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Nighthawk

Bad Jam Artist Proﬁle Boneyard Boob Tube Dudes Crossword Puzzle October 16, 2004 Dudely Dude Proﬁle Dudes ‘Views Dudes Wears Dudes Word Scramble Shitbag Actor O’ the Month

Lonewolf

Dudes Babes Dudes Son-of-Obitchuary

Root

Dudes Outdoors

Co’ Slaw

Dudes Book Reviews Dudes Revenge Tactics

Big Time

Big Time Quote O’ the Month

Dr. E. W.

Dudes In General

Big Al

Dudes In General

Amika

Dudes Animals

Mr. Rin Tin Tin

Dear Dude Dudes Horoscope Dudes In General Dudes Jaunts What Would You Do, Dude?

8Bit

8Bit Sounds Off Dudes 8Bit Dudes Foods

Morty Munson

Dudes Foods

Lil’ Deryl

Dudes Dives Dudes In General

Cable Monster

Cable Tales

L-Vis

Dudes In General

J-Man

Dudes Drawings

Big Time Jr.

Dudes Digs

Skitty

Friends ‘Til the Rear End

D-Bomb

Dudes Drunk Meter Name That Dude Schucker Do’s & Dont’s Take That!

Anchor

Dad Goes Off! Dudes Sports

S-Squared

Dudes In General From Dude to Dud

Dave-O

Dudes Drinks

Ran-Man

Dudes In General Dudes Photos

Reverend Norb

Dudes Riggs

Lars

Dudes In General

Dirty Mick

Dudes In General

N8-Dawg

Mag Layout

The Windy-Mr. Rin Tin TIn Lone Star State-Lonewolf

Titletown, U.S.A. Reverend Norb

Eastern Midwest

Big Time Jr. The Motherland Dr. E. W.

Razorback Counry-Root

Lonewolf has stepped down as S-Town Street Team, and now heads the Lone Star State Street Team as a result of his movin’ to San Antonio in August of this year.

Lars, Lonewolf’s little bro, and Biff-Man have taken over as S-Town Street Team.

Dr. E.W. has once again assumed the position... the position of the Motherland Street Team.

On August 11, 2004, Nighthawk visited S-Town for the 25th time in 5 years(all Lonewolfrelated visits). He was helpin’ Lonewolf move

Nighthwak and Loneworlf in front of out of his Lonewolf Estates in S-Town digs there to move into his and his wife’s new digs in San Antonio. CONGRATULATIONS NIGHTHAWK!!!

Johnny Ramone died from prostate cancer on September 15, 2004 at his home in Los Angeles, CA. He was 55 and will be dearly missed by all.

My Two Moms released their album Coming In Ten Years at the home of J-Squared on October 16, 2004.

Also on October 16, 2004, some stupid asshole stole Nighthawk’s leather jacket. Inside the jacket were his license, bank card, keys, smokes, lighter, disposie, and about $50 in cash. Attention Dudes: If you see anyone wearin’ a NIGHTHAWK leather, beat his ass immediately and get the jacket back to the Hawk.

S-Squared’s new nickname is Sergeant Soda. This is based on the fact that he drinks soda when other Dudes are over to hang wit’ him and are drinkin’ Adulders. He consumes more soda than any other Dude ever.

D-Bomb now says “Doubt” instead of “Doubt It”.

On October 31, 2004, while cruisin’ up the Double Nickel northbound, rapper Murphy Lee was Hemmed Up by a sheriff’s deputy in Sainte Genevieve County, MO for expired plates. He

Sergeant Soda

will appear in court on December 22 on charges of misdemeanor marijuana possession and drivin’ under the inﬂuence of drugs. DON’T LET THE MAN HOLD YOU DOWN MURPHY!

As of November 18, 2004, L-Vis will no longer be doin’ Dudes Rekkids. This is ofﬁcial and on the record.

On November 19, 2004, Nighthawk ofﬁcially started drinkin’ Pepsi again. It was at the circus, and witnessed by D-Bomb’s old lady, that it all went down.

Once again, on December21-the ﬁrst day of

Enough Reasons to Hate the Boston Red Sox

By Big Al

(Editor’s Note: Editor likes the Red Sox and thinks they are a good team and does not agree wit’ this list.)

All those damn hippie haircuts. I hear in the off season they all live in a commune in Vermont and grow organic peas together.
Cubs fans know their place. Cubs fans are smarter than they are given credit for. They know their team sucks and will go to what seem to outsiders as stupid lengths to keep their team down. They are actually quite savvy and know their place is at the bottom. Bostonʼs fans should have taken a page out of Steve Bartmanʼs playbook.
The American League is bunk! The Red Sox play in a league that does not actually play baseball at all, but one of its feminine offspring where the pitchers donʼt bat and the strike zone is equivalent the broad side of a barn. Iʼm surprised they donʼt throw underhanded.
Red Sox-Yankees is the worst story in sports. Both these teams suck, I would rather watch NASCAR witʼ a pack oʼ yodelinʼ Georgians than hear thirty seconds of any Yankees-Red Sox story.
In Boston, they have tea parties and tea parties are BUNK! The rest of the world parties witʼ Bud Heavies.

Authentic Hate Mail from Big Al

In The Army

By Dirty Mick

Once upon a time, a dumb-ass kid decided that he wanted to jump out of airplanes and play wit’ guns and explosives for a livin’. It took four years of college ROTC classes, the national advanced leadership course, Airborne school, and ﬁve months of Ofﬁcer Basic Course in fuckin’ Hell Paso(not a typo), Texas, and here this Dude sits today at FT. Bragg, North Carolina headin’ a platoon in the 82 nd Airborne Division. This is probably goin’ to end up seemin’ like more of a rant than an article, but this Dude has some shit to say ‘bout what it’s like workin’ for Uncle Scam(not a typo either)!

FT. Bragg sits in Fayetteville, NC, or Fayettnam as so many tend to call it ‘cause of its ungodly population of active and retired military personnel. It’s probably the bunkest town this Dude has ever been in, and I would rather be swimmin’ wit’ my mouth open through River Des Peres(man-made sewer drainage ditch in Saint Louis) than live in this shit heap any longer. I’ve been down here for 3 months and have command of a platoon of Avengers(a truck wit’ 8 stinger missiles on top of it) and have 12 soldiers in my platoon. They actually put me in charge of 12 other Dudes and millions and millions of dollars worth of equipment! Me, the same asshole that fell off a fuckin’ deck, ass-naked and shattered his wrist!

It’s hard to ﬁnd cool Dudes down here that know how to party and have a good time. Most don’t think that gettin’ wiped slick is a good idea, and if you tea bag a Dude that’s partied-out, it’s grounds for him to come after you with a fuckin’ gun. We have a thing in the 82nd called Division Ready Force One Cycle, which means you have to be able to deploy to anywhere in the world within 18 hours. That’s bunk as all hell, ‘cause you can’t go anywhere 50 miles outside of post when you’re on this cycle. If you get “the phone call”, you won’t be able to go see your family or friends before you leave, and worst of all, you’re not supposed to drink for a fuckin’ month. The whirleybird down here is almost non-existent! It’s almost impossible to get taint deep down here wit’ a good fuckin’ girl that doesn’t have kids or is married to a guy in Special Forces that will kill you. I’ve seen some nasty swamp donkeys in the bars down here that this Dude wouldn’t fuck with Nighthawk’s dick and Lone-wolf pushin’. We get told a new rumor every week ‘bout when and where we’ll be deployed. They told me a couple weeks ago that we’re not goin’ anywhere, but they issued me body armor, a new helmet, an assault pack, and I’m get-tin’ desert uniforms this next week. Yeah, right, we’re not fuckin’ goin’ anywhere. What the hell do I need body armor and desert uniforms for if we’re not goin’ anywhere? Then they came back and said well, uh, yeah, you’re probably goin’ somewhere. Well, no shit asshole! The most consistent thing I’ve heard is that we’re goin’ to Iraq, probably Fallujah or Baghdad, and will probably be there sometime in the next 4 months.

Some cool shit ‘bout this place is that we jump out of airplanes on a pretty regular basis, and I get an extra 150 bucks a month for it. I made a jump at night at 800 feet and almost went into some fuckin’ trees. They also let me play wit’ all kinds of cool shit, like grenade launchers, missiles, assault riﬂes, pistols, and the best equipment available. Although most of the Dudes down here are bunk, there are a few Dudes worthy of drinkin’ wit’, and that’s what most of my weekends consist of. Gettin’ crunked as all hell. I even met one hot whirleybird that I’ve been hangin’ out wit’ that’s also a 2nd Lieutenant. Only problem is that she’s bein’ deployed in a few days to Iraq for a fuckin’ year. This is what it’s like workin’ for Uncle Scam. Although this Dude complains ‘bout it, I still love it and can’t think of too many things I’d rather be doin’. This Dude won’t be comin’ back to the STL for Thanksgiving or Christmas; I may actually be headin’ over to The Sandbox by Christmas. So all you Dudes out there go down to Nick’s on a Thursday and have a few pints for me. Other than that, keep rockin’ till next time. You win some, you lose a lot. Life sucks...get a fuckin’ helmet! -CASEY-

Collars Up, Thumbs Down

By S-Squared

It all started on an early summer night in Boston after watchin’ a fuckin’ eleven strikeout performance by Pedro Martinez. We were walkin’

to The T to get back to

our car, when I noticed a bunch of fellas wit’ their

collars up. I thought it was

just one group of guys

jokin’ ‘round after getting’

loaded while watchin’ a

Sox victory.

Once we were on the train,

I noticed several other

guys wit’ their collars

up throughout the entire train, destroyin’ my previous theory. I asked my cousin, an East Coast resident, what the fuck? He said it was the newest thing goin’ on up there. All the rich ass-wads and mommy’s little men were doin’ it. I laughed and thought that would never get across the Mighty Mississippi.

Upon my return home I slowly noticed more and more little douchebags wit’ their collars in the air like they just didn’t care. But I care, damnit! This is an outrage, 1985 ended nineteen years ago and so did ﬂippin’ your collar up. What is the deal? Do you think you are Don Johnson or a member of Menudo? ‘Cause that is what I think when I see you little bitches walkin’ ‘round wit’ your collars up.

No Dude would ever pull this bunk move right? Wrong! Collars up has even managed to inﬁltrate the Immediate Circle of Dudes. Not to name names or anything, but I am gonna name names. Brad Jokerst and Justin B. have both been spotted wit’ their collars up. This

is insane. Let these(former) Dudes(in my mind) know they are walkin’ down the wrong path wit’ this bitch move. I mean it is almost as bad as enterin’ yourself in an online datin’ contest.

Whenever you see someone wit’ their collar up, please do everything you can to make sure they never ever try to raise that collar again. Tell them their collar is up, heckle the shit out of him, take the initiative to walk right up to that son of a bitch and put the collar down yourself. I tried to do this to Beardslee once, only to have him push me away and raise his collar again like it was some huge victory. No Dude has ever had his collar up, nor will he ever.

The Battle for Douchebag Island

By Ran-Man

There’s a great war ragin’ these days and I’m not talkin’ ‘bout the shit goin’ on in the Middle East. This war is far worse, as it’s pittin’ neighbor against neighbor, and possibly tearin’ entire subdivisions apart. Combatants are comin’ out in force to ﬁght The Great War of the Ribbons. Any small drive through town and a Dude quickly becomes conscious to the horriﬁc effects of this fuckin’ battle. Startin’ sometime ‘round early Summer ’04, the ﬁrst strikes were sincere and well intended. Dudes and whirleybirds wantin’ to show their appreciation for the bravery of our troops overseas(many of whom

are friends and family) would purchase yellow magnetic ribbons wit’ the inscription “Support Our Troops” and afﬁx them to their riggs. The money from these purchases goin’, somehow I assume, to help our soldiers. A worthy cause indeed, but what happened next was one of the most shameless and horriﬁc acts ever witnessed by this Dude.

Suddenly, different variations of the ribbons were showin’ up. American ﬂag ribbons(in multiple conﬁgura

tions), camouﬂaged ribbons, and then the other themes hit wit’ a vengeance. POW/MIA ribbons, breast cancer ribbons, and even St. Louis Cardinals ribbons were all over town. Now hold the fuck up, one might say, as these are all worthy causes. Why go off on people wantin’ to show their support? The ribbons are not the problem, as they are all great causes, but rather the Nothingheads who try to be better than their fellow commuters by collectin’ all the many variations of these ribbons and coverin’ their entire rigg, thus provin’ to all that they are the best. These people are the real problem. They sought out different ribbons better than anyone else. They found that rare orange one that supports diabetes, or the limited edition ﬂag one that has the stars outlined in gold. Shit, that fucker was hard to ﬁnd. They don’t even give a shit ‘bout the actual cause, rather the more important cause, which is to collect the whole fuckin’ set of ‘em and make sure every motherfucker on the goddamn road fuckin’ knows it. You’ve got rich douchebags provin’ that they can buy more than you can, or the fuckin’ hens who also stick on the tear-out center of the ribbon ‘cause it makes a cute little heart wit’ some kind of stupid sayin’. Stick that shit on your fridge if you love it that much. I’m anticipatin’ the next new batch to come through soon so assholes everywhere will be able to increase their collection and one-up the Joneses.

Support drivin’ the biggest fuckin’ SUV you can buy to drive your Prostitot to school in, support tellin’ the homeless to go fuck themselves and to get real jobs even though your job fell into your lap through family connections, support hypocrites against drug users(Rush Limbaugh), support research for some disease you gave two shits ‘bout ‘til it happened to you, support anything else you didn’t think was cool ‘til you say Johnny Two-Face plaster it all over his fuckin’ rigg. So, FUCK YOU Ribbon Warrior! You may have won the battle against your fellow commuters, but you’ve made us lose hope for humanity!

Gettin’ Real

By L-Vis

Yo Dudes,

There’s some bunk potatoes in the stew.

DUDES: GET REAL.

How often are YOU the punchline of YOUR own joke, Dudely reader? Do you think you look cool? Cause you don’t ! ! Remember: Dudes are weirdoes, and non-Dudes are even bigger

weirdoes, but there is no way to achieve total awesomeness unless you cast out those desires for coolness and get hip to reality. Dudes, you must learn that excellence doesn’t come from a fairy under your brown-tinted pillow. Be a jerk, Dudes! BE BIG JERKS!! IT’S FUCKIN’ FUN AS SHIT. People are cool wit’ it, they are jerks and deal wit’ jerks all the time, and the more you are a jerk the more you’re fuckin’ them before they fuck you!

Tell ‘em you don’t like ‘em, call ‘em when they’re at the Salt Mines and tell ‘em work sucks and you’re out drinkin’. Then when you’re at work, call ‘em and tell ‘em you’re not and you never will be again. Hit on non-Dudes’ girlfriends, tie shoelaces together from opposite shoes, steal martinis, make drunk phone calls, and punch people! Hoodwink ‘em!!!

They can’t tell if you’re bein’ serious or not, so just pretend you are. If you lay some cable, tip the Cable Monster, and when you score, say things like “kickass!” and “radical!” Don’t just call names; that can get a Dude in a spit of trouble if you mix anything up. And put on some bad jams, like N.W.A. or Chuck Berry. Treat your whirleybird to a sonic adventure as well as a physical one.

Just remember: you got nothin’, you make stupid faces when you watch the boob tube, and you look DUMB! You’re not cool! But I love you anyway, you silly little DUDES! Pound one for me at the bars, and if you see me out, buy me a shot. I’m L-Vis, and I am drinkin’ MD20/20 Kiwi-Lemon right nooowwowjfkewjﬂkmf,vmd!

I AM THE EVIL BRAIN PARASITE JARTRON AND I HAVE JUST EATEN L-VIS’S BRAIN!!!! NOW I CONTROL HIS THOUGHTS AND HIS ACTIONS AND I WANT TO LET YOU ALL KNOW THAT WE WILL BE COMING FOR YOU IN THE MONTHS TO COME, SLOWLY TAKING OVER YOUR BRAINS AND FEEDING THEM TO GERBILS. YOUR BODIES WILL THEN BE SHIPPED BACK TO OUR HOME PLANET OF SHITTRON AND USED FOR LABOR TO BUILD A NEW FLEET OF MERCENERY SPACECRAFT. FUCK YOU.

L-VIS.

A Fair and Balanced Satire of The 2004 Election

By Lil’ Deryl

(Editor’s Note: publication of this particular article does not necessarily mean that this magazine is gonna become a poitical one)

2004 brought us yet another memorable election season. Actually, it all began last year as the Democratic party decided whom it would choose to botch a sure election victory. A victory seemingly so achievable that an out-oftouch “liberal” like John Kerry could even win. Oh wait, he lost didn’t he? That brings us to the election’s home-stretch. After an all-out primary assault, the most electable(not a word) candidate won. Apparently, electability(not a word, either) trumped other less-important characteristics like integrity, diplomatic skills, creative thought, etc. Alas, even this most coveted of traits failed JK. Honestly, if they can’t beat George W., the left has serious fuckin’ problems. But I will refrain from any slander towards our fair(typo) President. He obviously represents the masses of this country who now either think gay marriage bans are most crucial to America’s survival, or haven’t paid too close attention to the minor dust-up in the Middle East. Either way, this journalist/patriotic American will now practice a good amount of self-censorship so as to not place at risk the good name of Dudes Mag and its numerous worldwide correspondents. At least the left has 4 years to sort out its next candidate. I hear the Hillary ’08 campaign is wastin’ no time. It’s already airin’ ads for the Senator in the all-important battleground states that will continue ad nauseam ‘til November 2008.

Speakin’ of battleground states, the race is also heatin’ up for the title of most over-exposed state. After surrenderin’ its 20 electoral votes to Kerry too easily, you can bet on Pennsylvania to work hard at partisanization(is that a word?) and voter fraud conspiracies. That way, all the nation can examine those ultra-detailed, countyby-county maps that mesmerized the electorate in ’04. Florida and Ohio are still in the runnin’, but I predict dark horse Missouri will make it a race. It’s just the kind of ﬂy-over state the media needs to over-emphasize to convince everyone that their vote actually matters. Just what the Show-Me State needs is more T.V. advertisin’ to convince the “swing voters”(who are these fuckin’ dolts!?!) who to vote for. I guess the battleground isn’t the minds of the electorate, just their attention spans. But I digress.

Now, wit’ so long to wait ‘til the next barrage of spin tactics, ur...I mean, intelligent, issues-oriented debate, let’s remember some of the fond memories from this recently deceased election season. St. Louisans realized that bein’ an isolated left-wing island in a sea of backwoods Matt Blunt(Republican douchebag who is soon-to-be Governor of Missouri) supporters rekindled the desire to be annexed by neighborin’ state Illinois. Then again, who wouldn’t want to be part of the excitin’ world of Illinois politics? A black Republican(yes, apparently they exist) who doesn’t even live in the state, runs for Senate, another candidate is bedeviled by his backers for makin’ his hot Hollywood wife go to sex clubs wit’ him, and of course, the epic Karmeier-Maag race. The latter is surely a sign of functional politics in America. Two JUDGES engulfed an entire region(St. Louis included) wit’ easily the most creative ad blitz in political history(i.e. Maag’s gem depictin’ a Floatin’ Karmeier head, ﬂyin’ money, and a cameo by the ‘Stos Industry). The system works.

Rockin’ Stuff: A Fleetin’ Art?

By Mr. Rin Tin Tin

Have any other of you Dudes out there noticed a sharp decline in the amount of rockin’ takin’ place? Just look ‘round yourself; do you see

stuff bein’ rocked like it should? Maybe others are to blame, maybe you yourself are to blame(I know I haven’t been rockin’ as much as I should). However, whoever is to blame is not important, what is

important is that more Dudes once again plant their hoof on some stuff. I can’t even remember the last time I saw a Tin Man rocked(a breath-takin’ rock), though I have been ‘round quite a few barrels lately. Coolers, sofas, riggs, planters, and countless other things have been under-rocked for the last few months and I for one am tired of it. Just think back to the glory days of rockin’ stuff wit’ the release of Issue 2, that was one bitchin’ cover story which was as fun to make as it was to read. Just ‘cause we are not makin’ another story ‘bout rockin’ stuff at the moment, does not mean that stuff should go unrocked. So Dudes, join together wit’ me to bring rockin’ stuff back to glory. Is there anything sweeter than seein’ a Dude wit’ one elevated hoof planted on some stuff? I don’t think so. We need to stop ﬁghtin’ what comes natural to us as Dudes and rock the shit out of stuff as much as possible. It is for our own good.

The Doctor Prescribes...

By Dr. E.W.

Privyet Dudes, kak zhizen? Well Dudes, I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you a bit ‘bout one of my favorite activities here in the Motherland. Typically, on the weekends we go out into the city on Friday and Saturday nights for some serious debauchery. But goin’ out means we most likely are forced to stay out ‘til 7 a.m. since our dormitory is locked between the hours of 1

a.m.: and 7
a.m.: Sometimes you are able to get in earlier if there is a friendly guard on duty, and you make arrangements wit’ him beforehand. But the Chechen guards usually demand money if they are on duty.

Anyway, after a long vodka infused weekend, what can a Dude do wit’ his Sunday since he certainly can’t lie on the couch and watch football on the tube? Well, we have found a nice way to spend our Sunday evenings after sleepin’ through most of the day. Every Sunday, 10 to 20 Dudes and tiny taints head to the Banya for some serious relaxation. For those of you that don’t know, a banya is like a Russian sauna. So, you go swurt for a bit, then jump into a cold pool for a couple of minutes. Then you have some cold ones while you hang out and watch the tube, listen to bad jams, get your sing on wit’ the karaoke, or play Russian billiards. At the particular banya we frequent, there are even two rooms wit’ full size beds if you feel like get-tin’ taint deep. But the best part of the banya is gettin’ hit wit’ the vyeniki. Vyeniki are Birch tree branches that are soaked in water and used for hittin’ other Dudes. Usually, you lie down on a bench and another Dude will beat you ‘bout the back, chest, arms, and legs. When you get hit, you absorb the natural oils in the leaves, and after the beatin’, you feel like you’ve just Jeffed. I strongly advise to get your beatin’ early, before most of the leaves are ripped off, ‘cause you get more cuts and you don’t get that great Dudes Earth feelin’.

