DUDES MAGAZINE

THE WORLDWIDE LEADER IN BATHROOM PUBLICATIONS

 

NUMBER 1 IN THE CAN

 

10 of the Coolest Fictional Dudes Ever

 

180 NEW GLOSSARY TERMS

BONEYARD BOOB TUBE

DUDES 'VIEWS

DUDES TECH

AND A WHOLE LOT MORE!

 

$3.00

Index

 

Dudes Magazine Roster                    5

Dudes Magazine Street Team                     9

Dudes In General                     10

Dudes Digs                    17

Dudely Dude Profile                         22

Dudes 'Views                          24

Dudes Jaunts                           28

Dudes Tech                    39

Shitbag Actor O' the Month                       48

Dudes 8-Bit                             49

Cover Story                             50

Dudes Dives                            53

Dudes Son-of-Obitchuary                           55

Bad Jams Artist Profile                     56

Dudes Rekkids                        57

Dudes Wears                           58

Dudes Sports                          59

Dudes Photos                          65

Boneyard Boob Tube                        66

D.F.I.C.O.D.S.                        68

Dudes Riggs                            72

Cable Tales                    77

Dudes Outdoors                      78

Dudes Picks                             87

Dudes Glossary                       95

autograph section numero uno

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dudes News

 

-           T-Spoon is now known officially as Co’ Slaw.  On a side note, the Anchor calls him T-Griddles.  Don’t ask.

-           On February 13, 2004 at the Issue 3 Release Party, D-Bomb officially became a Dude.  He now partakes in all official Dudes Activities wit’ Mr. Rin Tin Tin and Nighthawk.  CONGRATS!

 

Nighthawk, D-Bomb, and Mr. Rin Tin Tin

 

-           On account of D-Bomb becomin’ a Dude, Mr. Rin Tin Tin and Nighthawk will now be known as The Founder Dudes.  The name Original Dudes was voted down at a staff meetin’ ‘cause Original Dude objected.

-           On January 28, 2004, the Godfather of Soul, James Brown, was arrested on domestic violence charges.

SNAP!

-    On April 12, 2004, Shandi Finnessey of Florissant, MO was crowned Miss USA at the 52^nd annual pageant.  The 25 year-old graduate student describes her social life as “totally single and looking.”  GOOD LUCK DUDES!

-           On a related note, Miss Finnessey was runner-up to Miss Australia in the Miss Universe Pageant on June 1, 2004.

-           On April 16, 2004, winger Mike Danton of the St. Louis Blues was arrested in San Jose, CA and accused of conspiracy to commit murder for hire.  WAY TO GO!

-           On April 24, 2004, St. Louis Rams defensive end was arrested for drunken driving for his second time.  On April 26, he was charged with a felony ‘cause he is a persistent offender.

-           J-Man is now referred to as the Man Also Known As J, or Man Also Referred To As J.

-           On May 12, 2004, Busch Stadium celebrated its 38^th birthday.  The Cardinals beat the Atlanta Braves 5-2.

-           Jello Pops are back!  Bunkley informed Nighthawk, 8-Bit, and the Anchor on May 8, 2004.

-           On June 5, 2004, Hollywood celebrity David Hasselhoff was charged with a DUI in Encino, CA.  The 51-year-old star of “Knight Rider” was not immediately available for comment.

-           On June 8, 2004, in Nighthawk’s Set-Up, Mr. Rin Tin Tin gave Nighthawk his rap name: SWOOPS.  As in, hawks swoop in for the kill.

-    On June 10, 2004, innovative singer and pianist Ray Charles died at the age of 73.

-    Jesus Christ will now be known as Steve Dadzim, and Catholicism will now be referred to as Dadzimism.

-    Original Dude will now be known as Oh Dot, Dee Dot.  ODB will now be known as

Oh Dot, Dee Dot, Bee Dot.

-   When 8Bit gets drunk, he goes from bein’ called 8Bit to Dig Dug to Q*Bert as the night wears on.  He loses “bits” as he gets drunker.

 

In For Issue 4

 

*Bone Thugs-n-Harmony*

*Sweaties Shorts*

*Mad Dog*

*Johnny Damon Look*

*Bag Wine*

*Sayin’, “You Got Served!”*

*Thump Explosions*

*High Lids, a.k.a., Tall Ball Caps*

*Sayin’ somethin’ is “BITCH”*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Magazine Roster

           

Mr. Rin Tin Tin                                                   Nighthawk

 

                 

D-Bomb                                                             Lonewolf

 

                       

8Bit                                                                     Root

 

             

Reverend Norb                                         The Cable Monster

 

       

Anchor                                                             B-Rad

 

        

Dave-O                                                                        Big Time

 

        

                        Dr. E.W.                                                          J-Man

 

           

Lars                                                                       Ran-Man

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Magazine Street Team

   

Mr. Rin Tin Tin - Windy                              Lonewolf - Lone Star State

 

        

Big Al - Big Sky Country                             Big Time Jr. - Eastern Midwest

 

Reverend Norb - Titletown U.S.A.

In General

 

How to Improve Your Dudeliness

By 8Bit

 

            If you are enjoyin’ this quality mag, then you are probably already a Dude.  But are you ready to take the next step and strive for a higher level of Dudeliness?  What follows is a short list of things a Dude must do consistently if he hopes to become a member of the Immediate Circle of Dudes.  Someday.

 

-Make Poor Decisions While Drunk-

            Maybe the most important task to perform to prove your Dudeliness.  Examples would include: gettin’ into a hot tub wit’ a dozen naked Dudes, lettin’ other Dudes punch you in the head for no good reason, and slammin’ 3 bottles of Mad Dog at once.

            To really be a Dude, sometimes you have to wake up in your bed wit’ your clothes from the night before still on and ask yourself, “What the hell happened last night?”

 

-Understand That Masturbation Is A Decent Substitute For Whirleybird-

            Come on man, if you’re a Dude, you know you have a musk. Every Dude has a special mixture of body odor and alcohol that no dame will miss.  And birds today want a man who practices good hygiene.  Sorry Dudes, but unless you’ve already tied yourself down to a ball and chain, it’s gonna be hard to find a ticket to Tuna Town.

            It’s a hard call man: be a douchebag and pound box every now and then, or be a Dude, party like A.W.K., smell like a longshoreman, and Punch Your Munchkin.  Honestly, chokin’ your chicken is a lot less work than bein’ a douchbag.

            And to all those Dudes wit’ a full-time lady, CONGRATS! ‘Cause there’s no need to go out for milk when you’ve got a cow at home!

 

–Rock ‘n’ Roll Must Be One Of The Most Important Things In Your Life-

            No Dude can resist rockin’ out when they hear a Bad Jam. Say you just got off work on a Saturday and you’re drivin’ home, chompin’ at the bit to start poundin’ Heavies when “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake is playin’ on KSHE 95.  If you’re a Dude, you are gonna crank the volume on that stereo without hesitation, and play drums on your steerin’ wheel.

            Bad Jams are a Dude’s war songs.  “Big City Nights” by Scorpions is part of a musical language that every Dude speaks.  I will guarantee you that there is not one person in the world wit’ the Van Halen logo tattooed on their body that isn’t Dudely, and that includes the middle-aged hoosier chicks who got the VH tat after they saw Diamond Dave, Eddie, Alex, and Michael rock the Saint Louis Arena back in ’84.

 

–Regress Durin’ The Summer-

            Beginnin’ May 1^st, if not earlier, a true Dude will shunnin’ as much responsibility as possible so that his days will be free to spend drinkin’, B-B-Qn’, and goin’ to Birdnals games.  Other Summertime activities include TPn’, kickball, and goin’ on Dudes Road Trips to pound Heavies in another town.  Durin’ the Summer months, a Dude’s maturity level should regress by at least 2 to 3 years, hence a true Dude will never act his own age. 

            Summertime is also the season for Graduation Parties.  Take advantage of someone you know gettin’ an education by eatin’ and gettin’ drunk for free.  And make sure not to bring a card or acknowledge the graduate’s accomplishment.  Just walk in the door and head straight for the Tin Man while you look for a Washers partner. 

 

Dudes, if you do the things that I’ve listed here, you’ll be sure to climb the Ladder of Dudedom.

 

Everyone Who Hasn’t Graduated from High School Yet Is A Jerk

By L-Vis

 

Haha, how's your stupid cafeteria?  Why don't you go eat a bunch of bugs outside of the schoolyard, and pray that somethin’ interestin’ beams its way into your hallowed halls.  DUDES, DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THESE FOOLSMEN!!!!!  One time I was walkin’ alone, and five of them jumped me and started sayin’ things ‘bout my knee socks.  They had all sorts of random horrible things to say on knee socks and I was just about to uppercut kick one of them in the face when my Dudes Rigg drove up behind me and shined its brights into their eyes.  They got scared and they scurried off into the evil eternity from which they came.  That's when I remembered:

I HAVE A RIG JUST LIKE NIGHT RIDER

 

            It has a mind and personality of its own, and it helps me keep track of my priorities and it helps me defeat evil overlords when they have absolutely horrible plans to destroy us all.  Which reminds me, what kind of meatloaf are they servin’ in the cafeteria today?  Hahaha, it’s probably the mystery meat and you’re gonna DIE!  You'd think there would be some sort of sick mastermind behind all of the crappy food you gotta nosh on to get your fixins on in that evil mecca, but the truth is we aint battlin' anyone from that neck o' the woods.  That neck o' the woods is for whirleybird.

            Anyway, the name of my rigg is Steve Mach II - Turbo Championship Edition.  It's a pretty fuckin' sweet ride and you can't drive it; only I can and occasionally other members of the Pubes.  I got it about a year ago, and it was previously owned by a really old Dude who never drove it, so I got it in sweet condition.  I've taken it on a load of adventures and it has stood the test of time.  Now it helps me destroy evil.

            So kids, sorry, but…you're jerks.  And that's just the way it is.  Me and my rigg, we kick fucking ass.  It even has a big ‘ol crack in the windshield.  You probably just want to go to the zoo and look at the little kangaroos and feed the goats.  I'll be burnin' rubber and playin' rock and roll music at top volume, controllin’ the dial and havin’ good times on the highway. Hahaha, evil bunny rabbits and I'm out.

 

Strokin’ Tales

By Mr. Rin Tin Tin

 

“Sweet Dreams”

 

This strokin’ mishap occurred a few years back when I went on a road trip wit’ the old lady to the east coast. The old lady and I had been stuck in traffic for hours goin’ across Tennessee on the way to the Smokey Mountains from Memphis, so we decided to shack up for the night just outside Gatlinburgh because we were beat (no pun intended) and we wanted to save some greenbacks. So we got to the room and hit the rack. Then, I was suddenly woken up, with twig in hand, to my old lady hollerin’ at me and callin’ me a sicko. That’s right Dudes, I was pullin’ while asleep (I don’t know if this a common occurrence, I hope not). Maybe if I had made a trip to the Boneyard before hittin’ the snooze bar this would have never happened.  Nevertheless, that must have been some dream. Needless to say, the old lady would not touch me for some time. That was no good, but I was most upset ‘bout the sleep stroke ‘cause it is impractical, I mean what fun is it if you’re asleep. 

 

Russia Is Sweet

By Dr. E.W.

 

In recent weeks, many a Dude has asked me the same question: Why Russia? Well, I’d like to use this space to give the news to Dudes on the prowl, who are lookin’ for Dudes, who are looking for Dudes. Yeah, Dude!  Russia is a veritable                Dudes Paradise. Russia has everythin’ a Dude is lookin’ for at prices that are easy on a Dude’s W.  Unlike most of Europe which uses the Euro, your money will go far in Russia; 1 greenback will get you about 30 Russian Rubles.  Here’s a list of what you can score wit’ Rubles:

 

Drinks (Na-peet-ki): Vodka is the drink of choice for most Russians.  They don’t think beer will get you drunk. Vodka is very cheap in the Motherland.  A good 1-liter bottle will run you $3-4.  If you go to a party, everyone generally brings a bottle of vodka and everybody shares.  Russians always like to say a little toast before takin’ a shot, and like to eat a little snack after takin’ a shot.  Remember, if a Russian offers you a shot of vodka, there is no way to get out of it.  I recommend St. Petersburg, Flagman, and Zhyelka.

 

Beer (pee-va): It’s gettin’ more and more popular in Russia, and Russian beers are pretty good.  Beers are sold individually in Russia, and you can drink them anywhere you want to.  I’ve seen many a Dude get on the bus at 9 a.m. wit’ a cold one in his hand.  Beers come in three sizes: .5 Liter (16.9oz) bottles and cans are the most widespread, but .33 Liter cans and 1.5 Liter bottles are available as well.  A half liter will run you about $.50 in a store and $.75-1.25 in a bar. Try Baltika 3, Baltika 7, N’yevskoyeh Classichesskoyeh, and if you want to get shit-faced, try Baltika 9; it’s stronger than Molson XXX(7.3% alcohol).

 

Eats (yeh-da): Russian food is pretty tasty, and Russian cafes and restaurants are inexpensive.  Most restaurants have great lunch specials where you can get a three-course meal for $4-5.  If you’ve got a cravin’ for some burgs, you could always head to Donny’s, but there is always at least a hundred people mobbed in front of the registers at all times, and there are never any seats. If you really need some greasy food, you can get some Za or a Zinger at the KFC/Pizza Hut.  Unfortunately this Dude could not find a decent Tock anywhere, but if you’re lookin’ for somethin’ with a little spice, try a Georgian restaurant.

            If you find yourself in the Motherland, be sure to watch yourself around old women.  If you do somethin’ rude, you will most likely get yelled at and/or shoved.  If you happen to be out and find your face to be covered in blood, it is perfectly acceptable to wait to clean yourself up when you get home instead of before you get on the bus.  The public transport system is extensive and cheap, so you don’t always have to hoof it, but if you’ve got $5, you can flag down any car and get just about anywhere.  If you find yourself too drunk and tired to make it home, just sleep on the street, nobody will say anything (only try this between May and September).   Also, not a lot of Russians speak English, so gettin’ around can be very tough if you can’t speak or read in Russian.  Russia has every thin’ a Dude could ever need: Dudes Foods and cold suds at low prices, an abundance of primo whirleybird, and plenty of sights to see, like V.I. Lenin’s body on display in a mausoleum on Red Square. Russia truly is a Dudes Playground, but other countries that were behind the Iron Curtain are just as Dude-friendly.  The Doc recommends dudes to check out Poland, Hungary, and the Czech Republic.  If you are going to be in the area, I’ll be in the Motherland from September until mid May.

 

 

Adventures In Monster Truckin’

By Jenny Longshot

 

            Attendin’ the 2004 monster truck rally, a.k.a. MONSTER JAM, was as much a privilege and a joy as part of my Dudely Duty.  For 3 hours, HUGE trucks and SUV’s, airbrushed attractively and outfitted wit’ wheels the size of my first apartment, drove fast and furiously through Saint Louis’s Edward Jones Dome, a.k.a. the TWA Dome, a.k.a. that big thing downtown.  These monstrous towers of power destroyed everythin’ from a Pinto to a Winnebago in front of a sold-out crowd of men, women, and children.  To quote monster truck operator Tom Maxx regardin’ the state the track was left in after his run that evenin’, “That shit got to’ up!”

             It was Valentine’s Day, 2004 and the evenin’ began innocently enough wit’ a leisurely Metrostink ride.  The Stink was packed wit’ prospective rally attendees of all shapes and sizes – all in the mood to hoot and holler SHOOT and DANG!  Luckily, the night was balmy enough to necessitate only my modified Dudes Denim Jacket and hoodie, so I was not bulked down wit’ jackets and the short walk from the Stink Point to the Dome was actually enjoyable.  Hoosier watchin’ along the ride and on the streets provided entertainment.  Mullets surrounded me, and children named Bubba screamed into the night.  FUCKIN’ RIGHT!!!

            After I picked up my tickets, I decided it was high time to vittle up.  The consumption of the right kind of grub is an essential part of makin’ a trip to the monster truck rally an enjoyable time.  After I got over the initial sticker shock(at the Dome, a hot dog costs $4.75 – BUNK!), I purchased my Kosher wiener, some fries, searched for some ketchup, and proceeded to set myself down for a long night of drinkin’ and demolishment.  WOOOO BOY!

            After the National Anthem was sung and some lotto tickets given away, the rally began.  First, the different trucks competed against each other in a kind of “ultimate drag race”.  The field that the STL Rams played on durin’ the football season had been replaced wit’ dirt, spray painted 70’s automobiles, piles of more dirt, and of course – MONSTER TRUCKS.  The drag races were totally awesome.  The huge trucks, which were christened wit’ names like “KING KRUNCH” and “BOUNTY HUNTER”, were goin’ at top speeds ‘round hairpin turns and over dirt jumps.  Some of them even got some wicked air on that shit!  In the first round of the drag races, a totally Boss truck called “HOT WHEELS”(owned by the toy company of the same name) totally fucked up and flipped over like, four times.  There sparks and shit.  It was freakin’ rad! Luckily, the truck had already completed the race when it flipped, ‘cause it was pretty messed up and couldn’t even get off the course without some help. When the next heat/round came along, HOT WHEELS had pulled itself back together and not only competed, it FUCKIN’ WON!!!  Sweet action!  Later, another truck – WILD HAIR – stalled on the course, and the whole Dome filled up wit’ smoke and dust and everyone in the audience was goin’ wild.  There was a “Girls vs. Boys” race, where a husband and wife(who each drove a monster truck) were pitted against each other.  The Boys won. 

