the same time. In our naïveté, we just figured that they would pick upeach tune onstage. We were pretty fucking stupid. The St. Patrick’s Day Massacre, as Ilike to call it, was a landmark show for The Jocks: mohawks, mandolins, and the painful realization that new does not always mean improved.

Additionally, adverse elements threatened to tear apart the band. Graduation was imminent. Plus we were starting to realize how bad we were. Yet despite the two-tone tension that surrounded us, the best show had yet to be played. And, well, the worstshow.

The best show was at our high school’s Spring Fling, a yearly event that features musicand other things. I don’t know what else; I didn’t really pay attention. But The Jocks were in rare form. By this time, May of 1997, ska was bigger than ever, and we headlined the event riding a wave of trendy mediocrity, as opposed to the regular old mediocrity that we were used to. The show was great. There was moshing. Jocko the Gorilla was ripped apart by the frenzied crowd, and during one song, his severed headlanded on Matt’s snare drum. The horn players laid low, allowing the band’s true creative element to shine. Which maybe it did, for once.

The worst show was another outdoor event, this time in a plaza of the University CityLoop. We were recruited to play by a member of The Solicitors to play in this outdoor festival, and it was the first time we were ever acknowledged by any member of anotherska band. For this show, The Jocks would be incomplete. Dave B. had returned to his native Jersey shore for the summer, choosing to leave the band on amicable terms. I – Dave O. – stepped up to fill in on the vocals, rather than subject anyone new to theenduring embarrassment associated with being a Jock. I couldn’t actually sing. We took to the stage wearing suspenders borrowed from our graduation uniforms from theceremony on the preceding day. But with a high school degree under my belt, rhyming“loner” with “boner” and “match” with “snatch” just wasn’t appealing anymore. And despite the debut of two new songs, “Internet Love” and “I Like Books”, The Jocks knew they were through. It rained, and we played nearly as poorly as we did at our first show. The horns squawked stridently as we fumbled through our set before tossing Schnucksbrand Personal Lubricant into the crowd. Old habits are, as they say, hard to break.

In a surprise, underground appearance (that is, in a basement), The Jocks played their final show without the nonessential brass and contrived wackiness that plagued their career. Still without Dave B. at the helm, the band performed as a three-piece in JimHaggerty’s basement in the early summer of 1997 to a small but appreciative crowd.Unlike the larger, largely apathetic audiences that they were used to, the intimate atmosphere of the basement welcomed The Jocks as they, in turn, welcomed it. It was one of the best shows we’d played.

It was fun, The Jocks. It was simple, silly. We tried. We failed, maybe, but we took a lot of innocent people along for the ride. Whenever possible, we would convince threefemale friends to flaunt their untrained voices as members of the “Jockettes”, our often-indifferent backup singers. At our first show, we coaxed the crowd into a “slow clap” for the intro to “Bunnies”. (This arrogant little move was stolen from a pep rally earlier in the week, where the entire school was similarly coerced by some kind of studentgovernment official.) When we later dedicated “Penis Envy” to the football team, theyburst into cheers and applause. I wonder if any of them ever got the joke, either at thetime or later. Would they still have cheered? But it doesn’t really matter now. Somebody got it, probably.

Like everything we did, the joke was pretty obvious.

Dudes Don’t Let Dudes Drink Tennessee Whisky

By 1Gun

In the recent Issue of Dudes Mag, one of the topics in the “Meet The Dudes” section left me feelingdisgusted and at the same time very sorry for someDudes Mag staff members that will, for now, remain nameless. “Jack Daniel’s? What the Fuck” was my exact first thoughts. Then I realized that the poorcity folk had lived a sheltered, urban existencewithout ever truly knowing the pure pleasure of thesweet candy known as Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whisky. Kentucky Straight BourbonWhisky is one of the finest examples of American Tradition and Heritage in every bottle. The process by which the sour mash is fermented is a procedure that is governmentregulated to ensure that only the finest whisky from the state of Kentucky carries thename Bourbon. You see, in order to carry the name Bourbon by Federal law, Corn must be the primary ingredient (at least 51%) of the sour mash with rye or wheat being thesecondary ingredient. All Bourbon must also be aged in Oak barrels for a minimum ofthree years. The yeast used in this fermentation process is an organism that has beenkept alive since the time our forefathers fought and gained independence of our greatcountry from Great Britain. This yeast is the key ingredient in the flavor of the sourmash. The government knew that the inbred sisterfuckers of Tennessee were not competent enough to master the gentle balance involved in the fermentation process.This is why the government required them to carry the lesser label of Tennessee Whiskey, although they originally favored putting a banner across the bottle that read “shitty”. Price is another consideration. Although the high end bourbons such as JimBeam’s master distiller, Booker Noe’s 20 year Distiller’s Masterpiece sells for upwards of$250, many delicious Bourbons sell for the same price as a 750ml bottle of Dookie JackDaniel’s. Parker Beam has mastered the recipe for Evan Williams Single Barrel at thesame price, and Maker’s Mark is actually less expensive for ten times the flavor. But being a Dude, why not go for quantity with quality. W.L. Weller and their daughter distillery Rebel Yell (my personal favorite) as well as Old Charter make half gallons bottles in the same price range as a liter of Dookie Daniels. And the true Bourbon drinkers can enjoy Evan Williams for half the price. Oh, and by the way Crown Royaland all Canadian Whiskey is SHIT. All Irish whiskey, although it was in part the Irish whose whiskey culture inspired the great tradition of Bourbon, is still SHIT. Irish and Canadian Whiskey are made similar to Bourbon, except neutral grain alcohol is blendedto the mash to make a higher alcohol content without taking the time to age. Blended Whiskey is the term used for this process. Blended Whiskey is SHIT. So what I am trying to say here is drink some Bourbon. Don’t disgrace yourself by admitting to being aTennessee Whiskey Drinker. You will have to wear around a banner that says “shitty”.