All in all, the banya is a must for any Dude who ﬁnds himself in the Motherland. I strongly recommend rentin’ a private banya, like the type I frequent, ‘cause they are cleaner. In the private ones, you can bring along 16’ers and you don’t have to see gross naked old people. Wit’ 10 Dudes, a trip to a good banya would run ‘bout 6 greenbacks for each Dude, for 2 hours in the banya. I would also like to add that I have met the Japanese Nighthawk here in St. Petersburg; he told me short shorts are way in in Japan right now. Also, I will be in the Lou from December 24, 2004 to January 9, 2005, so be ready Dudes. Pahka, e oovidyemsya!

Dudes in the Dorms

By Lars

I know what you’re thinkin’ Dudes: Dudes don’t go to college. Real Dudes focus on poundin’ Heavies, poundin’ gash, and gettin’ mad lifted. These are Dudes Priorities. But all three still get accomplished by Biff Mann and myself at SMSU. The major setback is livin’ in the dorms. BUNK! It does truly suck livin’ in this fuckin’ jail cell. The rooms are tiny, my roommates are all major bunk, and you can’t party like Dudes inside these dorms. They have these fuckers called R.A.’s(or as me and Biff call them, “Clipboards”) that try to bust you all the time. So what are two Dudes to do? I’ll tell you.

Myself and Biff have found some very effective ways of havin’ fun in these truly bunk dormitories:

After a night full of drinkin’, take a piss in the elevator to mark your territory.
After a night full of drinkin’, go to the “quiet ﬂoor” and bang on everybody’s door at 3 A.M.
Go to my room real late and crank up the bad

jams to piss off my douchebag roommates.

Go to Biff’s room and burn Dudes Earth in the “no-smoking building”.
Go to my room and piss on the coffee table or any other furniture available to wake up to the pleasant sounds of my douchebag roommates cleanin’ it up – Served!
When leavin’ for the night, put your tunes up lous and on repeat. Lock your door and go! Douchebag roommates love it!

These are all effective ways of revoltin’ these truly bunk livin’ accommodations. You only have to live there for one year, but it still blows. If you have never had to stay in these rat cages, you’re lucky. It sucks.

WE GOT A BEER MACHINE

By L-Vis

Dear Dudes,

I am writin’ this article to say that we have a beer machine in our kitchen now. I live at the Roadhouse. It is a rockin’ house of good fun times, and many a rock and roll set and show have been practiced and played here. Well, now we got this machine wit’ a selection of beer, a dollar a piece, but it only takes quarters so if you come over don’t bring any one dollar bills. Don’t even bring any for any reason, even if you want to nosh some vittles later, just ‘cause. Spend only quarters that day, and pay for things like your’e all mad.

There’s one slot that’s just got a drink glass with a robot inside it, instead of a beer. I don’t know what comes out if you press the button for it, but maybe you could come over and see! It might be zany! Now get down on the ﬂoor and gimme 20, unless you are readin’ this article while on the john, and then you are fuckin’ cool. In fact, if you’re not readin’ this while layin’ ssucker. ‘Cause you could be feelin’ sweet.

P.S. We got Bud Heavies in it, PBR, Colt 45, and Coca Cola Classic. -L-Vis

Ten Reasons Mongolia Is a Dudes Haven

By Mr. Rin Tin Tin

Mongolian Dudes get Housed all day everyday on vodka, beer, or fermented horse’s milk.

There are smokin’ hot dames in the capitol, Ulan Bataar.

Unspoiled Dudes Outdoors.
It is super-easy on the W.
Every Dude has a horse(or multiple).
Dudes live in gers(like round tents) so you don’t have to pay bills, taxes, etc.
Dudes are nomadic, so if your neighbors are D-bags, you can just pick up and move.
Dudes love wrestlin’.
Dudes slaughter and cook their own meat!
Dudes are disconnected from the bullshit of modern society.

Dudes Fun Fact # 1

(Courtesy of Big Al)

CHICAGO is derived from the Native American word chickagoo, meaning “smelly river”. This is what the Native Americans thought of the land that would later become home to the crappiest team in Major League Baseball. Those Injuns were smart Injuns!

Here we are, ridin’ out the last days of Autumn and gettin’ ready to jump headﬁrst into Winter. And we all know what this means. Besides the Anchor gettin’ ready to be called Midwest System ‘til the First Day of Spring, all Dudes must have their winter wears ready to go. This means your Thermies and Sweaties(like we’ve covered in previous Issues). But also, have your Denim ready to help you ﬁght off Old Man Winter and his pal Jack Frost.

These two are some mean SonsABitches. Your ﬁrst layer, of course, would be the Thermies. Then, Sweaties on top of the Thermies. If it’s a real mean one out there, this is where Denim comes into play. Of course, you could just go with Denim over the Thermies and be done with it. It all depends on how you wanna play it. Do you wanna cruise the hood in Sweaties or Denim? This is a question all Dudes must answer this Winter. I personally like to switch it up. If I didn’t want change, I’d be a Republican. But now why would I ever do a silly thing like join up with the Elephant Party? Back to the point of this article. When you talk Denim, you’re talkin’ Dudes Blues and Dudes Blacks. You’re also talkin’ Dudes Denim Jackets. The Denim Jacket is a must in my book. It goes great over a Hooded Sweaty top. The main point of this article is the Dudes Blues and Dudes Blacks portion of the Wide World of Denim.

Whether you prefer Dudes Blues or Dudes Blacks, you’ve gotta know what the numbers on the back label of the jeans mean. Now, you might be wonderin’, is Nighthawk implyin’ that the only Denim a Dude should wear is Levi’s? Why else would he write ‘bout the “numbers on the back label”? Sure, some other Denim companies place a label on the pants that explain to Dudes what the waste and length size of that particular pair are, but not all of the companies do. In addition, not all labels on Dudes Blues or Blacks even tell you anything except what brand you have purchased. Talk ‘bout useless information! So yes, I am implyin’ that the only Denim a Dude should wear is Levi’s. While this is not a marketin’ ploy, I wouldn’t refuse money from Levi Strauss & Co. for cheap plugs like this one. Now then, with all that said(er, typed), I will give you 2 reasons why Levi’s is best. 1-They are the most comfortable jeans out there, and trust me, I’ve tried ‘em all. Wrangler does put out some good lines and pulls in there at a close second place in the race. 2-Levi’s offers more styles than any other company. All Dudes have different tastes in everything, even jeans. This is where the “numbers” on the back label come into play. Sure, waste size and length are listed on a Levi’s label, but there’s another number on that label. Turn around and check it out. Just don’t brake your neck doin’ so. That other number is a style number. It tells you what kind of ﬁt that particular pair has and gives you an idea of how they will wear. And by that, I mean how the jeans will hang off your frame. Let’s take a look at these numbers.

Levi’s 501 - Original Fit Levi’s 505 - Regular Fit Levi’s 512 - Slim Fit Levi’s 517 - Boot Cut Levi’s 527 - Low Rise Boot Cut Levi’s 529 - Low Rise Straight Levi’s 550 - Relaxed Fit Levi’s 560 - Comfort Fit Levi’s 567 - Low Loose Boot Levi’s 569 - Loose Straight Levi’s 599 - Giant Fit

This list is all the Red Tab Levi’s Jeans. Red Tab is the original line of Levi’s. The other line of Levi’s is SILVERTAB. SILVERTAB is responsible for Carpenter pants(which should only be worn if you are, in fact, a carpenter), Baggy jeans, and Low & Loose jeans. In short, SILVERTAB is BUNK! Stick wit’ Red Tab! As far as the Red Tab jeans go, what Dude is gonna wear Low Rise, whether it’s Boot Cut or Straight? Stay away from 527 and 529. My personal favorite, 505. Pick yours.

If you’re a big Dude, 550 and 560 come in Big & Tall. So you big Dudes are set. I think Giant Fit 599 would work, too. Also, if you wanna go for that Metrosexual look, go wit’ a Button Fly over a Zipper. Dudes, you’ve also gotta decide if you like the darker blue or the lighter blue. Furthermore, if you like the lighter blue, do you wanna really go nuts and and go wit’ a Stonewash pair of Dudes Blues? Excellent! If you prefer the darker blue, you have the option to go wit’ an Indigo wash. And of course, there’s always Dudes Blacks or Dudes Whites. I like the lighter blue. In addition to all of this, you also have to decide whether you want to pick up a Denim shirt. What a great look! So, pick the number and color, and get set for Winter. Nighthawk signin’ off!

Dave Brame Knows Denim

When I hear the name Tom Hanks, one thing instantly comes to mind, Kip ‘Buffy’ Wilson, the name of the character Hanks played on the 1980 television show Bosom Buddies. For those of you who do not remember this sitcom gem, it’s ‘bout two advertisin’ designers who

have a problem ﬁndin’ a place to live.

A female friend suggests they stay at her building, but the snag is that the place is for women only. In desperation, they assume the identities of women Hildegard and Buffy in order to rent a room.

Most would ask how can things get any better for this up and comin’ young talent. I will tell you how. By playin’ the alcoholic Uncle Ned Donnelly in three episodes of Family Ties in 1983 and ’84. Uncle Ned seems to always be on the run from someone. So, why not drop in for three unforgettable episodes of Family Ties? Ned is a total booze hound who is so hard-up for a drink that he chugs a big bottle of vanilla extract, ‘cause it contains alcohol. Awesome!

Hanks also had guest spots on other television shows such as The Love Boat, Happy Days, Taxi, Tales from the Crypt, and he hosted SNL eight times. There was no way the boob tube could contain this risin’ star forever. It was only a matter of time before he would hit the silver screen.

Hollywood was rocked at the arrival of Hanks in the 1984 hit Splash. Hanks played Allen Bauer, a Dude who stumbles across a hot mermaid played by Daryl Hannah. He has to save her from a bunch of ass-wad scientists who want to experiment on her, and I for one do not blame them. In the end, Hanks says adios to his world and lives under the sea with his new and always topless babe.

Gentlemen, start your boners! In 1984, Hanks blew Splash out of the water wit’ Bachelor Party. The title says it all. Beer, porn(although edited by a nosey broad), hookers, drugs, and a dead horse! Fuckin’ Rad! Whenever you have to lose a Dude to marriage, this is the one thing to look forward to. By far, this is the pinnacle of the Hanks ﬁlmography.

Hanks had a busy 1988 and ’89. He started it off wit’ Big in ’88, playin’ Josh Baskin. He wishes he was big in order to go on rides, at the carnival and in the bedroom. He scores a dumpy apartment in NYC and lands a job at a toy company. Since he is still a kid, he makes an impression on the boss man who instantly promotes him.

He soon gets a sweet pad with all sorts of Dudely gear inside and lands a pretty sweet piece of ass before wishin’ to be young again.

1989 is spent makin’ two of the biggest movies of all time, The ‘Burbs and Turner & Hooch. In The ‘Burbs, Hanks is livin’, you guessed it, in the ‘burbs when a creepy new family moves in next door. The neighbors manage to get Hanks worked up enough to start spyin’ on them and eventually burnin’ down their house. They discover a trunk full of skeletons and the creeps get carted off to jail.

Turner & Hooch is a buddy cop ﬁlm with a twist. His partner is Hooch, a dog played by Beasley the Dog. Hooch was the only witness of a murder Hanks must solve. Hooch moves into the apartment with Hanks and fucks up his pad pretty bad. Eventually, they track down the murderer who is played by Craig T. Nelson.

That was the last great motion picture made by Tom Hanks. He moved on to such dumpers as Joe Versus the Volcano(1990), Sleepless in Seattle(1993), A League of Their Own(1992), Philadelphia(1993), Apollo 13(1995), Forest Gump(1994), Toy Story(1995) and Toy Story 2(1999), Saving Private Ryan(1998), You’ve Got Mail(1998), The Green Mile(1999), Road to Perdition(2002), The Ladykillers(2004), and his new shit ﬂick The Polar Express(2004), in which he provides the voice of a boy who doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. Fuck! If I wanted to stare at this much shit, I would hang out at MSD(Metropolitan Sewer District) all day. This was a young Hollywood Dude who has now turned into an all out dud!

Dudes ‘Views

(Wit’ a foreword by Nighthawk)

For this, the 5th Issue of Dudes Mag, there will be 3, count ‘em, 3 interviews wit’ Dudes whose primary objective is to ROCK! Of course, it should be noted that one of these interviews was conducted way back in April of this year, 2004. It should also be noted that I fucked up and did not include that particular interview in Issue 4. I won’t go into details, but it was all my fault. So in return, that interview will be listed here ﬁrst.

The Independents are totally Dudes Dudes. They drink hard and they rock even harder. Back in April, I was lucky enough to catch up wit’ Evil Presley and Willy B. of the horror-punk outﬁt at the Outland Ballroom in Springﬁeld, MO to shoot the shit ‘bout everything from bangin’ hot grandmas, to Japanese fruit for the beneﬁt of you Dudes, the readers. Here is what was salvaged from the drunken conversation.

Lonewolf of Dudes Mag:

Why don’t you guys go ahead and state your name, rank, and booze bag of choice.

Evil Presley: Evil Presley, singer, El Captain, and my drink(s) of choice is probably Jack Daniel’s and Coke, Jagermeister and Red Bull, and vodka and Leche juice.

Dudes Mag: What exactly is Leche juice?

Evil: It is a Japanese fruit. Very similar to a lime. Goes great with vodka. Willy B.: My name is Willy B., I play guitar, I guess I would be the 1st Lieutenant and my favorite drink(as of last night) is the Mind Eraser. Yesterday, I was having a bad day and all of the sudden the Mind Eraser turned it into a good one.

Dudes Mag: For those Dudes out there who are unfamiliar with the Independents, why don’t you go ahead and give them a little info on your band.

Evil: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away called Shit Village, South Carolina is where the whole thing started. We started playing shows in 1991. We put out our ﬁrst album in 1994. We have been touring for almost 11 years and we have been drunk for 16 years. We have been touring constantly. We’ve toured with such bands as the Ramones, Misﬁts, The Queers,

Cheap Trick, Rancid, Sebastian Bach...

Dudes Mag: Shit, Bach of Skid Row?

Evil: Yeah. Voodoo Glow Skulls, man, there have been a ton of great bands we have been lucky enough to tour with.

Dudes Mag: Obviously, there are some pretty kick-ass bands you’ve mentioned. Who do you think you’ve enjoyed touring with the most?

Willy B.: The Voodoo Glow Skulls are great friends of ours and we love partying with them. Evil: Yeah, the Glow Skulls are awesome. Probably the most professional band we got to tour with is the Ramones. Everyone in their band and their crew were totally awesome to us. Willy B.: The Queers are great too. Evil: Yeah The Queers are awesome.

Dudes Mag: Who are the best bands to party with?

Evil: Teen Idols are great to party with. The Voodoo Glow Skulls are awesome. We have got to tour with them a lot and they are pretty much like family. We stay with them every time we head out to California. The Queers are fun to party with but it is pretty much just Phillip(also of Teen Idols) and Dave that party.

Dudes Mag: For those Dudes out there who are new to the Independents, it is important that they know that Joey Ramone was your guys’ manager. Just yesterday marked the two year anniversary of his death. Obviously, you guys miss having a friend like that around but what is it like operating as a band, without his presence?

Evil: It has deﬁnitely been hard. He was deﬁnitely our best friend and like a father ﬁgure to us. You know, everyday we would get a phone call from him. Whether it was a good call or a bitch-out call from him, it was still great to hear from him. Willy B.: It was especially hard this last tour because there were a whole bunch of times we where were like, “Man, I wish Joey was here to see this shit!” Evil: Yeah, it’s weird because he was totally like a father to us and he always knew the right way to do things and he would pass that kind of stuff onto us and teach us a lot. He had been around for a while, so it was nice to have him around to kind of guide us. Willy B.: You see, the thing about Joey was that every single thing that we ran into, he had a Ramones story for. He had seen it all before and he could tell us how to handle things. Man, he’d be like(in a pretty good Joey impersonation voice), “You don’t want to mess with that girl. She is bad news. Trust me.” Evil: Yeah, we thought we had some nutty fans. They had some fucking nutty fans. We’re talking cretins out the wazoo.

Dudes Mag: What do you have in store as far as releases?

Evil: We just put out an EP last October called “Full Moon Arise” on Fastmusic. We also have a full length in the works right now as well. There is also a whole bunch of unreleased stuff included with the EP. To make a long story short, the Misﬁts asked me to record their next full length with them. We started working on it and things didn’t really work out. We basically didn’t see eye to eye on some shit, so Willy and I kind of went back and did them our own way. We also have a ton of other shit that we have been working on and it is a lot different than our older shit.

Dudes Mag: You guys have been tagged with a variety of different labels throughout your career. Ska has been one of them which is thrown out a lot, but it seems clear that you are not your typical ska band that ﬁzzled out a few years back with the rest of them.

Evil: When we ﬁrst started, there were only like 5 ska bands playing and this was right around the time that Operation Ivy had just broken up. And then a few years down the road, there were just a ton of fucking ska bands. Willy B.: They were these awful ska bands too, that were just a bunch of jocks from the high schools that were playing bad music for their friends.

Dudes Mag: It seems like you guys tour relentlessly.

Evil: About nine months a year. And it seems like it comes in waves, too. You know, some tours just do awesome and some are a little slower than others. You can’t even really predict it either. Willy B.: We have kind of played through three different scenes too. First it was the ska, and then the crappy pop-punk, and now emo. We have managed to get through all of them. It’s kind of funny. Evil: And we still have the same people out here seeing us. And a lot of new faces too.

Dudes Mag: Where are some of your favorite places to play?

Evil: It’s kind of weird, because there are so many great places. It always changes. Willy B.: For a while it was always Detroit, Albuquerque, and Miami.

Evil: San Antonio is pretty great.

Dudes Mag: Enough about that. Who would you rather nail: Olsen Twins or the Hilton sisters?

(From Left to Right: Evil Presley, Lonewolf, Willy B.)

Evil: I am going with the Olsen twins. They fucking have more money.

Dudes Mag: The Hiltons got some money too!

Evil: Yeah but they are a little more ragged-out. Plus, maybe it’s the South Carolina in me, but twin sisters would be fucking great. Willy B.: I think I would go with the Olsen’s, too.

Dudes Mag: Where do you ﬁnd the baddest babes when you are on tour?

Willy B. and Evil in unison: Tampa! Evil: Man, all of those hot areas down south always attract the freaks. Willy B.: I think it’s because that hot weather just fucking fries their brains and they turn into total freaks. They come in all forms, too. We see mothers and their daughters at our shows and they are fucking hot. I’ve even seen a couple of G.I.L.F.’s(Grandma’s I’d Like to Fuck) at some shows.

Dudes Mag: Is there one CD you could think of that the whole band will always agree on when it comes to rocking some bad jams in the van?

Evil: Well, we all listen to the same shit, so it kind of works out good. But if we had to choose one CD, it would probably be Conway Twitty. Maybe some Buck Owens. Willy B.: Yeah, deﬁnitely some Conway Twitty. We listen to that in the van like everyday.

Dudes Mag: I actually heard that you guys had your van broken into a while back.

Evil: Yeah. It fucking sucked! We were in New York and our van was stolen and it had about $60,000 worth of equipment. $5,000 worth of merch. Willy B.: It sucked because we realized it was stolen right away and we called the cops and they didn’t do shit. They were just telling us that they weren’t going to do shit until they heard from the owner of the vehicle and that is Evil. Well, Evil was staying with Joey and they had went to the movies to see Star Wars so we couldn’t get a hold of him.

Evil: Yeah, it was awful, but Joey was there for us and he totally helped us out. He threw a beneﬁt for us the next night in New York and helped us raise some money to get back on our feet. It was crazy because Kirk Hammet of Metallica was there and he totally helped us out. I didn’t even have any clothes because they were all in the van and Joey was cool enough to take us shopping and shit. Willy B.: I had actually lost some really cool shit, too. All my gear was gone but the stuff that hurt the most was the sentimental valued shit. I had this guitar that I always had people that I met on the road sign. I had Willy Nelson, Rick Nielson, Ace Frehley, and a whole bunch of other people’s signatures on there. That was the kind of shit that was really hard to see go.

At this point, we all kind of lost focus on the “interview” and started drinkin’ pretty heavy on the band’s free Miller High Life Lite. It was also ‘round this time when their disgruntled merchman realized that he was put on blast in Dudes Mag Issue 3(see Somebody Get Me A Doctor!-page 19). What are the odds? Apparently, they had KP doing their merch for the tour and he was none too pleased to read the feature on him getting’ screwed over on a gig he set up. I tried to explain to him that I had no clue what he was talkin’ ‘bout and that I wasn’t even livin’ in St. Louis at the time of the alleged incident, but he was fumin’. Eventually, all parties settled down a bit, got a little more booze in them, and the night went on without a hitch. The Independents ripped through an amazing set, and eventually brought the house down with an awesome rendition of Danzig’s “Mother”. Dudes Mag would encourage all Dudes to make sure they catch the Independents the next time they hit your city. Also, don’t be afraid to go buy their latest joint, the “Full Moon Arise” EP. Check out the Independents online at www.theindependents.net

Back in September, Dudes Mag met up wit’ Joe Queer, punk pioneer behind The Queers. Aside from it bein’ a totally bizarre experience wit’ an odd human being, things went well. Amazingly, we managed to quilt a handful of mumbled sentences together from Mr. Queer that just barely constitutes enough material for a “feature”.

Lonewolf of Dudes Mag:

How long can the Queers keep rocking on the road?

Joe Queer: Probably a couple more years.

Dudes Mag: What is your favorite Queers tour ever?

Joe Queer: The Queers with Screeching Weasel in 1993.

Dudes Mag: What is the most rocking show you can remember seeing?

Joe Queer: Black Flag with the Ramones.

Dudes Mag: What year was that? Joe Queer: I can’t fucking remember.

Dudes Mag: Who is the Dudliest Dude ever? Joe Queer: Joey Ramone, man. Hands down.

Dudes Mag: Who is the Dudeliest babe ever? Joe Queer: Kim from the Muffs.

And that’s about it. Two days after this “interview”, The Queers cancelled the rest of their

U.S. tour due to Joe’s “serious health issue”. Hopefully, all is well with Mr. Queer and we will see them back on the road A.S.A.P. If you haven’t checked out The Queers before, or you happened to trade all your old Queers albums

On November 10, 2004, the Groovie Ghoulies were billed to play the Creepy Crawl in downtown Saint Louis. Seein’ as how they’re one of the really bitchin’ cool punk bands that still comes through Saint Louis a couple times a year, I decided to email them ‘bout an interview.