            In the final round of the drag races, HOT WHEELS was out there ready to rock after barely makin’ it to the startin’ line in time.  After it busted some ass and caught some big air on the dirt jump, the fuckin’ thing’s FRONT WHEEL FLEW OFF, in the direction of dozens of unsuspectin’ hoosiers and their special ladies, as it attempted to round a corner.  I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHIN’ THAT COOL IN MY LIFE BEFORE!  A truck aptly named MAXIMUM DESTRUCTION ended up takin’ first in that part of the competition.  In between rounds/heats, go-karts would race on the track, and one crashed into the stand that held the ref/flag holder Dude, and the whole thing fell over WIT’ THE FLAG WAVIN’ DUDE IN IT!  Watchin’ him roll ‘round on the ground in agony was radical badical.  I think if he had been more seriously hurt that I would have felt bad…or maybe taken more pictures.  WHOA!

            The freestyle competition came next, and was as rock and roll as anything could be.  The trucks just had a minute and a half to tear the track up!  And what’s even cooler, the Rally Gods kept bustin’ out more stuff for them to destroy.  HOLY SHIT!  It was ‘bout this time I downed a drivin’ can and got ready to hoot and holler.  It cost me $7.50!  ULTRA BUNK!  ‘Cause of that price, I suggest smugglin’ a small container of hard stuff into the Dome to provide your Dudely selves wit’ some Adult refreshment at a fraction of the cost.  GET MY DRIFT?  GOOD.

            After a handful of so-so runs by other trucks, BULLDOZER(a vehicle wit’ horns that have the ability to blow steam out of its “nostrils”) totally fucked some shit up.  It pummeled a Winnebago, further pulverized an ice cream truck that had been flattened by the chick-piloted “SCARLET BANDIT”, and just wowed the audience in general.  THEN MAXIMUM DESTRUCTION SHOWED THEM WHAT’S WHAT!  MAX D. drove straight through an airport shuttle bus, and after it was done, only rubble and memories remained.  Not only did he rock that shit, he flipped over a couple of time and managed to right his truck and kick ass ‘til the final buzzer.  MAX D. fuckin’ rules!!!

            MAX D. and his driver, Tom Maxx, took home the glory that night, but the thrilled audience stumbled home wit’ garbled, fuzzy, and sometimes violent images of twisted metal burnin’ in their brains.  Thank you, MONSTER TRUCK RALLY, for teachin’ us all ‘bout the importance of breakin’ shit, reckless drivin, dirt, and wholesome fun.  OVER AND OUT MY DUDELY FRIENDS!

 

CABLE LAYIN’ MISHAPS

 

Lars – “Sloppy Sleddin’”

(IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT YOUR EDITOR-IN-CHIEF WAS LAYIN’ CABLE WHEN HE FIRST READ THIS ARTICLE)

 

            This tale of cable layin’ disaster goes back at least 4 to 5 years ago on a snowy winter night.  What else goes hand in hand wit’ snow…DUDES SLEDDIN’!!!  So me and some Dudes were up in CA-RON(Carondelet Park for those who dwell outside the STL city limits), ridin’ the Frozen Waves down some wicked hills.  After shreddin’ down the hill on my walk back up the hill, I felt a major rumble in the belly.  I had some shit ready to explode out of my asshole.  Seein’ how I live 2 short blocks from CA-RON, I decided to run home.  And ran I did. 

            Upon ringin’ the doorbell to my house, I remember thinkin’, “If someone doesn’t open this door soon, I’m gonna shit my pants.”  The door finally was opened, and I flew up the stairs to my Dudes Shitter.  There was a big problem though: I was wearin’ 2 pairs of Sweaties, a snow-suit thing, and a pair of tightly-tied snow boots.  In order to take the snow-suit off, I had to take the boots off.  I hurried to untie the boots.  I began slidin’ outta the snow-suit when, KABLAAM!  My ass spit out a massive pile of mud on the floor. Also, the Sweaties were covered in feces, as well as my legs.  So some words of advice for fellow Dudes: When plannin’ on goin’ sleddin’ see to it that you lay cable prior to leavin’ for Dudes Slopes.  So, until next time I shit my pants, this is Lars sayin’ WOOP WOOP, LET’S POOP POOP!!

 

Anchor – “No Plumbin’, No Problem”

 

            This beautiful explosion happened at my old crib on Grand Boulevard.  For some reason, we had no water.  Thus, I couldn’t use the bathroom. When I had to urinate, I went in the alley.  This, however, was not cool when I had to lay cable.  This particular shit came out of nowhere, and it wasn’t stayin’ long.  What was the Anchor to do?  Shit in a big container from Schnucks salad bar?  Yeah, that’s right and the bottom of the salad bar container was very warm. 

            Next question was what to do wit’ this amazin’ pile of dung?  Keep it and raise dung beetles?  That crossed my mind.  However, I covered the top wit’ tin foil, and disposed of the mess in a trash bin outside of my apartment on Grand in the heat of summer.  SERVED!

 

Anchor – “Campin’ Cables”

 

            This mishap occurred recently durin’ a campin’ trip over Memorial Day Weekend.  I should have seen this one comin’ ‘cause I was gettin’ served all day.  For example, the Niangua River, Douchebag from K.C., and my rigg not startin’.  The Anchor drank numerous beers that day, and hadn’t shat since early in the mornin’ and felt one a brewin’ when he passed out in Tallman’s tent.  I woke up an hour or so later wit’ a violent pain in my stomach and knew it was go time.  I had no shoes on and there was Poison Sumac erwhere, so I ventured a few feet away from our tent and lost a small child. For this was one ass-blast.  I remind you that we were in the middle of the woods, I was wasted, I didn’t have Butt Paper, and the only leaf to wipe wit’ is Poison Sumac.  I’m not makin’ that mistake twice, ‘cause it burns like Gonorrhea.  What was the Anchor to do?  Wipe wit’ his boxer shorts?  That’s what I did.  It’s strange, ‘cause when the temperature rises above 85-degrees Fahrenheit, the Anchor likes to rock Commando-Style.  Why I had boxers on was puzzlin’.

            I felt relieved, but when I settled back into the tent, ‘bout 20 minutes later, the old stomach was a rumblin’ again.  Sure ‘nuff, this was Round 2.  This time, I put shoes on and once again stumbled ‘round, comin’ to rest next to my front passenger side tire, and I felt hew comin’.  Yet another ass-blast. 

            To conclude: In the mornin’, I saw Johnny-On-The-Spots ‘bout 2 campsites over.  My first ass-blast was massive as a big-ass pile of cow shit.  I’m not kiddin’.  Finally, my 2^nd ass-blast was caked all over the rim of my front passenger side tire.  SERVED!

 

Tyin’ the Knot = BUNK!!!

By Mr. Rin Tin Tin

 

Dudes Magazine has reached an interestin’ crossroads; several members of the Dudes Magazine Staff and other Dudes close to members of the Staff are engaged to be married. BUNK!!!  I know this may surprise some of you Dudes out there (as it did the Dudes), but the Dudes are at a loss. What are the Dudes to do?

 

As all Dudes know, spendin’ too much time with a hen most certainly brings a Dude down. But, what does bein’ married do to a Dude? Can you be married and still be a Dude?  These questions and others are what the Dudes are forced to grapple with now that 8Bit, Lonewolf, Keef, and Gabe all have plans to get hitched. The Dudes have no doubt that the aforementioned Dudes are just that, Dudes, but the Dudes are fearful for the future. Will the married Dudes still want to party? Even if they do want to, will their old ladies allow them to party? It seems that there is little doubt that the married Dudes will do less partyin’ and not party as hard after they tie the knot.

 

The Dudes cannot help but wonder why the aforementioned Dudes have chosen this most cruel destiny for themselves, for they are so young and have many years left as young bucks. Why are they tyin’ themselves down?  One Dude who is especially troubled by this matter is the Anchor. The Anchor groans and a disturbed look comes over his face as soon as the topic of the impendin’ marriages is mentioned (not to mention, talk of offspring). The Anchor is terrified that he might soon be one of the only Dudes left still lookin’ to get funky on a regular basis. It seems that the Anchor’s fear is a legitimate one.

 

However, Dave-O, who has written for Dudes Mag a few times, has been married for several years now. He still seems to be a Dude, but he certainly has been more scarce and calls it a night much earlier than when he was a bachelor. The Dudes don’t want to lose more Dudes to the shackles of marriage, but they have little choice. All Dudes are free to make their own choices. All the Dudes can do is warn them of the Hell they are choosin’ to enter into at such a ripe age of Dudedom. So, to all you strappin’ young Dudes out there, enjoy your ripe years of bein’ a Dude and avoid getting’ hitched as long as you can (or never do it). Dudes only have so much time to really party down and be a Dude before society starts to harp on them, so don’t sacrifice your ripe years of Dudedom. JUST GET OUT THERE AND BE A DUDE!

 

Fun Fact # 1

 

Imo’s delivered the first pizza anywhere in 1964.

(EAT SHIT AGAIN CHICAGO!)

The Square IS Beyond Compare!

 

Digs

            In this, the fourth installment of Dudes Digs, there will be two articles.  The first one will be all about the hottest new way to get your stay on: The Set-Up.  The second one will be a Dudes On The Move piece done by the Anchor and B-Rad.  Let’s do it.

 

The Set-Up

By Nighthawk

 

            All Dudes wanna live on their own.  Bein’ away from Ma and Pa is GREAT!  You watch what you want to on T.V., get shit-faced at your leisure, and you can keep your things how you want ‘em.  What’s the worst part ‘bout havin’ your own pad?  FINANCES.  You are routinely broke and scroungin’ for greenbacks for adulders.  While it is sweet to get taint deep and loaded at your place that you pay for, rent sucks.  Bills suck.  Not eatin’ well ‘cause you’re short on funds for vittles sucks.  How do you fix all this real quick? Move back in wit’ Mom and Dad.  Of course, they have to be willin’ to have you back.  Movin’ back home is like tryin’ to get your old job back.  If you left the first time on bad terms, more than likely you won’t be welcome to come back.  On the other hand, if you leave the first time on good terms, everything’s gonna be alright.

            So when you move back home, you want your own space.  You were used to it while you were out on your own.  Even if you had your own room the last time you were there, you want something more.  What’s the biggest room in the house?  The Basement.  Provided you have one.  If you don’t, stop readin’ this now.  I mean it.  This piece will hold no relevance to your life as you know it.  Movin’ on.  Put all your gear and stuff in the basement.  You should have more than enough room to store gear down there.  You should also have more than enough room to set up your set-up.  Find 2 or 3 good walls which will serve as the frame.  Set up your mattress or tonnie.  Set up your T.V. Splice the cable from upstairs and run a line down to your Set-Up.  Next, Run a phone line down to the Set-Up.  You gotta be able to Get Your Call On. If you have any chairs or a sofa of any kind, place them in your Set-Up in a way that Dudes can chill in your set-up.  You also wanna put your stereo and dresser in your Set-Up if you have these accessories.  If not, there’s just one more thing you gotta do.  Put your stuff up on the walls and junk.  Make the Set-Up your own.  When Dudes walk into your Set-Up, you want them to know it’s yours.

           

 

One last thing to cover wit’ the Set-Up.  Rules and Guidelines.  There are just a few, so bare wit’ me. 

1 – The Set-Up MUST be open on at least one side. This means it cannot be completely closed off to the rest of the basement. This would make it a room, not a Set-Up.

2 – You MUST stay in your Set-Up.  You have to sleep there.  It ain’t a Set-Up if you don’t sleep in it. CASE CLOSED.

3 – The Set-Up can only be created after you move back home.  If you don’t already live on your own, you can’t just make a Set-Up.  It won’t count.  The point is this: You created the Set-Up ‘cause you’re callin’ the shots on their turf.  If you live wit’ your parents, it’s already your turf.  It’s far less confrontational.

            Lastly, there was a Set-Up Crew for a short while. It consisted of B-Rad, the Anchor, and yours truly.  It should be noted that S-Squared created what he thought was a Set-Up for himself ‘cause he heard ‘bout our Set-Ups.  His was not a Set-Up for 1 reason.  He doesn’t sleep there.  He sleeps at his girlfriend’s house.  If you got this Issue at the Release Party, then you now know where S-Squared sleeps on a nightly basis. Therefore S-Squared was never a member of the Set-Up Crew.

            Finally, B-Rad and the Anchor have since left their Set-Ups behind and now rent a house together.  You can read more ‘bout that in Dudes On The Move.  I guess that makes me the sole member of the Set-Up Crew.  I’m sort of the Jerry Only of Set-Ups.  Fuck You S-Squared!  WAIT!!!  STOP THE PRESSES!!!  I’m not the only member of the Set-Up Crew.  Weiner, former Gulf Shores Street Team, recently put together a Set-Up at New Dudes Hangout. Coincidently, his Set-Up is in the exact same location as the Anchor’s was.  I guess that means that they’re related or something.  Go on now, and set up that Set-Up!  Nighthawk.

On the Move

By the Anchor

 

            Yes, the Anchor is on the move again, leavin’ behind a killer Set-Up in Roy & Ann’s basement.  I have reclaimed myself on the southside of the city.  Many consider the city of St. Louis the Rapitol of the World.

 

4170 Bates

Cons of the move: - Havin’ to pay rent, bills, and for Vittles again

- Air Conditioner doesn’t work too well

- Bathroom is BUNK!

- NO CABLE T.V.!

- NO MAN TUB!

 

Pros of the move: - Havin’ Swoops(Nighthawk’s rap name)’ old phone # from Dudes Magazine World Headquarters Phase 2, a.k.a. Nighthawk Manor Phase 2

- Bein’ within walkin’ distance of many places:

Little D’s crib and Biffman’s digs

Super’s Bungalow and Lemmons bar

Carondelet Park

El Burrito Loco

- Jeff can jeff without Ann yellin’ at him

- Don’t have to hide porno tapes and Fuck Books from Rental Units

 

On the Move

By B-Rad

 

8715 Fatima Dr. I remember it well. I moved in to this traditional two story house shortly before the 4th grade some 15 years ago. It is my child hood home. I do miss the days of skateboardin’ and BMXn’ though the streets of Indian Hills with one Andy Wood. Causin’ a ruckus at the local swimmin’ pool, stealin’ candy from United Variety, and pushin’ carts at Save-A-Lot. The keg parties were many. Earth pipes were hidden, then found on the exact same day one year later (Tall Man). Basement WWF parties would be missed. But there comes a time when a Dude has to leave his rents' house for sweeter digs.

My travels have been many, and there are stories to tell. Booze, Buds, Babes & too many drunken evenings have been excessive in this Dude's years of livin’ on his own. I've decided to give a run down of some of the many highlights I have experienced over the years of bein’ on my own, as well as some of the lowlights that go along with them.

 

Dude's Digs #1 - The Anchor's Basement. A random week in late 1997.

Highlights

*I was out of the house.

Lowlights

*I got kicked out of the house.

 

Dude's Digs #2 -  The Jamieson Apartment. August 1998-January 1999 (address unknown)

Roommate - Dave Olsen

Highlights

*My first real experience of livin’ on my own, with life-long friend Dave-O.

*Uninterrupted sex in my own room. No more basement, car or dorm room sex. Wit’ the threat of a brother, sister, mother or father crashin’ the party now gone, well, we'll just leave it at that.

Lowlights

*The first month there, I slept in my parents’ basement ‘cause we had only one window unit, which was in Dave's room. You'd think he'd share the wealth!

 

Dude's Digs #3 - 6771 Nashville Ave. Apt A. July 2002 - July 2003

Roommates - Kevin Sherrel, Gabe Murr (sometimes)

Highlights

*The best highlight of all. We were in Dogtown. The heart of St. Louis' Irish  community. The best St. Patty's day I've ever had. Sunny skies, 70 degrees. Guinness and doughnuts at 9 a.m. The drinkin’ lasted straight ‘til ‘round 3 a.m. the next mornin’.

*Various keg parties in the enormous back yard. Bonfires in a stolen Forest Park trash can.

*Big Al racin’ my landlord's children's tricycles down my street at 3 a.m.

Lowlights

*Findin’ a snake under a week-old pizza box in the livin’ room.

*My roommate decidin’ that every square inch of our bedroom was a toilet, includin’ my dirty laundry basket.

*The possum that lived in our ceilin’.

*The filth.

 

Dude's Digs #4 - 5830 Cleveland Ave. 2nd. Floor.  July 2003-January 2004

Roomates - Kevin Sherrel, Tom Pitcher

Highlights

*Utilities included!

*Completely renovated.

*My own room.

*Roommate realizin’ that the floor, my laundry basket and any where else he passed out, was not the toilet. (Number 9 is the man)

*Formal cocktail party complete wit’ house blackjack table and full bar.

*Having four different whirleybirds in my bed in the six months I was there, as opposed to zero in the entire year of the Dogtown digs.

Lowlights

*Movin’ again six months later.

*The possum livin’ in our ceilin’, again!

*The filth.

 

Dude's Digs #5 - 8715 Fatima Dr. (back at the rents house!) January 2004 - March 2004

Roommates - My Family

Highlights

*Free food, cable, rent.

*Bein’ unemployed the entire time, which meant boozin’ every night and sleepin’ til 2 p.m. every day.

*The beginnin’ of the "Set-Up", which was one of many Dudes Set-Ups durin’ this time.

Lowlights

*Livin’ at home again.

*Ralph decidin’ to use the treadmill every mornin’ at 5:30 a.m. sharp, not 10 feet away from my bed. (which was a mattress on the basement floor.)

 

Dude's Digs #6 - 4170 Bates Ave. March 2004-???

Roomate - The Anchor. (aka. Squirrel, Midwest System, Butthead, Geoff)

Highlights

*My first real house instead of an apartment.

*Cheap rent.

*Central air.

*Radical porch.

*BBQ'n in the front yard.

*New band practice space.

*4 couches.