Dick Her Down

“The Captain All Night Story” By Captain All Night, a.k.a. the “Titan of Fightin” himself

Warning to all the lady readers: While reading this story you may get the impression that the Captain is insensitive to your feelings. The Captain would like all the ladies to remember this isn’t to cross any lines or be offensive; in fact, just the opposite. Ladies, believe the Captain when he tells you, deep, deep, deep down in the Titan of Fightin’s heart … The Captain cares. A long time ago (Halloween ’04), in a galaxy far, far away (A-Town), the land was dominated by d-bags possessing no skills inside the “squared circle of love”, and its population of whirleybirds lived completely unsatisfied. In this hour of darkness, and most desperate time of need, a Dude … amongst Dudes, a lover … beyond lovers, a Captain … of all nights was born. This Captain’s mission, to provide the proper “Taint Commandments” for Dudes who are not properly handling their “Gap Assignments”. As the crowd stood mesmerized, the Captain began to explain. The Captain all night realizes that not all Dudes are on the same level of the “Taint Commandments”. So here’s how to properly dick her down on all levels of Dudes everywhere.

For the “Rookie Dudes”, though shooting for the stars, just aren’t quite gettingvery far. 1: Closing the deal – This is the step where … well, let’s face it, most RookieDudes don’t realize that it’s “go-time” until a whirleybird is throwing herself at him. 2: Twat Chop – While you’re feeling her up, give her a nice rub-down – twatchop style. 3: Gutter Flush – This is where you do all your “talking downtown”. A lot of you rookies aren’t into hanging out downstairs, because quite frankly you’re rookies, but forthe same reason you’re going to have to do what you have to do to get her as “gearedup” as possible until you develop your skills. 4: Testin Out the Ride – Begin to “go for the gold”, but SLOWLY! There’s two reasons for this: First reason is you want to get reactions or feedback on how well you’ve done so far. The second reason is … you’re a rookie and you’ll be done in like 2 minutes. 5: Better Luck Next Time Champ – Don’t get discouraged, you just needpractice. Be happy (for now) knowing that a lot of Dudes never even get to the promisedland.

Now to the “Pro Dudes” who are so cool they don’t walk, they glide. 1: “Don’t Fight It, You Know You Want Me” – When you spot that whirleybird inthe corner mesmerized by your ability to take a shot of Kentucky Tavern in mid-sentenceand finish without taking a breath.

2: Slippery Pete – The Slippery Pete is what the Captain … I mean Dudes can refer to as their tongue. Just let Pete go twisting and twirling around to get the lowdown. Think of it as gently “probing the pune-tang”. 3: Diddle the Clit – Kind of an advanced level of the twat chop, except on thePro level it’s more of a tease to excite the whirleybird, because after all if she gets theSlippery Pete in correct fashion, she’ll be dying for the Captain’s rod … I mean Dudes Instrument of Love. 4: The Strike (or Lockout) – You could just pound it out, but instead you go slow and hold out until the best possible deal is on the table (or the bed, couch, table, backseat of the rigg, whatever), and when the deal is “laid-out” in front of you … 5: Jack Hammer – Any Pro Dude knows this is self-explanatory. For yourookies in simplest terms, “You’re just going for it.” To the “Bad Motherfuckin Dudes” out there who don’t actually need this, but arewilling to give insight to the rookies. 1: Full Ball Claw – The only way to know if you’re doing this right is if yourwhirleybird is so overwhelmed and consumed by a Dude’s love that she just has to get 2hands full of the D-D-D-Dudes Unit. 2: Mouth–to–“Mouth” – Does the Captain really have to explain this to you?Look, if you’re doing it right, she’ll let you know. 3: Don’t Worry Babe, I Got It Side-Winder – The simplest way to explain this is the backwards cowboy … standing up. This is a very technical and difficult maneuverthat only “Bad Motherfuckin Dudes” should be performing. The only problem with thisstep is that it requires so much energy that it normally leads to … 4: Just-Buck-n-It-Out – This is where the both of you are both racing for the Captain All Night’s hometown, otherwise known as, Satisfied Vagina, U.S.A. 5: Gashus Clay – Just like Muhammed Ali (or Cassius Clay), this is where you knock it out. When you’re a “Bad Motherfuckin Dude”, you don’t leave your whirleybirdawake wondering what she’s missing. The only thing she wants when you’re done is to sleep satisfied. And as the Captain All Night made his departure, he proclaimed to the masses, “We don’t sleep with the ladies, we keep ‘em up all night!”

Dudes Fun Fact # 1

(Courtesy of Jimmy in San Antone) In Ontario, Canada, women can go topless wherever men also can.

Dudes Foods

“International Cuisine” By 8Bit

As a Dude of the world, sometimes I long to sample foods from other countries,but I cannot afford to eat at fancy-pants restaurants. Luckily though, one can take a touraround the world just by visiting their local Jack In The Box.

Mexican: Hola Senor, feel like taking a trip south of the Border? Try some tacos! Theyare filled with ground-up anchovy meat, beef-flavored powder, government-grade cheese, lettuce, and hot sauce. Muy Bueno! And 2 Tocks cost only 99 cents. And if that doesn’t fill you up, get some taquitos. They’re basically the same as the Tocks except they are rolled up instead of flat.

English: The English are famous for their pasty skin, dry humor,and terrible food. Jack In The Box has brought that famous bland taste across the pond with their Fish and Chips combo. It comes with deep-fried fist parts, French fries, and a drink. To make your dining experience truly British, get an Iced Tea instead of a soda. And for a limited time, you can get your Fishand Chips Tony Blair style – with a cup of President Bush’s man chowder for dipping sauce.

Italian: Italian food is considered by some to be the finestcuisine in the world. Jack has cashed in on this misconceptionby offering terrible sandwiches with Italian names, the Pannido and the Bruschetta Chicken sandwiches. Do not waste yourtime getting either of these Dudes! They taste like shit and arehighly overpriced. Chinese: In a mood for a taste of the Orient? Jack’s go you covered. Order some eggrolls; they are filled with grass clippings and shred-up newspaper, and come with sweet and sour sauce. Eat them at your own risk though, word is a guy got a scorching caseof SARS after eating egg rolls from Jack In Da Crack.