The Groovie Ghoulies have been mentioned twice in Dudes Magazine history. Both are in Issue 3. Dudes on the Run on page 13 tells a story of Kepi Ghoulie’s support for PF Flyers, and how I was against it at the time. Also, a picture of myself wearin’ a Chuck Berry T-Shirt appears on page 22 of Issue 3. It’s one of many shirts the Ghoulies made, and then threw out durin’ a show in Saint Louis a couple of years ago. It’s got a picture of Chuck on it and the words, “thee St. Louis Ghoulie Family Chuck Berry Appreciation Society...”. Back to the story. The Ghoulies wrote me back sayin’ it was cool to do the interview. I got some questions together and rode down on Issue 5’s Rigg O’ the Month, Raddmobile 2000 Millenium Edition – the Pubes tour bus, wit’ Bass Amp, the Pubes drummer. We got to the Creepy ‘round 7:30 p.m. They were one of the openin’ bands that night, along wit’ Ded Bugs and Hot Atomics. It should be noted that the Pubes bass player, Brown Bear, never showed ‘til after their set was over. A kid named Fingers in the crowd played and did a damn ﬁne job. He was awarded wit’ a new Pubes T-shirt. After I helped load in the Pubes gear(I usually sell their merch and Dudes Mag at their shows), I walked over to Kepi. I told him I was the Dude who emailed ‘bout the ‘view. He asked me to grab one of the many free donuts they had at their merch table. Some kid from Kansas City came to the show wit’ ‘bout 3 boxes of donuts. I got one wit’ chocolate and sprinkles! He said, “Let’s do it!” I said, “Right now?” He said, “Sure, donut power!” Wit’ that, Kepi-Vocals and Bass, Roach-Guitar and Backups, and Scampi-Drums and Backups went to the back lot of the Creepy to take care of business.

Nighthawk of Dudes Mag: How long has the Groovie Ghoulies been a band?

Kepi: (After lookin’ at Roach and Scampi) Two and a half years.

Dudes Mag: That eliminates my next question. (Which was ‘bout how long this particular lineup had been together. Answer, two and a half years.) How old are all of you guys?

Kepi: Over 21. Roach: (Smilin’) Twenty-one plus.

Dudes Mag: That’s what I just wrote. How long have you been puttin’ out releases on Spring-man Records and Stardumb Records?

Kepi: Two years on Springman and three years on Stardumb.

Dudes Mag: Your last full length, Monster Club, was released a little over a year ago. When will the next one be out?

Kepi: Next year.

Dudes Mag: The covers on all your EP’s and LP’s, except for a 7” split with the Donnas, have original artwork on them. Is there any reason for that or what does it mean to you to do it?

Kepi: It’s timeless.

(Groovie Ghoulies Live at the Creepy Crawl)

Dudes Mag: I like artwork on a cover, too. I like it more than a photo. Kepi: There’s a picture of the band on back covers of some of the albums. When you have a picture of the band on the cover, years later when you look back at it and everyone is in 80’s clothes, you feel kinda old.

Dudes Mag: Okay. How long have you been out on this tour? Kepi: Three weeks.

Dudes Mag: How much more do you have left? Roach: One week. Kepi: We’ve had like two weeks off in the past six months. With the Warped Tour and everything, it’s been crazy.

Dudes Mag: How was the Halloween show in Akron? Roach: Cool! A lot of fun. Kepi and Scampi: Awesome!! It was a good time.

Dudes Mag: How was the Lime Spider(club where show was at)? Scampi: Really cool. Kepi: It was great! Roach: We’re already set for comin’ back next year.

Dudes Mag: This Halloween, I went as Pee-Wee Herman. What did you guys dress up as? Kepi: (Laughin’) I went as a Chupacabra Mexican wrestler and Roach and Scampi went as cats. (Roach and Scampi are makin’ cat noises and clawin’ at the air.)

Dudes Mag: Cool. How were the two shows with El Vez? Roach: Great! He had a full band and everything. Kepi: He made a bunch of costume changes throughout the show! It was a real production. Scampi: El Vez for Prez in 2008!

Dudes Mag: How were the ﬁve shows in Canada? Kepi: Good. A lotta fun. Roach: We had snow in Edmonton and Calgary!

Dudes Mag: Did you do anything fun while you were in Canada? Kepi: We saw a buffalo, bears, a fox and coyotes. Roach: We went to the West Ed Mall, as they call it, in Edmonton. There was a full pirate ship and a miniature golf course in the mall. Scampi: There was a roller coaster in there, too. There was even an indoor water park with 20 slides! Kepi: There was? Roach: Yeah! And we went to the “gourmet” food court. Scampi: But it wasn’t as gourmet as they claimed.

Dudes Mag: Did you have any trouble at the border? Kepi: No.

Dudes Mag: The last couple times I’ve been up there, we’ve had the car searched and we were searched. Roach: Nope. No trouble.

Dudes Mag: What are you guys gonna do when you’re back home from touring? Kepi: Do some shows with the Ghoulies side band, The Haints. It’s us with some friends playin’ acoustic. And we’ll get caught up on T.V. and movies. Roach: We’ll watch Survivor and the season ﬁnale of The Sopranos. Kepi: I’m gonna watch Death Race 2000(1975). Scampi’s gonna watch Shrek 2(2004) and E.T.(1982) with her boyfriend. He’s gonna dress up as E.T. and she’s gonna dress up as Elliott. Scampi: No. I’m gonna be E.T. and he’s gonna be Elliott.

Dudes Mag: Cool. What bands have been your favorite to tour with? Kepi: Ohh! There’s so many great ones.

Dudes Mag: I know. Try to narrow it down to just a few. Kepi: The Epoxies have been real cool. Roach: Yeah, they’re a lotta fun!

Dudes Mag: They were here about a year ago. They were pretty good. Roach: Manplanet was really cool. The Flipsides were great. Kepi: The Apers, of course.

Dudes Mag: I saw them with you guys when they came. Kepi: Yeah. We got to meet the Bastards(Lars Frederiksen and the Bastards) in Kansas City. We didn’t play with them, but they’re really cool! But on the Warped Tour, we really liked tourin’ with the Bouncing Souls, NOFX(laughin’ ‘cause the Ghoulies were on the side stage and not really even on tour wit’ these bands). Scampi: Yeah, The Casualties, Bad Religion.

Dudes Mag: What’s your favorite place to play in the Sacramento area? Scampi and Kepi: Old Ironsides. Roach: This bar called The Boardwalk is cool. It’s a little bit outside the city. Scampi: It’s in the suburbs.

Dudes Mag: Cool. Bein’ from Sacramento, are you guys Giants fans or A’s fans? Kepi: Giants. They have a cooler hat. When I was a kid I always liked the SF logo. Roach: Neither. Scampi: Braves.

Dudes Mag: Are you from Atlanta? Scampi: Yeah.

Dudes Mag: Kepi, I noticed that on one of the Apers(from Amsterdam)’ album covers, Kevin Aper(singer) is wearin’ a Giants hat. Did you have anything to do with that? Kepi: No I didn’t.

Dudes Mag: How was it to play with Chuck Berry at Blueberry Hill in October of 2003? Kepi: Kick-fuckin’-ass! He’s actually playin’ tonight I heard. Scampi: Why aren’t we there?

Dudes Mag: I always wanna go see him, but it’s like $25. I got to do it soon. Roach: He was so good to us. Scampi: We used the picture we took with him for a Christmas card. It said “Berry Christmas”. Roach: We celebrated afterwards at Steak ‘n Shake with cheeseburgers and milkshakes.

Dudes Mag: What do you think bein’ in Billboard Magazine in April of this year has done for the band? Kepi: It was fun to be in it. Roach: Yeah, havin’ your picture in it is really cool. It’s hard to tell though if it has helped us out. Hopefully, it does.

(From Left to Right: Bass Amp, Scampi, Kepi, Night

hawk)

Dudes Mag: We talk

ed about the Warped Tour earlier, but how was playin’ on the “Space Station” stage with the Phenomenauts this past Summer? Kepi: It was really cool to see the Phenomenauts skateboardin’ while we played our sets. Roach: It was fun because we controlled our set times. Scampi: We went on when we wanted to. Roach: That’s how we were able to play twice a day. We only played ﬁfteen minute sets usually.

Dudes Mag: Okay. Now this is something I have to ask you Kepi. Our magazine is all about Converse shoes. A while ago last year, I got an email newsletter from you guys about a new PF Flyer with better support. I won’t wear anything but Cons. We even had an article about this whole subject in Issue 3. Where do you stand right now? Kepi: Nike bought out Converse. Nike doesn’t need my money. You can print that. And the PF Flyers do have more arch support. With Converse, I used to wear Dr. Scholl’s supporters in the shoes.

Dudes Mag: I am just so used to a very ﬂat shoe, that it doesn’t bother me. Kepi: I just don’t want to support Nike. You should try out the PF Flyer. Roach: Just look out for the extra toe on the front(pointin’ to it). Kepi: Yeah, I was walkin’ down the sidewalk when I got these, and I almost tripped. I didn’t think it was the show, but it was. Be careful.

Dudes Mag: Okay. How is everything goin’ with the Monkey Business ‘zine? Kepi: Good. Issue 3 is done.

Dudes Mag: How often is it put out? Kepi: It’s supposed to be quarterly. It’s pretty close to it.

Dudes Mag: How has the CD that comes with it helped out local bands from Sacramento? Kepi: It’s done very good things for them. People come up to me and say that they had never heard of a particular band on the CD before and they really dig ‘em. It’s doin’ its job.

Dudes Mag: Where can Dudes get a Groovie Ghoulies skateboard? Kepi: www.coldwarskateboards.com Roach: The new one is Frankenstein Green! Scampi: Very cool!

Dudes Mag: Finally, what’s each of your favorite movies ever? Kepi: There’s too many!

Dudes Mag: I know. Please pick one. Scampi: Fried Green Tomatoes(1991). Kepi: The Princess Bride(1987). Roach: Pet Sematary(1989).

Dudes Mag: Alright. Thanks for the interview. Kepi: It was fun. Roach: Your questions were really good. Kepi: We usually just get some kid with a pencil and a paper goin’ UHH. Scampi: The ones about Sacramento were good. Kepi: Yeah.

At this point, Kepi suggested we go back inside where it was warm. Me and Roach ended up at the bar. I had a Stag pint can and she had something on draft. The show was good. They even did a cover of “Trick Or Treat” by Chuck Berry. They talked more ‘bout Steak ‘n Shake. They really love that place. Kepi knew how many Steak ‘n Shakes there are in the Saint Louis area, and Scampi knew when and where the restaurant was founded! Talk ‘bout dedicated. Speakin’ of Scampi, she played the kit without shoes! Strange. Afterwards, Kepi gave me Issue 3 of Monkey Business in exchange for the ﬁrst 4 Issues of Dudes Magazine. I promised him I’d mail 3 copies of Issue 5 when they’re done. Check out the Groovie Ghoulies on the web at www.groovie-ghoulies.com If they’re comin’ to your town, do us all a favor and go already! Nighthawk

Dudes Fun Fact # 2

(Courtesy of D-Bomb)

In Division 1 Cheer and Dance, there is a move called “The Twisting Whirlybird”. This move is a version of the “Dirtybird”. Louisville used this move to score a 9.68 in the ﬁnals of the competition. The moves and the 9.68 score gave them the title of National Champions.

This is a new section which is self-explanatory.

First Fan Mail Ever!

First Check Ever!

A few months back, I made a little journey out east from the Windy to the beautiful state of Pennsylvania to visit some Dudes that I went to Mongolia wit’ this past summer. About halfway through the trip in Mongolia, we already started talkin’ ‘bout when we were all goin’ to meet up for their school’s homecoming that comin’ October. The Dudes assured me that it would be a killer time and they did not disappoint. So I made the trip from the Windy solo out to Indiana, Pennsylvania. I know this is confusin’, Indiana is the name of the town where their school is in Western PA.

The drive out there from Chicago is a pretty long one; I have been on several longer trips wit’ Nighthawk and other Dudes, but this was the longest jaunt I have ever made solo. It is ‘bout a 500 mile drive from the Windy to Indiana, PA. Along the way, I went clear across Indiana(the state) and Ohio, and let me tell you Dudes, the tolls were a BITCH! It cost about $2-3 to get out of Illinois, ‘bout $5 to go across Indiana, and $8 to go across Ohio. $15 total=BUNK! Luckily, I got on to state highways shortly after entering PA, otherwise I would have had to pay more steep tolls. I don’t know if it is possible to make it across Ohio and Indiana without goin’ on the tollways, but I strongly suggest that any Dude goin’ this way looks into it.

I had a little scare while goin’ across Ohio when I got pulled over by a state trooper. I don’t remember how fast I was goin’, but that wasn’t the problem. I had ﬁred up a couple of Batteries ‘bout twenty minutes before. Though the trooper was askin’ me ‘bout this and that, nothing happened and he let me go wit’ a warnin’. After two tanks of gas, eight plus hours, and a slice of pizza from the Ohio Toll Road Oasis, I ﬁnally made it to my friend’s crib. Immediately after I arrived, my boy Braden and I went to the bar he had just come back from to meet me for $1 shot night(which occurs every Wednesday night).

Braden was Housed and was blabberin’ that he was goin’ to buy me three shots as soon as we got there. I was beat from the drive and told him just to start me out wit’ one shot and a Coldie and then we could play it by ear. However,

the sly drunken bastard did get me to do three shots anyway ‘cause he was too Housed to take his, and he ordered another one for me shortly after(I couldn’t just let it sit there). I didn’t really mind though, ‘cause after I had that ﬁrst sweet taste of JD (Braden’s favorite liquor), I just had to have more. That night I met Braden’s boy, Billy, who had an interestin’ method for star-tin’ convos wit’ hens. His theory was that if he just yelled out, “Sarah”, the chances were that there would be someone there named Sarah and would thus lead to a convo and, ideally, an eventual trip to the Boneyard. If someone did respond, he would simply say that they met in Ocean City, a popular vacation spot for PA folk, and hope that they somehow believed this to be true or just didn’t care. After a few more bevs and several attempts to talk to a Sarah, we returned to Braden’s crib to hit the rack(Braden had class early in the morning, which of course, he skipped).

The second day, after sleepin’ ‘til noon or later, we just kicked it at Braden’s crib for the most part. We just sat around, ﬁred up some

Earth, and watched the Idiot Box ‘til night fall. Another Dude named Pav(a.k.a. Pav-a-lav-ading-dong) from the Mongolia trip came over to

Braden’s crib to chill wit’ us. This Dude is, to use his own words, “something serious”(he loved this phrase and used it in reference to many things even when it did not really make sense). I don’t know if I have ever met someone who could take down so much vodka. On the Mongolia trip, this guy slugged vodka and Coldies every night like no other. He is a true Dude. Pav ﬁrst introduced me to the wonderful gas station/convenience mart known as Sheetz. This place was truly designed with Dudes in mind. Any Dude from PA or who has visited PA can attest to this. Sheetz is pretty much like a normal gas station except for one key difference, it has some killer vittles. You simply order what you want(which you choose from a quite extensive menu) into a touch screen computer and wait for your number to be called. This is true Dudes Convenience. If you happen to visit Sheetz in the morning, I recommend gettin’ one of the Shmufﬁns, which are comparable to other fast food joints’ breakfast sandwiches and are delicious. Later that night, Braden’s neighbors got a keg and we played many rousin’ games of beer pong ‘til we decided to call it a night. Pav and I made a pretty good team, but we certainly are not the best, as beer pong is a wildly popular game in PA.

The following day started off much like that of the previous one, with some boob tube and Dudes Earth. After we chilled for a little bit and got our bearings, we decided to vittle up. We got some juicy burgs and dogs at A&W which were mighty ﬁne(I also recommend their shakes and ﬂoats). After vittlin’, we went to a nearby lake to hit up a rope swing. This particular lake

has two rope swings, one of which requires climbin’ up a ladder to go off and the other which you can launch from the ground or a tree stump. Braden and I wanted to hit up the one wit’

the ladder, which would be more fun, but Pav and Timmy were bein’ lame and didn’t want to make the walk up to it(the lower one was right off the road). Timmy understandably did not want to go to the high one ‘cause he had a leg cast from jumpin’ off his porch while drunk, but Pav had no excuse. However, Braden and I each had a couple of sweet swings while the other two lameoids looked on. After the lake, we basically repeated the events of the previous night by gettin’ a keg and playin’ some beer pong. This party was a little more rowdy, though, since it was Friday night. So we got our drink on and hit up another party or two. This night had added spice, however, ‘cause another Dude named Eric from the Mongolia trip and his brother Keith came to Indiana from Bloomsberg, PA(about 3-4 hours away). Eric, a.k.a. Meat Grinder, is one of the rowdiest Dudes I have ever met. This Dude straight up knows how to get down and dirty and so did his bro. Eric and I started a band in Mongolia known as Lord Sodomy with such sweet love ballads as “warm pickle”, “your butt knows what it needs”, and others. We are still ironin’ out the details of the release in the states. That night Eric was on a mission to, to use his own words, “mop up” some chicks. I got to give him and his bro props, ‘cause they were relentless. They would move right in on some chicks and if it was lookin’ bleak, then they would move onto the next. Eric’s tenaciousness paid off; he scored wit’ some chick that he met at a bar. Eric, Keith, and I all went back to this girl’s pad ‘cause she was havin’ a few peeps over, but Keith and I saw no reason to stay ‘cause all of her friends were mongoloids. Though it was late, Keith was still determined to meet some ladies, so we started wanderin’’bout lookin’ for a party. We ended up goin’ into some lame frat house. There were girls who we danced it up wit’, but the douche bag frat boy presence was too great and we split. We stumbled back to Braden’s crib only to ﬁnd that Pav(who lived near by) and others had taken up all the couches and we were thus forced to catch 40 on the ﬂoor.

Finally Saturday arrived, the actual day of homecoming. We all got up at 8:30 a.m. to start drinkin’ before the parade, which began at 10

a.m. Eric showed up wit’ the ﬂoosy he got it goin’ wit’ the night before and then we got a beer and went to Sheetz to grab a Shmufﬁn, which was quite an adventure ‘cause we were still drunk from the night before. The parade was pretty sweet; we got some beads, candy, and other crap and gawked at the sorority hoes goin’ by on their ﬂoats. Shortly after the parade, which was over by 11 a.m., one of Braden’s boys was so wasted that he fell down while smokin’ and put the cigarette out in his eye. I know this sounds unbelievable, but it really happened and when he got back from the hospital, he was wearin’ an eye patch and was gettin’ made fun of by all. That was not the only injury of the day, however. Later, while playin’ football, I slipped while goin’ to make a catch and cut my hand on some glass. I did not realize it ‘til someone told me that I was bleedin’ all over my shirt and on others. Though some girls were quite concerned, it wasn’t a big deal and I continued to get my drink on. The rest of the day is somewhat of a blur. I remember goin’ to a bar durin’ the day, gettin’ Wendy’s, goin’ to some parties, and ﬁndin’ out that this hen the guy who burned his eyeball wit’ the smoke was making out wit’ the night before had herpes. Eventually, I made it back to Braden’s where I passed out on the couch. Some assholes kept bein’ loud and shit, and shinin’ a light in my face while I was tryin’ to snooze. I guess that’s what you get when you pass out fully clothed.

Then, the next day we got some breakfast at some place which took a ridiculously long time and didn’t get the orders right. Afterwards, I watched a little bit of the Steelers game and then hit the road. Once again, the ride was not fun, especially since I had not fully recovered from the previous night. By the time I made it back to the Windy, I was literally in pain from sittin’ in the car for so long and probably from sleepin’ on a shitty couch or the ﬂoor for four nights. All and all, it was a sweet weekend. I got Housed out my gourd and saw some sweet Dudes from the trip. So Dudes, if you are ever thinkin’ of visiting PA, DO IT! And don’t forget to pick up a Shmufﬁn or two.

Points of Contemptness

As pictured above, said Dude entered an online datin’ contest. Couldn’t have been as a joke ‘cause he didn’t tell anyone ‘bout it. Is an avid watcher of The OC. Has admitted to shellin’ out $17 for a haircut ‘cause “you have to get it just right”. Has been known to wear his collar up. BUNK CITY IS GETTIN’ MORE POPULOUS BY THE ISSUE!

As I was I’ ready to write my 5 Dudes 8-Bit, and was readin’ my previous reviews, I realized that there are some absolute classic 8Bit titles that I have overlooked. Without these games, Nintendo would not have become the phenomenon it was, and who knows what our lives would be like today if it wasn’t for Nintendo.

Super Mario Brothers: The deﬁnitive title for the NES. Anyone younger than 50 who has seen a

T.V. knows who Mario and Luigi are. Super Mario Brothers has spawned several sequels which continued on wit’ each new Nintendo system and several spin-off games like Mario Kart Racing, Mario Pinball, and Mario and Luigi’s Fisting Funhouse. Not to mention all the cheap merchandise; T-Shirts, stickers, wrist bands, action ﬁgures, cereal, and all kinds of other crap. Something that pisses me off is that stores like fuckin’ Hot Topic are sellin’ clothes wit’ Mario and Luigi on them to snot nosed teenage punks. Come on, I was pullin’ my pud to Princess Toadstool long before most of these kids could even hold a controller!

Metroid: The original man vs. alien role playin’ game. You are Samus, a space-travelin’ bounty hunter armed wit’ a laser cannon and an armored suit. You’ve been sent to a distant planet to destroy the evil Mother Brain. Along the way, you collect Power-Ups and ﬁght aliens that look like walkin’ pineapples, giant mosquitoes, and jelly ﬁsh wit’ teeth. Once you beat the game, you discover something that I have trouble wit’. Samus is a girl. Now, I’ve got no problem wit’ Female Empowerment; if you girls want the right to vote, ﬁne. If you ladies don’t wanna wear bras, I’m all for it. That makes it easier to get to the goods. But there’s no way a girl can single-handedly kill an entire alien race. Rambo could, maybe, but not a girl.