*Knowin’ that the highlights aren't even close to bein’ fulfilled. We've only been here for four months. The basement isn't even set up yet. Shuffleboard? Beer Pong? Smoke-Outs?

Lowlights

*The super fuckin’ insane neighbors. And not like, good super fuckin’ insane neighbors. Like, "fuck man, we have super fuckin’ insane neighbors."

 

            This Dude hopes you've enjoyed takin’ the much traveled trip down memory lane. Who knows, maybe next Issue I'll write an article entitled "Nomad Dudes", because by then I'm sure I'll be living somewhere else.

 

B-Rad

 

Dudely Dude Profile

By Nighthawk

 

            Let me start by sayin’ that the idea of Matthew Lesko bein’ a Dudely Dude didn’t quite go over all that well in the last issue.  Apparently some Dudes aren’t down wit’ gettin’ free money from Uncle Scam to start their own business, pay off bills, or go on a vacation.  If you don’t like free money, that’s your problem.  Personally, I like it when money just falls into my lap.  But that’s me, not you.  This article is one of opinion.  And it’s my opinion that Mr. Lesko is a Dudely Dude.  That bein’ said, we’ll move on. 

            In this issue, we’ll talk ‘bout a Dude who works in the field of sports.  Both on radio and on T.V., Jim Rome rules the airwaves.  He, like the Dude writin’ this piece, is a man of opinion.  You may not always agree wit’ what he has to say, but you have to agree that he only says what he believes is right.

 

Jim Rome

           

Jim Rome graduated from the University of California, Santa Barbara in 1987 wit’ a degree in Communications.  Not knowin’ the Dude personally, I would say that this is where is all started.  Some 17 years ago in Santa Barbara is where Mr. Rome started to make his way to become the world’s most opinionated voice in sports broadcastin’.  Jim’s first gig was at KTMS, Santa Barbara.  He was the traffic reporter who made $5 an hour. PATHETIC GIG!  He also covered UC Santa Barbara’s sports.  From there, he went to work at San Diego’s all sports station, XTRA Sports 690.

            It was in San Diego that The Jungle was born.  On the station’s late-night show, Jim Rome debuted his “smack”.  The term refers to sports talk in a gloatin’ and uninhibited manner.  GOOD WORK JIM ROME!  His style of broadcastin’ yielded high ratings.  In 1996, Premiere Radio Networks acquired exclusive syndication rights and the program, to this day, continues to pick up affiliates throughout the country.  In Saint Louis, the show is broadcast on KRFT 1190, The Sports Explosion, from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.  CHECK IT OUT!  For the affiliate in your town, go to the website for a list of them.

            From there, Jim Rome hosted ESPN2’s Talk2, a nightly one-hour interview show. After that, he hosted The Last Word with Jim Rome, which was broadcast nightly on Fox Sports Net.  He did that for 5 years.  These days, Jim Rome hosts Rome Is Burning.  The LIVE sports show is broadcast weekly for one hour on ESPN at 7 p.m. EST.  CHECK IT OUT!  If you don’t have cable, GET IT! 

            Mr. Rome’s radios show, The Jim Rome Show, is aired on more than 185 radio stations each weekday.  More than 2 MILLION listeners tune in every day.  GET THOSE NUMBERS UP!  TUNE IN!  The listeners are called clones.  Rome’s opinion on things is called his “take”.  The number one rule on the show is IF YOU DON’T HAVE A TAKE, DON’T BOTHER E-MAILIN’ IT IN!  Speakin’ of e-mail, there is an e-mail contest on the show.  There is a segment at the end of each show called the HUGE CALL, which is when a clone calls in and goes on a rant for a minute or two.  How Great! 

            Rome’s callers almost always end their phone call with the words I’M OUT.  It means you’re done with whatever it was you were talkin’ ‘bout.  Jim will repeatedly say, “HAVE A TAKE, DON’T SUCK.”  To keep up wit’ all the slang used in The Jungle, go to Romey’s website and check out the Smacktionary, which is on the Jungle page.  The address is www.jimrome.com 

            In addition to the radio and T.V. shows which are broadcast from Los Angeles, Jim Rome hits the road as well.  Takin’ his show to towns such as Kansas City, Cincinnati, Detroit, and Austin, the Jim Rome World Tour brings the show home to the lucky clones who live there.  3 or 4 times a year, the show hits a select city.  Other sports celebrities besides Rome are there and help to make the show a great time for the clones. 

            I don’t have any more to say ‘bout this Dude.  He kicks ass in the world of sports broadcastin’.  There’s no one else like him.  As for Max Kellerman, the host of that crappy show on FSN called I, Max, he doesn’t come close to Romey. In fact, I thinks it’s safe to say that Max Kellerman is the poor man’s version of Jim Rome.  Kellerman’s show has only been on the air since May 3^rd of this year, but already it sucks!  Bottom line, Jime Rome is a Dudely Dude. Check out his shows and check out his website. 

I’M OUT!

 

Fun Fact # 2

 

Louis Armstrong was arrested on New Year’s Eve, 1912 at the age of 11 by New Orleans Police for firin’ a pistol into the air to celebrate the New Year.  He was sent to the New Orleans Colored Waifs’ Home for Boys for 2 years.

 

 

 ‘Views

 

            In this new section of Dudes Magazine, one or two nationally tourin’ bands will be interviewed when they come through the Rapitol of the World or a nearby city.  For this inaugural edition of Dudes ‘Views, Nighthawk interviewed The Methadones.  Let’s see what these rockin’ Dudes had to say for themselves.

 

The Methadones

By Nighthawk

            On the evenin’ of March 25, 2004, I headed down to the Creepy Crawl.  I was excited to see Dillinger 4 and The Methadones.  I was even more excited to interview The Methadones.  I went to the show by myself, ‘cause S-Squared claimed he got called into the Salt Mines and couldn’t go.  BUNK!  I later found out from a Dude at his work that he, in fact, did not go to work. MEGA BUNK!!!  Anyway, I could handle this interview myself.

            When I walked up to the Creepy Crawl, the line had already formed and the doors had not yet been opened.  I remembered that Dan Schafer had told me in Carbondale, at a Methadones show about a month earlier, that the band would be at Dapper Dan’s, a bar located next to the Creepy Crawl, before the show.  I headed over there and sat down at the bar.  I ordered a B.H.G.N. for a cool $2.25, and walked over to where the Dudes from Chicago were chillin’.  I introduced myself and we began to bullshit a little bit.  Then I started the interview wit’ Mike Byrne-Guitar and Dan Schafer-Vocals and Guitar.  Pete Mittler-Bass and Mike Soucy-Drums had to head back to the club to take care of band shit.

 

The Methadones at the Creepy Crawl

 

Nighthawk: How long has this lineup been together?

Dan: 2 years.

 

Nighthawk: What other lineups, if any, have there been?

Dan: On the first record, I sang and played guitar. B-Face from The Queers, The Mopes, and Groovie Ghoulies played bass.  Dan Lumley from Squirtgun, The Mopes, and Screeching Weasel played drums.  Those two couldn’t play full-time and went back to their respective cities(Boston and West Lafayette, IN), so then Mike Byrne from Chicago joined the band to play guitar, Pete Mittler(also from the Windy) on bass, and a local Dude named Tre was on drums.  Shortly after that, we kicked Tre out and Matt Drastic(Nashville, TN) from Teen Idols played drums on the second record, Career Objective.  Matt already had prior commitments with Teen Idols, so Mike Soucy, from  the Rhode Island and D.C. punk scenes replaced him on drums.  Mike has been with us ever since.

 

Nighthawk: How many albums have you released?

Dan: 2.  Ill At Ease was released on A-F Records(Pittsburgh) in Summer of 2001.  Career Objective was released on Stardumb Records(The Netherlands) in Europe, Japan, and Australia in early 2003.  The album was also released throughout the United States on Thick Records(Chicago) in July of 2003.  We were also on a comp that came out on Go-Kart Records. It’s called the MP300 Raceway.  There are 300 songs on it from 150 bands.   

 

Nighthawk: How long will you Dudes be out on this tour?

Dan: 1 week.  5 shows.  In April, we will be out for 3 weeks on tour in the South and the East Coast.

 

Nighthawk: What do you like most about bein’ on tour?

Dan: Hangin’ out and cuttin’ it up with the locals. 

Mike: Hittin’ the local bars.

 

Nighthawk: What band have you enjoyed bein’ on tour with the most?

Dan and Mike: Dillinger 4(Minneapolis), The Unseen(Boston), and Kill Your Idols(New York).

 

Nighthawk: What’s your favorite place to play in Chicago?

Dan and Mike: Fireside Bowl(2646 W. Fullerton).

 

Nighthawk: What’s your favorite place to drink back in Chicago?

Dan: Club Foot(1824 W. Augusta) and Fireside.

Mike: Club Foot, leave, and then come back to Club Foot.

 

Nighthawk: What’s your favorite beer?

Dan: Bud.

Mike: I’m not a big beer drinker.  I just drink whatever Dan drinks.  I’ll tell you what my favorite hard liquor is.

 

Nighthawk: What’s your favorite hard liquor?

Mike: Jameson.  We’ve got a bottle of it in the van.  Maybe after the show we’ll go out to the van and drink Jameson and play Bag Tag.

 

Nighthawk: Maybe.  Bein’ from Chicago, are you guys Cubs fans or White Sox fans?

Dan: Northsider.  I’m a Cubs fan.

Mike: I’m not really a sports fan.

 

Nighthawk: What’s the coolest band you’ve played with?

Dan: Musically, I would say Duvall(ex-Smoking Popes). Funwise, I would say Dillinger 4.  Rocket From The Crypt was cool, but their singer was a dick.  We played with the Misfits, and Cheetah Chrome from the Dead Boys played guitar.  That was cool, but they sucked.

Mike: Yeah, I would say Dillinger 4.

Nighthawk: What’s the coolest place you’ve played?

Dan: Cobo Hall in Detroit.  That’s where Kiss – Alive! was recorded.  The Fillmore in San Francisco was also a cool place to play because of the history of bands who’ve played there.

Mike: Agora Ballroom in Cleveland.  Cheap Trick played there.

 

Nighthawk: What’s the worst place you’ve played?

Mike and Dan: Pop’s in East Saint Louis.

 

Nighthawk: My favorite song on Career Objective, is T.V. World.  What’s your favorite T.V. show?

Mike: Currently, I would say Arrested Development. Overall, Silver Spoons and Different Strokes.

Dan: The old Twilight Zone(1959-1964 on CBS).

 

Nighthawk: Dan, is All in the Family one of your favorite shows or did you just mention it in T.V. World ‘cause it rhymed wit’ a previous line in the song?

Dan: It’s up there in my top 5.  Sanford and Son is too.

 

Nighthawk: You know that Redd Foxx(played Fred Sanford on the show) is from Saint Louis?

Dan and Mike: No. Really?

 

Nighthawk: Yeah.

Dan and Mike: Cool.

 

Nighthawk: Do you like playin’ in Saint Louis?

Mike: Yeah.  We always have a good time. 

Dan: We like it here.  This is our fourth time.

 

Nighthawk: If you could tour wit’ any band or recording artist who is still around, who would it be?

Mike: Cheap Trick.

Dan: The same.

 

Nighthawk: What’s in store in the next few months for the Methadones?

Dan: The new album, Pop Is Dead, is nearly done.  It will be out at the end of the summer on Thick Records.  It has 12 songs.  Maybe a single off it will be pre-released in the near future.

Mike: We’re gonna start learnin’ a bunch of old cover songs to play at parties.

Dan: Yeah.  We’re gonna play all-cover sets at parties in Chicago with local bands.

 

Nighthawk: Alright.  Cool.  Well thanks a lot for takin’ the time to do this interview for Dudes Magazine.

Dan: No problem.  It was fun.

Mike: Yeah.  Cool.  See ya later.

Nighthawk: Alright.

 

Nighthawk, Dan Schafer, and Mike Byrne

 

The interview was a success.  Dan invited me to a free beer back at the Creepy Crawl.  I didn’t get the free beer, but I did have a good time at the show.  The Methadones finished up their set wit’ “Storm the Streets”, a Riverdales tune.  The sound board at the Crawl blew out during the song.  All you could hear was drums and guitars comin’ outta the amps.  No vocals or bass.  After they finished the song there was about and hour delay before two strange Dudes came in wit’ a back-up board.  Dillinger 4 was able to play their set and they rocked.  The show was well worth it.  Rock On!

 

Jaunts

By Nighthawk

 

            In Issues 2 and 3, Dudes Jaunts told tales of partyin’ in S-Town and Beer City.  This time, we’ll leave the wonderful region known as the Midwest and venture south to Alabama!  That’s right, the “Heart of Dixie”.  The state bird of Alabama is the Yellowhammer, the state rock is Marble, and the American Folk Dance of Alabama is the SQUARE DANCE!!!  YEE-HAW!!! 

            Back in the early part of this year, 2004 for those of you without calendars, Midwest System had asked me to accompany him on a journey to visit his brother Weiner(former Dudes Mag Street Team – Gulf Shores) in Mobile, AL.  It was Weiner’s last semester at Spring Hill College and he had not yet visited him.  A sucker for road trips, I immediately said yes.  We planned the trip for March 19-22.  It was sure to be one Helluva good time.

            On the evenin’ of Thursday, March 18, I left the Salt Mines around 9:30 p.m. CST(central standard time) for New Dudes Hangout.  My rigg was packed wit’ my gear and I was supposed to meet up Midwest System, as he is known durin’ the Winter months, and head south on The Double Nickel in his rigg.  On my way to pick his ass up, two things besides the upcomin’ trip were runnin’ through my mind.  1-How did I pass out 3 different times throughout the previous day and live?  2-Why did I get the phone number of a whirleybird I used to hang out wit’ in High School who was known as “The Vacuum”?  Then, I answered these 2 very difficult questions quite simply. 1-Drinkin’ a pint of Crown Royal(80 proof Canadian whiskey) to start off a St. Patrick’s Day in which I would end up drinkin’ about a dozen Bud Heavy Shortnecks and a couple Rum & Cokes for a nightcap will make almost anyone pass out 3 times.  Good work ME!  2-Scorin’ the digits from The Vacuum was one of my best moves this year.  I never actually got taint deep wit’ the Slurd, so this acquisition gives me the opportunity to Take Care of Unfinished Business !  Wow, was I brilliant on that great holiday! 

Nighthawk at St. Patrick's Day parade in Dogtown

 

Back to the story.  I get to N.D.H.O. and Midwest System starts squawkin’ ‘bout how he wants to go up to The Hole and have a few beers before we leave.  Then, he thought we oughtta catch a few winks before hittin’ the open road early the next mornin’.  I was adamantly opposed to this idea.  I wanted to leave immediately so we would have all of Friday to fuck around in Mobile.  But Midwest System won that fight.  We hit up The Hole for a few Heavies and then slept for a few hours at N.D.H.O.  Finally, around 4:30 a.m. on Friday the 19^th, we hit the Interstate.  The internet printout of the drivin’ directions from STL to Mobile said 10 hours and 53 minutes.  I figured we’d shave off an hour or so on account of the night drivin’.  We shall see.

            After sleepin’ all the way to Hernando, Mississippi, we pulled off to fuel up Midwest System’s rigg.  Hernando, by the way, is just south of Memphis.  It was 8:30 a.m.  All I remember ‘bout Hernando was readin’ on the cover of the local paper that the Mississippi Supreme Court had just recently ruled that sex toys could no longer be sold in the Magnolia State. What a shame.  Midwest System chose to stay at The Helm.  Based on how far we’d driven up to this point, I called that we’d “Roll in at 3 p.m.”  One thing ‘bout Mississippi was that the local FM stations(tape player was busted) played a lot of Dido.  And I mean A LOT!!!  Once again, at 12:30 p.m., we stopped off for Go-Go Juice.  We were in Collins, MS and I dropped cotton for the first time on the trip.  I also took over at the helm.  Up to this point, Midwest System had driven 538 miles over the course of 8 hours.  I figured he needed a break.

            The only thing worth mentionin’ is that we did drive right by Southern Miss, where Brett Favre went to college, while cruisin’ on US 98 Eastbound in Hattiesburg.  We rolled into Mobile at 2:30 p.m.  I had driven 118 miles in 2 hours.  This puts the total number of miles for the first half of the trip at 656.  Total drive time was 10 hours.  I guess I was right ‘bout that time, huh?

            After Weiner gave us Dudes the grand tour of his digs and we each hit the rain locker, we went to a sports bar called Wings Sports Grille for some tender vittles.  It was happy hour, so we figured what’s the harm in some mixed drinks?  We both started off wit’ a Gin & Tonic.  After seein’ that the $2.75 drink came in a 6-ounce glass, I switched over to a B.H.G.N. The small size of the drink didn’t seem to bother Midwest System, as he ordered a Rum & Coke. I ordered the Hickory Burger and Midwest System went for the Alabama Chicken Tender Platter.  You gotta lay your groundwork for a night of boozin’. 

            After we ate, Weiner cut through Spring Hill’s campus on the way back to his house.  We got sort of a drive-through tour of the College.  He pointed out to me that Babe Ruth once played on the school’s baseball field, which he said is the oldest in the United States.  Before headin’ back to his house, Weiner had to stop off for some Butt Paper at Bruno’s(local grocer).  Midwest System and I were very surprised to see that a sixer of Icehouse(5.5% alcohol) was sellin’ for $2.99!!!  We each grabbed one.        