American: Baseball, Apple Pie, premarital intercourse; these are all things that make America great. But one thing that makes us the best and fattest country in the world isdisgustingly big cheeseburgers. Behold, the Ultimate Cheeseburger! Three meat patties, three slices of cheese, no fucking lettuce or tomatoes because that shit’s for hippies, and we all know that hippies hate America. If you’re truly a patriot, you’ll get aBacon Ultimate Cheeseburger with an extra-large order of fries and an extra-large Coke.You’ll get one everyday until you’re too fat to fit through your front door, or have a massive heart attack – whichever comes first.

“Summertime BBQ Tips”

By Chef D-Bomb

For a successful summertime BBQ, here’s a list of essentials: 1 – a pit2 – tons of Heavies 3 – Dudes (shirtless)4 – Whirleybird (preferably shirtless, WHOA!)5 – wiffleball 6 – regulation washers7 – did i mention tons of Heavies? 8 – a trash can

“Comparing Weiners”By B-Rad

Fact number one: Dudes have to grub. It is a necessity. Without grub, a Dudecannot be a Dude. Fact number two: Dudes are lazy. Dudes want something fast and easy. Fact number three: What is more easy than one of thebest Dudes Foods of all time – hot dogs, or Doggers, as thisDude likes to refer to them. Hot dogs also have lineage to the hometown of DudesMag! Here’s a sample that some of you Dudes out theremight find pretty BITCH! “In 1893, sausages became thestandard fare at baseball parks. This tradition is believed to have been started by a St. Louis bar owner, Chris Von de Ahe,a German immigrant who also owned the St. Louis Brownsmajor league baseball team. Many hot dog historians chafe atthe suggestion that today’s hot dog on a bun was introducedduring the St. Louis ‘Louisiana Purchase Exposition’ in 1904 by Bavarian concessionaireAnton Feuchtwanger. As the story goes, he loaned white gloves to his patrons to holdhis piping hot sausages, and as most of the gloves were not returned, the supply beganrunning low. He reportedly asked his brother-in-law, a baker, for help. The baker improvised long, soft rolls that fit the meat – thus inventing the hot dog bun. Everyonewants to claim they invented the hot dog bun, but the most likely scenario is the practicewas handed down by German immigrants and gradually became widespread inAmerican culture.”

Now that is pretty durn BITCH if I do say so myself!Let’s compare the best kind of Doggers around, now thatthe quick history lesson is over with. The gas stationDogger, cooked with care on the rotisserie, is the best dog out there. Whether it’s a quick lunch at the Mines, ora late-night snack after a few Heavies, the gas stationDogger has been this Dudes saving grace many a time.TONIGHT!

Dogger # 1: Quiktrip Without a doubt, the best bang for your buck. At a whopping 99 cents, this good-sized tube of processedmeat is always cooked well; never been on the rolls too

‘Sup and ‘Stard, but who the

Dogger # 2: Mobil On the Run Dudes Fact: Only Mobil On the Run has Doggers, regular Mobil gas stops do not.A little more pricey than the QT Dogger at $1.29, but well worth the extra 30 cents. Whyyou ask? FREE CHILI AND CHEESE! Though the buns are not kept warm, thecondiment stand is second to none. Shredded cheddar, lettuce, salsa, onions, Tobasco; you want it, they have it! But the kicker is the free chili and cheese. What could be better than chili out of a machine? Just make sure you knock that little dried-up bit ofchili off the chili spout before you cover your Dogger.B-Rad’s Dogger Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Dogs

Dogger # 3: 7-Eleven Ah, the famous Big Bite. The most expensive out of the gas station dogs at littleover a $1.30, (depending on which 7-E you’re at) these dogs, in this Dude’s opinion areat the low end of the totem pole when it comes to Dogger quality. While they do havefree chili and cheese, I know, I know, what could be better than that right? How about changing those dogs out?!? 7-E’s dogs just look like they’ve been on that rotisserie little over a month. That cheese is damn spicy though. Makes a Dude lay some wickedcable on contact. Which is not good when you work outside with no bowl in site.B-Rad’s Dogger Rating: 2 out of 5 Dogs

All in all, you’ll probably see this Dude at the Dogger stand at Mobil On the Runat Big Bend and I-44 more often than not, but if I’m not there, just cross the street, andI’ll be at QT.

Dudes Baseball Trivia

By Lonewolf

-What catcher had the best career record at throwing out runners?

Roy Campanella who threw out 57% of the Dudes who tried jacking bases on him.

-True or False: When Babe Ruth hit 60 homers in 1927, a ball bouncing over the fence wasconsidered a home run.

TRUE – Although it should be noted that the Babe never hit his homers that way.

-Name the only two players to play in a World Series the year before winning the Rookie of the Year award.

Todd “the Godd” Worrell (’85-’86) and Steve “anal” Sax (’81-’82).

-There have been 10 players in Major League history named “Homer”, but six of theDudes didn’t hit a single homer in their careers. The Homer with the most career homers was the Cleveland Indians’ Homer Summa, who hit 18 dingers in his 10-yearcareer. (His mama should have named him Pussy.)

-Name the only 3 MLB Dudes to steal a base in four different decades.

Ted Williams, Tim “Rock” Raines, and Ricky Henderson.

-True or False: Rogers Hornsby and Babe Ruth both started their baseball careers playing with women’s teams.

FALSE – Babe didn’t play on a women’s team, BUT Hornsby DID to start his career.

-Who was the oldest pitcher to win 20 games in a season for the first time?

Jamie Moyer of the M’s, who was 38 in 2001 when he finished a stellar 20-6.

-Which of the following did not start his professional baseball career as a pitcher: BabeRuth, Stan Musial, Lonewolf, or Sandy Koufax?