Duck Hunt: I fuckin’ love this game. When I was a kid, there was nothing more excitin’ than pointin’ a gun at my T.V. and killin’ a couple Quackboxes. The best thing ‘bout it was not only could I see acts of violence on T.V., but now I could perform acts of violence towards my

T.V. Die you fuckin’ ducks, die!! When you kill a duck, your loyal dog holds it up triumphantly, but if you miss a duck, that ﬂeabag laughs at you. That dog is lucky I can’t shoot him, or I’d treat him like the Nazis treated Beardslee’s grandparents back in Krakow durin’ World War

II.

Kung Fu: This game gave us the classic ﬁghtin’ game storyline ... a gang of thugs has kidnapped your girlfriend for some reason and now you have to kick the crap out of ‘bout a thousand motherfuckers to get her back. Luckily though, most of these guys are dumb as rocks and they just run at you and try to grab you. One good punch to the face and the goons go down. But this isn’t goin’ to be a cakewalk,

Dudes Do

Hang in Nellville and perve birds Birdnals Dudes Stuff Fireworks Dudes Mag Conan OʼBrien Slayer Furburger The Tock, The Broiler, and Donnyʼs Sunnies Lay cable whenever, wherever Puke in rigg** Perve Bar Birds, usually resultinʼ in creepiness Say whatever the fuck they want Wicked Dudes Earth and alcohol Honk in bed Drop Cotton

Dudes Don’t

Move to Shitcago and hang witʼ hipsters Yankees Bunk Shit Fire Safety Marta Stewart Living Jay Leno John Tesh Brownstar* Long Johnʼs Shitter and Captain Dʼs Nuts Energy Bars Hold it for comfort Pull over Buy birds drinks, usually resultinʼ witʼ Douche McDouche poundinʼ her box Practice political correctness Loser drugs, i.e. Downhill Skiinʼ Nose-First Wake up Rally Finger

* Sometimes **Nighthawk only

It’s been a long time comin’ and these Dudes deserve this honor. Niggaz With Attitude was, in my eyes, the best rap group ever. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts. They straight up got down. They told it like it is and didn’t bite their tongues. In your face and vulgar. That’s how I like it. Let’s take a quick look at these brothas.

The group formed in 1987 in Compton, Ca. The CPT as they call it is no joke. South Central Los Angeles was, and is, a gang-bangin’ war zone. Eazy-E, MC Ren, Ice Cube, Yella, and Dr. Dre were straight from the hood. And wit’ their debut album, Straight Outta Comtpon, the rest of the world got to hear how serious it was(and still is) in the CPT. Released on Eazy’s label Ruthless Records in 1988, N.W.A.’s debut album sold over 2 million copies. Songs like “Dopeman”, “Gangsta Gangsta”, and “Fuck Tha Police” told tales of drugs and gang life in the hood. “Fuck Tha Police” became an anthem for ghettos across the country. The song was condemned by law enforcement ofﬁcials nationwide, includin’ the FBI.

Shortly after the album’s release, Ice Cube quit

N.W.A in 1990. The group became even more reliant than before on the production skills of Dr. Dre. Even without Ice Cube, the group’s second album Eﬁl4zaggin went straight to the top of the album charts in 1991. With the name of the album spelled backwards, it would be the group’s last record together. After breakin’ up in 1992, each member of N.W.A. began their own solo careers. While MC Ren and Yella didn’t achieve much solo success, Eazy and Dre did. Eazy-E released an anti-Dr. Dre album titled It’s On (Dr. Dre) 187um Killa in 1993. This was in the midst of an ongoin’ public feud between Eazy and the muthafuckin’ Doctah. Eazy continued releasin’ albums and runnin’ Ruthless Records(Bone Thugs-N-Harmony fame) ‘til he died of AIDS in 1995. Apparently, Sleazy had put his pole in too many dirty holes. He had fathered 7 children wit’ 6 different women in his 31 years. R.I.P. Dre co-founded Death Row Records wit’ Suge Knight. It was on this label that he released his solo debut album The Chronic in 1992. He also went on to provide back beats for the albums of young Death Row stars Tupac Shakur and Snoop Doggy Dogg. Beginnin’ in 1990 wit’ the release of Amerikkka’s Most Wanted, Ice Cube had a successful solo career which lasted throughout the 1990’s. He also went on to star in such ﬁlms as Boyz N the Hood(1991) and Friday(1995). He also made his directorial debut in 1998 wit’ The Player’s Club.

If you already have N.W.A. in your record collection, you already know ‘bout everything that you just read. If you don’t own any N.W.A. albums, get your ass out there and buy them. It is some for real gangsta shit. WORD!

My recent archival research in the Saint Louis University Pius XII Library has revealed a hitherto unknown manuscript by the late Dr. Irving Allen, whose body of work has long been regarded as one of the most inscrutable and inaccessible in the ﬁeld of scientiﬁc inquiry. Indeed, his reputation is so daunting that the bulk of his archival collection in the Library has been largely unexplored. His unﬁnished masterwork, Cracking the Pot: History’s Biggest Wackjobs, is one such document, and my essay will mark the ﬁrst published study of this manuscript, albeit in a supremely (and lamentably) abbreviated form. In his typewritten text, Allen explores the cultural contributions of a number of history’s most allegedly insane, with an emphasis on the tripartite evolution from “crackpot optimism” to allegations of “wackjobism” by the general populace to, ﬁnally, the appropriation of this once-taboo intellectual property by those in power. To this end, Allen includes everyone from Jesus to Charles Darwin, Isaac Newton to Dr. Atkins.

Of his roughly

smell.” While Allen’s own pitiable status among two-dozen extant

fellow scholars is well documented, the most entries, the most

signiﬁcant aspect of this particular comment is obscure is that of

that of Nog’s personal odor, a subject of no little Dr. Vladimir Nog,

interest to Allen, who – in his early essay “The the putative (at

Olfactory Me” – once compared his own natural least, according

musk to that of “an oversexed antelope.” An-to Allen) inven

other note in Allen’s manuscript, written in red tor of that most

ink and smelling faintly of raisins, reads: “This vile holiday bev

man. This great man [...] I see his face in crystal erage: eggnog.

punchbowls. I see his smell in the faintly ﬂoat-Allen reserves

ing nutmeg.” Presumably, Allen meant “smell a certain affec

his smell” here, although this is merely speculation for Nog that tive and open to contest. is not equaled within the examinations of his other subjects. Indeed, there is an implicit admi-Here, then, for the ﬁrst time, the story of Vladiration and – dare I speak it – love. In this light, mir Nog and his most memorable invention is one cannot easily ignore the psychological af-told. Sadly, Nog’s involvement with the drink ﬁnities between the two. Of Nog, Allen wrote (in was tragically cut short (see below), yet the some penciled introductory notes to the chap-beverage itself has survived. Allen sketched ter): “He was a brilliant man, much hated by his the following timeline in his notebook under contemporaries. Also, he possessed an enviable the heading “Eggnog – The Deﬁnitive History.”

I amend the title below, as Allen included no working bibliography from which to verify his sources. It remains to see whether future scholars will refute the ﬁndings of Allen, but for now, we must but place our faith in the acute sense of academic responsibility and integrity to which Dr. Irving Allen – the self-proclaimed “saltiest nut in the bowl” – adhered for over 50 years as a fearless and imaginative scholar.

Eggnog: The Abbreviated History (compiled from the notes of Dr. Irving Allen)

1813: A prototype of the now-popular drink is invented by the celebrated physicist Dr. Vladimir Nog, who used the leftover yolks from a series of shell-endurance tests as a crude adhesive and then, ultimately, a beverage. Of his “drink,” Nog is less than enthusiastic, and the initial appraisal in his notes reads: “It has been four hours and I am not yet deceased. I conclude, therefore, that it can be drunk, but who would do such a thing?”
1816: Rum is added to the mix as a result of Nog’s enduring alcoholism, ultimately differentiating the drink from “a glass of eggs,” as it had been dubbed by cynics.
1832: The ofﬁcial name is changed from “Nog’s Folly” to “Eggnog” in honor of the physicist’s untimely death at the beaks of a vindictive platoon of hens. The origin and intention of these hens is widely contested in the scientiﬁc annals of the time, in which Nog’s son Ludvik is quoted to have proclaimed: “Me thinks a conspiratorial plot hath been hatched by my father’s lesser colleagues.” The pun may not have been intentional.
1846: Eggnog’s ﬁrst recorded laudatory comments are uttered by an openly drunk United States President James K. Polk, who proclaims at a White House Christmas party: “If it’s not nog, it’s just no good.” He also vows to serve it at his next “inoguration.”
1898: Eggnog’s popularity wanes as it is increasingly associated with the lower classes, whose popularity has waned due to frequent association with poverty, desolation and moral

bankruptcy.

1913: Eggnog’s 100th birthday is poorly planned and attended. Nog’s grandson – by now very much a grown man – wears a party hat and looks pathetic.
1930: The scarcity of eggs for many families during the Great Depression forces the reduction of eggnog to “plain old rum,” and ﬁnally to an empty glass.
1947: The Catholic Church contests eggnog’s presumed origins and claims that the drink was initially conceived by Gregorian monks under the name: “Greggnog.” The beverage’s appeal, however, remains secular.
1968: The unsettling announcement “Don’t drink the off-white eggnog!” and its implications rock the modest Minnesota community of Duluth’s Holidays in the Park concert series. The nog, it seems, had been laced with a potent hallucinogenic by a band of “merry pranksters.” Of course, all of the eggnog was off-white in color, which was the source of no little confusion, especially for the myriad of poor souls who were, by this point, very, very high.
1996: For the ﬁrst time in history, “drinking eggnog” replaces “roasting chestnuts” as America’s favorite Yuletide tradition. “Being merry” ﬁnishes seventh.

Big Time Quote O’ the Month

“Take Your Time.”

(Big Time says this to Dudes when he senses that these Dudes are rushin’ things a bit, or are in a hurry.)

“2004 Major League Baseball Season In Review”

This piece could not be completed ʻcause it hurts just too much.

“Key Dates for the St. Louis Cardinals 2005 Regular Season”

(All Times Are St. Louis Times-Central Daylight Time)

Tuesday, April 5th – 6:05 P.M.

The Cardinals are on the road at Houston for their season-opener vs. the Astros. There still could be some tension left over from the 2004 National League Championship Series. This should be the start of 2 good heated ballgames for their openin’ series.

Friday, April 8th – 3:05

P.M.

The ﬁnal home opener at the current Busch Stadium vs. the Philadelphia Phillies.

Wednesday, April 20 th and Thursday, April 21st

– 7:10 p.m. and 12:10 P.M.

The Chicago Cubs come to town for the ﬁrst time in 2005. Eat Shit Chicago!

Friday, May 20 th – Sunday, May 22nd – 7:10 P.M., 6:10 P.M., and 1:10 P.M.

The Redbirds travel to Kansas City for a little Interleague Play. My prediction is a straight-up sweep for boys in red. Get your brooms out Dudes!

Friday, May 27 th – Sunday, May 29th – 7:10 P.M., TBD, and 1:15 P.M.

The Washington Nationals come to town. What used to be a great Canadian baseball team is now based outta our nation’s capital. Yes, the new D.C. team comes to STL and, just like the Fat Cats in Washington, this team sucks!

Monday, June 6th – Wednesday, June 8th – 7:10

P.M. all three nights!

The Boston Red Sox come back to Busch for 3 games, and Hell yeah, it’s time for a little revenge. Take your Clam Chowder and shuv it up your ass Boston!

Friday, June 10 th – Sunday, June 12th – 7:10 P.M., TBD, 1:15 P.M.

Get out your YANKEES SUCK T-Shirts ‘cause Steinbrenner and his Evil Empire are comin’ to town. Good chance the Anchor gets kicked out of one of these games.

Monday, June 13 th – Wednesday, June 15th

– 6:07 P.M. every night!

The Rednals travel to O’Canada to take on the Toronto Blue Jays. I know which bird I’ll be roo-tin’ for.

Monday, July 11 th – Wednesday, July 13th – All-Star Break.

The All-Star Game will be played on Tuesday, July 13th at Comerica Park in Detroit, Michigan. Prediction – 3 Cardinals will be on the National League team and that League will ﬁnally win for once.

Friday, July 22nd – Sunday, July 24th – 7:10 P.M., TBD, and 1:15 P.M.

Weekend series wit’ the Cubs here in the STL. Please, Cubs fans, come to our town and Stadium, and spend $$ to help our local economy, even though you are goin’ to lose.

Thursday, August 11 th – Sunday, August 14th

– All games are 1:20 P.M. starts, except Saturday is TBD.

4-game series up in the Windy. Road trip time. I’ll be Shitty in the Windy!

Friday, August 26th – Sunday, August 28th

– 6:05 P.M., 6:05 P.M., 12:05 P.M.

We play in D.C.! Get out as fast as you can!

Thursday, September 15th – Sunday, September 18th – All games are 1:20 P.M. starts, except Saturday is TBD.

Back to Chicago. This is the second and ﬁnal time we play the Cubs at Wrigley this year. The Anchor’s birthday is on the 18 th, so once again, I may be Shitty in the Windy.

Sunday, October 2nd – 1:15 P.M.

The ﬁnal regular season game vs. the Cincinnati Reds at the current Busch Stadium, but not the ﬁnal game ‘cause I predict another playoff birth.

You don’t really think we’re crazy enough to mourn O.D.B.’s, death do you? You guys know Ol’ Dirty; he is just fuckin’ with us. Prison is a real bitch. It does crazy things to people. Let’s put our worries on hold for a while before we jump to any silly conclusions. Let’s face it, he probably isn’t in the “right frame of mind” right now. He never has been. He’s known for his CRAZY SHIT. This has to be a ploy! Y’all know how Dirty do it. He’ll bounce back in two years wit’ a whole new gbe so great.

(Resentment {ri’zent-ment}

n. to feel annoyed at a real or imaginary injury.)

Rodney Dangerﬁeld

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. When I was a kid, I was so ugly that cats would cover me up in the sandbox and my mom wouldn’t breast feed me. She said she liked me only as a friend.”

Is it just me, or did this one totally ﬂoat by people. Dangerﬁeld helped write the Book of Dude and it didn’t seem like he got the sign-off he deserved. I also think that people overlooked the fact that he was 82 when he died. If I was a bettin’ man(which according to my sponsor Trent, I am) I would have bet the farm that he would have bit it well before 70. I have grandparents that lived way shorter than he did, and they didn’t have a fraction of the fun Dangerﬁeld did. Let this be a lesson. HAVE AS MUCH FUN AS YOU WANT. Rodney knew how to run shit and he took a solid 80+ year run at it. He was survived by some 20 or 30 year-old plastic blonde wife too. It is so great to know that Rodney passed with the comfort of love in his life(and probably drugs and liquor in his system). Bottoms up to Rodney!

Dudes Fun Fact #3

Courtesy of Lars

Ol’ Dirty Bastard (R.I.P.) had thirteen illegitimate children. He only had to pay child support for one of them! SWEET!!

Shoot!!! Just got back from the deer woods and ‘bout ready to chop some wood before those north winds start blowin’. Looks like this Winter is goin’ to be a wet one, so Dudes Sleddin’ will be in full swing along wit’ some sweet conditions for trackin’ down tender vittles, and lots of snow means no need for ice to cool down the Bud Heavys.

Wit’ the huntin’ seasons open now and the seasons that just closed, this segment of Dudes Outdoors is dedicated to all those Dudes who still practice the ﬁne art of huntin’. I have been checkin’ out the huntin’

grounds down here in the Boston Mountains of Arkansas, and I’ve been keepin’ in touch wit’ the Nebraskan Dudes on how huntin’ in the grasslands has been. I have heard of the tales of those who hike the Rocky Mountains with a gun in hand, and have got the ﬁnal counts on of Dudes who pound Bud Heavys and ﬂing stealthe harvested deer of Missouri. So far, baggin’ through the air.

meat has been no problem. Here are some pics

Dudes Outdoors Innovations

The Class V River Betty

Have you ever been ﬂoatin’ down the river in a raft and wanted to put your beer down but did not have anywhere to safely put it? Have you ever been ﬂoatin’ some sweet whitewater rapids all day and come to ﬁnd out that your Bud Heavy got watered down and now tastes like Bud Pussy? Well, fear not fellow beer drinkers. You can now enjoy full bodied beer and not worry ‘bout spillin’ beer when goin’ through every rapid.

The Class V River Betty is a simple, but essential design. A transparent plastic pipe is cut just over the length of a Drivin’ Can, and a matchin’ plastic top ﬁts snugly into the pipe to keep water from inﬁltratin’ your beer. A woven strap on the inside of the pipe goes under the beer can to keep it in place. Another strap is attached to the River Betty that can be strapped to a number of places on a raft or canoe. The River Betty is dump truck-proof but not ﬂip-proof; if you ﬂip the raft, be prepared for light beer.

Order the Class V River Betty at www.classvriverbetty.com or call 719-685-0285

Sometimes, you just ﬂat-out can’t shit. I know, it’s aggravatin’ as hell. But, these things happen to Dudes everywhere. It’s never the ﬁrst time it’s happened, and it’s never the last time it will happen, either. In this edition of Cable Tales, I’m gonna inform you Dudes out there how to get the cables ﬂowin’ when you think your well’s run dry.

“You Stay Regular and I Stay Happy”

Just ‘cause you miss a cable layin’ seesion or two, don’t get all worked up and start thinkin’ you’ve got big problems. Dudes go longer than that without sittin’ on The Bowl. Honestly, once you go 2 or 3 days without droppin’ the kids off at the pool, then it’s time to wonder what’s wrong wit’ your ass(literally speakin’). It’s not normal to go that long without layin’ cable. Most Dudes will shit 3 or 4 times a day on average.

So, if you’re constipated, here’s a couple of things to ask yourself. Have you been drinkin’ regularly? Have you been eatin’ enough fast food? These are both important questions. Most importantly, beer and hard liquor help push out cable into Shit Creek. I don’t know how, I’m not a doctor, but it does clean you out. So, start drinkin’ immediately if you’re clogged up. The best beers for this emergency treatment are old Style, pabst, Busch, High Life, Stag, Milwaukee’s Best, etc. Basically, cheap beer does it every-time. As far as the liquors go, whiskey is best for producin’ Ass Piss. Any kind of the brown liquor will turn your rear end into an Ass Faucet.

Fast food is important ‘cause it’s basically processed crap, no matter where you go. Garbage in, garbage out; that’s what I always say. But hey, who cares what type of shit you put in your system if you’re only doin’ it to lay cable fast?

White Castle is great for ﬂushin’ your system. Those belly bombers cut through a Dude like a hot knife through butter. Jack In the Box runs right through you too. If you are a Dude who is unfamiliar

wit’ these restaurant chains or who lives in an area where these chains don’t exist, just ﬁnd a place where burgers and Tocks run for “2 for 99 cents” or “2 for $3”, etc. Ads like these are usually a good sign that the “food” is really crappy.

Follow these two instructions and you should be feedin’ me Tubies in no time. If you are still dry after plenty o’ beers, liquor, and fast food, then you have a serious problem. I would recommend seein’ a doctor for real. You’re fucked! ‘Til next time, the Cable Monster is sayin’ “Drink one for me, and have a tock or two wit’ that burg”.

I’m goin’ old school in this new skool edition of Dudes Digs. I’m gonna use the format used back in Issue 1. This new skool Dudes Digs is coverin’ what I like to call the “Oakville Brew House”. Unfortunately, the Dudes residin’ in the Oakville Brew House haven’t been knighted with their Dudes aliases as of yet, so I’ll just refer to them by their proper names,

Joe and Tom.

Of course, all Dudes know that the things settin’ Dudes Digs apart from just basic digs are the boob tube, the ice box for Adulders, the rack fo’ gettin’ yo’ sleep on, and the pissin’ bowl. These Dudes have all of these items covered, and then some. Some of the luxury items they have in the sittin’ room include:

-3 good layin’ couches -3 sumtin sumtin’s to set frosty ones on(not includin’ a bonus fold-out frosty holder in one of the couches) -a mad stereo to pump bad jams through

-2 15” subs -7 speaker boxes -party lights Dude!

These Dudes also cover their bases as far as stocked ice boxes go. Sometimes a Dude doesn’t have the greenbacks to keep his ice box stocked to the brim w/ some Bud Heavies, but these Dudes always ﬁnd a way to keep their ice box full. Hell, they work for AnheuserBusch, so why shouldn’t they keep it stocked?

When a Dude goes out and gets shit-faced on a Dudes Night Out, he needs a good mattress to crash on. Joe and Tom make sure any mattress they sleep on is spring loaded so that, just as mentioned in Issue 1, they can wake up late, but refreshed, for the Mines the next day. Joe doesn’t fool ‘round either. Check out the placement of the chest of drawers behind the chair and next to the bed for easy access when whirleybirds might be shackin’ up at your pad. Notice his Cardinals-AB calendar on the wall too. Throw it up fo’ tha Nellyville Red Birds! Fuckin’ Red Sox.

After chowin’ on

some Whities or Tom’s Room

slammin’ down a good meal, a Dude’s probably gonna have a visit from the Cable Monster, so why not spice up the experience a little more. Maybe put up a poster of some choice whirleybird and throw down some Issues of Dudes Mag.

A musical Dude’s gotta have a good set of jam tools, too if he plans on rockin’ out now and then. Joe knows that ain’t no joke either. Just check out this sweet set of drums.

Now, you might be thinkin’ to yourself, “This pad’s pretty sweet, bro, but where are we gonna play washers or throw kegs?!” Don’t worry brother. I got ya covered. This sweet grass patch these Dudes maintain behind their house is prime real estate for washers tossin’, beer slammin’, and keg tossin’.

The Oakville Brew House isn’t just home to a couple of Dudes and some sweet real estate. It’s also home to some sweet riggs; Dudes Riggs if I may say.

Joe rocks out in his truck. Just check this mofo out. It’s a pretty mean machine. Unfortunately, the front bumper has a small dent in it from when the person responsible for Lame City caused an accident while drivin’ Joe’s rigg. The paint’s comin’ off just a little bit, and there’s a little bit of rust, but any Dude knows that those kinds of things are critical for Dudes Riggs because they add character. Not only does this rigg haul Joe ‘round the greater Saint Louis area to stock beer, but it doubles as a company vehicle for Lem Lawn, a prestigious grass cuttin’ company for those Dudes who have gotten too old to cut their lawns

themselves.(Editor’s note: Dudes are never too old t omow their lawns.)