Weiner's crib in Mobile, AL

 

Back at Weiner’s, we watched some of the NCAA Tournament while we knocked back a few of The House.  A couple of tiny taints and a Douche-Cool were en route from Champaign, IL to Panama City, FL and were gonna be stayin’ at Weiner’s for the night.  At approximately 10:40 p.m., the two hens took a shower together.  How cool is that for the first night of our trip?  VERY COOL!  It was shortly after that bitchin’ occurrence that I swerved on over to Chevron for a couple more sixers of the House.  I passed out around Midnight(I guess) and totally missed what was to be the official ceremony for Midwest System becomin’ the Anchor on account of it officially bein’ the first day of Spring.  Around 5 a.m., we were woken up by the two Slurds who were stayin’ the night.  It seemed that when they get all fucked up, they get very, very loud and annoyin’.  Big Coincidence for a hen to get drunk and loud.(SARCASM!!!)  everthing worked out though.  We had some more Icehouse and watched some Family Guy.  It was sort of a make-up ceremony for the Anchor.  After a couple beers, we went back to sleep until about 10 a.m.  The Anchor played wit’ Bo-Dozer, the house dog, and we had some brand-spankin’ new Home Style Pizza from The Hut.  One of Weiner’s roommates worked there and got his hands on this brand new pizza which was only debuting in a handful of cities.  Mobile was one lucky town.  It tasted like crap. All Pizza Hut does. 

            After the Douche-Cool and the Slurds headed for P.C., we headed for the beach.  It was a cool 81 degrees Fahrenheit that Saturday afternoon in Mobile and the Anchor and I were ready to hit the waves.  On the way to the beachfront, we stopped off at Bruno’s On the Beach for some House. I also scored a beach towel ‘cause I left the one I brought on the trip back at Weiner’s pad.  Weiner purchased a bag of Rollitos, a new bite-size tortilla snack from Doritos.  The new snack was BUNK! 

            About 2 p.m., we stepped on the sand and cracked our first beers of the day.  We immediately dropped cotton and lubed up wit’ suntan lotion.  SPF 30.  You gotta protect yourself from those harmful UV’s. We hit the water for some body surfin’.  Although it was only the first day of Spring, it felt like the first day of Summer.  The water temp was a bit cool though.  After scopin’ for babes for a while, we set our sights on one bodacious broad.  She was the definition of smokin’ hot.  Tall, skinny, and tan.  And a white bikini!  Awesome.  Weiner’s friend Mike, the Anchor, Weiner, and I all agreed that within 5-10 seconds of puttin’ our respective love chisels in her, our poles would melt ‘cause of the heat and we would be done. It was at this point that I realized we were in the presence of a Douche McDouche.  I know, a Douche McDouche wit’ a couple of the Dudes.  How lame! The D-Bag came down to Mobile wit’ a friend of one of Weiner’s roommates from Illinois.  We all figured that is was ‘cause the friend of the roommates needed someone to help drive and pay for gas.  Logical.  But why select a Douchebag for this position?  This is one of the many mysteries of the Universe that we’ll never know the answer to.  Anyway, the Douche McDouche said he could go for 30-45 minutes wit’ the babe.  If you Dudes readin’ this now could have seen this piece on the beach that day, you would agree that you wouldn’t make it more than a minute or 2.  Case closed.  It was also at this point that we found out that the D-Bag in question didn’t drink booze.  He only drank Mug root beer.  GAY-WAD!  He also claimed to have once been a male model.  Even Gayer!! From now on, he will be known as the Male Model. It’s easier on these hands which are typin’ up the article you are now readin’.

            As we were gatherin’ up our empties on the beach, we scoped out a couple of totally sweet hens.  They were getting’ their tan on just a few yards in front of us.  I even got a picture in a very inconspicuous manner.  At this point, a couple of little girls(7 or 8 years old) came runnin’ up to the hot girls wit’ cries of “Mommy” and “Mom”.  Then we knew it was time to leave the beach.  We had been scopin’ out a couple of little girls’ moms.  HOW PATHETIC, YET RAD AT THE SAME TIME!  On the way back to the riggs, Weiner’s friend Mike introduced us to a couple of new terms.  He referred to a whirleybird’s ass a her DUMPER.  Dumper is the only word he used when referrin’ to the fairer sex’s derriere.  The second new term learned that day was The Sleeper.  This is when a Dude sits on his hand and waits for it to fall asleep.  Then, you jerk-off wit’ it.  How bitchin’ is that?  Very Bitchin’.  In addition to those two hot new terms, Mike introduced the Anchor and I to a very cool sharade/gesture.  Prepare yourselves for this one.  It’s off the motha-fuckin’ chizain.  When you wanna ask another Dude if he got some action the night before, you make a fist wit’ your right hand, grab your right forearm wit’ your left hand, and make a downward/counter-clockwise motion wit’ your right fist.  It’s an easy way to find out if the Dude got some if the tiny taint is still in the room.  You don’t even have to open your mouth.  The best part is that she won’t know anything ‘bout it. 

            About 4:30 p.m., we stopped in at the Flora-Bama Lounge. It’s a 3-level bar located on the Florida/Alabama state line.  It’s also right on the beach.  It was at the Flora-Bama that I first realized that a Sharpie would have come in handy.  Everything at the bar was wood.  Tables, chairs, walls, floors, railings, etc.  They were also all marked up wit’ people’s names and the dates they were there.  It was obviously kosher to mark up the place. We each started off wit’ a Bushwacker.  It’s a Rum drink mixed wit’ a little chocolate.  It tastes like a chocolate milkshake wit’ Rum in it.  Very good. Then we moved onto a pitcher of Bud Heavy.  They’re only 5 bucks.  For 9, you get to keep the pitcher.  Made of heavy-duty plastic, the pitcher has the bar’s logo on the outside of it.  I decided to keep it.  While we were on the top level of the bar, some skydivers were landin’ on the nearby beach.  At this point in the day, Mike was askin’ the Anchor and me what Kevin Millar(1^st baseman for the Boston Red Sox) is talkin’ ‘bout when he says “Cowboy Up”. He’s tellin’ everyone that they need to get tough and stand up.  Right after I explained that to Mike, a really drunk girl fell off her stool and landed on the ground.  In the process, she spilled her fruity-girly drink(probably a Strawberry Daiquiri) on the side of her face.  Mike then yelled, “Cowboy Down!”  HAHAHA!!!!!  Rift after that two rednecks(literally speakin’) rushed in for the kill.  Within minutes the redneck wit’ his shirt half-buttoned had the drunk girl sittin’ on his lap.  It looked like a match made in heaven.  Only at the Flora-Bama.  Shortly after that scene, we decided to head back to town.  We had a party to go to.

            We stopped at Foosachly’s for some tender vits.  The place only served chicken strips.  I rocked the Bigger Box.  Priced at a reasonable $6.99, it contained 7 chicken fingers, French fries, and Texas Toast.  You also got to choose your own sauce.  To wash it all down, the meal came wit’ a 20 oz. Fountain drink.  Mike, Weiner, the Anchor, and I had no problem enjoyin’ our meals on account of the Male Model rode back to town in a different rigg. 

            Around 9 p.m., we got back to Weiner’s.  After hittin’ the rain locker, we headed up to Spring Hill.  Several school busses were takin’ students who had purchased tickets to a private party at a club downtown.  The name of the place was Soul Kitchen.  The name of the game was hot girls everywhere.  There was an upstairs, which allowed you to look straight down girls shirts who were cuttin’ a rug down below.  It was at Soul Kitchen that the Anchor and I declared Saint Louis the “new rap capitol of the world”.  Or, Rapitol if you will.  This was based on the fact that we have Nelly, Chingy, and J-Kwon(or, as we called him at the time – The Other Guy).  Nelly, Chingy, and J-Kwon all had songs playin’ at the club we were at.  Outside, there was a balcony.  That balcony made it possible for us to see the club across the street get raided around Midnight.  Apparently, 4-six-2 lost their liquor license a few weeks earlier.  What got them into trouble was the fact that they didn’t stop sellin’ booze.  A couple of paddy-wagons and 4 or 5 squad cars showed up and took all the booze and made a couple of arrests.  The whole time, we had a bird’s eye view.  Shortly after, we took a bus back to campus and got in Weiner’s car.  We stopped at Chevron for some more Icehouse.  Some of the folks from the club were on their way to Weiner’s house.

            After partyin’ for just a couple of hours longer, everyone split and we decided to pass out.  The next day, we woke up around noon.  I hit the rain locker, and then left a couple copies of Issues 2 and 3.  I was out of Issue 1.  We got on the road at 12:25 p.m.  The Anchor was at the Helm.  We heard even more Dido on the FM radio in Mississippi.  It was decided at this point, by the Anchor, that Dido would suck his dick, my dick, and Craig Kilborn’s dick.  What a slut!  It was also around this time that I was readin’ my Elvis Presley: Unseen Archives book.  I read a line aloud to the Anchor on page 205 that talked ‘bout Elvis’s wardrobe for the filmin’ of  Fun in Acapulco(1963).  It cost $9300 – but didn’t include underwear ‘cause Elvis didn’t wear any.  This really struck a chord wit’ the Anchor ‘cause he goes commando on many occasions.  At 3:15 p.m., we stopped in Jackson, MS to fuel up.  I was immediately disappointed wit’ the fillin’ station when I saw that the men’s room door wouldn’t lock.  I couldn’t lay cable!  BUNK!!  Also, the guy in front of me in line was a HUGE DICKHEAD!  He was bitchin’ to the attendant, who had nothin’ to do wit’ it, that the women’s room was filthy and that his wife and daughter refused to use it.  There was evidently no butt paper.  So what.  Use your sleeves bitches!  SHIT!  After fuelin’ up, I took over behind the wheel.  It was 3:30p.m. and we wanted to get into Memphis by early evenin’ so we could get our party on.  It’s a damn good thing I was now behind the wheel. 

            Around 5 o’clock, the Anchor called S-Squared to see how the Shortnecks did that day in their kickball matches.  Much to our surprise, the team had lost by scores of 20-2 and 10-7.  The Anchor then yelled out, “20-2!  What the FUCK!  How do you lose 20-2?!”  After an hour and a half of ponderin’ how you could lose by 18 runs in kickball, we stopped in at the Tennessee Welcome Center which was just south of Memphis.  I took a leak and the Anchor drained the main vein.  We scored hotel coupons and travel brochures.  We decided on shackin’-up at a Super 8 in Memphis.  It was $34.99 for one bed wit’ cable T.V.  How could we pass?  We actually ended up in Arkansas twice before we even found the hotel.  It was located right on the river, but we didn’t see it ‘til we passed up the exit.  So we’d have to cross the Mighty Miss and then turn around and come back.  It happened twice.  In any event, we checked in, and before we headed to Beale Street, we changed our clothes in the parkin’ lot of the motel.  At this time, we saw two very hot babes pull their rigg up and walk into the hotel.  THE BONUS: they were from the Show-Me State!!!  RADICAL!

           

Nighthawk in front of the pool at Graceland

 

On Beale Street, we grabbed a bite at the Rum Boogie Cafe.  There was a $3 cover.  It was worth it, as there was a blues band playin’.  We checked them out after we noshed on our vittles.  I got the Boogie Burger w/ Cheddar and the Anchor sunk his chompers into the Mozzarella Sticks. I rocked a few Whiskey & Cokes, while the Anchor got down n dirty wit’ a couple of Rum & Cokes.  From there, we hit up Silky O’Sullivan’s.  There were two Dudes playin’ cover requests on piano.  The pianos were facin’ each other.  I requested “Johnny B. Goode”.  It took them a while, but they did rock that tune out for us.  We each had a couple of B.H.G.N.’s before we decided to have some Hurricanes.  We didn’t much feel like payin’ for ‘em, so we put them on Roy’s Credit Card.  Thanks ROY!  Both bars were also places I could’ve used a Sharpie.  Dudes from all over had marked up the walls at these joints.  We could’ve had DUDES MAG on the walls of Beale Street.  BUNK on my part! 

            The last stop of the night was Alfred’s, a karaoke bar. Neither of us sing karaoke, but it’s always fun to see drunk idiots get up there and do it.  To keep on track wit’ the Dido relevance to the trip, we did see a fat girl sing a Dido song at the bar.  When she got on stage, the Anchor said, “Is that a really fat girl or is she pregnant?”  It turned out that she was just morbidly obese.  You know a good night out on the town’s not complete without Jeff.  When we got back to the motel room around Midnight, we watched some Adult Swim while we talked to Waller.  And we did catch part of a Greg Kinnear movie called, Auto Focus(2002), in which he play’s Hogan’s Heroes star Bob Crane.  The plot is that he’s a sex fiend.  The bag was also licked for Jeff crystals.

            By 11 a.m. on Monday, we had checked out of the Super 8 and were on our way to Sun Studios.  This place is the home to such rock n roll legends as Elvis, Jerrly Lee Lewis, Carl Perkins, Johnny Cash, and Roy Orbison.  They don’t let you take pictures on the tour, so we just bought some souvenirs and split.  By noon, we were at Graceland.  We took the tour of the mansion.  It was Anchor’s first time there and my fourth.  On the tour, we learned that some people actually jump into the pool in the backyard.  Elvis never even swam in the pool.  He was afraid of deep water.  By 2 p.m., we were headin’ north on the Double Nickel.  The Anchor drove all the way back.  We heard a benefit show for 88.1 KDHX in St. Louis.  I guess they raised enough money, ‘cause they’re still on the air.  We got back around 5:45 p.m.  We didn’t even miss The Simpsons!  How cool! 

            The trip was a blast.  If there’s anything we learned, it was that Male Models are complete Douchebags, Mississippi loves DIDO, and if you’re lookin’ for sex toys, don’t go to Mississippi.  Over and out & have fun on the open road.  Look out for those Smokeys.  Nighthawk.       

 

Fun Fact # 3

 

  Peter Jennings, host of ABC NEWS’ World News Tonight, is a High School Dropout.

 

Baseball Trivia

By Lonewolf

 

-Frank Robinson, Vada Pinson, and Curt Flood all played on the same high school team at McClymonds High School in Oakland, CA.  Together, they combined for 7,375 hits in the majors.

 

-When Mark McGwire set a new franchise record with 162 walks in 1998, whose record did he break?

           - Jack Crooks, who walked 136 times in 1892.

           - Jack Clark, who did the same in 1987.

 

-Red Sox great Carl Yastrzemski had one of the greatest home-field advantages in Major League Baseball history, batting .306 at Fenway Park durin’ his career, but only .264 on the road.

 

-Through 2002, there have been 578 games played in World Series history.  Twelve of them have ended in home runs.

 

-Which of the following players was not a college basketball star before makin’ it to the Majors?

      -     Delino Deshields

-           Kenny Lofton

-           Tony Gwynn(Lonewolf’s favorite player ever)

-           Jackie Robinson

ANSWER: Delino Deshields - He did not even go to college(whoop whoop), but was a hoops star in high school.

 

***The Cardinals 1964 World Championship team featured three players who went on to even greater fame as broadcasters:

- Tim McCarver (mondo-bag)

            - Mike Shannon (possibly one of the baddest Dudes ever)

            - Bob Uecker (Major League, “Mr. Belvedere”, St. Louis Cardinals...any Dude would kill to have that resume)

 

-Name the only three Cardinal outfielders to ever win a Gold Glove Award.

1. Curt Flood - 7 gold gloves

            2. Willie McGee - 3 gold gloves

            3. Jim Edmonds - 3 gold gloves(and counting)

 

-Which MLB bad-ass went the longest between two MVP seasons?

            -Willie Mays - He was the National League MVP in 1954 and 1965.(Too bad his God-son is a major asshole and jerk-off.)

 

-Who is the only pitcher to throw a no-hitter in his first Major League start?

-Bobo Holloman of the STL Browns in 1953...It was his first of 6 wins in the big leagues.

                                                           

-What batter had the most career at-bats against Nolan Ryan without ever strikin’ out?

-Fernando Valenzuela - This Dude batted 12 times against the Ryan Express without a strikeout, and this Dude was a pitcher...whaaaaa?

 

-In 1992, when the Toronto Blue Jays became the 1st Canadian team to win the World Series title, their roster included Americans, Puerto Ricans, and Dominicans, but no Canadians.  Fucked up, huh.

-What was the worst team ever to have a 60 home run hitter on its roster?

            -1999 Chicago Cubs(They were 67-95, while Sosa hit 63 dingers)

 

Fun Fact # 4

 

Tom Brokaw, host of NBC’s Nightly News, is a College Dropout.

 

 

Waitin’ for “Street Fightin’ Man”

(Or, Come Along and Throw Your Jukebox Money into the Fucking Inferno)

 

An Essay in Five Parts, with an Introduction by the Author

 

By Dave-O

 

The jukebox at the 19^th Hole Lounge is a fickle mistress. Or, rather, she is a fecal mistress, in that she often spews such total and utter shit that a Dude’s only recourse is to cower screamin’ in the corner with red-brown drops of blood trailin’ from the fragile tympanum of said Dude’s acute and refined ears. Even rare moments of musical reprieve in the form of, say, Marvin Gaye, are basically bastardized by their overwhelmin’ frequency. Which is to say, the so-called “good” songs are denied their intrinsic goodness by the fact that they are routinely played with little to no discretion. Which is to say that if I hear “Let’s Get It On” one more fuckin’ time, my Busch gooseneck is getting’ broken regardless of how much beer is left and – busted-up and shard-shiny – will be soon stabbed repeatedly in the throat of whoever is at the jukebox hoola-hoopin’ their pelvis and wink-winkin’, “Yeah, let’s get it on, heh heh heh.” Every Monday night, the ghost of Marvin Gaye – still reekin’ of sex – rolls over in his grave and curses the soullessness of the dumb bastard whose immoderate repetition of this song forsakes the presumed intimacy with which it was composed and, ideally, should still exist.