Sandy Koufax

-True or False: Hall of Famer Bob Gibson once played pro basketball with the HarlemGlobetrotters.

TRUE – You go Gibby!

-In 2001, (Al)Bert Pujols became only the 4^th rookie, and the 1^st in more than 50 years, topost a .300 batting average, 30 long balls, 100 RBIs, and 100 runs scored.

-There have been 18 different presidents of the United States since the Cubs last won the World Series. (…Pussies!)

-Who said it: “Bill James (cybernetics guru) is a little fat guy with a beard who knowsnothing about nothing.”

Sparky Anderson (Damn Sparky, pipe down!)

-Who was the only non-Reds player elected to the National League starting lineup forthe 1957 All-Star game?

Stan “the Man” Musial -When Babe Ruth hit 60 dingers in 1927,whose single-season record did he break?

HIS OWN, he dropped 59 bombs back in 1921.

Dudes ‘Views

PUBES

Conducted By Nighthawk

The Pubes are a Saint Louis punk band. They have played aroundfor a while. One of them, L-Vis, even writes for this magazine. They are alltotal Dudes. I got the chance to sitdown with 3 of them at the Roadhouse in Olivette, MO on a night in late Mayof 2005.

Nighthawk of Dudes Mag: How old are each of you and what do you each

Left to Right: Brown Bear, Peat Henry, L-Vis, and

do in the band?

BassAmp

Peat Henry: I’m 19, and I sing. L-Vis: I’m not sure do to irresponsible parenting, but I rock the 6-string axe! BassAmp: I’m over 21, and I beat the skins. L-Vis: Brown Bear isn’t hear, but he’s 26 and plays the bass. BassAmp: Yeah, he’s at some wedding thing.

Dudes Mag: What is your favorite beer and/or hard liquor? BassAmp: I’m not really a big drinker. L-Vis: Red Stripe and Tequila. Peat: Colt 45 Double Malt driving cans, and I’ll drink whatever hard stuff is available.

Dudes Mag: How long has this lineup been together? Peat: 2 years with Brown Bear.

Dudes Mag: You just got off tour; how was that? Peat: Brown Bear had a 4-way with 2 chicks and a Dude. BassAmp: It was awesome and radical. Peet: There were lots of whores. BassAmp: Yeah, it was whimsical.

Dudes Mag: Which one of you Dudes bought a whore? L-Vis: Brown Bear did.

Dudes Mag: Was that your first tour? BassAmp: No. The first one was in 2002. Peat: Yeah, with Nineteen.

Dudes Mag: What was the most BITCH band you played with on this tour? BassAmp: Jewdriver. Peat: Sudden Death Syndrome.

Dudes Mag: What was the most BITCH place you played while on tour? Peat: To the seals and sea lions on the wharf in San Francisco.

Dudes Mag: You’re working on a new record. How’s that going? L-Vis: Good.

Dudes Mag: How many recordings have you released? BassAmp: Two. A demo and a full length.

Dudes Mag: How rich are you Dudes? Peet: I own a go-kart. BassAmp: I have a Maserati.

Dudes Mag: Does it do 185? BassAmp: No, it goes 210. L-Vis: I’m rich with puppy love.

Dudes Mag: Do you Dudes have day jobs? BassAmp: We’re all number crunchers. L-Vis: Brown Bear is a midnight golfer.

Dudes Mag: What’s each of your favorite skin mags? Peat: One of the black ones. Dudes Mag: Black Tail? Peat: Yeah, that’s it. There’s one in my girlfriend’s bathroom, and I look at it sometimes. L-Vis: 100% Hustler. BassAmp: JUGS.

Dudes Mag: What’s the most BITCH band you’ve ever played with?

L-Vis: The Queers. BassAmp: Groovie Ghoulies. Peat: Beerzone.

Dudes Mag: What’s the most BITCH place you’ve ever played? Peat: On a cloud.

Dudes Mag: You’re live shows are fucking BITCH. Have you Dudes ever thought about putting out a live record or a live video? BassAmp: No. We’re gonna do that once we have our go-kart track.

Dudes Mag: As far as the Lou goes, what’s the most BITCH band in the 314, besides the PUBES of course? BassAmp: Bunnygrunt. L-Vis: Ded Bugs.

Dudes Mag: What’s the most BITCH place to play while in Saint Louis? BassAmp: Slaughterhouse. L-Vis: Nighthawk’s old kitchen. Peat: Yeah, that’s where we found out that Brown Bear knew all of our songs. L-Vis: We broke the glass on your oven door. Dudes Mag: I didn’t give a shit. It wasn’t mine.

Dudes Mag: If you could play with anyone who is still alive, who would it be? BassAmp: Angry Samoans. Peat: Billy Joel.

Dudes Mag: Speaking of bands who’ve been around for a long time, what’s up with the show you Dudes are playing with G.B.H.? Peat: It’s on July 16 at the Creepy Crawl. They’re old punkers with tall hair.

Dudes Mag: Didn’t you Dudes almost play with 999? BassAmp: Yeah, they cancelled. We were supposed to play with The Weirdos, but they cancelled too.

Dudes Mag: Who draws all the artwork for your T-shirts, flyers, and record covers? Peat: All of us come up with ideas, but BassAmp draws them all. L-Vis: I drew up the artwork for one of the T-shirts.

Dudes Mag: What’s up for the PUBES for the rest of 2005? L-Vis: A split 7” with the Spiders. Well, they changed their name to the Choir. Dudes Mag: That’s pretty lame. Peat: Yeah it is.

Dudes Mag: What should Dudes look forward to with Roadhouse Tunes (their label), besides my upcoming rap album? BassAmp: Yeah, you’ve got a rap album coming up. Mini-Skirt Fetish is gonna have a full length. Dudes Mag: How full is it gonna be?

Peat: As full as we can make it. L-Vis: We havea full length coming out this year (produced by Matt of the Ded Bugs), Sex Robots have a full length, Butt will have a full length. BassAmp: The Contradictions will have a full length and Butt is doing a split 7” with Bunnygrunt. L-Vis: We win.