Tom has made his fair share of greenbacks, which is why he has a choice of riggs to use for gettin’ ‘round town. He started out with the Pontiac a few years back when his ﬁrst few greenbacks started rollin’ in, and just this past summer he saved up a few greenbacks for his crotch-rocket. I don’t even know if he has a license for that thing. Someone might wanna check into that. Anyway, check out that ﬂag-stand he’s pullin’ off on the mailbox post! This Dude don’t mess around.

This month’s selection is a book entitled The Complete A**hole’s Guide to Handling Chicks by Dan Indante and Karl Marks. This insightful book can be found in the humor section of any bookstore. This book has diagrams of what type of chicks a certain Dude can expect to land. This book also gives great advice on how to be an asshole to women, which we all know women want. No chick wants a pussy-wuss boy.

Literature such as this isn’t easy to come by, but it is worth the $11.95 price. One of my favorite sections of the book is the glossary of terms. Example:

Angry Dragon – When you come in a girl’s mouth then slap the back of her head making the semen some out of her nose. She will no doubt become enraged and the combo of her pissed looking face and your jism protruding from her hose will make her look like an angry dragon.

As all Dudes know, no Dudes Rigg is truly Dudely in the absence of a Boff Rigg name. I mean, who wants to be obtainin’ their drive-thru tocks in some generic, un-bofﬂy-riggnamed vehicle when they could be cruisin’ in high style in “The Alphabeater” or “The Molemobile” instead? Friggin’ nobody, Jack! Ya know what they call a rigg without a boff

rigg name? A bus!

And, yeah, sometimes it’s fun to ride the bus for hoots ‘n’ hollers, but, as far as bus ridin’ bein’ a truly Dudely method of locomotion, ferget it, Prince Charles! Any Dudes Rigg worth its road salt deposits has gotta have a suitably boff Rigg name, and just givin’ your Rigg some wackass name off the top of your dome one day AIN’T CUTTIN’ IT. Boff Rigg names must be EARNED. With this in mind, dear Dudes, may I present to you, with pardonable pride – the BAD YOLK.

If there is any Rigg, anywhere on the planet, from coast to coast and border to border, that looks more yolkly than the BAD YOLK, I am completely unaware of it! The BAD YOLK is a Packer-helmet-yellow 2003 Pontiac Sunﬁre, tricked out wit’ the Dudely accoutrements(Dudes...I know “accoutrements” is hardly a Dudely word to be usin’ in a Showcase O’ Dudeliness such as this, but the prime gash all dig the French, ya know? And ya can’t very well show up at the whirleybird’s doorstep drivin’ a Renault Fuego to impress her wit’ your Frenchliness, can ya? HAIL NO! Therefore, in the interests of tiny taint acquisition, it becomes somewhat necessary to pepper one’s Dudely argot with an occasional fruity French term here and there. If a Dude otherwise comports himself wit’ full Dudeliness, spewin’ fruitiness like “accoutrements” is an acceptable Dudely Deviation, ‘cause, if nothing else, it sounds kinda funny comin’ out of our Dudely pie holes and we can play it up for cheap yuks) of 1. One Wal-Mart 8-Ball antenna topper; 2. Two pinkish-purple shag pillows in the back seat,

to wow the trim, and 3. Purple rubber skull wearin’ a Pittburgh Pirates hat, sittin’ between pillows. The purple rubber skull used ta have a bitch pair o’ Bad-Yolk-Yellow shades on his bad purple self, but they were fatally mangled ‘cause the purple rubber skull ain’t bolted down, so he goes rollin’ ‘round the car any time I take any manner of a sharp curve, which is frequently(the purple skull’s ofﬁcial name is “Mr. Bones”, which is the ONLY name a skull or skeleton should ever be given by a Dude). I also had the BAD YOLK tricked out wit’ a 4. Homemade “BUSH SUCKS” bumper sticker, but that was removed by some DOUCHEBAG whose life shall be forfeited should I ever catch wind of his whereabouts.

Bein’ this as it may, the BAD YOLK was stumbled upon one Sunday afternoon (Sundays bein’ the best days to check out new riggs since no DOUCHEBAG salesman will be there to nag and cajole ya) when, havin’ been bit in the keister by the New Car Bug, I decided(wrongly) that I was likely gonna wind up buyin’ a Ford Focus(which is a pretty weak and unimpressive rigg, I will straight-up admit)...for some reason I was intrigued by the yellow color the Focus allegedly came was the Debate About The Packer Stadium Tax: As all True Dudes know, the Dudeliest NFL team is, without question, the 12-Time World Champion Green Bay Packers, who play at Lambeau Field (before Lambeau was invented, the Pack played at my high school’s football ﬁeld, Green Bay East) (slightly before this Dude’s time). Recently, some brain surgeon douchebags decided that Lambeau needed a $295 million upgrade,

and that the residents

in, but, since there were

of Brown County(that

no yellow Foci to be

be me) oughtta foot

found on any dealer

th’ bill. Me, person-

ship lot, anywhere in

ally, as a Dude, don’t

town, I grabbed my-

exactly see why it’s so

self a forty of some

frickin’ IMPERATIVE

unspeciﬁed yellow

that we need ta build a

substance(potentially

bunch o’ luxury seats

urine) and tooled on

for fat-ass corporate

down the highways

douchebags and atri

and byways, cruisin’ in

ums and pubs and shit

search of the elusive

on our football ﬁeld,

yellow Ford Focus. I

when the seats are still

never found one, but,

hunks of aluminum

on the outskirts of Kaukauna, Wisconsin

–: America’s Stinkiest City – I was planted in my Dudes Tracks by the sight of a rigg even YELLOWER than the non-existant yellow Focus, starin’ at me wit’ slanty headlight eyes reminiscent of Zoltar from Battle of the Planets(who turned out on the last episode to not even be a Dude at all, but a Whirleybird! Well I never!). Needless to say, I’m like, DUDE!!! THAT IS SO MY RIGG!!! After a few negotiatin’ sessions wit’ the douchebags in Kaukauna, they wound up cut-tin’ the sticker price by four grand ‘cause I paid cash, plus ﬁve hundred off ‘cause my last rigg was a Ford(don’t ask me), plus another ﬁfteen hundred bucks off ‘cause I think they just wanted to get ridda me, so I wound up I’ a $17,785 sticker-priced rigg for under $12,000, keepin’ the Dudes W out of the red zone. The BAD YOLK has been one boff rigg since, even withstandin’ a vicious ass-bashin’ by an UNINSURED DOUCHEBAG(and a factory recall of – get this
–: the sticker under th’ hood that tells ya shit ‘bout the exhaust system. I guess the old one could fall off or something. OH MERCY ME!!!). The greatest problem involvin’ the BAD YOLK

wit’ no backs and seat

numbers spray painted on ‘em, but that is beside the point. ANYWAY, the law, as This Dude understood it, was that all purchases made in Brown County would be taxed an extra half a percent, with the extra jack goin’ ta fund the alleged Lambeau “renovation”. Fine, Dude. But as I’m sittin’ in the Head Douchebag’s ofﬁce, signin’ the papers to get my rigg, Douche-fuck ﬁlls in an extra $81.25 in the blank, labeled “Green Bay Football Renovation Tax”. I’m like, “Dude!”(why I even called this non-Dude “Dude” is beyond me. I should have called him “Douche”) “Kaukauna isn’t in Brown County! It’s in Outagamie County! You douche-bags REFUSED to get in on the stadium tax wit’ us! Don’t be slickerin’ me for no $81.25, I need that money for Pabst Blue Ribbon goosenecks, tocks, sunnies, and other Dudely staples!” Head Douche then informs me that the extra tax gets levied dependin’ on what county the rigg is gonna be TITLED in, not what county the rigg is bought in! Fuckin’ JIVE, Dudes! Anyway, wantin’ my rigg, I’m like yeah, whatever, so I sign the shit, come back the next day, and cruise my rockin’ rigg back home. The day after that, Douchebag Deluxe is on my answerin’ machine(likely callin’ from his DBWT), tellin’ me that they “forgot” to charge me the $81.25 stadium tax, so I should mail him a check! Not to put too ﬁne a point on it, but FUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUU!!! I tell him he’s a douchebag and he can eat a bowl of fuck(actually I don’t, I just ignore him. But he IS a douchebag who can eat a bowl of fuck, regardless). I mean, I understand fuckin’ up the paperwork, but to not catch it until I get home with the rigg – well, to coin a phrase “too bad, so sad.” And how do ya “forget” to charge me the exact same $81.25 I was bitchin’ at ya for chargin’ me in the ﬁrst place??? I mean, if I was deliverin’ pies, as I did in for Dudes Domino’s in times past, and I realized the next day I forgot to charge the Dude I delivered the pies to for his two cans o’ Coke, do I call back the next day and tell him he still owes me a dollar, so I’m gonna cruise by that afternoon and pick it up? Fuck no! There is a DUDES CODE OF HONOR at work here that says once the customer Dude and the seller Dude part ways, any underchargement on th’ part of the seller is ofﬁcially null and void. You snooze, you lose. To pursue the vamoosed dinero is unDudely to the max! I wouldn’t do that wit’ a twelve-dollar pizza, and here these douchebags are chasin’ me down for petty jack after buyin’ a twelve-thousand-dollar rigg!!! The noive!!! Anyway, this fuck-ass keeps callin’, so I call the BBB on ‘em – and, get this, instead of the Alleged Dude at the BBB bein’ on my side and tellin’ me that I should tell the dealership douchebubbles to pound sand up their asses, he tells me that I’M in the wrong, and that if I don’t pony up the $81.25 of Dudes Jack to the douchebagship, they can fuck wit’ my rigg’s registration and put a lien on my rigg and untold other nonsensical and bogus actions of Douchebaggery! Fuck you, BBB! They oughtta call you the Better DOUCHEBAG Bureau!!! Anyway, to make a long story short, I wind up payin’ the $81.25, and let it be made quite clear that their asinine pursuit of a

sum o’ jack amountin’ to ‘bout two-thirds-of-onepercent of the purchase price of my rigg will certainly ‘cause this Dude to take his Rigg dough elsewhere in the future!

That said, cool features of the BAD YOLK include:

1. Fuckin’ yellow paint-job, Dude!

Slanty Zoltar style headlights!
BADYOLK person

alized plates! Personalized plates are usually pretty douche, but these are most bitch!

Little bitty steerin’ wheel – makes car veer ‘round in thrillin’ fashion if ya sneeze or drop something and gotta look for it.
Bitch-ass sound system, but NO CASSETTE PLAYER! CD only! GM has ceased makin’ cassette players for their riggs! Fuck you, GM! Absence of a tape deck from a rigg is most un-Dudely, if for no other reason that most Dudes have ‘bout ﬁfteen huge cardboard boxes of cassettes sittin’ ‘round their pad, made for no other reason than to supply cruisin’ tuneage.
Cool round vents that look like frog eyeballs!
Suave red dashboard lights makin’ the YOLK cockpit look most eeeevil!
Rigg’s Piehole – a.k.a. a sunroof, or a moon-roof, or whatever it’s called. Excellent for pokin’ your head up through in the middle of drive-in movies when you wanna catch some air, or for throwin’ shit at unsuspectin’ douchebags outta.
As mentioned earlier, customizations include Mr. Bones, taint-inducin’ purple shag throw pillows, and the 8-ball antenna topper!
Fuckin’ yellow paintjob, Dude!

In conclusion, 2003 Pontiac Sunﬁres are BITCH and BOFF(especially the yellow ones),

Issue? Enough said.

I don’t think there’s gonna be any arguments when Dudes read this Dudely Dude Proﬁle. The Dude I’m gonna give you the skinny

the disaster, but got lost in space, eventually crashin’ in the city of angels. For 4 years, ALF entertained us on television week

on this Issue is a DUDE! That’s all I

after week. He spent most of his gotta say ‘bout this Dude.

time on the show chasin’ the fam

ily cat, sayin’, “Hah, I kill me”, and Aliens can be Dudes. Sure they can.

avoidin’ the nosy neighbors, the In Issue 4, ALF(Alien Life Form, not

Ochmoneks. But his legacy didn’t Animal Liberation Front or Ameri

stop there. Even after the show can Liver Foundation) made the

ended, Dudes everywhere still con-cover story list of 10 of the Coolest

sidered ALF one of us. Allow me to Fictional Dudes Ever. I don’t remem

show you a thing or two ‘bout our ber anyone havin’ a problem wit’

favorite friend from outer space. it. So, I don’t think anyone’s gonna have any problem wit’ ALF getting’

Born on October 28, 1756, ALF this newest honor. He is a Dude, and

was born on the planet Melmac,

that’s that.

September 22, 1986 is a date no Dude should ever forget. It marks the day when ALF crashed his spaceship into the garage of the Tanner home in Los Angeles. It was ‘cause of the Melmac orbit guard not bein’ able to protect the planet from a nuclear war that ALF ended up in

L.A. He escaped

and given the name Gordon

Shumway(after his grandmother, who could split a block of wood wit’ her lips) by his parents Bob and Flo. Gordon went on to attend Melmac High School where he played on the Skleenball and Bouilla baseball teams. ALF was also part of the orbit guard on Melmac. He went on to become a leg hugger on a professional Bouillabaseball team at the age of 193, when he left the world of professional comedy. Bouillabaseball is the same as regular baseball, except ﬁsh parts are used instead of bats and balls. Also, ALF ran his own Phlegm dealership.

ALF attended college for 63 years where he majored in Pedestrian crossing. It was there that he was co-captain of the Skleenball team. ALF had a collection of ﬁne porcelain woodchucks and enjoyed cats wit’ a side order of French fries. ALF enjoyed to bet on horse racin’ wit’ his bookie, Nick the Fish, when he wasn’t chasin’ the Tanners’ cat, Lucky ‘round their house.

Startin’ November 5th of this year, ALF was back on T.V. wit’ his new show, ALF’s Hit Talk Show on TV Land. On the show, a variety of guest join the alien on his show to shoot the shit. The show is on at 11 P.M. ET/PT and 10 P.M. CDT(tough to skip Sein-Sein for ALF) on Friday nights. So tune in already!

Wit’ 5 Issues of Dudes Mag under our belts now, we at Dudes Magazine decided it was time for you, the reader Dudes, to ﬁnd out more ‘bout us, the writer Dudes. Below, you will ﬁnd a compilation of Dudes Bios. The bios are written on each Dude who contributed to Issue 5. So, while you’re readin’ this Issue, you will know more ‘bout each particular Dude who wrote the articles and drew the drawings(J-Man). Of course, some Dudes are bein’ left out. But hey, LIVE IN THE NOW DUDES!

Nighthawk

Age: 23 Height and Weight: 6’00” and

182.4 lbs.(as of 1119-2004, on a digital scale) Is From: Lemay, Missouri Currently Resides In: Lemay, Missouri Turn-Ons: Females who drink heavily, chain-smoke, and swear like sailors. Turn-Offs: Obesity, non-drinkers, and public signs of affection. Type of Rigg: 1999 Saturn named the Swoopsmobile. Currently, the driver side window does not work, nor the passenger side wiper blade. Oh yeah, and it smells like cigarettes, alcohol, urine, and vomit. Special Talents: Plays the drums and can lick his own nipples. Favorite Beer: Bud Heavy Favorite Liquor: Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey; although lately, I’ve been drinkin’ hella Tanqueray & Tonic drinks. Favorite Sexual Position: Bound and Gagged Hobbies: Masturbation, drinkin’, and watchin’ baseball.

Mr. Rin Tin Tin

Age: 22 Height and Weight: 6’1” and 155 lbs. Is From: The ‘Bury Currently Resides In: The Windy Turn-Ons: Girls wit’ a little style and ﬂare, a.k.a. huge riggs. Turn-Offs: Girls wit’ no goals or motivation for the future, a.k.a. fat and ugly bitches, don’t do it for me. Type of Rigg: 1992 Jeep Cherokee Limited named Big Hurt Burt which currently has a clothes hanger for an antenna, a broken back hatch, a busted bumper, and smells horrible. Special Talents: Sleepin’ days away. Favorite Beer: Bud Heavy Favorite Liquor: Whiskey(preferably Jack Daniel’s) Favorite Sexual Position: It don’t matter. THEY ALL GOOD!

Hobbies: Lazy man games(darts, pool, foos, washers, etc.), getting’ crunked.

D-Bomb

Age: 25 Height and Weight: 5’7” and 180 lbs. Is From: Jubil Court in South Saint Louis County. Currently Resides In: Oleatha Street in South Saint Louis City. Turn-Ons: Naked Turn-Offs: Clothed Type of Rigg: Doubt It. Special Talents: Plays wicked guitar and cooks up ﬁerce vittles. Favorite Beer: Shit, any will do, uh, Guinness. Favorite Liquor: Fuck. Whiskey. Favorite Sexual Position: In vagina. Hobbies: Bein’ in vagina, playin’ guitar, and culinary excellence.

Lonewolf

Age: 24 Height and Weight: 69” and 165 lbs. Is From: STL(south city what!) Currently Resides In: San Antonio, Lone Star State Turn-Ons: Cuss words, tolerance for alcoholism. Turn-Offs: N/A Type of Rigg: 2002 Mitsubishi Galante and a sweet skateboard. Special Talents: Enormous shot consumption,

gettin’ drunk, 3-D Vision(nice panties babe!). Favorite Beer: Dude-Weiser Favorite Liquor: Old Grandad Bourbon Whiskey(for now) Favorite Sexual Position: Me drunk and him/her passed out(or vice versa). Hobbies: Bein’ drunk and hangin’ wit’ Dudes/ babes.

8Bit

Age: 25 Height and Weight: 5’9” and 188 lbs. Is From: The ‘Bury Currently Resides In: South Side Turn-Ons: Russian Accents Turn-Offs: American Flag Merchandise Type of Rigg: 1991 Honda Accord wit’ 182,000 miles on her. Special Talents: Pretendin’ to care. Favorite Beer: The King Favorite Liquor: Jack Daniel’s Favorite Sexual Position: Doggy Style Hobbies: Havin’ Cancer

Anchor

Age: 24 Height and Weight: 5’11” and 197 lbs. Is From: Couth Saint Louis County Currently Resides In: South Saint Louis City Turn-Ons: Blondes who shave pussy. Turn-Offs: Fat chicks(I’ll Fuck anything) Type of Rigg: 1996 Geo Prizm Special Talents: Eat pussy like a champ. Favorite Beer: Bud Heavy Favorite Liquor: Kahlua Coffee Liqueur Favorite Sexual Position: I never get laid, but if I did, chick on top so she can get hers. Hobbies: Kickball and Pussy Cleaner.

Morty Munson

Age: 22 Height and Weight: 6’0” and 190 lbs. Is From: St. Louis, MO Currently Resides In: Richmond Heights, MO Turn-Ons: Drunk Broads and Lazy Broads. Turn-Offs: Sober women who think they’re better than me. Type of Rigg: Broken. Special Talents: Lazy eye and drinkin’. Favorite Beer: Stag and PBR. Favorite Liquor: Whiskey Favorite Sexual Position: All over. Hobbies: Sittin’ and drinkin’.

S-Squared

Age: 27 Height and Weight: 5’10” and 200 lbs. Is From: Connecticut Currently Resides In: A-Town wit’ A-Dawg Turn-Ons: Getting’ my balls played wit’. Turn-Offs: FAT CHICKS (YUCK) Type of Rigg: 1991 Toyota Camry Station Wagon Special Talents: Originator of the White Tornado amongst the Dudes. Favorite Beer: Newcastle Favorite Liquor: Tequila Favorite Sexual Position: Me holdin’ the girl, wit’ her back up against the wall. Hobbies: Dancin’ Dancin’ Dancin’

Root

Age: 25 Height and Weight: 5’7” and 145 lbs. Is From: Mat-tis Road and Highway 21 hood, SoCo Suburbia Currently Resides In: On the edge of the Boston Mountains in Fayetteville, AR Turn-Ons: Brunettes who die their hair some sort of reddish color, girls in camo who drive trucks, and metal chicks. Turn-Offs: Orangies, fake tits, bitches that want you to settle down. Type of Rigg: 1995 blue Chevy S-10 4x4. Special Talents: Bein’ Root. Favorite Beer: Hoegaarden Favorite Liquor: Jagermeister Favorite Sexual Position: Any as long as it is in a deer blind, tent, or anywhere in Dudes Outdoors. Hobbies: Poundin’ Heavies, backpackin’, ﬁshin’, huntin’, kickin’ the futball ‘round, and scopin’ whirleybird.

Lil’ Deryl

Age: 25 Height and Weight: 6’10” and 360 lbs. Offensive Lineman for the Baltimore Colts. Is From: SoCo Currently Resides In: San Luis Turn-Ons: Simpsons references. Turn-Offs: “Compassionate Conservatives”. Type of Rigg: Civy Special Talents: Masturbation

Favorite Beer: “Smooth-as-a-mountain-stream” SoCo

Busch. Favorite Liquor: Brownest of the Browns. Favorite Sexual Position: Reverse Cowgirl. Hobbies: Collectible Spoons

Dave-O

Age: 25 Height and Weight: 5’9” or something and 160 lbs. or something. Is From: St. Louis Currently Resides In: South City Turn-Ons: The feathery plumes of a peacock, things made wit’ buttermilk, mismatched socks, My Bloody Valentine(the band). Turn-Offs: Television, Presidential mispronunciation, and the Pixies. Type of Rigg: The bus, usually, but also my kid sister’s 1988 Volvo, which I’m borrowin’ over the Winter. Special Talents: Speakin’ truths deeper than the Apocalypse and passive aggression. Favorite Beer: Strongbow English Cider. Favorite Liquor: Knob Creek Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey Favorite Sexual Position: Right ﬁeld. Hobbies: Readin’ comics, not exercisin’, arguin’ wit’ Bunk-ley.

Co’ Slaw

Age: 25 Height and Weight: 5’7” and 165 lbs. Is From: Currently Resides In: SoCi(a.k.a. STL Ghetto) Turn-Ons: Hockey Turn-Offs: Basketball Type of Rigg: 1996 Ford Escort Special Talents: Nipple showin’ and havin’ a rubber arm. Favortie Beer: Busch Favorite Liquor: Tanqueray Favorite Sexual Position: Doggy Style Hobbies: Cloggin’ toilets wit’ my poop.

The Cable Monster

Age: Hard to tell, but rumor has it, as old as the toilet. Height and Weight: N/ A and N/A.