The purpose of this exposé is to offer a critical analysis of the sad state of the modern jukebox by generally lambastin’ five of the songs that were heard on May 18, 2004 at the 19th Hole Lounge. Sadly, none of these were the situationally appropriate and generally undislikeable “Street Fightin’ Man,” by the Rolling Stones, which, for whatever reason, I have decided represents a beacon on the otherwise desolate and uninhabitable landscape of the Saturn II jukebox, of which the 19th Hole Lounge is a shameful owner. There was no “Street Fightin’ Man” this night; rather, the slack selections of Saturn II offered only a pitiful parade of acidic shit-slugs that bore into unsuspectin’ ears, settled down, and started the parasitic families that will now feast forever on your sanity.

 

 

1. “Why Don’t We Get Drunk” – Jimmy Buffet

 

Ideally, this song is perfect. Getting’ drunk? Yes, let’s. Screwin’? Again, let’s. But Buffet’s manifesto of hedonistic excess reeks most despicably of the corporate commodification of both intoxication and sex, neither of which really needs this so-called anthem to be encouraged. It is best, rather, to just let these things happen. Just as repetition cheapens the erotic experience of “Let’s Get It On,” the fact that Jimmy Buffet actually has to suggest these two wonderful – and often inextricably linked – human desires denies a dude his right to the very free will by which he will choose (or, in the case of screwin’, sometimes beg) to engage in these acts. It is in this sense, therefore, that Jimmy Buffet can be regarded as none other than Satan himself. It is of principal significance that his fans (or, minions) are proudly self-proclaimed “Parrotheads,” doomed forever to mimicry of their master and the servile repetition of his demonic psalm. 

 

 

 

2. “Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” – U2

 

Can what I’m lookin’ for be found in the bottom of the bottle into which I am currently staring as I drain whatever was left of my beer into the green, empty sea of my stomach? Probably not. Can whatever it is that I am currently supposed to be lookin’ for be found in the 19th Hole’s lost-and-found box? One could perhaps more appropriately answer the latter question with another: Does the 19th Hole even have a lost-and-found box?! See? This song largely fails in its inability to provide any real answers, offerin’ only questions that, drunkenly, are best left unaddressed. Like, what is it that I am actually lookin’ for in the first place? Does Bono know? No. Unless it is stupid sunglasses, no. Bono is the Elton John of modern rock, and this depressin’ dirge should not be looked to for inspiration any more so than it should be played on a jukebox when we are supposed to be reveling in our youthful, Buffetian urges (see above).

 

 

3. “Three Lock Box” – Sammy Hagar

 

I have no idea what this song is about, seein’ as that – at the second this piece of abject and liquefied shit came on – I made the conscious effort to talk a little louder to whomever it was that I was talkin’ to in an even more conscious effort to drown out whatever it is that the so-called Red “Rocker” is crooning so stupidly about. I can only imagine that this song is neither about locks nor the number three – which the religious Dudes among us will note is a number pregnant with symbolic significance – but rather, about box, by which I mean an overtly unveiled allusion to the female genitalia. To in some way redeem Sammy, I’d like to believe that he had written this song in a fit of rare, pathetic honesty about an undeniably human failure, on his part, to “secure access” to the aforementioned “box,” seeing that it is thrice locked. Sammy, in this case, would become the poor sucker like everyone else, articulatin’ for Dudes everywhere an often-universal concern: sometimes a Dude simply can’t score, despite his best efforts and/or intentions. Yet one can more realistically (and unfortunately) imagine Sammy as the kind of Buffetian hedonist who gets so much unwarranted and wholly undeserved tail backstage that it simply makes one sick. That is, I’m sure he can just totally score with, like, whomever, if for no other reason than he is who he is, which to me is a straight-up, extra large douchebag. But what do I know? Maybe he hides the keys to sensual-safecracking in his perm. Given the immense distance that removes Sammy from the typical experience of your standard, everyday Dude, we can’t safely know anything at this point. So thanks for nothing, Sam; please don’t play it again.

 

 

4. “Sweet Emotion” – Aerosmith

 

Interestingly, this song epitomizes what is often referred to as emotional rock, in that the listener is immediately compelled by the emotion to thrust one’s own head through the façade of the jukebox in a selfless attempt to just make it stop. It’s almost a religious experience. A Dude is willing to make him or herself a martyr regardless of personal injury and/or death so that others might be saved from the aural horror that is Aerosmith. “Talk about the things that nobody cares,” indeed! Aerosmith is the sand-blasted, sun-bleached, whitewashed dinosaur bones of rock and roll, in that they afford the modern listener little but a nostalgia of late-seventies mediocrity that millions today are literally drinkin’ to forget ever existed. Aerosmith’s contemporary cultural relevance is as oval and empty as Stephen Tyler’s big, stupid lips. That is, zero. In addition, while I rarely feel a legitimate sympathy for inanimate objects, I can safely say that I wholly pity Stephen Tyler’s microphone stand, which exists as the veritable prison bitch of arena rock. Not only is it burdened by the unhealthy weight of myriad silk scarves, it is also violated nightly by the designer leather crotch of its owner, who humps it with unprecedented vigor and frequency. Poor microphone stand, I can foresee your fateful end!... This camel’s back will one day be broken not by a straw, but – literally – by a hump.

 

 

5. “Rock My World” – Brooks and Dunn

 

Brooks and Dunn? More like Crooks and Dung! Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I truly believe that Brooks and Dunn, Randy Travis, Reba McIntire, and Leann Rimes have pooled their dirty millions to arrange the violent kidnappin’ of the soul of country music. The soul is currently shackled to the wet walls of a sub-basement torture chamber miles beneath a gleamin’ Nashville skyscraper; its ankles are gnawed by rats and record executives. This delicate situation will only be remedied when Willie Nelson finally completes his construction of a massive, vengeful cyborg usin’ the reanimated corpse of Hank Williams. So beware. The day of reckonin’ is comin’, messieurs Brooks and Dunn, when you will be held accountable for your wanton disregard for and appropriation of a once-proud American musical tradition! Repent!

 

Nighthawk Malt Liquor, T.V. dinner, Air Missile, and Leather

 

Tech

By Reverend Norb

 

Dudes:

 

            As you know, most "technology" columns, be they in print or on the web, are of scant fuckin' value to us Dudes simply on accounta the items of technological wizardry they review are either 1) completely un-Dudeworthy (I mean, who the hell cares ‘bout advancements in the Douchebag Walkie Talkie field? What for? To alert us Dudes to future methods of absorbin' Douchebag bunk? And what's up with this Bluetooth shit? What's that for? Helpin’ rich pricks get laid in subway stations? Why would anonymous whirleybirds link up wit’ some douchefuck who wears a tie to the Salt Mines but doesn't even own a rigg to get there with?) or 2) shit we can't afford anyway (Dudes Plasma is a great idea, but Dudes W says anythin’ that some yuppie shitbag pays three grand for today will be on sale at Dudes Wal-Mart for about $296.66 later on, so why hurry?). However, be these sad facts of the matters as they may, turnin' a blind eye to potentially Dudeliness-enhancin’ technological advancements is no way to run a supermarket! The world o' technology ain't all Palm Pilots and GPS systems, Cletus! I mean, think of all the Great and Dudely technological advancements mankind has seen throughout the years: WHEELS!!! TOILETS!!! WALK-IN COOLERS!!! K-Y JELLY!!! Yep, technology CAN, in fact, be a Friend Of The Dude. I mean, look at Bender from Futurama! Dudes technology made flesh! Well, metal. Well, cartoon metal. WHATEVER! The point is that it is our DUDELY DUTY to keep up wit’ advancements in Dudes Tech that are relevant to Dudely Causes ("Dudely Causes" generally held to be drinkin’ and jerkin’ off and whatever else it is we do to pass the time in between drinkin’ and jerkin’ off), lest we fail to properly utilize such advancements and thereby fail to MAXIMIZE OUR DUDELINESS -- which, of course, would render us In Contempt Of Dudes Stuff and thusly liable for a tea-baggin’ and/or damages. All implements of technology reviewed herein are graded on a scale of one to six Benders, six bein' the best such as it is wit’ goosenecks.

 

DUDES TECHNOLOGICAL IMPLEMENT IN QUESTION: Wilson Patented Underglass Technology

WHAT IT DOES: Makes a basketball look all shiny

JUDGMENT OF DUDELINESS: Okay, so you're standin' at Dudes Wal-Mart™ lookin' for a new b-ball to hoop it wit’ this summer, and the keen lookin' shiny one is really catchin' your eye, and you think "fuck, Dude, won't that ball be too smooth and slippery to play wit’?", so, in the interests of science, you pick up the ball in the store and kinda start tossin' it ‘round in the store, and you realize that, hey, fuck, though it looks all snot-slick shiny and stuff, it's also actually really grabby and shit, so you plunk down your hard-earned $12.96 and take it out to the playground, thinkin' that you've got the most Dudely ball on the court and that any day now Larry Brown is going to offer you a 10-day contract with the Detroit Pistons and you're gonna get your own line of Chuck Taylors -- and then you dribble the fuckin’ thing ‘bout three times and it's shit. Unlike other, more Dudely basketballs, the Wilson Patented Underglass Technology ball has no little nobules all over the surface, soooo...unless you're hoopin' on a court that gets meticulously oil-mopped four times an hour by the local equivalent of Groundskeeper Willie, once you bang that ball on the dirty asphalt of a playground, all the dirt and dust and grime and shit goes all over the surface and stays there, renderin’ the ball practically ungraspable -- as opposed to the Nobule System, where the ooze either gets blasted off the nobules (which are essentially the surfaces that your fingers touch) or gets driven into the little valleys between the nobules where it's out of the way. If you play for an hour, your once-tricked-out Wilson Patented Underglass Technology ball will come back lookin' like some kinda ball gag for the Cable Monster. Needless to say, the glossy effect lasts all of maybe ten minutes. UNDUDELY. (2 Benders)

 

DUDES TECHNOLOGICAL IMPLEMENT IN QUESTION: iPhoto™

WHAT IT DOES: Organizes porn on your MacIntosh

JUDGMENT OF DUDELINESS: Also needless to say (but I will say it anyway), today's greatest advancements in Dudes Tech revolve around the better organization and more efficient utilization of Dudekind's Porno Resources for Maximum Dudes Stimulation (and Dudes Mayo!). iPhoto™ allows the Dudely User to dump all their Tiny Taint beaver shots into one big Porno Mega-Archive, then either view thumbnails of the whole magilla (at sizes varying from "too tiny to jerk-off to" to "adequately large enough to jerk-off to"), view each picture individually, or -- my favorite -- put 'em all in a slideshow where the computer flips through your Gash Snaps one at a time for you, so you don't have to get lotion all over the mouse (bein’ Dudely and havin’ amassed over 700 beave shots [almost exclusively of Tiny Taint from Asia, although ethnic origin is neither here nor there as regards to Dudeliness or Tiny Taintliness] in the four months I've owned this computer, I have yet to make it all the way through the slideshow without havin’ to get up and wipe my chest and stomach off). You can set the interval that each pic is displayed on the screen from one second minimum to 30 seconds maximum; I always go wit’ one second because I'm a life-in-the-fast-lane kinda guy -- if you need to concentrate more on the object of your whackin’, you'll need to up the interval. For added stimulation, iPhoto™ also lets you choose what BAD JAMS you wanna dig while you're crankin’ it -- but beware, if you make no choice, the default music is Chopin's "Minuet in G," which is MOST unDudely!!! (kinda funny though) I eventually selected "Daddy Should Have Stayed In High School" by Cheap Trick as my jack-off music of choice. Jams get no badder than that!!! Further, in case you don't wanna see the same ol' flanks and holes every time, you can create different folders ("albums") of photos to show, so if you just wanna zip through all 150 of the photos you have of Miko Lee with the dildo one day, hey, no problem. FUCKIN’ DUDELY. (6 Benders)

 

DUDES TECHNOLOGICAL IMPLEMENT IN QUESTION: Beer Cozy

WHAT IT DOES: Supposed to keep your beer cold, I guess

JUDGMENT OF DUDELINESS: There was a study in the very Dudely Barracuda Magazine a few months ago scientifically provin’ that beer cozies work; while I do not doubt the veracity of the Barracuda Dudes' findings, I must state for the record that I think the point is a non-issue anyway, since, basically, I'VE NEVER HAD ANY TROUBLE FINISHIN’ A 12-OUNCE CAN OF BEER BEFORE IT COULD GET WARM, therefore ANYBODY WHO DRINKS SO SLOWLY THEY NEED SOME KINDA BEER INSULATION is a NON-DUDE, which is BUNK. Therefore, my good Dudes, the question should not be "Do Beer Cozies Work?", but should, instead, be "WHY THE FUCK DON'T THEY MAKE BEER COZIES AT THE SIZES DUDES REALLY NEED THEM AT, LIKE TALL BOY SIZE OR 40 SIZE?" I mean, my 40 of King Cobra, I could use a beer cozy on! My puny 12 oz. can of Blatz, NO SIR! NOT NECESSARY! What I deduce from all this is that beer cozies are NOT made by or for Dudes. They are made by, like, 7-Up or Zima drinkers or somethin’, and are therefore NOT DUDELY. (1 Bender)

 

Beer Cozy doesn't fit the drivin' can Dudes!

 

DUDES TECHNOLOGICAL IMPLEMENT IN QUESTION: iMovie™

WHAT IT DOES: Helps edit home porn on your MacIntosh

JUDGMENT OF DUDELINESS: Like all True Dudes, i've whipped out the camcorder durin’ in-home coitus festivals a few times. Rule 1: Never haul out camcorder unless Multiball, i.e., multiple tiny taint on the down low (and each other's down low), is in effect (otherwise it’s too geeky and therefore not Dudely). Rule 2: Never use a tripod. TRIPODS ARE NOT DUDELY! Therefore, with the Dudely absence of tripodery and the also-Dudely presence of multiple whirleybird, a lot of my home porn footage is, like, a ten-minute long shot of somebody's foot (with me hollerin’ directions in the background). iMovie allows the Dudely Home Porn Enthusiast to load in all his old spunk footage (provided you have access to a camcorder with a DV [digital video] jack...I hadda borrow my bro's for this. Basically, even if you, like me, shot your Hi8 tapes on a non-DV camcorder, they will still work in a Hi8 DV camcorder. But I hadda buy a DV in/out cord [same thing as a digital camera uses -- regular USB plug on one end, teeny weeny USB plug on the other end] at Radio Crack for $31.99 'cause he didn't have one! No Benders and a good hard smack for the broseph!), then edit out the eighty percent where you were too busy servicin’ the needs of cock and cunt hungry Taint Mistresses to get a good shot of the festivities, then smack together all the good parts -- which is a hell of a lot better than fast-forwardin’ through twenty minutes of VHS footage of a hotel end table to get to five minutes of whirley-on-whirley action and/or P.O.V. BJ's. Further, you can add titles in all manner of styles and colors (although they come out lookin' a little pixelated and cheesy), and can also liven up the Dudes Playtime with wacky transitions and effects (the thing where you can make half the screen be a mirror image of the other half looks legitimately unsettlin’ when applied to P.O.V. blowjob footage, I can assure you). Further helpful in maximizin’ the Dudeliness is the ability to add in Bad Jams from the hard drive as a soundtrack, as well the ability to adjust the levels of the Bad Jams and the pre-existin’ sound as The Dude Sees Fit (me, I pretty much crank the jams and bury the jabber...unless the tiny taint are moanin’ and screamin’ in the throes of Dude-induced passion. Then I crank the moanin’ and screamin’ just to underscore the fact that I do good work. However, if they're, like, askin' each other if they're fat or some shit, I bury it). It's kinda time-consumin' to put together 90 minutes of video clips and sound clips and edit it all together and shit, but it ain't really all that difficult. Only real areas of neo-bunk I ran across in iMovie™ were when I stayed up all night addin' Bad Jams and editin' the sound and the next day when I opened up the project, the Bad Jams and all the sound editing work was FUCKIN' A.W.O.L.! Also, any sound editin' you do does not apply to any parts of the movie where a transition effect is goin' on (I think you gotta go specifically into the transition and adjust the sound levels), but it kinda looks like it does, so when my scenes do their fancy changes, sometimes the theretofore silenced bits of inane Dude-to-Whirleybird conversation suddenly crank up out of nowhere. Saves your home porn highlight reel in QuickTime™ format. DUDELY. (5 Benders)

 

DUDES TECHNOLOGICAL IMPLEMENT IN QUESTION: DVD-to-VHS hookup

WHAT IT DOES: Copies borrowed porno DVDs to VHS

JUDGMENT OF DUDELINESS: Any hapless Dude who, upon initial purchase of his initial Dudes DVD Player, attempted to hook it up to his Dudes Tube through his Dudes VCR, knows that the "Copy Protection" technology in most DVD's makes the picture get all dark and wiggy lookin' when the Dude tries to do it that way (Copy Protection = BUNK! UNDUDELY! NO BENDERS! Actually, NEGATIVE BENDERS!). This is, of course, so the Dude can't dupe a VHS copy of the DVD (it's also so the Dude either has to go buy a TV with RCA jacks or an RF Modulator at Radio Crack, which is similarly unDudely). However! Amazingly! Provin’ that once and for all that God is a Dude, there are virtually NO porno DVDs that make use of Copy Protection technology! Maybe one in 100! What this means is FUCK YOUR RF MODULATOR AND THE SEGWAY IT RODE IN ON!!! Plug an RCA cable into the "out" jacks of your DVD player and the "in" jacks of your VCR and TAPE AWAY, JACK!!! (my personal Dudely theory on beatin’ off to and tapin’ porn DVDs is this: Tape it and beat off to it once at 8x -- i.e., when you got two fast forward arrows on the screen. Then play it at 2x [one arrow] and beat off again. By then you will know what the best scene is, so play that one at normal speed and beat off to it for a third time. Then find the best part of the entire movie, play it in slow-motion, and beat off for a fourth time. Let the unDudely scoff: It sounds wacky, but the Speedcore Method I have just described allows the user to successfully beat off quadruply -- QUADRUPLY!!! LIKE FOUR TIMES!!! -- in under two hours. NO SHIT!) DUDELY AS FUCK!!! (6 Benders)

 

DUDES TECHNOLOGICAL IMPLEMENT IN QUESTION: iDVD™

WHAT IT DOES: Lets you burn home porn highlight movie to DVD on your MacIntosh

JUDGMENT OF DUDELINESS: Basically, this lets you put your movie into DVD format -- so you got a main menu (wit’ a whirleybird ingestin’ your Dudely sausage in the background), and a scene selection thing -- my chapters are called "Madcap Intro" "Supreme Pussy Eating Scene" "'Pure Mania' Tribute Night" "Lustful Trekkies" and "Mirror Mirror" but I guess yours don't have to be. The thing is that iDVD will accept a maximum movie length of 90 minutes. Okay, fine. So now you got your movie down to 90 minutes. Then you take footage from the movie, and put it into the background of your main menu, and in your scene selection thingies. Problem is that that thirty seconds of footage you got where the Tiny Taint is impalin’ herself upon your Dudely Pork Sword in the background of the menu counts against the 90 minutes total, so if your movie is like exactly 90 minutes, the stuff in the menus and scene selection will put you over, necessitatin’ a bunch of fiddle-fuckin’ around -- but, of course, you can't really yank out two minutes of shit in the movie because that will in turn shorten the movie to the point where your brilliant closin’ song -- "She's A Drone" by the Urinals -- won't even make it into the flick! Cripes! This was kind of a pain in the ass. BARELY DUDELY (3 Benders)

 

DUDES TECHNOLOGICAL IMPLEMENT IN QUESTION: DVD-R and DVD+R discs

WHAT THEY DO: You burn your home porn movies onto them

JUDGMENT OF DUDELINESS: Hey, guess what? "DVD-R" and "DVD+R" are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS!!! One will work wit’ your computer, and one won't! So if you empty the Dudes W on a spindle of DVD+R discs and find you actually need DVD-R...you are up Cable Creek without a grapplin’ hook, my friend. UNDUDELY, NO BENDERS, AND FUCK EVERYONE INVOLVED FOR NOT JUST HAVIN’ ONE OF THE FUCKING TWO!!!