For more info on the PUBES, check out their website at www.the-pubes.com,although this boner that used to be in the PUBES, Heroin Mark, hacked the site andthese Dudes can’t update anything. Thanks asshole! And, check out what’s happeningat Roadhouse Tunes at www.roadhousetunes.com

Due to the fact the Oranges Band (Baltimore, MD)just released a totally bitch album, we thought it would be agood idea to catch up with them and squawk about “TheWorld and Everything In It” (Lookout! Records). Dudes Mag was lucky enough to sit down and talk to RomanKuebler (Oranges Band singer/guitar player, ex-Spoon bassist) after a rocking set at Emo’s in Austin, Texas wherethe Oranges Band were supporting label mates Ted Leo and the Pharmacists.

Dudes Mag: You took a different approach in terms of how you recorded this new album, explain that process.Roman: Well, I basically had this idea as to exactly how I wanted the album to sound from the beginning. We recorded the drums first and built the tracks around the drums. We actually started with 17 tracks and the whole album was a very collaborative process. The album was initially recorded through 8 tracks and then we went back andtweaked it out from there.

Dudes Mag: You guys were fortunate enough to have sound-guru J. Robbins (played inJawbox/Burning Airlines, has produced albums by Against Me!, At the Drive-In, Jets to Brazil, Dismemberment Plan, Paint it Black, Braid…to name a few) to help out with theproduction. What was that like? Roman: Well, J. is actually my neighbor and it was an amazing experience to work with him on this album. Because we were recording in my basement, we were lucky enoughto work on this album at our own pace. When we initially started recording and focusingon the drum tracks, J. was a bit skeptical. After a while he totally warmed up to thesound we were going for and was a huge help.

Dudes Mag: One thing I dig about the new album is how well all of the vocal harmoniesturned out. Sticking with the overall vibe of the album, they are a little soft, buteventually produce a wonderful presence. How did you decide which harmonies to trylive and which ones to leave on the album? Roman: Well, we knew from the beginning that some of those vocal parts just couldn’t happen in our live set. We basically figured out which ones could work and understood that we can’t have every song sound exactly how it does on the album.

Dudes Mag: Now that the album is a finished product, what track are you most proud of and what is your favorite to play live? Roman: My favorite song off the new album is probably “Believe” (opening track) and my favorite one to play live would probably be “Ride the Wild Wave”.

Check out the Oranges Band website at www.theorangesband.com and Lookout! Records at www.lookoutrecords.com

MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT “The World and Everything In It” AND SUPPORT THESE GUYS IF THEY COME TO A TOWN NEAR YOU. YOU WILL BE DOING A SERIOUS DIS-SERVICE TO YOURSELF IF YOU DON’T. - Lonewolf

Dudes Tunes Reviews

By Lonewolf

Dudes Fun Fact # 3

Branch Rickey was the Dude who developed the farm system in baseball. He also was the Dude who signed Jackie Robinson to the Brooklyn Dodgers.

Dudes Sports:

2005 Punk Rock Bowling TournamentBy Endless Josh

Nobody needs to tell a True Dude about the glory of bowling. All one has to do is remember the raddest fictional Dudes of all time and their connection to the sport: Fred Flintstone, Homer Simpson, Jesus, and eventhe guy from The Big Lebowski (1998), whose fuckingNAME was The Dude. For cheap fun, not a whole lotbeats going down to your local bowl-o-rama, pounding afew Bud Heavies, and throwing some rocks. Every year, a few of the Punk Rock Conglomerates get together and have themselves a bowling tournament in Las Vegas. I’m no purist, but I think competition defeats the purpose of bowling. Dudes don’t bowl to win; they bowl to get shit wasted with their buddies and have a few laughs. But what thehell do I know? They’re millionaires and I’m some Dude along for the ride. The punk rock part of the whole thing was kinda bogus, too. It’s neither punkrock nor Dudely to have your bowling tournament at some square-ass hotel and charge$250 for a four-Dude team to bowl. After you factor in the cost of beer and vittles, howmany Dudes do you know that have the kind of scratch to finance partying like this? Not a damn lot. So the Dudeliness level of this tournament is already suspect before it’s even started. So you get to this hotel, ready to catch a few Z’s before you hit the bar withoutmercy, only to find out that of the five elevators that the hotel has for its 1000+ guests, exactly TWO are working. Need I spell out “BUNK FUCKING CITY” for anybody?There’s only two options in Vegas: partying and napping. Waiting for a damn elevator falls under neither category and should therefore be kept to a minimum. If you are one of the few Dudes who has squirreled away enough bread togamble a bit during your stay, go for it. If you hang around long enough, they bring youfree drinks. Stay away from granny shit like slot machines, though (editor’s note: all I play is slots at the casino); if you plan on pounding any gash over the course of the weekend, playing slot machines is just going to make you look like a colossaldouchebag. Stick with the horse races or blackjack. Saturday afternoon brings the beginning of the actual bowling tournament. If youbrought your testicles with you to Vegas, Saturday afternoon will also find you pretty fucking hungover and in need of some righteous vittles. Unfortunately, you’re in a hotel,where all the food sucks. Powerful sucks, like Mark Twain would say. Order chili and they’ll bring you ground beef and ketchup; even the hot dogs manage to suck. Luckily, as any True Dude knows, bowl-o-ramas are fricking beacons of righteousness. You can cover all your main food groups (like chicken fingers, nachos, and chili fries) separately, or grow some balls and throw them all on one plate. The bowling itself is surprisingly lame. Teams get assigned lanes (BUNK!) at random, so you could get stuck down on oneend of the alley next to some douchebags withthose fucking wristguards (FOR REAL! GROWNMEN THAT NEEDED TO WEAR WRISTGUARDS DURING BOWLING!), and therest of your buddies are like a half-mile away. Some people try to curtail their drinking duringactual game play because they’re “serious” about “winning” and “performing well”. This is fucking JIVE, Dudes. Trying to win a bowling tournament is like getting a star tattoo orlistening to Dave Matthews; you might as well Team Tiltwheel retire to your hotel room and get a head start onjerking it, because NO whirleybird is gonna letan asshole like you tap the Honeypot. Come on, you’re gonna be a jock asshole… bybowling? Fuck the ‘sip – here in Vegas, the real attraction is getting wiped slick, and the bowling part just gets in the way. The punk rock part of the weekend was pretty bogus, too. Most of the punks thatI know are pretty low-rent Dudes, and we all know that every hour we spend spiking ourhair or sewing anarchy patches on our bondage pants is an hour that we could havespent burning Dudes Earth and cranking bad jams like Thin Lizzy or the Replacements, and every dollar we spend on sleeve tattoos is a dollar that would have been betterspent on cold Adulders or renting classic flicks like Caddyshack (1980). Goddamn that’s a fucking sweet movie. But who really cares? If you can afford to buy $150 bondage pants, you’re probably a douchebag and a yuppie anyway. Bottom line: the Punk Rock Bowling Tourney is a bust. The only difference between the weekend in Vegas and a weekend on the couch with your buddies is that you can gamble, but you can’t walk into the kitchen and rock some microwaveable pizza rolls. But despite all the bullshit, you gotta respect all the Dudesthat showed up: Dudes that pounded Bud Heaviesuntil they passed out, then woke up and continued