C.M. has never been on a scale or near a yardstick. Is From: Shit Creek Currently Resides In: The Bowl Turn-Ons: Bitches who lay lots of cable. Turn-Offs: Bitches who don’t lay lots of cable. Type of Rigg: None. Hasn’t left The Bowl in decades. Special Talents: Can count to ten in 4 different languages. Favorite Beer: Whatever makes Dudes shit the most(usually, STAG). Favorite Liquor: Any whiskey(they all induce Ass Piss). Favorite Sexual Position: Anything involvin’ ANAL, of couse! Hobbies: Holdin’ breath under water and noshin’ on Tubies.

Ran-Man

Age: 25 Height and Weight: 5’10” and 135 lbs. Is From: The Mullaly/Jubil party circle. Currently Resides In: The Rents basement in Douchebag Meadows subdivision. Turn-Ons: I like the way the line runs up the back of their stockings... Turn-Offs: No, no, no, don’t take ‘em off...don’t take ‘em off Type of Rigg: Ol’ car wit’ tires. Special Talents: I’m very proud of my bulletproof legs. Favorite Beer: My good pal Buddy-Weiser. Favorite Liquor: RUM Favorite Sexual Position: 69 while jumpin’ out of a B-25 J Mitchell Hobbies: Glue Snifﬁn’, i.e. model buildin’, i.e. hobby dork.

L-Vis

Age: 23 Height and Weight: 6’ and 160 lbs. Is From: Decatur, IL Currently Resides In: The Roadhouse in Olivette, MO Turn-Ons: Weirdoes, gadgetry, guitars, and sippin’ ﬁne drinks. Turn-Offs: Bitch-ass tricks.

Type of Rigg: A green 1997 Buick Century named Steve Mach II Turbo Championship Edition. Special Talents: Playin’ rock music and sippin’ ﬁne drinks. Favorite Beer: Red Stripe Favorite Liquor: Vodka mixes Favorite Sexual Position: Gettin’ real. Hobbies: Partyin’.

Reverend Norb

Age: 39, and I don’t expect that number to be increasin’ any time soon! Height and Weight: I used to be 6-footsomething and 138 lbs., but since I started drinkin’ again, I ballooned up to 150. For shame! Is From: Titletown, USA! Currently Resides In: Titletown, USA! I’m not motivated, but I am consistent! Turn-Ons: Asian chicks, multiple Asian chicks, multiple Asian chicks wit’ vibrators, multiple Asian chicks wit’ vibrators who let me ﬁlm them usin’ them, etc...I also like it when chicks wear Chucks in the sack! Turn-Offs: Hairy beave, the phrase “I’m not just some groupie chick, you know”. Type of Rigg: 2003 Packer-helmet-yellow Pontiac Sunﬁre named BAD YOLK! See “Dudes Riggs”. Special Talents: I can’t reach my right arm all the way ‘round my head and grab my right earlobe! Favorite Beer: Pabst Blue Ribbon, although I traditionally drink 40’s of Miller High Life wit’ Tocks. Favorite Liquor: Sparks Alcohol/Energy Drink!!! Favorite Sexual Position: Chick sittin’ on couch, me kneelin’ on ﬂoor. I just got a new couch, too, and it ain’t been broken in yet, ladies! Hobbies: Comic book collectin’, fantasy basketball geekdom, downloadin’ pictures of naked Asian chicks, et cetera, et cetera.

Dr. E.W.

Age: 22 Height and Weight: 5’9” and the165 lbs. neighborhood Is From: Saint Louis, Mo, USA Currently Resides In: St. Petersburg, Russia Turn-Ons: Women in business attire, healthy rumps, depravity. Turn-Offs: Bad hair, morals, Germans. Type of Rigg: 2001 Volvo S40 Special Talents: Memory Favorite Beer: Bud Heavy normally, but due to its unavailability, Baltika No’s 5 & 7. Favorite Liquor: Maker’s Mark Bourbon normally, but due to its unavailability, Flagman Vodka. Favorite Sexual Position: Reverse Cowboy. Hobbies: Makin’ photos, all things Russian, drinkin’, and travelin’.

J-Man

Age: 24 Height and Weight: 5’10” and 160 lbs. Is From: Desloge, Missouri Currently Resides In: South Saint Louis Turn-Ons: Sleazy chicks wit’ tattoos. Turn-Offs: Chicks who wear panties. Type of Rigg: 1989 Ford Ranger XLT Special Talents: Drawin’ Favorite Beer: Honey Brown

Favorite Liquor: Fighting Cock Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey Favorite Sexual Position: On the ﬂoor. Hobbies: Readin’ comic books.

Lars

Age: 19 Height and Weight: 5’10” 140 lbs.(soakin’ wet) Is From: South Saint Louis City Currently Resides In: S-Town, MO Turn-Ons: Chicks that wear Tweety Bird T-Shirts and Taz T-Shirts, and smoke Newports, ‘cause it makes their breath taste good when we’re makin’ out. Turn-Offs: Gold diggers and babes that don’t let you in The Stink Box. Type of Rigg: 1997 red Ford Escort named Car of Cash. Special Talents: Underage drinkin’, the ability to make water into wine, can play a mean kazoo, and the “best ﬁngers in town”. Favorite Beer: Pabst Blue Ribbon Favorite Liquor: David Nicholson 1843 bourbon whiskey. 100 Proof and distilled in St. Louis! Favorite Sexual Position: Passed out wit’ her in charge. Hobbies: Rockin’ out to bad jams and Dudes Earth.

Big Al

Age: 23 Height and Weight: 6’2” and 278 1⁄2 lbs. Is From: Affton, Missouri Currently Resides In: Missoula, Montana Turn-Ons: Full House-era

Mary Kate & Ashley and Moose Knuckles. Turn-Offs: Cubs fans, dread locks, petouli, jam bands, bluegrass, and VW buses. Type of Rigg: 1984 Yoter 4Runner named Lil’ Flip. Special Talents: I CAN DO THE WORM BITCHES! Favorite Beer: Smirnoff Raspberry Light-0 Calories(I’m watchin’ my weight), Kokanee, High Life, anything heavy. Favorite Liquor: Jameson Irish Whiskey Favorite Sexual Position: Bareback, ropin’, bullridin’ barrel racin’, healers, headers, anything rodeo. Hobbies: Rugby, rock n roll, gettin’ drunk, old timin’, general debauchery, etc.

Big Time Jr.

Age: 19 Height and Weight: 6’3” and 190 lbs. Is From: The Lou Currently Resides In: Bloomington, Indiana @ IU Turn-Ons: A ﬁrm booty, can hold their own when slammin’ brews from the ol’ AB w/ me, and a smokin’ hot grill. Turn-Offs: Smokin’, political correctness, and oh yeah... FAT CHICKS. Type of Rigg: Tan 1993 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera S 4-door, sportin’ a bumpin’ sound system for when ridin’ to mad tunes on the radio, comprising of the Alpine CDA-9813, a pair of MB-Quart 6 1⁄2” speaks in the rear, and 2 Audiobahn Eternal Series 12” subs peakin’ @ 4400w of power! Special Talents: Scored over 200 homeruns in kickball durin’ 8th grade year, wit’ only playin’ games for half of the school year due to bein’ banned after hittin’ several kids in the head wit’ the ball. Favorite Beer: Busch Favorite Liquor: Jack Daniel’s Favorite Sexual Position: Passed out Hobbies: Rockin’, drinkin’, bowlin’, billiards, lightning ball, quake 3, rollin’ in my ride, stickball, shootin’ guns, and liftin’.

Dirty Mick

Age: 23 Height and Weight: 5’10 1⁄2” and 174 lbs. Is From: Saint Louis, Missouri Currently Resides In: Fayetteville, North Carolina Turn-Ons: Tattoos, eyes, a full set o’ teeth, girls that know how to party, and are up front and honest. Turn-Offs: Wearin’ revealin’ clothes when you don’t have the body for it(I got a gut, and as a courtesy to others, I don’t walk ‘round without a shirt on), lyin’, stupid games, chicks that turn out to be Dudes. Type of Rigg: 2001 Dodge Durango Special Talents: Ability to pass-out anywhere, jump out of planes, and make outlandish claims(like that I invented undershirts, and that I served 3 tours of duty in Vietnam). Favorite Beer: Guinness Favorite Liquor: Whiskey(preferably Jameson). It makes me into Superman. Favorite Sexual Position: Girl on top. Hobbies: Goin’ to shows(whenever possible), gettin’ crunked, workin’ out, listenin’ to rock and roll!

Amika

Age: 24 Height and Weight: 5’10” and Ahhh...NO! Is From: Oakville(Jokeville), MO Currently Resides In: South Saint Louis City Turn-Ons: Facial Hair Turn-Offs: Turtlenecks Type of Rigg: Champagne-colored Toyota Camry Special Talents: Can write backwards Favorite Beer: Bud Heavy Favorite Liquor: Gin – All Types Favorite Sexual Position: Reverse Cowgirl Hobbies: Ham Radio

John Law at Issue 4 Release Party

From September of 1989 to March of 1993, this show gave us 97 episodes on ABC that justiﬁed a 16-year-old kid bein’ a medical doctor. He was a Princeton graduate and could prescribe medicine. On the other hand, he couldn’t yet buy beer. Talk about a wacky scenario. At Eastman Medical Center, Dr. Douglas “Doogie” Howser is a second year resident and works wit’ Chief of Services Dr. Benjamin Canﬁeld and fellow resident Dr. Jack McGuire. Doogie’s father, David, is also a doctor. Let’s just say that Doogie is surrounded by docs. Good thing too. I don’t know from experience, but I can only imagine that balancin’ the life of a boy genius and a regular kid is not easy.

Let’s not forget ‘bout Doogie’s Doogie Howser, M.D. what is was. dunce of a buddy, Vinnie Delpino.

While no one could ﬁgure out why a Vinnie helped keep Doogie in touch

child prodigy lived wit’ his parents, wit’ the teen world. And by the

the show had nowhere left to go way, Vinnie’s voice squeaked so

once Doogie turned 18, moved out much you would’ve thought he

of his parents’ house, and lost his was just getting’ his ﬁrst pubes or

virginity. There was even an episode something. But no, Vinnie Delpino

when Doogie got reunited wit’ his is a 16-year-old little Dude just like

former babysitter, possibly Chelsea Doogie. Lots of people think that

Noble of Growing Pains fame, and Max Casella, who played Vinnie,

they started neckin’ for a while. Talk was between the ages of 28 and 32

about creepy. What babysitter is when this show ﬁrst aired. He was

gonna neck wit’ her former babysitactually 22, while the other “kids”

tee? A bitchin’ one, that’s who.

were 16 or 17. I think probably the only reason Vinnie hung ‘round Doogie was ‘cause he was a doctor and Vinnie ﬁgured he’d get in on some of that grip one day. DOUBT IT! And I think the only reason Doogie hung out wit’ Vinnie was due to the fact that he was a 16year-old doctor. HE HAD NO TIME FOR FINDIN’ FRIENDS. He was too busy deliverin’ babies in shoppin’ malls. That actually did happen once!

Love interests on the sitcom were abundant. While Vinnie Delpino was getting’ down and dirty wit’ Janine Stewart, Doogie was salivatin’ over Wanda Plenn. This show had it all. Love, medicine, and pre-pubescent voices made One last thing ‘bout this show. Remember the computer diary that Doogie typed in at the end of every episode. Kind of like, “hey computer, here’s what unbelievable fucked-up shit happened to me today.” I guess all 16-year-old doctors keep computer diaries. I know I would.

8Bit Sounds Off

By 8Bit

“I Love America, Bit I Hate Toby Keith”

I can understand that after 9/11 people wanted to put American Flag stickers on their cars, but when did we decide to use the Flag design for fuckin’ everything? Shirts, pants, posters, guitars, pickup trucks, even boxer shorts that look like the American Flag. I wish I loved America so much that I could wrap the Flag ‘round my asshole and testicles(or testicle, dependin’ on your situation). If I’m lucky, maybe I’ll crap my pants, that’d be just like shittin’ on America!

And where the hell did all these ribbon magnets for your car come from? Yellow, pink, or camouﬂage ones that say “God Bless America: or “Support Our Troops”. I can hear the Soccer Moms now... “I bought a pink ribbon to put on our Ford Excursion and I’m pretty sure there’s peace in the Middle East now.” Thanks a lot Moron, it’s idiots like you that kept George W. in ofﬁce.

Take That!

By D-Bomb

Ya ever hear that blubby tub o’ shit Rush “The King O’ Contin” Limbaugh on his garbage radio show? He glubs on and on ‘bout “Dumbocrats” and drug abusers. This fat man is a hypocrite. He is in favor of the harshest punishments for drug abusers. Then, he gets busted and he is all, “Oh, pray for me. I have to enter rehab for the third time.” Fuck you fatty, you should rot behind bars just like you said those other people should. I actually heard the prick say that the solution to the “unsightly homeless” is to put them on prairie lands in Kansas and Nebraska ‘cause there is plenty of room. Die a slow, horrible, painful, ﬁery death you fuck. Take That Slush Limbaugh.

What Would You Do, Dude?

By Mr. Rin Tin Tin

1. It’s Saturday night and you want to get your party on, but all of your friends are bein’ lame and aren’t goin’ to do anything ‘cause they partied too hard the night before or some other bullshit(they probably are just huggin’ their dames). Do you:

A. Also stay home

being super loud and drunk, B. Go to one of their houses

he gets ﬁery and tells you to and do nothing together either shut-up or go home.

C. Hit the town solo Do You:

2. After decidin’ to hit the

A. Apologize and leave qui-town solo, you end up at a

etly local waterin’ hole that you

B. Pass out on the couch frequent and order a frosty

C. Throw some of the gear one. The night is young. Do

on his lawn from the cat-You:

tin’, since he is being a

douche(you don’t really need

A. Only have a few drinks on

it and you can get it later any-account of bein’ solo

way) and barrel away blastin’

B. Drink ‘til you get a little

the horn buzz, but are cool to drive

C. Pound Heavies like it’s Of course, the correct an-

your job

3. After you are completely Housed, a few dames walk in that look pretty good. Do You:

A. Not pay any attention to them and continue poundin’

B. Wait to see if they look at you before you make a move

C. Go right up to them, bein’ the obnoxious drunk that you are

4. Apparently it’s not cool to grope people you don’t know and you get kicked out of the bar. However, it is still not that late. Do You:

A. Let the bootin’ get to your melon and call it a night

B. Wait outside ‘til the dames come out

C. Say forget those broads, go pick up a 6’er, and do some alleycattin’

5. The merchandise in the alleys is plentiful and as you polish off your 6er, you score an old T.V., an old cabinet, and a bike. However, you are now out of Coldies. Do You:

A. Continue cattin’ sans Coldies

B. Take your gear home

C. Go over to your lame friend’s digs to cause a ruckus

6. After you barge into you friend’s pad, and are

swers are all C. In certain situations, a Dude might opt for B, but a True Dude wouldn’t, and neither should you!

Boof has always held a special place in my “heart”. Ever since that scene where she gets her freak on wit’ Scott Howard in the Dudes Classic Teen Wolf(1985), I have totally been losin’ it over her.

Perhaps the most appealin’ virtue of Boof is her “girl next door” persona. As you see in her portrayal in Teen Wolf, she is not the high school Prom-Bomb that all the Dudes in school are tryin’ to score wit’. She is more like the girl you hook up wit’ at the party when you are 12-deep and realize you ain’t gettin’ in Suzy Prom-Bomb’s panties(and you never will). But this doesn’t cheapen the Dudeliness of Boof. What I’m sayin’ is it takes a little longer to realize how Dudely Boof is. Suzy Prom-Bomb is a retarded slut. She will be pregnant by some douchebag before you know it. Now Boof on the other hand, she’s good for a conversation, a hand-job, and a ride home, after the party convinces you that it’s not cool to drive after you have already vomited all over yourself. That’s why Boof is nails! Plus, I already know she is down with wolves! On a full moon, Boof better stay away from this wolf. HOOOWWWWLLLLL!

Peg Bundy is dope. I never understood why Al never wanted to hit that shit. Sure her hair was big and annoyin’, but hell, the basement is always more fun than the attic! How can you resist a sexy babe like that? Especially a babe who was so hard up for some Dudes Athletics. Red hair is pretty dope, too. Which begs Nighthawk’s favorite question: Is the carpet the same color as the drapes?(See My Two Moms record) Boy, I wish I knew. Don’t we all wish we knew? She is a damn-sexy toon, too. As all Dudes are aware, Katey Sagal(Peg) provides the voice of Turanga Leela on Futurama. And, of course, she’s a dime(perfect 10) on that show too. What is more sexy than a ﬁne toon?

A ﬁne, Cyclops toon! I must admit, I generally don’t get off on Cyclops babes. But Leela proves that you don’t have to have two eyes to be a totally nail-able gash. Once again, the basement is always more fun than the attic! Take that shit to the grave brah!

Fun Fact #4

(Courtesy of S-Squared)

The Anchor has several phone numbers of Dudes on his Social Security card.

Jay-Z Dan K.

John Kruk 8Bit

Jonny Damon O.D.B.

Busey Nolte

Hot New Supplement to Dudes Dives for Issue 5 “Douche Dives”

In this edition of Dudes Dives, I would like to offer a handy guide for Dudes everywhere: Beware the Douche Dive! The Douche Dive is a place no self-respectin’ Dudes should ever set foot into, unless of course, you have sufﬁcient hair gel, a smart Metrosexual collared shirt, a clean-shaven face, and a bottle of cologne on. If that description doesn’t give away the clientele, then this one will: they are douchebags! The bars these D’bags rock have little to no qualities of the Dudes Dive. They may be dark, but they lack a genuine dank. This is merely a way for Dushles to hide their date-rape tactics as they slip just the right amount of GHB into a douchette’s drink. Also, the music selection will range from Dave Matthews Band to whatever the fuck is popular at the time on Z107.7 FM(shitty Saint Louis radio station). Outrageous prices(don’t fall for those “penny pitcher” traps; they only aim to steal your Dudely soul), annoyin’ “Whooooo”-girls, and unDudely fratboy attitudes make the fuckin’ spots closed for Dudes Business.

This is merely a taste of St. Louis’ lowlights in the Douche Dive scene:

M.P. O’Reilly’s Laclede Street Humphrey’s All of Laclede’s Landing come to think of it, and any bar your SLU friend says in regard to it, “hey, let’s just stop in for a few beers and some Tequila.” (Douche Dives Ratin’: 0 Pitchers[out of 5])

Dudes Dives Memories...

-Super’s Bungalow, Spring ’04 – Dad gets blind-sided-walloped by a drunken hag wit’ a shufﬂeboard puck to the head. Whoa, he shoulda scored that last slide a deuce. Beware the wrath of the Bungalow Shufﬂe-Bitch!

-19th Hole, Summer ’04 – Rock returns to the Hole. No, it’s not Deer Street, it’s the 8Bit beneﬁt. Pyrotechnics, piles of coke on top of piles of hookers, riotin’ in the crowd! Reality or a Rumplemintz-induced dream?

In this new section of Dudes Mag, Dad(a.k.a. the Anchor) will go off on several people, things, events, etc. for your amusement. And, if you’re lucky, he might just mention something he likes.

1 – George W. Bush and the 2004 Presidential

Election(focusin’ on Missouri)

This election year, early November was once again election time, and for some reason, the voters of America re-elected George W. Bush. What a shame. I am embarrassed to live in Missouri, a state that has now twice voted in the majority for this prick. What the hell Missouri?!?! This is an utter disgrace. I can’t conceive how the voters believed that Bush and his constituents did a good job the last 4 years. When you let morons/ conservative Christians run the country, this catastrophe is bound to happen. As for all those people who believe they are young Republicans, NEWS FLASH – you’re not young Republicans; you’re just a bunch of ASSHOLES!

2 – Ceiling Fans

Why do people have ceiling fans installed, or move into livin’ quarters where there are ceiling fans and not use them? I don’t get this. Fans are energy efﬁcient, low maintenance, and easy to turn on. I hate goin’ somewhere where it’s hot as balls, and there are 4 ceiling fans, but none of them are in use. S-Squared / Dr. E.W., are you too good for ceiling fans?

3 – SHAQ

I hate you and your 40 fuckin’ cars! You are a huge Piece of Shit who can’t shoot free
throws. You travel every time you get the ball, and all you can do is slam dunk. That’s great. If I was 7’ and 350 lbs., I would be tearin’ you up in the NBA. However, years of smokin’ stunted my growth and the fact that I am white, well we’ll
just leave it at that. Conclusion: YOU SUCK!

(Side Note: Lonewolf is BUNK for rootin’ for SHAQ. Come on, haven’t you ever seen Kazaam[1996]?)

4 – NBA

While we are on the topic of the NBA, I have a few suggestions to help your pitiful game, which has no execution or defense. 1) No one under the age of 20 should be in the league. 2) Each team can only have 2 young players(ages 20-23). 3) More diversity. 4) More fan/player interaction(that ﬁght in Detroit was fantastic).

4 – NHL

Dad needs sports to live. I bleed blue, and I need hockey, even though the Blues would’ve sucked this year. On the other hand, this gives me adequate time to get taint deep wit’ whirleybird. I love the ladies, but sports come ﬁrst.

5 – Lindsay Lohan

Daddy Likes. I would love to give her Fifth Base, turn her ‘round, make her taste her asshole, and then titty fuck the bejesus out of her. That big titty bitch is fuckin’ hot!

Let me ﬁrst start by tellin’ all Dudes that this party was off the chain! The date was October 16, 2004. The place was J-Squared’s house, a.k.a. Team Tuf Headquarters. The point of the party was to allow My Two Moms to play their CD release show. This particular band consists of L-Vis, a.k.a. Mario Miscarriage on guitar, D-Bomb, a.k.a. C-Section Steve on bass, and yours truly on drums and lead vocals. My band name is Jason Abortion. After a 2-year hiatus, we recorded a 30-song CD in 3 days and needed to release it. The name of the CD is “Coming In Ten Years” ‘cause we aren’t gonna record or play any shows for 10 years on purpose. It’s sort of a really stupid joke. We made 100 copies of the album and practiced a 10-song set a couple of times before the party. Everything was set. We were dressed in drag, Dudes Bar was open, and there were lots of people at J-Squared’s. things, events, etc. for your amusement. And, if you’re lucky, he might just mention something he likes.