 

DUDES TECHNOLOGICAL IMPLEMENT IN QUESTION: Apple SuperDrive™

WHAT IT DOES: Burns your home porn DVDs

JUDGMENT OF DUDELINESS: It works, but no one will mention the fact that it will take OVER SEVEN HOURS to burn a 90-minute DVD. Further, the DVD wouldn't play in my DVD player (but did play on the computer at work...which was kind of an interestin’ few minutes). LACKINGLY DUDELY (2.5 Benders)

 

DUDES TECHNOLOGICAL IMPLEMENT IN QUESTION: Yellowjackets

WHAT IT DOES: Buzz Buzz Buzz

JUDGMENT OF DUDELINESS: Thanks to modern chemistry, sleep is now optional! D-D-D-D-DUDELY! (Six crazed Benders!!!)

 

            ...that's it for now, Dudes. Be back next Issue when we discuss the benefits of the pulley, lever, and inclined plane as applied to home pornography.

 

Rev. Nørb

 

The Doctors of Dudes Magazine

                 

              Dr. Biffenstein                                                       Dr. E.W.

 

Fun Fact # 5

 

3 of the first 5 U.S. Presidents died on July 4^th.  John Adams(#2) and Thomas Jefferson(#3) both croaked in 1826.  James Monroe(#5) kicked the bucket in 1831.

 

Fired Up

In this new Dudes Mag section, there will be 2 Dudes goin’ off on someone or something.  8Bit and D-Bomb will let you know who or what they are pissed off ‘bout in each issue right here in “Dudes Fired Up”.

 

8Bit Sounds Off

By 8Bit

 

            Why the fuck is there so much poker on TV?  Who watches this shit?  The worst part is that they play poker on ESPN and Fox Sports Midwest.  These are 2 channels I flip to for what I’m hopin’ will be quality entertainment.  BUT NO!!!  Instead of SportsCenter or World’s Strongest Man, I have to watch some douchebag decide if he’s gonna call or fold on a pair of Jacks in a worthless game of Texas Hold ‘Em(On a side note, the entire state of Texas CAN LICK MY BAG.  If it were up to me, we’d give it back to Mexico.).  ESPN has been milkin’ the hell outta the World Series of Poker, Fox Sports Midwest has Late Night Poker, and the Game Show Network shows Blackjack Plus and the World Series of Blackjack! Blackjack!  Anyone who watches blackjack on TV should do themselves in ala Kurt Cobain.  BLOW YOUR FACE OFF WIT’ A SHOTGUN! 

            At the very least, they could lump all these bullshit card game shows together and onto one channel so that I can intentionally skip over it and not have to watch this crap ever again.  FUCK!!!

 

Take That!

By D-Bomb

 

            O.K. Dudes, this is the first installment of Take That!  It is a small column in which I am able to sound off ‘bout someone or somethin’ I don’t like, and in the end they or it gets served.  The first victim of Take That! Is none other than uber-nerd John Ronsick.  You only know of him if you’re from the Lou.  He’s the guy who slangs tires durin’ baseball and hockey games.  I don’t like him.  I don’t like Auto Tire, his company.  I mean, what type of guy has a passion for tires?  A LAME ONE!  His slogan is, “You Oughtta Go To Auto Tire.”  Well, I say, “You Ought NOT go to Auto Tire.  WHOA, Take That John Ronsick.  You just got served!

 

 Babes

By Lonewolf

 

Joan Jett

It’s freakin’ summertime! Please do yourself       

a Solid and drop cotton, fire up the Weber Grill, grab some Heavies, and crank  some Joan Jett and the Blackhearts up to 11 brah! Beautiful rock n’ roll comin’ from an amazingly beautiful babe.  Apparently, she likes to party on Dudes Carpet.  Lonewolf is down for whatever, just keep crankin’ out jams like “I Hate Myself For Loving You” and “Crimson and Clover”(Tommy James and the Shondells tune).

 

 

Punky Brewster

                                            

 

You can’t tell me you haven’t had impure thoughts about Punky (a.k.a. Soleil Moon Frye).  Any Dude wit’ two pills between his legs has totally wanted to nail Punky Brewster.  In fact, Punky’s girl Cherie was dope too.  Could you imagine how sweet it would be to get those two alone up in Punky’s tree-house?  You just better be sure Henry (Punky’s fake dad) and Betty (Cherie’s fat mom) don’t catch you ‘cause they will flip.  Punky has still got it goin’ on too.  I am guessin’ she is now just some desperate slut who shows up at whack-ass Hollywood parties.  But hey, she can party with the Dudes Mag Staff any day of the week.  Just remember to bring Cherie and some Bud Heavies please.

 

 

 

U.S. Army Babe Who Tortured Iraqi Prisoners

                                                   

What the fuck?  Did we just mention her in Dudes Babes?  Uhhhmmm…no comment. LATER DUDES!

 

Big Time Quote O’ The Month

 

“SELF.”

(Big Time says this one word after he attempts to speak to someone else, but they don’t hear him and therefore don’t respond.  In the end, he is talkin’ to himself.)

 

Big Time's residence in Lemay, MO

 

 

 Foods Special Feature

By Chef D-Bomb

 

Helpful Barbeque Tips

 

            Well Dudes, it seems another Summer of Regression is upon us.  Time to fire up The Pit.  There are a few things a Dudes must remember when BBQn’.  First of all, a Dude must be at least half beer-drunk and if a Dude Smiggle Smuggles, he should be Wurped to the Durp(see 8Bit for clarification).  To the grill; first, go on ahead and put a generous amount a that lighter fluid on them charred coals.  That’s the first thing you should do.  Next, after them coals are a glowin’ orange, go ahead and toss those sweet steer cuts on the grill.  Now, I’ll tell you what, don’t salt that dag-gum meat while it’s on the grill.  It’ll dry out worse than a Tijuana whore’s private parts.  So while your cuts are a sizzlin’ on that there grill, continue poundin’ Heavies.  There is some kinda chemical in Oat Sodas that let’s a Dude know when the meat is done.  Pull it off, crack a fresh ice-cold Heavy, and do as D-Bomb does: ENJOY!

Bucket of Recycled malt from the Malt-Off

Shitbag Actor O’ the Month

By Nighthawk

Gary Busey

Born – June 29, 1944

Goose Creek, Texas

 

            Bunk Flicks                                                Dudely Flicks

         -You and Me(1972)                               -The Buddy Holly Story(1978)

*You and me and anyone else who                     *Buddy Holly Rocks!

      saw this movie SUCK!!!

 

       -A Star Is Born(1976)                                      -Straight Time(1978)

A Shitbag Actor is BUNK!                            A burglar out on parole tries to play

                                                                        by the rules.  Dustin Hoffman and

                                                                        Kathy Bates make up for the fact

                                                                        that Busey’s son Jake is in this one.

   

     -Big Wednesday(1978) -D.C. Cab(1983)

           BIG DUMP!                                      Mr. T, Bill Maher, and Paul Rodriguez

are all in on this cabbie story.

 

 -Angels Hard as They Come(1971)                        -Lethal Weapon(1987)

Shitbags BUNK as They Come                                    TIGHT FLICK!

 

      -The Bear(1984)                                                    -Point Break(1991)

Who gives a Fuck ‘bout college football!            One of the rare occasions when 3

Shitbag Actors get together in a

decent flick.

  

        -Predator 2(1990) -Black Sheep(1996)

    Enough wit’ the aliens already! Farley kicks ass!

 

     -Rookie of the Year(1993)                           -Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas(1998)

   The team in the movie is the Cubs.                       AWESOME! AWESOME!

AWESOME!

 

           -Insignificance(1985)

          The title sums it all up!    

 

            -Under Siege(1992)

       Seagal and Busey?  BUNK!!!

 

           -Drop Zone(1994)

          Skydivin’ and crime?

     The only difference between this

     one and Point Break is surfin’. 

 

        -Man with a Gun(1996)

          Bum without a career!

 

8-Bit

By 8Bit

 

          It’s hard to believe that this is my 4^th 8-Bit review already Dudes.  But don’t worry.  There’s still plenty of hot titles for the NES left to review.

 

THE TITLES ARE RATED OUT OF A POSSIBLE 6 GOOSENECKS

 

            California Games: I’m gonna review each event individually. 

 

Half Pipe – Terrible.  You can only do one kick turn, then you run out of speed or fall down and your board smacks you in the head!

 

Foot Bag – a.k.a. Hackie Sack, a.k.a. Hippie Bullshit!

 

Surfin’ – Lame!  Nothin’ more excitin’ than watchin’ a guy on a surfboard move from left to right on your TV screen.  Where’s the action?  You could at least have the surfer get eaten by a shark.

 

Skatin’ – Although the roller skater makes me hungry for Chicken Statutory, this is another lame event.  It’s kind of funny when she falls on her face though.

 

BMX – The only event worth a shit.  You can do some wicked moves, but tappin’ the A button so much gave me a flamin’ case of carpel tunnel.

 

Flyin’ Disk – a.k.a. Frisbee, a.k.a. more Hippie Bullshit!

 

Ratin’:  1 Gooseneck, since only 1 out of 6 events is worth a damn.

 

            Skate or Die: One of the baddest and raddest games made for the NES.  Again, I’ll review each event individually.

 

Joust – You better know your way around the pool before you try and take on Aggro’ Eddie or Lester, ‘cause they are some bad Dudes!  If you’re new to Joust, take on Poseur Pete.  He’s a pussy.

 

Race - All you gotta do is get down the hill as fast as you can.  Don’t go too fast though, ‘cause there are some dangerous curves and if you fall bro, you’ll be peelin’ your face off the asphalt.  Not to mention, you could scrape your knees.  OUCH!

 

Jam – This is another downhill, but this time you’re up against Lester and he’s in a punchin’ mood.  Stay clear of him and the cyclone fences, ‘cause they’ll rip you to shreds.

 

High Jump – In the 16 years since this game was released, I’ve never been able to figure out what the fuck you gotta do to actually jump in this event.  And I don’t think I ever will.  Fuck it!

 

Free Style – The dopest of all the events!  Go for big air bro and you can rack up the points.  Stay away from the edges of the pipe though.  ‘Cause if you catch a corner, you’re gonna take a nasty spill.

 

Ratin’:  5 Goosenecks

 

8Bit’s Tip O’ the Month

“Storage of Games”

 

            Ideally, you should have your games stored in an empty milk crate, but a cardboard box will do in a pinch.  The trick is to have your games accessible, but not prominently displayed.  The last thing you want is for an old buddy to be at your digs and notice his last name written in Magic Marker on one of the cartridges that you stole from him years ago.  Trust me Dudes, it’s an awkward situation.

 

 

10 of the Coolest Fictional Dudes Ever

By The Founder Dudes

Last Issue’s Cover Story was ‘bout 10 of the Coolest Dues Ever.  This time ‘round, it will be ‘bout 10 of the Coolest FICTIONAL Dudes Ever.  The difference is that these Dudes are characters on TV, film, Nintendo, and elsewhere.  While the Dudes that created, portrayed, and even made money off of these particular Dudes were real, the characters were not real Dudes.  No more beatin’ ‘round the bush.  In the immortal words of NIKE, “LET’S DO IT!”

 

Al Bundy

 

For 258 episodes durin’ the years 1987-1997, this Dude was the ultimate Dude on TV as the main character on Married With Children. His job sucked, his wife was a nag, his daughter was a slut, his son was an idiot, and his dog was there for him every night as he watched TV and drank beer.  What a Dude!  His trademark was sittin’ on the couch wit’ his right hand inside the wasteband of his pants.  AWESOME!  Al sold women’s shoes for a livin’.  How horrible!  Al loved nudie bars and football.  How Dudely!  All Dudes should be more like Al Bundy.

 

 

Stiles

 

            Teen Wolf’s buddy in the movie is one crazy Dude.  Wild clothin’, always up for a party, and a way wit’ chicks that goes unmatched make Stiles a cool Dude.  Among the coolest ever, as a matter of fact.  He is the one who is the reason that Scott Howard turns into the Wolf for the first time.  Remember, Scott, Stiles, and Louis are all goin’ to a party and Stiles wants to bring a keg.  He gets turned down, so he asks Scott.  Scott also gets turned down.  Then, his eyes turn red and his voice gets real deep.  The old man at the liquor store is scared shitless.  “Give me a keg of beer.  And these.”  Those were the first words outta Teen Wolf’s mouth.  Also, it was Stiles who traded in his rigg for the Wolfmobile.  He got it painted to say Wolfmobile on the sides.  He drove the Wolf ‘round Beacontown so he could “surf” on top of the sweet rigg.  Definitely radical!  The last point we’ll bring up ‘bout Stiles is that he was the one who came up wit’ the idea of Teen Wolf merchandise.  T-Shirts, buttons, and other Wolf Gear was sold by Stiles at the basketball games.  The Dude obviously knew how to make a quick buck.

           

Bill & Ted

(TOGETHER, BUT SEPARATE CHARACTERS)

 

            “I’M Bill S. Preston, Esquire and I’m Ted “Theodore” Logan, and we are WYLD STALLYONS!”  Though these Dudes weren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer and didn’t know how to play their instruments, they totally rock! Without a doubt, they had the best history report ever!  Who would have guessed that Napoleon would dig on ice cream so much!  These Dudes most certainly put the telephone booth to good use and had the sweetest lingo.  You know you’re a Dude if you quote Poison at the Pearly Gates(which the lyrics actually do come close to the meanin’ of life).  Their report and killer tunes rocked the shit out of San Demas High.  These Dudes paved the way for the future for Christ’s sake, and plus, Bill’s mom, Missy, was a total M.I.L.F.!!!!!

 

Ferris Bueller

 

            This Dude definitely knew what partyin’ was all about. This Dude hated school and loved fast cars, good eats, and righteous times. The Dude straight-up knew how to kick it and, on top of that, he could organize one hell of a scheme.  The way this Dude rigged up his room to make it looke like he was sleepin’, complete wit’ snorin’ and coughin’ sounds from his keyboard, was totally bitchin’!  He totally duped the whole town and showed Principal Ed Rooney what was up(Jeffrey Jones, who played Rooney, deserved it for diggin’ on kiddie porn in real life).  There isn’t a little Dude alive who doesn’t dig a flick ‘bout ditchin’ school to hit the town for a killer time. Ferris Bueller is a definite Dude, whose always lookin’ to kick it!

 

Bob and Doug McKenzie

(TOGETHER AS ONE)

 

            These two Canadian brothers were the stars of The Adventures of Bob & Doug McKenzie: Strange Brew(1983).  The story goes like this:  Somethin’ strange is goin’ on at Elsinore Brewery, the home of Elsinore Beer.  Bob and Doug notice this when they go down there to get jobs.  The McKenzie brothers get to the bottom of it and, in the end, all is well in the Great White North.  These Dudes like beer, donuts, hockey, and say “eh” a hell of a lot.  They even have a dog named Hosehead.  Definitely a couple of cool fictional Dudes.  Check out the movie, as well as Bob & Doug’s album:

“Great White North”, which was recorded and released in 1981.  Geddy Lee of Rush even sings on a song.  Don’t be a hoser.  The album’s a beauty.  Go buy it already.