Team of Roller Derby Birds

pounding; Dudes that didn’t change their clothes allweekend, not even when they puked up cigarette buttsonto their pants; Dudes that sat at blackjack tables for eight hours at a time and were never seen without a smoke and a highball glass of the Gentleman; in so many words –the True Dudes.

A Couple O’ Micks Blowin’ On Pipes

Dudes Shout Out

If you’re at Busch Stadium and need a Heavy, go see Cedric in the concourse behind sections 361-364. A 16 ounce is $6.25, and he calls it by name – Heavy.

One Day in May:

Strategy, Heartbreak, and Joy“Inside the Minds of Awesome” By Lil’ DerylWith Contributions by Buzz Bischinger

Within the context of sport, few events capture thehearts and spirits of man with such passion, such emotion,such competition, and such intensity. Under the Friday nightlights of a Texas high school football game, the twilight glow of an August eve at Busch Stadium, or a sunny Sunday Schlafly haze in Tower Grove Park, just such events come to life. Of course with the latter I speak of the Saint Louis KickballAssociation’s season-ending playoff tournament. As the kegsflowed, the BBQ grilled, and the rubber balls soared, one teamprepared to undertake that most challenging of competitions.That team was Awesome. As one looked on at field 3A that Sunday, a spectacle emerged that brought to mind the past accomplishments of thisteam named simply Awesome. To understand the day was to know what came before. This team standing on the pitch at 14and 1, Blue Division Champs, and brimming with confidence,had been through a lot in the past year, a metamorphosis, if you will. From the dirt stained ashes of the Shortnecks, a teambarely able to run a year before, but with a spirit strong enoughto propel them into the final day of SKA competition, a new team emerged. As Awesome was born, so too was a new dawn in the kickball era. This team would be different. They would try. A simple strategy really, but one unable to sustain under the former haphazard regime of one Sergeant Soda. And try they did. A new name, new jerseys, new players, and a newfound passion for the game. Practices followed, plays were setup, meetings, held, and finally the season awaited. No more “kicking” this team around.This rag tag bunch of guys and gals was molded into an efficient rubber demolishingteam. As the season wore on, the legend grew. Wins piled up as more teams andspectators saw and heard of the exploits of Awesome. Suddenly a loss. Not a loss, a trouncing by Tanner Bini’s. Could they come back having finally experienced the bittertaste of losing? You’re damn right they could. They responded by beating defendingchampions, and league low-lifes Gotham. They out-dueled Liquid Courage for the BlueDivision title. And finally, they got piss drunk off kegged beer against mates, KC’s Ghostrunners in a challenge game. All that remained was a Mother’s Day break and theSKA tournament. Alas it may have been the layoff that felled the Awesome Nation. For the form found in the regular season was lost come crunch time. An easy opening roundvictory made smiles abound. But what would follow could have crushed even the mightiest of gladiators in the Coliseum so many centuries ago. What would follow was a loss. Heartbreak. Awesome had lost. The team was done. No SKA cup. No names engraved. No beer drank from its sweet metallic rim (although Swoops did manage to ourbeer in it and drink from it).Superfoots. The name bears repeating. Superfoots. This team was handily defeated 12-4 in thevery first game of the year. Maybe itstayed with them, brewing like anunholy elixir ready to poison AWESOME rocks tables at KC’sAwesome. The team simply lookedflat. And Superfoots looked good?Well they kicked, they made clutch catches, and they took advantage of a vague, misinterpreted SKA rule regarding head shots. This of course is the infamous home plate miscall by the umpire. This catch was beauty, the relay sublime, and the tag perfect. But Don fucking Denkinger was presentthat day. Perhaps not in body, but in spirit. Number 2, yeah you know who you are, theman who cried foul. It hit him in the head, at least according to number 2 it did, and theump caved. Runs followed, so too did inept play, and finally the last out. No rally, no glorious comeback. Today, Awesome was shut down. With head hanging, theyretreated to the one thing that always make them winners, booze. As the day wore on and the pain subsided, at least somewhat, Awesome did what they do best, got drunk and annoyed the fuck out of almost everyone else aroundthem. Though slightly less wily and excitable than All-Star weekend, perhaps due to the day’s misfortunes, Awesome kept up a tradition of debauchery. Yes this team won something that day. They won the attention of the crowd by yelling callous chants atGotham as they proceeded to win another cup. The beloved Ghostrunners made a valiant effort as the green machine on the sidelines cheered them on. But a little more satisfaction was just out of reach. The season officially came to an end. Players partedas the pictures were taken and trophies handed out. Even kind words and salutations found their way back into the discourse as Deb and Dianne quelled the battered bodiesand souls of Awesome and Ghostrunners with fermented hops. But as players drankfrom the Blue Division trophy, a small token of a fine yet paradoxically disappointing season, the fire remained. Months will come to pass, as this season becomes only lorein the epic that is kickball. But do not believe for a second that this sport will not againencapsulate the lives of all those involved. Kickball will return, strategies, will be planned, heartbreak had, and joy realized. That one day in May will show up on thecalendar once again and Awesome will be waiting.