I was ‘bout 10 Heavies deep when I got there. Mario was so drunk he couldn’t even stand up on his

own. And it was only 11 p.m. It was gonna be a earlier was gone. I ﬁgured, oh well, and decided great night! After I took off my underwear, we the only thing I had left to do was drink more played the 10-song set in front of a packed base-and continue exposin’ myself to anyone and ment. It was the biggest

everyone at the party. crowd My Two Moms had

And I thought I’d try and ever played to before.

sell a few CD’s as well. I’ll When all was said and

get back to that part of done, we fucked up every

the story later. Bein’ shitsong except for 1 or 2 of

faced and not havin’ any them. The Spiders went

undies on underneath a on to play after us. Appar

knee-high dress is only ently, not many people

askin’ for it wit’ me. Any-watched them and they

one that walked by me split almost immediately

got a full shot of my junk. after they rocked. This

It only got worse after a prevented us from playin’

few shots on the house our planned second set.

encouraged me to dance This was gonna be the on top of the pool table set that we played once the three of us couldn’t wit’ girls I didn’t know. Almost on command, I stand up anymore. But when I stumbled down found myself takin’ my prick and rubbin’ it on the stairs to make sure everything was set, I some girl’s ass. Several Dudes were sick of my noticed all the equipment that we had played on cross-dressin’, dick-showin’ bullshit and decided to throw bottles off the felt and try and get them to nail me in the crotch on the bounce up. Thankfully none of them made contact wit’ my pole. This whole time, there was lots of wrestlin’ goin’ on in front of the house. I can’t say front yard ‘cause there’s no grass. But there is mud and hay, which makes for a great sight. You see, anything goes at J-Squared’s parties ‘cause he has no neighbors. His whole block has been torn down to make way for condominiums. Across the street is an Interstate. The cops never get called or patrol the street. It’s great!

It seemed like countless times that I “stage-dived” off the pool table and usually landed on the wood ﬂoor and most often, hit something on the way down. One particular time, I smashed my forehead on something, ‘cause the next day I had a gash a couple inches above my right eyebrow. The fuckin’ headache was no fun either. And I wasn’t the only one showin’ sex organs at the party. 2 or 3 whirleybirds showed their tits

multiple times. And I think these very same sluts were nice enough to play tonsil hockey wit’ a number of different Dudes. Why didn’t I get any? I was too busy lookin’ for my jacket. This takes us into the “worst night of my life” part of the story.

Because I was wearin’ a dress, I needed

my leather

jacket to keep my license,

money, keys, and smokes

in. After dancin’ for awhile,

I was hot and took off the

leather. When I next needed

a smoke, I went to where

I had put my jacket. It was

gone! My Nighthawk leather

jacket(Issue 4 back cover) had

been grifted! I went berserk.

I was kickin’ walls and trash-cans in anger. Once I was settled down by a few Dudes, the hunt was on. We looked everywhere. It was ancient history. Some prick probably saw me sellin’ CD’s earlier and stufﬁn’ money in my pocket. When that prick saw me set it down, he took it. Or, he noticed I was not wearin’ it anymore, and looked for it. Upon griftin’ it, he bolted. He probably trashed the leather to make it worse. The crook could’ve at least left my keys. I had to catch a ride the next day to my house to get my spare and go back to get my rigg. Then I had to get a new license and bank card. Talk ‘bout BUNK CITY! And it turns out that another Dude got his jacket grifted and some shithead tried stealin’ one of J-Squared’s guitars. He saw the kid walkin’ out wit’ his axe and went out after him. And some riggs got their tires slashed. Where do these pricks come from?

Anyway, all Dudes are ofﬁcially on red alert. If anyone sees some asshole wearin’ a leather jacket wit’ NIGHTHAWK spraypainted in white on the back of it, knock out his(or her) teeth and get the jacket back to me. Bottom line: You can’t set anything down anymore, no matter where you are. Also, this was deﬁnitely the best party I’ve been to in a long-ass time. Party on J-Squared and FUCK YOU to whoever stole my jacket!

D-Bomb and the Anchor at the Bella Villa PD in Bella Villa, MO

Anchor gets his Rock on.

D-Bomb and Big J Nosh On Bear Claws Funks Grove, Illinios

Root at Woody Guthrie’s Grave in Okie, Oklahoma SHARK ATTACK In Destin, Florida

Tom Arnold

Born – March 6, 1959 Eldon, Iowa

BUNK FLICKS

Hero(1992) Douchebag! Undercover Blues(1993) There’s a baby in it! Nine Months(1995) CHICK FLICK!!! McHale’s Navy(1997) Doubt It! Big Bully(1996) Rick Moranis loses credibility for doin’ this one!

DUDELY FLICKS Coneheads(1993) Can’t argue wit’ this one. Soul Plane(2004) OFF THE CHAIN! Body Bags(1993) (TV) BITCHIN’ HOROR FLICK!

(IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT TOM ARNOLD WAS MARRIED TO

Has anyone ever pissed you off so bad that you simply had to spite them? If so, I recommend these useful gems for revenge.

1 – Finger your butt hole, then stir their drink wit’ your dirty ﬁnger when they aren’t lookin’. 2 – Shave or trim your pubes wit’ their beard trimmer. This is subtle, but funny nonetheless. 3 – A classic Tea Bag while they are passed-out can settle any gripe, and it just might end up as a “Tea Bag O’ the Month” in the next Issue of Dudes Mag. 4 – Fondle a dog in heat, then rub your hands on the asshole in question, and invite him over to Co’ Slaw’s house so Bachus can molest him. 5 – Fuck their mom/sister/grandmother. Or, attempt a foursome wit’ all three.

Dude Got Served

Recent Servings Handed to Nighthawk

August 12, 2004 – At an A&W vittlery in McAlester, Oklahoma, Nighthawk strolled in wit’ his Dudes Vators on. The bitch workin’ the counter said, “Honey, that is neither bad, nor cool.”, and told him to take his shades off.

August 16, 2004 – In the wee hours of the morn’, at a Best Western in Atoka, Oklahoma, Nighthawk threw up in the sink in his and Lars’ room. Apparently, the Hawk was all Iced-Up.

October 16, 2004 – (SELFSERVED) Nighthawk cut his forehead open while “stage- divin’” off of JSquared’s pool table.

October 16, 2004 – Also on this night, some prick stole Nighthawk’s leather jacket. In the pockets were roughly $50 in cash, a disposie, a pack of smokes, a lighter, car keys, his license, and bank card. See The Best and The Worst Night of My Life –October 16, 2004

for more info on this, and the precedin’ servin’

Dude.

November 13, 2004 – After 2 White Russians, talkin’ to Waller, a sixer of Heavies, and a whole oven pizza, Nighthawk threw up in his rigg while cruisin’ on the Double Nickel, tryin’ to get to the D.O.A. and Methadones show. He had to go back home and change clothes and clean up the rigg a bit before headin’ back to the show.

Overall, Nighthawk doesn’t get served very often. But when servings like the aforementioned happen, it’s hard to ignore them. Next time you’re out and you see Nighthawk, buy him a Heavy and tell him it’ll be alright.

What’s the Deal Wit’ Super-Long T’s???

Nighthawk wit’ a Dude who could’ve used a Super-Long T, a.k.a. Robert Wadlow, a.k.a. The Alton Giant(8’11.1” and 490 lbs.)

As a Dude on the go, rarely do I have the time or money to go to a decent restaurant for lunch, and I am much too lazy to make lunch for myself. Since I eat a lot of fast food, instead of an apple a day it’s a Quarter Pounder a day. I thought that I could review some of the garbage can eateries and pass the information along to you Dudes so that you can make an informed decision the next time you’re gonna get your eat on.
a hard worker and does not pay his child support. Quality of Food: Pretty good for

(all prices listed are after tax)

Taco Bell

fast food. Burger was meaty and cheesy, and the ketchup is 2 nd Beef and Potato Burrito and Two to none.

Soft Tacos - $3.49

Cleanliness: The dinin’ room was

Quality of Service: Poor. I waited ﬁlthy. Instead of gossipin’, the 5 minutes before anyone came workers should’ve been vacu

up to take my order and I was umin’ or wipin’ down the tables.

the only person in there. I waited The bathroom wasn’t much bet-

another 5 minutes to get my food which came in a bag even though I clearly ordered my vittles for here. Quality of Food: Flavorless piles of mush in undercooked tortillas. The food was even harder to digest while listenin’ to the shitty music that was playin’. Fuckin’ Creed and the Wallﬂowers; who listens to this shit? Cleanliness: The dinin’ room was clean all around. The bathroom though, needed some work. There was something that looked like vomit in the sink.

Jack In the Box

Ultimate Cheeseburger and French Fries - $4.90 Quality of Service: Not too bad, although while I was eatin’, several employees were talkin’ loudly at the counter. They were cussin’ ‘bout a co-worker named Robert, who apparently is not

ter. It needed to be mopped and there was shit wiped on the walls. And they had a fuckin’ Air Dryer instead of paper towels!

Arby’s

Beef and Cheddar Sandwich and Giant Size Curly Fries - $5.61 Quality of Service: Excellent. The girl who took my order was very friendly and had a Russian accent. “Hellosh, vould you like me to sit on face, so you can munch my roast beef?” Quality of Food: Beef and Cheddar was good, but could’ve used a little more cheddar. The Curly Fries were excellent. Cleanliness: The dinin’ room was spotless. The bathroom was also very clean, before I got in there and got to Make Gravy.

Burger King

Spicy Tendercrisp Sandwich and French Fries

- $5.76 Quality of Service: Sub-par. The guy who took my order was annoyed that he had to stop hittin’ on a hen co-worker to take my fuckin’ order. Quality of Food: The sandwich was good and spicy. Spicy enough to make my nose run a little bit. The Fries were all right. Cleanliness: Bad. How hard is it for somebody to take a broom and fuckin’ sweep up? There was some very informative grafﬁti in the bathroom, and apparently, “George Bush is an Ass-hole” and “Steve was here”.

McDonald’s

Quarter Pounder with Cheese and French Fries

-$4.43 Quality of Service: Absolutely terrible. I was standin’ at the counter waitin’ to order while 3 employees stood there lookin’ at each other, waitin’ for someone else to take my order. Quality of Food: Also terrible. The burger was burnt, and I’m sure the head honchos at Donny’s try to make it as difﬁcult for these idiots to fuck-up while cookin’, but at McD’s, they’re ma-kin’ a better idiot everyday. I’m lovin’ it my ass. Cleanliness: Alright I guess, and they had TV’s in the dinin’ room, so you can stare at the Idiot Box while you’re eatin’. The bathroom was in alright shape, except there were no paper towels; just a fuckin’ Air Dryer.

So there you have it Dudes. Now, if you have actually read this whole article, you should feel a little stupider. ‘Cause you just read my analysis of the shitty lunches I’ve had for a week.

“Thickburger Review”

By Morty Munson

Hello fellow Dudes. As you may or may not know, I have been A.W.O.L. for some time now. It is on the account of 1- inaccessibility, due to Dudes not knowin’ how to get ahold of me and 2- every time I run into any of the Dudes, I drink too much to know where I am in the mornin’ and forget what I had to do. So any way, down to brass tacks.

The Hardee’s Thickburger

The Thickburger comes in 3 main sizes: 1/3 lb., 1⁄2 lb., and 2/3 lb., or the Wee-Dude, the Hey-Dude, and the Woah-Dude. Now, don’t get me wrong; Dee’s is by far not an excellent eatin’ establishment, and I was as skeptical as the next Dude to try one of these burgers. But, I was glad I did in the long run. My Thickburger of choice is the Woah-Dude(2/3 lb.) wit’ bacon. I ﬁnd that it is an excellent meal on the go. Tips for eatin’: this must include deﬁnite use of both hands, or you’ll ﬁnd yourself eatin’ all bun and no burg, which is very bogus. Thick burgers are usually served at eatin’ temperature, there is no need for coolin’ advice here, but if the need should occur, simply cut in half and separate. Be sure to have plenty o’ Nappies. Dee’s likes to pile on the condiments, which leak out the back and onto your hands. After that, enjoy!!!

This burg will surely satisfy the appetite of any Dude. If extra ﬂavor is needed, a layer of seasoned curly fries will do the trick, and I ﬁnd placin’ them on the bottom is the best way to go. Thickburgers also come wit’ the option of bein’ wrapped in lettuce, as opposed to a bun for low-carb options. If you should choose this, refer to L-Vis’ article ‘bout high schoolers in Issue 4 on page 12, titled Everyone Who Hasn’t Graduated from High School Yet Is A Jerk. Find these pansies and get your gay-ass kicked!

Fun Fact # 5

(Courtesy of Lil’ Deryl)

Dudes who drink Smirnoff Ice malt beverages, have sex wit’ each other.

Alright, I know I’m not a Dude, but havin’ spent so much time in Dudes Company, I deﬁnitely know how to spot one ... and Dudes are ANIMALS!!! They’re loud, hairy, smelly, eat gross shit(J-Man), and lay cable a whole bunch. So I ﬁgured it was ‘bout time we give a big shout out to those animals that are deemed Dudely.

First off, the Hippopotamus. The hippo is AWESOME!! Just sayin’ his name makes me giggle, and this Dudely behemoth is fat. Hippos usually tip the scales at ‘bout 1 to 3 tons and are 13 feet long on average. The great “river horse” has razor sharp teeth that can crush a human head like a rotten melon. The hippo may look nice, but they are probably the most dangerous animal in Africa. They are aggressive and easily enraged, and in a short distance race, they can beat you Dude. But the best part ‘bout ‘em is their tail. It is a fecal blender that breaks up shit as it shoots out of their big gray asses. It’s a “cable cuisinart” that can shoot shit up to 15 feet. AWESOME!!!

Second, Dudes are nocturnal. Let me start by sayin’ that I don’t care for birds, but the Owl is not a bird; it is a carnivorous killin’ machine. They swoop in super quietly, and can easily sneak up on its prey. Owls nosh on rodents, insects, frogs, and other birds (crazy cannibals). They take larger prey and rip it up into chunks and then cough up the inedible parts like hair, bones, exoskeletons, and feathers into nasty little “owl pellets”. That, Dudes, would be the grossest thing to see splatter if you just honked all over the ﬂoor.

Finally, Dudes dig relaxin’, and who knows more ‘bout relaxin’ than a Sloth? NO ONE!! They are found mostly in Central and South America. These things are sooooooo ssslllooooowwwwwww!!! Worse than Fat Fat getting’ ready on a Friday night. They live in trees(mostly

almond trees) and only come down to shit on it

so it stays fertilized, so they can keep noshin’.

These things are also so

dirty that algae grows on

them, but in return, it helps

to camouﬂage their pres

ence. Sloths have long

claws that help them stay put while they sleep for 15 hours a day. The claws are also supposed to help them defend themselves against predators, like jaguars and eagles, but at their speed, they are a lost cause. So good luck, Mr. Sloth.

So next time you’re at the zoo, or just getting’ your chill on, remember Dudes ... live like an ANIMAL!!!

***ALL FACTS ARE TRUE AND BASED UPON MY KNOWLEDGE. NO ACTUAL RESEARCH WAS PERFORMED FOR THIS ARTICLE***

Here’s a little background info ‘bout the slurds in this all new featured advice column, written and drawn by me, Skitt, a.k.a. O.P.S.D. – Older Perverted Stoner Dude! My record rock skip is 19 skips on the Current River upstream, fellow skippin’ Dudes. Also, quite talented in the photo-graphie and crunch-munch guitar categories. I must tell you I feel tingly all over ‘cuz these ﬁctitious bitches are comin’ to life. What a dream cum true these 3 are! They all love musicians, so start practicin’ something Dudes. All of these Horn Dogs are neurotic ‘bout the pursuit of ﬁllin’ full their oriﬁces, which makes them easy scores. But they are still romantic. If there is beer spilled on the ﬂoor and they’re kneelin’ in it, suckin’ a dick or two makes the experience special to them.

nia Hippy-Freak-Cool beautiful Brunette, Now Becca, a simply

Strips Down to the maybe weighs 90

Fur patch Outﬁt, and lbs. Not a tit in sight

sweats her hairy pits or ass to speak of. 6

off. (Note: Sweet o’clock on the dot.

Sweat is the perfect She’s still stuck up ‘til

lube for anal penetrashe’s fuckin’. Hates

tion. Try catchin’ your smoke, doesn’t drink,

own honey after a eats like a bird, loves

July Jog for a Night nature, and is very

Cap. That shtegz is peaceful. Well, she

shtanky!) OD’d on LSD when she was 16 years-

Now Charity, this old. It was 4 years

bleach blonde white

ago, and she burned some serious neurons, so she doesn’t get it. In fact, her anal neuroticism stems from this LSD incident, ‘cuz she’s clean. Hair, nails, body, clothes, no make-up, paint, nothing. She’s freaked on dirt, but will let rockin’ Dudes shoot shtegz anywhere on her, and she rubs it in like Cleopatra, ‘cuz it nourishes the skin naturally. Will still eat Shrooms ‘cuz Mother Earth grew them for us. And she has a Happy Day Dead-Danchin’ Like a Califor

trash girl is a Mid

west slutty bird who’s broke-ass stays alive by hustlin’ us poor music Dudes for beer, BBQ, and BUNK! Bums smokes, but it’s cool ‘cuz we know the pussy’s comin’ soon. She got hooked on amphetamines at an early age, like the 7th grade, when she was masterin’ the art of burn out. Smokes Marlboro’s, drinks any beer, buys cheap shit for herself. BITCH! This Dirtleg Hoosier dresses for the party. Killer body, rarely eats, but when she does, pigs out on any junk/fast food in massive quantities, which bulges her belly up to form that legs back 3-lined cum catcher that hides her navel. She will suck dick for chocolate, wit’ chocolate, and by chocolate. She looks a little skanky ‘cuz of the periodic Oral Herpes Hairstyle and Make-up, so look out. She knows the underground tour scene and has been nationwide 3 times now. She loves to party and gets fucked-up livin’ for the day. She is a fearless leader. Her pace is intense when she’s up, but sleeps like Mama Bear when she’s down. Double Penetration gets this beat-up slurd off.

Born Japanes-American and raised by her adopted wealthy parents in uptown Manhattan, Stephanie Woo, is a stoner to the resin! Pot, opium, and hash. Takes herbal supplements and eats Health food. She is very intelligent wit’ a Bachelor’s of Science. She’s quite political, and a conservative, frugal motherfucker, which is cool ‘cuz the money she saves from buyin’ her clothes from the Goodwill goes to Room-n-Board and partyin’ for the girls. Her mom and dad send her money Western Union at the drop of a hat, anywhere in the U.S. the girls are. Big chunks like $5,000 at a time. She is Bi-Sexual and likes Blurds(Bi-Sexual Slurds) too! But ridin’ dick wit’ her tiny, yet round soft tan body, is her hip swirlin’ forte. She is quite eccentric and artsy fartsy. Buys and drags ‘round paintings and sculptures ‘til she mails them home. She looks a little sinister wit’ the Goth make-up, but kinky hot just the same. The sweeter you rock, the more pressure she applies wit’ her pubes. I forgot she’s got big brown nips on little tits.

Now the crew has formed an advice column, so if you have any questions for the girls ‘bout unsafe sex, drug abuse, world issues, or the underground music scene, write to shmittndunn@cs. com and they will hope to answer you letters in the upcomin’ Issues of Dudes Mag. You don’t have to be a music Dude to get a response. Slurds, please write in as well. Turd slurds preferred. Thanks for scopin’ Dudes Mag.

Dear Dude,

I now ﬁnd myself in a bit of a pickle ‘cause recently my rigg, a 1989 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme, bit the big one. It was a very sad day for me. My rigg had seen herself through many good times, road trips, runnin’ over stuff, and a little bit of Foggin’ Up the Windows. But, besides the emotional downsides to losin’ my rigg, I am also in a jam ‘cause, obviously, I have lost my main means of transport. Now I don’t know how I will be able to get to and fro the Salt Mines, as well as to local waterin’ holes and other Dudes’ pads in order to party down.

I have done as was suggested

common one for Dudes ‘cause, in previous Issues and parked

as you know, no Dudes have my rigg at the bottom of my

“new” riggs that are in “good” parents’ driveway, but I need

condition. Every Dude has to to ﬁnd someone to chauf

accept the fact that his rigg could feur my ass around. The

go down at anytime and just idea of takin’ the bus or the

hope that it doesn’t happen at Gym Shoe Express crossed

an inconvenient time, i.e. when my mind, but there are few

the Dude is too strapped to get routes that go by my digs and

his rigg ﬁxed or get some new it is too far to hoof it, there

wheels(which of course is never fore it would take forever to

not the case). But, you already get anywhere. As a Dude,

know this and now you have I refuse to wake up hours

to squeeze some rides out of before I have to clock in at the

someone. First off, I would work

Mines just so I can make it on time. I am truly in a jam, what should I do? How did Nighthawk manage when his rigg of the same name went down?

Sincerely, Riggless Dude

Riggless Dude,

The problem you are dealin’ wit’ is not an un

your Rents and Sibs. Since they are blood, they will feel obligated to help you in your time of need. Maybe you will be able to grift your old man’s rigg from time to time or maybe they will be able to cart you to and fro the Mines. If your Fam is unable to part with their riggs and/or has no time to drive you ‘round ‘cause they are themselves busy at the Mines, then you might next try your co-workers. Since they are goin’ to and fro the same place, maybe they would be willin’ to pick your ass up. But, however, if they do not live close to you then you will probably have to offer them some cash(or sexual favors if it is a hen) in order for them to agree to help you ‘cause, as you said before, they don’t want to wake up earlier than they have to either. It is unfortunate that you might have to buck up, but it is money that you would be spendin’ on petro anyway if your rigg was up to par and besides, you can just keep tellin’ them that you will give it to them later, after the next paycheck, and maybe they will forget. As far as getting’ your party on goes, you will have to count on your fellow Dudes or your hen if you have one(unlikely). Once again, your fellow Dudes might want compensation especially if you are riggless for an extended period. But, no matter what, you must make sure to call up other Dudes early in the night if you want to have any chance of being picked up. Unfortunately, you will be at the mercy of the other Dudes’ schedules, i.e. they will decide when the partyin’ begins and ends. If all else fails and you are unable to get to work, then you can do what you have always wanted to do: QUIT! Though this will make it difﬁcult to get a new rigg, it will feel good and you don’t really have a choice anyway. So Dude, you can either do as Nighthawk did and sucker your friends and co-workers into cartin’ you ‘round or you could quit the Mines and spend your days watchin’ the Idiot Box. It’s up to you Dude!