 

 

 

Teen Wolf

 

            In 1987, somethin’ Dudely happened.  A movie came out ‘bout a young Dude who has the ability to turn into a werewolf.  Not a complete wolf, but ‘bout half-wolf, half-man.  Either way, scary shit.  19 years later, this character is still loved by Dudes everywhere.  When the movie starts out, who would’ve thought that little ol’ Scott Howard could possibly turn into a wolf? No one.  That’s who.  At first, he did it out of anger.  But later in the movie, he could do it whenever he wanted to.  How Bitch!  He even turned into the Wolf for his basketball team’s games.  They were a really shitty team, and turnin’ into the Wolf was all Scott could do to help out.  The Wolf was even asked to play a part in the school play.  But when Scott Howard eventually decided to do it as himself, he lost the part.  He even goes to the school dance in the end of the film as himself and not the Wolf ‘cause his date, Boof, doesn’t want the Wolf.  LAME!  Granted Boof was a cool bird, but lame-ass move babe!  All in all, Teen Wolf is one rad Dude. 

 

Wayne & Garth

(TOGETHER, BUT SEPARATE CHARACTERS)

 

            Without a doubt, Wayne Cambell and Garth Algar are two of the sweetest Dudes ever.  Both the SNL skit and the 2 movies rock.  I think it’s safe to say that all Dudes probably wish that there was a real cable access show like Wayne’s World. Just take a look at the show’s theme song: “Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World!  It’s Party Time!  Excellent!”  It’s short, but oh so sweet.  WHOA!  These Dudes are all ‘bout rock and sweet babes.  I don’t think they talk ‘bout anythin’ else! The SNL skit and the 2 movies are definite classics which all Dudes can quote fom.  These two Dudes from Aurora, IL are an example for Dudes everywhere.  So hop in your Merth-Mobile(though probably not as sweet as the actual one), and head up to a sweet vittlery like Stank Mikita’s(also probably not as sweet as Stan’s).  Oh yeah, the scene wit’ the ninjas trainin’ in the back room of Stan Mikita’s(Stan was the 1^st NHL player to use a curved hockey stick) is DOPE AND TIGHT!

 

ALF

 

            Born on October 28, 1756 on the Planet Melmac, ALF crashed his spaceship into the Tanner’s home on September 22, 1986.  The Tanners, Willie, Kate, Lynn, and Brian, named him ALF, which is short for Alien Life Form.  For 4 years, ALF chased the family cat, Lucky, and ate everythin’. About 3 Feet-tall, brown, furry, pointy ears, and a snout like an anteater, ALF is one cool Dude.   One particular episode, he even gave Brian beer.  Brian was about 9 years-old.  Way to go ALF!  His famous phrase was, “Hah, I kill me!” That’s what he said after he said somethin’ that he thought was hilarious.  The thing was that no one else ever really thought much of his humor.  It might have had somethin’ to do wit’ the fact that he was from ANOTHER PLANET!  The only downfall of his career might have been when he started doin’ 1-800-COLLECT commercials.  He even did one wit’ Hulk Hogan.  Dude, was that one BITCH!  But how pathetic for two cool Dudes such as ALF and Hulk Hogan. 

Recently there has been a hot rumor goin’ ‘round that ALF has a show on Nick at Nite.  It is called ALF’s Hit Talk Show and is in development.  Thanks to the “Bring Back ALF” online petition letter which 7,385 people signed, the talk show taped a pilot in November of 2003. Voiced by Paul Fusco, ALF interviews celebrities in the some way that Conan and Craigers do. Look for it on Nick at Nite!

 

Fictional Dudes of Honorable Mention

-Homer Simpson-

-Mario & Luigi-

-Joe Camel-

-Zach Morris-

-Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn-

-Mr. Belvedere-

-Doc Brown-

 

Dives

By Lil’ Deryl

 

            Welcome, to all Dudes seekin’ drunken debauchery.  Once again, the Bisquick Boy has returned to review those hollowed of establishments known as Dudes Dives.  If you’ve read Issue 2, you know the score on what makes a dive and what makes it great.  If you haven’t read Issue 2, you have no soul and therefore will rot in H-E-double hockey sticks.  So, if you want to avoid eternal damnation, keep up on your Dudes Mag!  (How’s that for a sales pitch?) Now to the dives…

 

The Little Bar

6343 Alabama

314-481-1665

            Located at Alabama and Holly Hills, this bar lives up to it’s name, at least in size.  It is small, but includes some hot action as well.  Most notably, the Big Buck Hunter offers Virtual Carnage, the likes of which this author hasn’t experienced in years.  3 TV’s let you scope Birdnals games, a hot juke rocks the likes of the Crue, and a dart board rounds out the entertainment.  The atmosphere is a little light on the dank, but the peeny-top bar and old school cig machine, along wit’ the fireplace?!?!, add a subtle touch of dive class.  No surly locals were in site to entertain the newcomer, but cheap goosenecks of Anheuser-Busch products($1.75) helped ease the night. Also in the drink department were the standard Heavy, Pussy, and Blue Boy drafts, along wit’ a pretty impressive liquor selection. 

DUDES MAG RATIN’ : 4 OUT OF 5 PITCHERS

 

Super’s Bungalow Beer Garden

5623 Leona Street

314-481-8448

            The home of the $2.25 monster draft(roughly a quart) is located on Leona, a block south of Bates.  Besides the aforementioned Superbeer, the Bungalow offers great dive atmosphere.  A bit heavier on the dank, and host to 2 of the more shit-canned locals I’ve seen on my visits, this dive also displays some super-hot signs, clocks, sports shit, and other Dive Deco. Despite the fact that this author has officially renounced the current St. Louis Blues organization due to incompetence, the Blues shrine above the shuffleboard table rekindles the ever-present, and ever-futile, longin’ for Lord Stanley’s Cup.  Speakin’ of sports, the gamin’ situation is choice as well.  Pool, shuffleboard, and darts offer intoxicatin’ competition.  A big screen TV in the back of the bar is good for watchin’ the pros, while the juke rocks my personal favorite, Boston.  The size of this dive was a bit cavernous, but on occasion the Bung has been known to pack ‘em in.  Also in sight was a small “stage” area and “dance” floor located in front of a floor-to-ceilin’ wall mirror where, I suppose, local classicrock/country/80s metal cover bands play. 

DUDES MAG RATIN’ : 4 OUT OF 5 PITCHERS

 

Sappington Lounge

11569 Gravois Road

314-842-5316

            Finally, we venture into the Crestwood/Sunset Hills/Concord Village wasteland.  Located in the strip mall at Gravois and Denny Roads, this “dive” leaves much to be desired.  Its few pluses include a dankness unmatched by many other dives.  The dank actually darkens the natural sunlight just outside its shady backdoor entrance.  But after enterin’ the all-encompassin’ black hole, one feels the glarin’ scowls of the local clientele.  Neither the drunken revelry of friendly regulars, nor the absolute silence and apathy of bombed locals, usually present at the best of dives, exists at the Lounge.  The patrons exude an aura of high-brow, despite the fact that they get plowed at 1:30 in the afternoon.  (This is in no way a denunciation of day or even mornin’ drinkin’.)  Besides the uncomfortable feel of the bar, there are little to no entertainment possibilities.  No games, few TV options, and weak tunes selection, along wit’ unspectacular prices, make this place tolerable only when getting’ pitchers bought for you(a feat gladly achieved by this author). Generally not worth the visit for those seekin’ new dives.

DUDES MAG RATIN’ : 2 OUT OF 5 PITCHERS

 

DUDES SON-OF-OBITCHUARY

By Lonewolf

 

Lots of wack-ass people fallin’ off lately made this Issue’s Dudes o’bitchuary a little easy (and a little bit different than usual).  Crack open a heavy, sit back, relax, and enjoy:

 

 

 

FRIENDS :

Thank the fuckin' lord this show finally bit the dust!  For those fortunate Dudes out there who really missed out on this retarded sitcom, I will give you a brief re-cap:  It all started when these six 20-somethings met each other in a coffee house or something (see, you can already tell they are bunk…a coffee house?!?) . After that, they all fucked each other and said the same jokes for like 10 years.  Joey and Phoebe “acted” like brain-dead shit heads (although I am not sure how much actin' was required), while Monica was a total schizo and referred to how fat she used to be too often.  Rachel was a stuck up cunt, but luckily whatever room she was in was apparently a little too chilly. The other two bags are hardly worth the mention and in fact I am already sick of talkin' 'bout this show.  Viva la death! Friends…you have officially been serrrvved!

 

 

 

CREED :

The gods of rock’n’roll have never been so damn thankful!  On June 4, 2004, the shit-stains in that group Creed finally came down from that meth bender they have been on for the past 6 years and realized that what they were churnin' out was not actually music, but in fact one of the worst renditions of sound the western world has ever witnessed.  I mean seriously the only thing I can think of that is worse than their tunes, are their fuckin' videos.  I am pretty sure that any time I saw them on t.v. they were playin' on top of a mountain with all of their hair blowin' back and shit.  I would rather call my grandma and have her talk dirty to me for 24 hours straight than hear 10 seconds of a fuckin' Creed song.  Thank goodness they are done!  Hopefully this string of luck will continue and maybe these bags will seriously die so I can put them on blast in the next Issue too. 

 

Bad Jams Artist Profile

 

“The Genius”

Ray Charles

With Respect, Written By Bombarino

 

            Ray Charles was agodfather of soul music.  He merged all types of music(blues, jazz, R&B, gospel, and country) to create his powerful tunes.  This Dude lost his vision at age 6 from glaucoma, and began learnin’ to play all kinds of Dudes instruments.  As a tot, this Dude studied Tune-Ology at St. Augustine School for the Deaf and Blind.  After movin’ to Seattle in 1947, he scored his first top ten hit wit’ “Baby, Let Me Hold Your Hand”.  He continued to put out sweet jams for years after.  After a brief encounter wit’ the opiate derivative, heroin, in the sixties, he sobered up and kept on rockin’ all the way up ‘til that fateful day.  June 10, 2004, Mr. Ray Charles was pronounced dead in his Beverly Hills home.  He was a sweet man and a hero to myself and millions of other rockers worldwide.  Bye Ray, we will miss you.

            Sweet jams to check out from The Genious:  “What I Say”, “Georgia on My Mind”, “Hit the Road Jack”, and countless others that will satisfy all the senses.

    

   Nighthawk in front of Sun Studios RAMONATONES

 

Rekkid Reviews

(A hell of a time)

 

By L-Vis

 

            I’ll start this off by sayin’ that these rekkids I’m ‘bout to review are all products of local rockers.  Meanin’, they’re from the Lou. Word!

 

Bunnygrunt - In The Valley of Lonesome Phil

 

Bunnygrunt kicks ass.  Bunnygrunt rules.  This rarities disc has all sorts of random ass shit from the 'grunt that you should hear.  I play it loud on my personal rigg stereo often and I always have a damn fine time, it gets all snotty and rowdy and it also cuts loose and jams.  Good for the daytime, and without windows.  

 

 

Phonocaptors - Call It What You Want

 

The new rekkid from these rockers.  It has balls, it has hooks, and if it were an evil sea captain, it WOULD VERY MUCH KICK ASS AT BEING AN EVIL SEA CAPTAIN! But instead, it’s a rekkid, so just think: "Fuck, I could jam out to a rekkid that would kick ass being an evil sea captain?"  Do I need to say more?  I probably shouldn’t, but it has loud guitars and it has kick-ass driving drums and it even has taken more lives than the Predator.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Electric - Degenerotic Doses

 

This album’s artwork is bright and will make your eyes scream and melt, and it has a drawin’ of a snake with tits.  You can walk up to someone who's owned the rekkid for a while and say "Hey, check it out. This snake has tits." and they almost always go, "WOW!  Fuck, that's WEIRD Dude." like they never noticed before.  I called up Jason, the singer of this band, to tell him we were gettin’ wasted and drivin’ ‘round to it and that it kicked ass.  It's a great fuckin’ rekkid.

 

 

 

The One Inch Punch - Horsehead Nebula

 

One time when I was on Google image search, I randomly typed in "Horse" ‘cause I wanted to see pictures of horses and I saw the artwork to this album cover come up on some random website.  I thought it was funny.  It's a record of randomness, indeed, Dudes!  These kids are from Columbia, Missouri, and they make mostly instrumental rock jams on a guitar, a bass, and drums.  I heard they recently broke up.  So if you wanna know what numbers to jam your brains into, you must listen to it.  It'll make your skin feel all crazy.

 

 

From the vault:

 

Pixies - Surver Rosa

 

One of the best albums so many people don’t listen to enough.  You can get this pretty much anywhere Dudes, so you don't have an excuse not to be a Dude of Excellence.  These kids are reunited now and roaming ‘round the country, playing shows that sell out fast.  I just like the way it rocks my stereo, it's got weirdness to it and it’s rockin' to go.

 

            As in the last Issue, if you’re in a band and want your rekkid reviewed, sent it to me.

L-Vis @ the Roadhouse

9102 Edwards Drive

Olivette, MO   63132

 

Wears

By Mr. Rin Tin Tin

 

“Sweaty Shorts”

 

This Issue, we’re gonna talk ‘bout some hot wears for the summer months. Specifically, we will look at what are known to Dudes as Sweaty Shorts. Sweaty Shorts are super sweet! Not only do they look red hot, but they are also super comfortable and practical. Sweaty Shorts are so practical ‘cause, for most Dudes, they don’t even require a trip to the store or pryin’ open the W. All you need for a sweet, hot style which provides maximum comfort is a pair of scissors. Simply get out an old pair of Sweaties (Dudes Winter Wears) and a pair of scissors and cut those bitches to your desired length. Every Dude has a different taste in length (all of which look good when it comes to sweaty shorts) but I personally suggest cuttin’ them short. Not only does the short sweaty short look oh so sweet, but it also provides maximum ventilation. No Dudes want swamp butt or a mondo sweaty sack, neither of which is a worry with Sweaty Shorts. Any pair of Sweaties will suffice to make Sweaty Shorts, but I personally prefer (for Sweaty pants or shorts) Sweaties with pockets. Sweaties with pockets are just more convenient ‘cause they give Dudes a place to put their keys and W. But if you can only find Sweaties sans pockets to make your Sweaty Shorts, never fear, ‘cause you can simply tuck your W under the waist band. So Dudes, if you are lookin’ for a style that looks good and feels great, look no further than Sweaty Shorts. 

 

Schucker Do’s And Dont’s

By D-Bomb

 

                   Dudes Do                                Dudes Don’t

         have a 4^th place kickball team              have a last place kickball team

           

            buy black, red, or blue riggs                  buy yellow or seafoam riggs

 

                grift tubes wit’ Slurds                  have a nice convo wit’ a young lady

 

                      ‘Cho-‘Cho’s Dippin’ Dots

 

serve suckas                                            get served

                                                               (unless you’re Pat Parris,

a.k.a. Professor Cashew)

 

                         soccer pee Soccer Poo

(unless you’re Pat Parris,

a.k.a. Uncle Junebug)

 

                    Hustler and Club Reader’s Digest

 

                    watch “Sein-Sein”                                   watch “Friends”

 

                           Rhinos Parrots

 

 

         Polar Pete, Kodiak Carl, and                         giraffes, zebras, zonkeys, or

 Bill Bear “Party Bear”                                            zorses

 

WORD ON THE STREET:

The last zonkey at Grant’s Farm in Affton, MO died.

           

 

Sports

By the Anchor

 

            The Anchor is back Dudes!  After 2 Issues of bein’ Mondo-Bunk, I’m here for you once again writin’ ‘bout Dudes Sports.  This time ‘round, I will give you the complete 4-1-1 on the spring 2004 season of the Shortnecks kickball team.

 

“Shortnecks Season In Review”

 

The preseason started wit’ a few practices at St. Tim’s field.  The captain’s meetin’ was at K C’s Bar & Grill(4005 Bamberger, 314-664-3035).  The point was to receive team schedules and go over rules.  However, A-Dawg and I drank the free beer all night and did not pay attention.  We were off to a great start.

 

            -Week 1: March 7, 2004

Shortnecks get off to a tremendous start by winnin’ their first game of kickball ever.  In doin’ so, they defeated the defendin’ champions, Grr-ass Kickers 8-3, for which the great EARL played.  This would be the last time, ‘til the playoffs, that the Shortnecks would have a winnin’ record.  The win was short-lived.  The second game, the team got whooped by Gotham 8-0.  They were a team of strategy in which the Shortnecks, new to the league, could not handle.  Our players were not ready for each Tiny Taint on Gotham to bunt, and thus got frustrated.  Our Captain, S-Squared, was callin’ the girls on the other team babies and vaginas.  The sad thing was that this was how most of the teams played.  Fuckin’ buntin’.

            Also, Nighthawk tore his right quad when he tried to kick the ball in S-Town the day before the season was to begin.  The Hawkman, bein’ the trooper that he is, tried to play through the pain.  But he just couldn’t run.  I would compare him to how A-Dawg would run when she wasn’t hurt.  Not the prettiest of sights.  1-1 after the first week.

-Week 2: March 14, 2004

Shortnecks lost to Nemesis by a score 11-2.  They then turned things ‘round and beat Playground Heroes 7-2.  Good work team!  This was also the infamous week when the Shortnecks lost Nighthawk for a month.  Though he tore the quad a week earlier, he continued to play on it.  He went down for the count in the second game goin’ for a ball in left field.

-Week 3: March 21, 2004

2 of the teams best players, Swoops and the Anch Von, were out of town.  They were chillin’ on the Gulf Shores wit’ Weiner and friends, sippin’ on some Bushwackers at Flora-Bama(a kick-ass bar) on the state line of Florida and Alabama.

            The Anchor called S-Squared on that Sunday from a DBWT to see how the team did.  Not so good, as the Anchor yelled in disgust after findin’ out the bad news of losin’ both games.  Shortnecks were whooped in the 1^st game, 20-2, by K C’s Ghostrunners, and almost got into a fight wit’ Roshambo in the 2^nd game.  Also losin’ by a score of    10-7. However, this did not ruin a great time.  Anchor and the Hawk spent a killer night in Memphis.  Yes, we rocked Beale Street.