Dudes Fun Fact # 2

1939 was the year that Major League Baseball began showing games on T.V.

Bad Jams Artist Profile

By The Founder Dudes

These Dudes from Houston got together in

1969 and started rocking in 1970 with the release of

their first album, “First Album”. Their long beards

and fuzzy guitars are recognized everywhere and

are super SWEET! Billy Gibbons (axe) and Dusty

Hill (four stringer) are the two bearded Dudes and

Frank Beard (skins) is the beardless Dude. How

ironic. There are two theories on how they got their

name; it either came from the name of two brands

of rolling papers (Zig-Zag and Top) or it is a tribute

to blues legend Z.Z. Hill. BITCH! These Dudes put out too many sweet cuts and videos

to name them all, but they are probably best known for “Legs” and “Sharp Dressed

Man” (though this is certainly debatable). Their sweet videos are littered with killer riggs and smoking hot babes. Their brand of rock and roll appeals to all generations and demographics. If youare not down with them, you had better wake up andsmell the rock. So grab your “Cheap Sunglasses” andcheck these Dudes out on their upcoming tour (dateslisted below this article) because they truly are“Nationwide”. After you do the “Tube Snake Boogie” withyour best gal, she’ll say “Gimme All Your Lovin” and let you give her a “Pearl Necklace”. But remember Dudes, ifshe won’t do it maybe her sister will!

For more about ZZ Top and their upcoming tour check out: www.zztop.com and for one Top freak’s view check out Buzz’s ZZ Top Bonanza at http://user.intop.net/ ~pbusby/

ZZ TOP – 2005 Tour Dates and Venues:

JUNE

THU 2 – JACKSON, CA – Jackson Rancheria CasinoFRI 3 – OROVILLE, CA – Feather Falls CasinoSAT 4 – KELSEYVILLE, CA – Konocti Harbor AmphitheaterMON 6 – LIVERMORE, CA – Wente Vineyards TUE 7 – LAUGHLIN, NV – Flamingo Hilton LaughlinTHU 9 / 11 – LAS VEGAS, NV – Las Vegas HiltonSUN 12 – DEL MAR, CA – San Diego County FairTHU 16 – HINCKLEY, MN – Grand CasinoFRI 17 – WEST FARGO, ND – Red River Valley FairSAT 18 – BURLINGTON, IA – Burlington Steamboat DaysTHU 23 – ALBUQUERQUE, NM – Sandia CasinoFRI 24 – GRAND JUNCTION, CO – Country JamSAT 25 – GREELEY, CO – Rocky Mountain StampedeSUN 26 – MANHATTAN, KS – Country Stampede

JULY

FRI 8 – WALLINGFORD, CT – Oakdale TheatreSAT 9 – BIG FLATS, NY – Summer StageSUN 10 – QUEBEC CITY, CANADA – Quebec Summer FairTUE 12 – OTTAWA, ONT, CANADA – Festival PlazaFRI 15 – COMSTOCK, NE – 2^nd Wind Ranch SAT 16 – COLUMBIA, MO – University of MissouriSUN 17 – CADOT, WI – Chippewa ValleyTHU 21 – LONDON, ONT CANADA – Harris ParkFRI 22 – IONIA, MI – Ionia Free FairSAT 23 – SAULT STE. MARIE, MI – Kewadin CasinoSUN 24 – TWIN LAKES, WI – Country Thunder USAWED 27 – ST. CHARLES, MO – Family ArenaFRI 29 – ROBINSONVILLE, MS – Grand Casino TunicaSAT 30 – GULFPORT, MS – Grand Casino

AUGUST

TUE 2 – MERRILLVILLE, IN – Star PlazaFRI 5 – DAVENPORT, IA – Mississippi Valley FairSAT 6 – EVANSVILLE, IN – Roberts StadiumSUN 7 – COLUMBUS, OH – Ohio State FairWED 10 – READING, PA – Sovereign CenterTHU 11 – HAMBURG, NY – Erie County FairFRI 12 – GILFORD, NH – MeadowbrookSUN 14 – SAGINAW, MI – WILZ WheelzstockMON 15 – LEWISBURG, WV – State FairWED 17 – DETROIT, MI – Michigan State FairFRI 19 – DES MOINES, IA – Iowa State FairTUE 23 – TRENTON, NJ – Sovereign Bank ArenaTHU 25/26 – RAMA, ONT, CANADA – Rama CasinoSAT 27 – ROCHESTER, NY – Finger Lakes P.A.C.SUN 28 – SALISBURY, MD – Salisbury CCTUE 30 – AUGUSTA, ME – Civic CenterWED 31 – BUSHKILL, PA – Mountain Laurel Center

SEPTEMBER

SAT 10 – SPENCER, IA – Clay County FairSUN 11 – HUTCHINSON, KS – Kansas State Fair TUE 13 – MANKATO, MN – Midwest Wireless Civic CenterFRI 16 – OKLAHOMA CITY, OK – Zoo AmphitheaterSAT 17 – MIAMI, OK – Buffalo Run CasinoTUE 20 – CENTRAL POINT, OR – Lithia Motors AmphitheatreWED 21 – PUYALLUP, WA – Western Washington FairFRI 23 – SARATOGA, CA – Garden TheatreSAT 24 – RENO, NV – Reno HiltonSUN 25 – POMONA, CA – Los Angeles County FairWED 28 – BROOKS, CA – Cache Creek CasinoTHU 29 – SANTE YNEZ, CA – Chumash CasinoFRI 30 – ALPINE, CA – Viejas Casino

OCTOBER

SAT 1 – TUCSON, AZ – Anselmo Valencia AmphitheatreWED 5 – FRESNO, CA – Big Fresno Fair

ADDITIONAL OCTOBER AND NOVEMBER DATES TO BE ANNOUNCED

Stay tuned to zztop.com...