Good Luck, Dude

Drunk Meeter: How Drunk Are You

By D-Bomb

So you think you’re fucked-up, huh? Well, we’ll see ‘bout that! MATCH THESE TERMS WIT’ THE DESCRIPTIONS BELOW DRUNK SHIT-FACED GONE CRUNKED WIPED SLICK (DRUNK is the lowest level of intoxication and WIPED SLICK is the highest)

1 – A Dude walks into a bar after the Mines. He has 3 dub-shots of whiskey, goes home, does a bong rip, nails his old lady, and passes out. This Dude is: __________.

2 – A Dude gets off work on a Saturday at 10 p.m. He parties ‘til seven in the mornin’, doesn’t sleep, and goes back into the Mines. When said Dude gets off this shift, he drinks ‘til he passes out and wakes up in the parkin’ lot of the OZ(shitty East Saint Louis nightclub). This Dude is: __________.

3 – A Dude plays Asshole(card game) for 4 hours. Durin’ this time, he ﬁnishes a ‘Teener, rocks a nosh at The Tock, and passes out. This Dude is: __________.

4 – A Dude watches a meanin’less baseball game by himself on a Sunday and whacks down a 12’er in the process. This Dude is: __________.

5 – A Dude burns 2 bowls of that Shrek, has six Caucasians, 8 shots of Bag Wine, and a healthy pull of MD 20/20. This Dude is: __________.

Dudes Word Scramble

By Nighthawk

1 – OSIPTRSTOT _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 2 – SLEGDI _ _ _ _ _ _ 3 – RXMULTAEOES _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

4 – CWTHSI	THI	_ _ _ _ _ _	_ _ _
5 – SHDUEO	_ _ _ _ _ _
6 – DLENARS	_ _ _ _ _ _ _
7 – DSELROI	NOWD _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
8 – HDEUSLS	_ _ _ _ _ _ _

9 – KTHCEIT _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 10 – WFOL TDO _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Name That Dude

By D-Bomb

Provided is a nickname for each Dude. Fill In the each Dude’s real name.

1 – Squirrel _ _ _ _

2 – Nighthawk _ _ _ _ _

3 – Bombarino _ _ _

4 – The Vagina _ _ _ _ _

5 – Mantall _ _ _ _ _

6 – The Bear _ _ _ _

7 – Mr. Rin Tin Tin _ _ _ _

Dudes Horoscope

By Mr. Rin Tin Tin

Aries (March 21-April 19) – You will meet new challenges this month (4 months), just handle them like any Dude would, in the utmost Dudely Fashion.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Meet up wit’ some other Dudes and get your chill on. These Dudes could help inﬂuence your future, or at least you can get slammed. SHOOT!

Gemini (May 21-June 20) – You should consider startin’ a Dudely money-makin’ venture, such as makin’ porn or brewin’ moonshine. Even if you don’t proﬁt ﬁnancially, you’ll have a blast!

Cancer (June 21-July22) – Be careful not to make a Dudes Blunder. Don’t be a D-bag, or other Dudes might shun you.

Leo (July 23-August 22) – You will be tempted to cheat on your dame. Sure she might never ﬁnd out, but if she does you will be completely Taintless.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) – Dudely moves have been numerous for you lately, so keep her goin’ but don’t let it get to your melon, or you will fall to an UnDudely Level.

Libra (September 23-October 22) – Do what you want to do Dude, no matter what other Dudes and dames think. But don’t half-ass it, GIT-RDUN!

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) – Drop everything and hit the road. You deserve it Dude, you have been bustin’ your hump at the Mines.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

– Though you have been frustrated lately, it’s all gravy. Things will soon swing your way and you will soon again be in a Dude’s state of bliss.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) – Be suspicious of other Dudes’ proposals. Don’t lend anyone greenbacks ‘cause you will never see them again.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) – Though the Mines are really draggin’ you down, don’t skip out. If you do, you might get canned and thus have no funds to get canned and such.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) – Do something nice for a Dude you know, maybe pick up some Coldies and a ﬂick, and drop by his pad. It will be good for both of you and you will get crunked. DANG!

Dudes Picks

Bad Jams O’ the Month

D.J. lets it all out

Nighthawk: “I’m Not In Love” – Screeching Weasel Mr. Rin Tin Tin: “Heart and Soul” – Huey Lewis and the News D-Bomb: “I Got A Woman” – Ray Charles Lonewolf: “Cough/Cool” – Misﬁts 8Bit: “The Heat Is On” – Glenn Frey Anchor: “Parents Just Don’t Understand” – DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince Morty Munson: “Rock Candy” – Montrose S-Squared: “Nasty Girl” – Nitty Root: “Two Good Men” – Woody Guthrie Lil’ Deryl: “More Than a Feeling” – Boston Dave-O: “Great Ghosts” – The Microphones Co’ Slaw: “Thunderstruck” – AC/DC Cable Monster: “If You Gotta Go, Go Now”

–: Bob Dylan Ran-Man: “Life During Wartime” – Talking Heads L-Vis: “Big Head Baby” – Bunnygrunt Reverend Norb: “Sticky Death Molecule” LP
–: The Wildebeests Dr. E.W.: “Grappling Hook” – Bricklayer J-Man: “Long Tall Sally” – Little Richard Lars: “Once in a Lifetime” – Talking Heads Big Al: “A Little Less Conversation” – Elvis Aaron Presley Big Time Jr.: “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” – Rod Stewart Dirty Mick: “Fields of Athenry” – Dropkick Murphys Amika: “Mr. Blue Sky” – ELO Joe Queer: “No Expectations” – Rolling Stones

Flicks O’ the Month

Amika wit’ John Waters

Nighthawk: Cool Hand Luke(1967) Mr. Rin Tin Tin: Killer Klowns from Outer Space(1988) D-Bomb: Weird Science(1985) Lonewolf: American Movie(1999) 8Bit: Anything on Skinamax after 10 p.m. Anchor: Dolemite(1975) Morty Munson: Big Trouble in Little China(1986) S-Squared: Uncle Buck(1989) Root: Okie Noodling(2001) Lil’ Deryl: Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure(1989) Dave-O: American Splendor(2003) Co’ Slaw: Dawn of the Dead(1979) Cable Monster: Creature from the Black Lagoon(1954) Ran-Man: Where the Buffalo Roam(1980) L-Vis: Bloody Fingers new Bike Video Reverend Norb: The Incredibles(2004) Dr. E.W.: Operatsiya “e” J-Man: Team America: World Police(2004) Lars: Killer Klowns from Outer Space(1988) Big Al: Ray(2004) Big Time Jr.: Stroker Ace(1983) Dirty Mick: Badder Santa(2003) Amika: Bottle Rocket(1996) Joe Queer: Key Largo(1948)

Foods O’ the Month

Post Card signed by Jared Fogle(Subway Dude)

Nighthawk: Chicken Statutory wit’ a side order of Prostitots Mr. Rin Tin Tin: Chilito from The Tock(I was so pissed when T-Bell took this off the menu, and so were others, apparently, ‘cause it was brought back by popular demand!) D-Bomb: Egg Rolls from Mekong Restaurant located at 3131 South Grand Boulevard in South Saint Louis Lonewolf: Pretzelwich stuffed wit’ Bratwurst from Gus’ Pretzels located across Interstate 55 from the Anheuser-Busch Brewery in South Saint Louis 8Bit: Spicy Chicken Burrito from T-Bell Anchor: Bud Heavies Morty Munson: Burgers S-Squared: Quesadilla at Chimichanga’s on S. Grand in the Lou Root: Totino’s Party Pizza Lil’ Deryl: Chili 3-Way, minus the special sauce at Steak ‘n Shake Dave-O: Junior Mints Co’ Slaw: Macho Nacho at Del Taco Cable Monster: The Crave Case at White Castle Ran-Man: Brats in the Tart parkin’ lot L-Vis: Falafel Reverend Norb: Sparks Alcohol/Energy Drink Dr. E.W.: Mom’s Special from Mom’s Deli on Jamieson Ave. in Nellyville J-Man: 100 Proof Whiskey(Wild Turkey or Fighting Cock) Lars: Pretzelwich stuffed wit’ Salsiccia from Gus’ Pretzels Big Al: J.J.’s from The Old Oxford Diner, located at Higgins and Pine in Missoula, MT. J.J.’s consists of two eggs over easy, hash browns, and country fried steak – all smothered in delicious red gravy. Big Time Jr.: Couple o’ Tocks for 99 cents and what USED TO BE a couple o’ Jumbo Jacks from Punch In the Cunt for 99 cents each, but are NOW $1.24 each. BULLSHIT!! Dirty Mick: Sausage Egg and Cheese Croisandwich at The King Amika: Meatball Sammy

Joe Queer: Fresh Sushi

Dudes Fun Fact #6

(Courtesy of ALF)

To run for President on Melmac, your middle name has to be the name of a cheese.

Tea Bag O’ the Month

S-Squared Gives Lonewolf A Tip!

M.I.L.F. O’ the Month

Code Name: Pier Pimpin Age: 38 Photo Cour

Raddmobile 2000 Millenium Edition (PUBES Tour Bus)

-1997 Ford Econoline Super Duty--Ford Turbo Diesel Engine- -Automatic Transmission- -133,000 Original Miles--Gas Tank Holds 80+ Gallons Of Diesel Fuel- -Miles To The Gallon: N/A- -1 1⁄2 Tons of Fun- -Commercial Driver License Is Required--14 Original Seats(3 have been removed) Plus Captain’s Chair- -Takes Up 1 1⁄2 Car Spaces In Parkin’ Lot- -P.A. & 2-Way Radio Not Functional Right Now- -Tape Deck Is Busted, CD Player Will Be Installed Soon--T.V. Is Bein’ Serviced, VCR Is On Board & Functional--Trash Can Wit’ Magazine Rack Is On Board- -Lightin’ Along Edge Of Ceilin’ Is Intact & Functional-

Glutton O’ the Month

Organic Welsh Mountain Mutton Nice Catch!

Dutton O’ the Month

D.C. Sniper: 23 Days of Fear(2003)

Raddest Dude Alive

Anchor

-We can’t think of the last time we called this Dude and he didn’t wanna party- -Has the nickname DAD, and he earned every letter of it--Refers to whirleybirds as GASHES--Shops at SEARS, and he doesn’t give a fuck what you think ‘bout it--Is always down for whatever, whenever, wherever, with whoever- (It should be noted that the Anchor did leave the Real Bar on October 28, 2004 ‘cause he had a case of the hiccups-this is BUNK!) DAD IS NUMBER ONE IN OUR BOOKS!

Vag’ of Honor

S-Squared

This title is given to the recipient ‘cause of two things. 1-At the Issue 4 Release Party, he said, “I hope I make it again next time!” 2-He has done certain things recently that helped him earn this title for the second time.

-Nighthawk had a World Series Game 2 party. He said he’d be there, but didn’t show- -When asked where he was for the party, he said, “Right there,” as he pointed to his girlfriend’s couch- -Left Anchor and B-Rad’s Halloween party wit’ his gash without sayin’ nothing to no one, and he didn’t drink at all- -Several times when havin’ the Anchor and Nighthawk over to watch Cardinals games, he didn’t booze, even though there is a full bar and a keg of Heavy in the basement--Even though he now has a payin’ gig, he still doesn’t ever party wit’ Dudes-FOR CHRISTMAS, BUY THIS SUPER VAG’ A BOX OF TAMPONS!!

6’er – Six-Pack of Golden Sodies. 12’er – Twelve-Pack of Golden Sodies. 16’er – Sixteen-Pack of Golden Sodies. A-Town – Affton, Missouri. Ass Faucet – what Ass Piss comes out of. Ass Piss – what you get when you are squirtin’

shit outta your asshole. This usually happens

the day after drinkin’ a lot of whiskey. “Attack!” – what must be yelled by a Dude or all the Dudes when a Shoot Circle is in need of bein’ formed or a keg or cooler is in need of some serious rockin’ by the Dudes.

Auto-Hoof – Dudes Escalator.

B-Town – Bloomington, Indiana. Home of Indiana University and Big Time, Jr. Bag of Cheetos – a group of Orangies. A bag of

Baked Chicken, if you will.

Banana Hammock – thong underwear for Dudes. Bar Birds – whirleybirds at a bar. Batteries – devices de Jeff. Beered-Out – the condition a Dude is in when he

has just ﬂat-out had way too many Adulders in recent times. A sad state of affairs for Dudes everywhere.

Blaked – Wallerﬁed. See Root ‘bout this one

Dudes.

Boff – 1. old Vaudeville slang for ‘outstanding’. See also, BOFFO. 2. the name of one of The Joker’s robot

henchmen in an episode of Batman.

Book of Dude – handbook of unwritten rules that all Dudes go by. Breakin’ Rocks – doin’ time at the Salt Mines. Brown Santa – UPS delivery man/woman. Bustin’ the Ink Off Your Paycheck – cashin’ your

paycheck. Butt Butter – Turd Soup. Captain D’s Nuts – Captain D’s. Cardinal Country – the vast expanse known

as the Midwest which is absolutely, without a doubt, behind the Redbirds 100%. This region goes as far west as Kansas, as far south as Mississippi, as far east as Indiana, and as far north as Iowa.

Cardinal Nation – Cardinal Country. Chairman O’ the Board – Frank Sinatra. Civy – Honda Civic. Coldie – cold Adulder. Company Dime – Salt Mines payroll. Do what

you want while you’re on it.

Crop Dustin’ – bifﬁn’ one.

D’bags – Dushles.

D.I. – Doubt It.

Dick Her Down – get taint deep on a broad.

Dick’s Gotta Spit – what a Dude says when he’s gotta Take A Squirt.

Dick’s Gotta Throw-Up – what a Dude says when he’s ‘bout to make a fresh batch of Vitamin S.

Dirty South – muff.

Dominate – 1. lay cable. 2. tear into some righteous vittles.

Double Barrel – what a Dude has when he is able to release Dudes Mayo in or on a whirleybird 2 times in succession.

Douchebaggery – general stupid shit done by douchebags everywhere. Downhill Skiin’ Nose-First – doin’ bumps.

Dream Catcher – what a Dude blows his load into upon jerkin’ it; whether it’s a Tubie, Nap-pies, or what have you.

Dudely Deviation – a branchin’ off from typical Dudes Lingo or Dudely actions. Only recommended when tryin’ to nail a whirleybird.

Dudes Athletics – the action of getting’ taint deep.

Dudes Bar – bar that is set up at Dudes Parties. Usually at JSquared’s house.

Dudes Bios – bios of Dudes.

Dudes Business – business given to a Dive, Vittlery, etc. on the part of Dudes.

Dudes Chant – when a group of Dudes form together and chant something over and over. Example, “Prostitutes and Whores, Prostitutes and Whores!”

Dudes Classic – historic Dudes Flick, Bad Jam,

T.V. show, Skin Mag, etc. Dudes Company – in the company of Dudes. Dudes Corner – the area at the party in which

the Dudes get together and rock coolers and form Shoot Circles. Basically, the tightest and dopest spot of the party.

Dudes Huddle – what Dudes must sometimes form at a party when in need of good times. Ways to shake up the party are discussed among the Dudes in the huddle.

Dudes Jack – greenbacks. Dudes Lingo – a language spoken only by

Dudes wit’ words found only in the Dudes Glossary. Dudes Priorities – poundin’ Heavies, poundin’

gash, getting’ mad lifted, etc. Dudes Tracks – Dudes footsteps. Dushles – Lil’ Deryl’s favorite nickname for

Douchebags.

El Crasho – the physical and mental state a Dude is in while getting’ 40 winks. Empty the Tank – Lay Cable. Fam – Dude’s family.

Finger Bangin’ – ﬁngerin’ a Pleasure Hole. Finger Tappin’ – Finger Bangin’. Fish-Hook – the act of puttin’ a couple ‘o ﬁngers

in a whirleybirds’ mouth and hookin’ the inside portion of one of her cheeks while you’re tag-gin’ the honey pot from behind.

Flow Dot – Fuck Box. Getting’ Your Flow On – drillin’ the Flow Dot. Ghetto Snake – Metrostink.

Glides – Kicks.

Go On an Egg Hunt – get taint deep(sperm chase the eggs). Golden Sodies – Adulders. Goocher – a coincidence. See Lonewolf for fur

ther explanation. Gooﬁn’ Off – punchin’ your munchkin. Group Rock – when a keg, cooler, etc. is bein’

rocked by a group of Dudes. Happy Meal – 40 oz. and a sixer of Adulders. Have a Conversation – Talk To Waller. Have a Sparklin’ Conversation – Talk To Waller

when Jeff is really killer. Hemmed Up – detained by John Law. Hit It and Quit It – what Dudes say when talkin’

to Waller for a very short time.

Hollywood Dude – Dude who makes his livin’ actin’ in ﬁlms. Hoosier Hot Tub – above-ground swimmin’

pool. Housed – wasted on Icehouse beer. Iced-Up – all drunked up on Icehouse brewskies. Jib – doobie.

J.I.B. – Jack In The Box.

Kicks – shoes.

Kink’s – Kinko’s. This is the place where Issue 1 was ﬁrst printed.

Lead Belt – the area of eastern Missouri, south of Saint Louis, in which a number of lead mine towns span from west to east. This is where

J-Man is from. Towns such as Farmington and Bonne Terre are included in the Lead Belt. Long John’s Shitter – Long John Silver’s. Loser Belt – slang for Lead Belt. Love Gloves – Jimmy Caps. Make Gravy – Pile Up.

Mental Midget – complete idiot. Metrosexual – homosexual tendencies in a metropolitan area. Basically, when you begin to “care” ‘bout your appearance to the point that you pay big bucks for haircuts and manicures, you have become Metrosexual.

MexiM.I.L.F. – Mexican Mom Bomb. Moose Knuckle – Man Toe. Mush-Mouthed – so crunked you can’t even put

words together.

Nested Hen – married whirleybird. Ninja Boot – Moose Knuckle. Nose Tickets – facial tissues used for cleanin’

out your Snot Locker.

Nothingheads – boneheads, lunkheads, airheads, etc. Pile Up – Make a Pile. Poo Fuel – vittles. Prom-Bomb – the hottest girl in high school.

Usually hooks up wit’ Douche McDouche. Prostitots – 14 year-old girls(or younger)

dressed like sluts. Hangs out wit’ Chicken Statutory. Punch In the Cunt – J.I.B. Quackboxes – ducks.

Rednals – Birdnals, a.k.a., St. Louis Cardinals.

“Retreat!” – what must be yelled by a Dude or all the Dudes when it is plain to see that an attempted Shoot Circle or Group Rock is tragically failin’.

Rents – Rental Units.

RFT – pronounced “erft”, the Riverfront Times newspaper provides Dudes in the Saint Louis area wit’ info on shows, movies, restaurants, and strip clubs. And it’s free!

Ribbon Warrior – any idiot who’s got all the “cool” ribbons that support different causes all over their rigg.

Rumble Bubbles – what happens when the shit in your stomach starts to boil, lettin’ you know it’s time to pay a visit to the Cable Monster. Scope It,

Don’t Grope It – what a Dude must remind other Dudes and himself to do when some Jail Bait comes struttin’ by. This will keep Dudes from doin’ time for statutory rape.

Sex Jam – Dudes lingo for havin’ an orgy with a multitude o’ whirleybird.

Shit Tickets – pieces of Butt Paper.

Showcase O’ Dudeliness – a repertoire of talents which is Dudely. i.e. Dudes Mag!

Shrek – (n) ﬁre Jeff. Sibs – Dude’s siblings.

Skinamax – cable station known as CINEMAX.

Skinny Dip In the Pool – getting’ taint deep without a rubber. Not advised unless you want little Dudes runnin’ ‘round anytime soon.

Skitterdone – the Skitty(Dude who works wit’ D-Bomb and J-Man) version of Gitterdone(the most redneck of all redneck sayings).

Slammed Up – stuck in The Cooler.

Sneaks – Tennies. SoCi – South City. Soldier Down – what a Dude should yell out

when he drops his beer.

Staff Meetin’ – when a number of Dudes get together to talk to Waller. Stealin’ Fifth – poppin’ your love tool in the anal

ward of a young dame. ‘Stos – Abestos. ‘Sup and ‘Stard – ketchup and mustard. Switch Hit – Pullin’ your pud wit’ both meat

hooks. Sworts – Sweaty Shorts. Taintless – without a box to get deep in. Take A Squirt – drain the main vein. ‘Teener – Eighteen-Pack of Golden Sodies. Teeter-Totters – Fun Bags. Tennies – Glides. The Broiler – The King, a.k.a. Burger King. The Sandbox – Army Dudes’ nickname for the

Middle East. The Stink Box – Anal Ward. The T – what Bostonians call the subway train in

Boston. The Tock – T-Bell. Thicket – hairy muff. ‘To-‘To’s – burritos. Touch Uglies – bury the Love Chisel in the Honey Pot.

True Dudes – Dudes who are true.

Tumble In the Jungle – an old-fashioned roll in the hay. Turd Soup – Butt Butter. UnDudely Level – a level which is not Dudely.

U.S. Snail – mail delivered by the United States Postal Service. Vitamin S – Dudes Mayo.

Vittle Cabinet – Dudes Pantry. Wall-Eyed – Wallered to the point that you are Jeffed.

Wallered – Jeffed. Wallerﬁed – Jeffed. Wide World of Denim – the collection of Dudes

Blues, Dudes Blacks, Dudes Whites, Denim Shirts, and Dudes Denim Jackets. Windows – Dudes Eyeglasses.

Windshield – Cheaters. ‘Zarks – the region of Misouri, known as The Ozarks. D-Bomb’s old man recently relocated there.

In Issue 6

-Rockin’ Stuff Again--Dudes Digs Gear Griftin’--When Is A M.I.L.F. Not A M.I.L.F.?- -Dad Do’s & Dont’s-

CONTACT DUDES MAG AT: 714 Zeiss Avenue Lemay, MO 63125 or dudesmagazine@hotmail.com

Lonewolf’s nephew Zane, a.k.a. the Z Factor, an up and comin’ young Dude!