Forever Stronger Than All

“A Tribute To Dimebag Darrell”By Captain All Night

Wednesday, December 8^th, 2004, the Damageplan tour bus rolled into Columbus,Ohio for yet another blistering display of metal gods on Earth. The freezingtemperatures and cold rain were not enough to prevent the thousands of fans frompacking into the small Columbus venue. From my own personal experience of Panterashows over the years, I can only assume that crowd’s anticipation was growing by thesecond as they waited out the opening acts brave enough to share the stage with the likes of Dimebag Darrell and Vinnie Paul Abbott. Finally the moment arrived; Dime,Vinnie, and the rest of the Damageplan crew hit the stage. The crowd erupts in unison,knowing they were about to see something unlike anything they had seen before. Just like any great metal show, the crowd’s onstage participation was welcome, except onthis cold December night, the Abbott brothers’ willingnessto be one with the crowd ended in tragedy. Gun shots rang out as what I heard at least 20news journalists refer to as a “die-hard Pantera fan”walked behind Dimebag Darrell and repeatedly shot himfrom point-blank range in the head. Following the murderof the guitar legend, this so-called “die-hard Panterafan” (I refuse to show him the respect of mentioning hisname) opened fire on the Damageplan crew and crowd,before he himself was gunned down by a police officer atthe show. The following morning, a very close friend ofmine had to gather up the courage to break the news to me. He told me the story you just read in much simpler DIME (1966-2004) terms. What he didn’t realize is that he was telling methat my soul had just been robbed of something veryprecious.

As selfish as it sounds, I could only think about what I had lost. I lost one of the most powerful and inspiring people to ever enter my life. Dime played the way he lived,pedal to the metal, and as cliché as it sounds, Dimebag along with Pantera, changed mylife. The “Vulgar Display of Power” album transformed me from being a 13 year-old mullet-wearing, completely lost hoosier kid from the dirtier parts of south St. Louis Cityinto … well let’s face it, a 14 year-old short-haired, completely lost hoosier kid now livingbetween Lemay and Affton. However, for the first time in my whole life, I felt like I was a part of something. A unifying movement that dared to tell the whole world to fuck off if they disagreed with how I felt, or how I lived. Every single time I heard those earth-shattering guitar riffs, I felt a little lost. I felt unsure of where I was going, but I knew Iwas going to get there as long as I kept following what was in my heart and in my mind,which is straight out of the book that Dime preached from.

A couple of weeks ago I heard something that Dime said in one of his last interviews with Headbanger’s Ball. Whoever it was doing the interview must havecaught Dime right before he was about to go on stage. Being the nice guy that Dimewas, he granted the interview anyway. The last thing he said in that interview will repeatitself in my head as long as I live: “Right now I have to go out there (on stage) and dowhat I was put on Earth to do, and that’s kick your fucking ass!” I realize to many of youthis may seem very over the top, but there was no way I could let my hero, myinspirational leader, my brother move onto the next world without saying my peace. If you’re wondering where I get off referring to Dime as my brother, when I’ve never been any closer than 10 feet away from the Guitar God himself, my answer is very simple: If you’re a true fan of “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott, than you are his family! I hope Darrellknows he will live forever in our hearts, and I along with many other brothers and sistersleft behind will continue to grind that axe forever.

Dudes Fun Fact # 4

Helene Britton was the first female to own a Major League Baseball team. She owned the St. Louis Cardinals from 1911-1918.

Dudes Dives

By Lil’ Deryl

Well, it’s Issue 6 and yours truly is prepared to take you, the reader Dude, intothe depths of the dankest watering holes in Saint Louis. I speak, of course, of DudesDives. In this Issue we will explore another South Side pub, fill you in on the passing ofa hollowed lounge, and finally venture into an area ripe for Dudely drinking, Lemay. So grab a sawbuck, a Birdnals cap, and your car keys (unless your name is Bebop, in whichcase let another Dude do the driving), and head to these hot spots.

Ish 6 Main Event:

“Rockin’ Stuff Again”

Here’s the deal: Dudes aren’t rockin’ stuff as mush as they used to. The Dudes MagStaff is no exception. But at least we can admit it. If you recall, Mr. Rin Tin Tin wrote a piece on this travesty in Issue 5 called “Rockin’ Stuff: A Feetin’ Art?”. Sure, all Dudeswere rockin’ the shit outta some stuff back in the Summer of 2003, but that had a lot to do with the Cover Story for Issue 2. “Rockin’ Stuff” was a big hit. It’s just a shame howwe went from that high to this low. So, hopefully this Main Event will get Dudes rockin’ stuff again.

Dad rocks a popcorn can Big Ern rocks Dad’s couch

Nighthawk, Lonewolf, and Fat Fat rock a cannon at

The Alamo

Mr. Rin Tin Tin, Nighthawk,and Tallman rock a box of TUMS at the G.T. & the D.

Concert

Nighthawk, Dad, D-Bomb, andMr. Rin Tin Tin get their rock on at the St. Patrick’s Day parade in downtown STL

Mr. Rin Tin Tin rocks alone at KC’s Bar & Grill

Nighthawk rocks a curb Dudes rock a chair in Austin, TX

Nighthawk rocks on top of Dad rocks in Memphis withK and Z’s big screen TV Elvis

Nighthawk, Lonewolf, and Nighthawk rocks D-Bomb’s Bebop rock a boat coffee table

Fat Fat, Nighthawk, Lonewolf, Dudes rock a cooler on March 17 and Rufus rock some rocks near

Corpus Christi, TX

Lonewolf and Fat Fat rock a Bebop rocks the beach fountain in San Antone, TX in Venice, Italy