            -Week 4: March 28, 2004

RAINED OUT!

            -Week 5: April 4, 2004

Shortnecks lost to Earl’s team, 12-2.  They progressed and we regressed.  We also lost that week to Gotham for the second time.  Though this time, it was a respectable 6-3 loss.

           

Dudes from Shortnecks at Assumption Picnic

 

-April 11, 2004

No games.  Jesus rises from the dead.  Yes, Lent is finally over.  For this is Easter.

            -Week 6: April 18, 2004

Nemesis beat the Shortnecks again, 7-3.  Nighthawk also made a triumphant return.  He went 2 for 2, helpin’ the team outscore Playground Heroes 7-1. 

-Week 7: April 25, 2004

We lost to K C’s Ghostrunners again.  12-4.  Then, we got a forfeit win over Roshambo(the team we almost got into a fight wit’ in Week 3).  They were too scurred to play us.

            -Week 8: May 2, 2004

RAINED OUT FOR NO FUCKIN’ REASON!  It didn’t even rain on gameday. 

            -May 9, 2004

NO GAMES.  MOTHER’S DAY.

            -Week 9: May 16, 2004

InterConference Play.  Of course, we had to play a team that was undefeated-Kick ‘Em Where It Counts.  And of course, we had to lose to that team 12-5.  However, on a positive note, we collected our 2^nd forfeit win from Junk Food Junkies.  Woop Woop!

            Shortnecks end the season wit’ a dismal 5-9 record, wit’ 2 forfeit wins.  But each of the 32 teams makes the playoffs in which the Shortnecks hope to shine and peak.

 

-May 22 and 23, 2004: SKA TOURNAMENT

-May 22: Saturday

Shortnecks were scheduled to start playin’ at 10 a.m.  BUNK!  Not ideal for our partyin’ crew.  However, 2 forfeits allowed us to not play ‘til 1:30 p.m.  Thanks to Schlafly and the peeps who ran the tournament for the free water, G-Rade, BBQ, and most importantly, Schlafly Beer.

            The tournament was set up on Saturday so the bottom-ranked 16 teams would play and, of course, we played our rivals Roshambo.  A great defensive battle pursued, and our team came up a bit short wit’ a 3-2 loss. However, not all bad.  There was FREE BEER.  This was the Shortnecks’ 1^st tournament in SKA, and to our surprise, we were supposed to play 8 innings.  We only played 7.  In tournament play, there is 1 extra inning.  So, an official from the tournament asked both teams if we wanted to play the last inning. After some reluctance, our sweet asses were back on to pitch.  It was our call ‘cause we were the home team.  Roshambo was PISSED! 

            We gave up 1 more run in the 8^th inning, makin’ the score 4-2 in Roshambo’s favor.  The free beer was startin’ to kick in at this point, so I don’t recall how we scored.  But we tied the game 4-4.  Thus, extra innings were loomin’.  After a defensive stand by the Shortnecks, it was our time to kick.  All I remember is that we won wit’ a head-first slide into home plate by Nighthawk.  That Dude was definitely PLAYER OF THE DAY!  And oh yeah, Roshambo was PISSED AGAIN! 

            We now had a little momentum to begin our next game, gettin’ off to an early lead.  The team we were playin’ in the 2^nd game that day, Bit Tipsy, kept on chippin’ away, however, a bad base runnin’ mistake in the bottom of the 8^th stopped their comeback at 8-6.  Can you believe it?  The Shortnecks made it to the Final 4!!!  One of the worst teams in the regular season was now the Cinderella Darlin’ of the tournament. This was not the end of the day, for the Anchor and Amika had to shine in the All-Star game.  The Anchor went 3 for 3 and reached a 4^th time on an error.  The Anchor also had a spectacular catch in right center when a ball was bombed into the outfield, hittin’ a tree and I, as an All-Star, never took my eye off the ball and made a spectacular slidin’ catch as the ball deflected off a tree branch.

            However, the All-Star team I was on was on the losin’ side of the kickball.  However, not all was lost ‘cause a few of us on the team were en route to Little D’s graduation party for some free Hodak’s fried chicken and Adult beverages.  The Shortnecks didn’t have to play the next day ‘til 2:30 p.m., so most of us partied at Captain Xtreme’s crib.  He and his little bro were havin’ a dual graduation party.  It might have been the Erschen brothers’ party, but the Shortnecks’ stellar performance on Saturday was all the buzz at the party.

            -May 22: Sunday

Final Four.  2:30 p.m.  A few Shortnecks showed up early to scope out the competition.  BULL SHIT!  We were there early for the free food and, most importantly, the free beer.  We learned soon after showin’ up that we had to play Gotham for the 3^rd time this season.  We had lost the previous 2 meetin’s.  We started off good, however, had 1 bad inning.  A terrible umpire and timely hittin’ for Gotham proved to be our doom.  We took one to the balls, losin’ to the eventual tournament champions 9-3.  In the 3^rd place game, we decided to play everybody, even the scrubs.  This was a big mistake. 2 horrible plays by 2 different right fielders probably cost us 3^rd place.  If you want to know, neither Swoops nor the Anchor were in right field.  Probably, a bad coachin’ mistake.  Good job S-Squared.  We mounted a late comeback, but it was too little too late.  We eventually lost to A Team Named ‘Sue’ 5-3.

              Like most Sundays after kickball, we ended up at K C’s Bar & Grill.  Joinin’ us were a few other kickball teams who like to party.  We ate, we drank, Alyssa made an ass out of herself(as per usual), yellin’ ‘bout a K C’s player’s baby numerous times.  She kept on sayin’ that they win ‘cause they had a baby.  This concluded one helluva season wit’ a respectable record of 9-11 overall(4 forfeit wins).  The after party concluded at A-Dawg’s house in her hot tub.  It is meant for 6 people, but we filled it wit’ 14!  And yes, we were all naked.  We drank the night away wit’ no pantalones on.

 

Shortnecks Kick Ass in Kickball!

 

PREDICTIONS FOR NEXT SEASON

-Anchor makes a bid for league MVP and a second straight All-Star appearance.

-Anchor files for free agency, most likely to sign wit’ Team Dudes.

-S-Squared will still be the biggest VAGINA in the world.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: ANCH VON USED THE WORD ‘HOWEVER’ 5 TIMES IN THIS ARTICLE)

 

Fun Fact # 6

 

“Neon” Deion Sanders is the only Dude that has played in both the World Series(Atlanta Braves) and the Super Bowl(Dallas Cowboys and San Francisco 49ers).  He is also the only Dude who has caught a pass and made an interception in the Super Bowl.  GOOD WORK!

 

 

Sports Special Feature

By Nighthawk

 

Rock Skippin’

 

            In the wonderful world of Dudes Sports, there are, of course, your more traditional and obvious sports like baseball, football, and hockey.  On the other hand, there are your more obscure and less-popular sports such as sleddin’, ping pong, and foosball.  In this special feature, you Dudes will read ‘bout Rock Skippin’.

            A Dudes Sports Classic, rock skippin’ is fun for Dudes of all ages.  It’s also great for this time of the year, SUMMER.  All you need is a rock for skippin’ and a body of water to skip it on.  And no, your bath tub does not count.  Keep in mind, oceans are no good either ‘cause of how the tide comes in so strongly that you can’t get any distance at all on a skip.  You’re tossin’ into the waves that are crashin’ on shore.  So stay away from the 7 seas.  OK.  Good.  Try to get your skip on only on lakes and ponds.  If you have to, ‘cause of limited resources, you can get decent skippage on a small river or creek.  Just remember to skip you rock down current.  Let the water work for YOU.  With calm waters, you should be able to get a good number of skips per toss(5-7) and good distance(50+ feet).

            Let’s move on to the part ‘bout the rocks.  No, not crack rocks silly.  First and foremost, it’s P.Y.O.R. when you’re rock skippin’. That’s PICK YOUR OWN ROCK!  Ain’t no one gonna be out on that lake to pick rocks for you.  That’s pussy shit.  A good size rock is roughly 2-3 inches long on each side.  Also, ‘bout 1/8” is good thickness for a skippin’ rock.  You also want it to be flat on BOTH sides.  Once you’ve got the rock, hold it flat between your thumb and forefinger on your tossin’ hand.  Rest the bottom side of the rock on the side of your middle finger.  Plant your feet firmly on the ground, wi’ your front foot bein’ the one opposite your tossin’ arm.  For example: if your right arm is your tossin’ arm, your left foot is your front foot and VICE VERSA.  It’s just like battin’ in baseball.  Steady yourself, pull your tossin’ arm back, and skip that rock wit’ a flick of the wrist. Remember to hold yourself low to the ground and toss the rock parallel to the water surface.  Repeat this over and over ‘til you feel you are ready to challenge other Dudes on fishin’ trips, camp-outs, etcetera.   

 

High Kick competition at Roy & Ann's

 

Photos

           

           D-Bomb and Ran-Man                                           D-Bomb is OUT!

 

                 

              HOT DOGS!                                                   FAT MAN!

 

Scary Shit!

 

Boneyard Boob Tube

By Nighthawk

 

            This section is a new installment for Dudes Mag.  It will be in each and every issue.  It will go over the main points of a television show which has been off the air for some time and is not in syndication.  Yet, at the same time, the show kicks total ass.  It could be ‘cause it’s just so bad that it’s funny or it’s just plain awesome, or it could be both.  Hence the name of this article.  For the inaugural edition, Small Wonder will be the subject of this article.

 

Small Wonder

            Here’s the basic storyline of the show: A 9-year-old robot girl named Vicki has an 11-year-old “brother” named Jamie and a “mom” and a “dad”, Joan and Ted, respectively.  Ted is the one who created her.  Every episode, Vicki and Jamie get into trouble and the nosey neighbor girl, Harriet Brindle, is always suspicious, but can’t prove that Vicki is really a robot and not a little girl.  The Lawson family is also always keepin’ the secret that Vicki is a robot.  What more could you ask for in an 80’s T.V. show? NADA!(Spanish for NOTHING)

            The show ran for 4 seasons from 1985-1989.  That’s 96 episodes to you and me.  Tiffany Brissette sure played a good robot-girl.  And what’s more is that Edie McClurg, she played Grace, the secretary in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986), played Harriet’s mom, Bonnie Brindle.  She was just as nosey as Harriet was.  It should be noted that Edie McClurg was born on July 23, 1951 in Kansas City, Missouri.  Woop!  Woop! 

            While Vicki was the human name for the robot-girl, V.I.C.I. really stood for Voive Input Child Identicant.  Kind of like how A.L.F.  stood for Alien Life Form.  I think that mentionin’ A.L.F. in this article is a little bit of foreshadowin’.  Just thought I’d mention that.  Anyway, V.I.C.I. meant that you could program Vicki wit’ voice commands.  For example, you could say to her, “Vicki, make me a drink.”  Then, withouht askin’ what kind of drink or where the booze was, she would make you the drink that you wanted her to make.  How original.

            Vicki always wore the same red dress on every show like she was Superman or a cartoon character.  Jesse Ventura even guest starred as Joan’s ex-boyfriend on an episode.  At that time, he was known as The Body and not The Mind.  I did hear rumors that he has recently dropped The Mind nickname.  I’m not for sure.  I’ll have my secretary find out for me as soon as she’s done givin’ me a Hummer.  With the exception of Punky Brewster(1984-1988), Small Wonder is the only show that’s got a pedophile kinda thing goin’ for it.  It seems that not many producers these days are down wit’ a show whose storyline is that a young girl is either created by the father figure(Small Wonder) or that the father figure for the little girl is an old man who adopts the little girl ‘cause she and her dog are abandoned by her mother(Punky Brewster).  On a side note, Soleil Moon Frye, the girl who played Penelope ‘Punky’ Brewster is now very hot.

            At night, the Lawsons kept Vicki in a closet in Jamie’s room.  Vicki also always spoke in a monotone.  There was even an episode when Vicki smoked cigarettes to teach a lesson to viewers.  The funny thing was that she smoked durin’ the WHOLE EPISODE!  What a healthy set of lungs that robot-girl had.  On another episode, Jamie and Vicki improvised a “rap” demonstration for Joan and Ted ‘cause they didn’t know what the musical genre was.  UNBELIEVABLE!  Somehow, Vicki didn’t rap in her usual monotone, but Jamie did.  MIND BOGGLIN’!  The Vandals even have a song called Small Wonder on their album, Fear of a Punk Planet.  The tune is all ‘bout bein’ madly in love wit’ Vicki. However, her name is spelled Vicky in the lyrics. 

Check it out at www.vandals.com 

 

Do what you can to help get this show back on the air.  E-mail FOX, which is the network that originally aired the show, at askfox@foxinc.com and ask for Small Wonder to be added onto the schedule of your local FOX station. 

For more information ‘bout Small Wonder, go to www.smallwonder.tv

 

Dude Found In Contempt Of Dudes Stuff

By The Founder Dudes

(Mr. Rin Tin Tin & Nighthawk)

           

In recent Times of Dude, a certain Dude has failed to be Dudely on a number of occasions.  We don’t know why.  While he is still a Dude, he has the potential to be more Dudely.  He has been tip-toein’ on the Line of Contemptness for quite some time now, and we just couldn’t wait any longer to let other Dudes know ‘bout his recent bunkness.

 

D.F.I.C.O.D.S.

 

Points of Contemptness

-He doesn’t party sometimes ‘cause he “doesn’t feel like it.”-

-He was on the Shortnecks kickball team, and only played for 2 weeks.  Although he didn’t play most weeks, he wore his team shirt at home.  Almost as if he was cheerin’ on the team?!?-

-Is tyin’ the knot in the Fall of 2005-

-Due to a rigid and strenuous video gamin’ schedule, he doesn’t hit the streets wit’ other Dudes as much as he should-

-Was among several other Dudes which did not attend the Issue 3 Release Party ‘cause it was “too far.”-

 

Autograph section numero DOS

Map of route from Keef's house to Release Party site.

 

-TESTIMONIAL ON D.F.I.C.O.D.S.-

“The Dude hangs out wit’ Ronald McDonald more than he parties wit’ Dudes.”

-           8Bit

 

THIS JUST IN: KEEF IS THE NEW MAYOR OF BUNK CITY!

 

What Would You Do, Dude?

By Mr. Rin Tin Tin

 

1. You are at one your favorite dives poundin’ a few wit’ some Dudes when, for some unknown reason, some fly hens walk in.

Do You:

 

A. Stare at them from across the bar

B. Kindly ask to buy them a drink

C. Grab the hottest one by the arm and tell her what up

 

2. After the little mama starts to warm up to you and both of you are good and drunk, you can tell that you have a shot with her.

Do You:

 

A. Thank her for a lovely evenin’ and be on your way

B. Ask for her digits

C. Take her back to your pad

 

3. After a most refreshing trip to the Boneyard, the silly hen wants to talk and shit, which you obviously are NOT down for.

Do You:

 

A. Talk wit’ her anyway

B. Pretend to be asleep and not respond

C. Tell the hoe to skedaddle

 

4. For some reason the hen still wants to hang wit’ you and eventually you discover that she is a pretty righteous chick. So you party with her now and again and enjoy many trips to the Yard of Bone. But, of course, it is too good to be true (as is always the case) and she begins to talk ‘bout becomin’ serious and shit.

Do You:

 

A. Become an exclusive, serious item

B. Tell her that you want to take it slow and see what happens

C. Run like the fuckin’ wind

 

5. Some time passes since the last time you saw her and she calls you out of the blue and asks if you want to go out with her and some of her friends.

Do You:

 

A. Tell her that you made a mistake and that you want her back

B. Be her friend

C. Hit on one of her friends and start the whole cycle over again

 

 

Any and all Dudes should have answered C and only C. If you did not answer C to all the questions you should seriously reflect on who you are and where your priorities are. Remember Dudes, its bros befores hoes, boys before bitches, Dudes before dames. Why? Because as many famous rappers have said, bitches ain’t nothin’ but hoes (and vice versa). Tell a bitch like this: SHUT UP!

 

What was Nighthawk tryin' to write on this plate?

 

Riggs

By Nighthawk

 

            Let’s take a minute to review what Dudes Riggs has taught you Dudes so far.  Issue 1 showed Dudes everywhere the importance of maintenance of the rigg and also, how to properly accessorize your rigg to show your true colors.  Issue 2 explained how to correctly wash your rigg and clean the inside of it.  The second Issue then showed Dudes how a clean rigg will get you whirleybird.  The Issue even went as far as breakin’ down the process of gettin’ busy in the back seat of your rigg in detail.  Issue 3 reinforced the fact that when a Dude is “at the helm”, what he says goes.  The way you drive, the bad jams you crank, and which different routes to destinations you wanna take are all topics in which the Dude at the Helm gets the final say on.  This Issue, #4, is gonna go over the steps of buyin’ a new rigg.  (By ‘new’, I mean newer than your present rigg.)

 

Dudes Rigg Shoppin’

            There are 2 basic reasons for buyin’ a new rigg.  First, is the obvious one.  YOUR RIGG HAS KICKED THE BUCKET.  It died on the way to or from somewhere, and you have just had it with the piece of shit.  The rigg is not worth the cost of gettin’ it wrenched on.  The second reason for a new rigg is that YOUR RIGG DOESN’T HAVE MUCH LIFE LEFT IN HER.  After a few years of denial, you have come back to reality.  She’s been repaired many a time and, frankly, you just don’t wanna put your baby through the torture again.  No matter which of these 2 categories your rigg falls under, you need a new one. Here’s what you do.

            Decide on a price you can afford.  If you’re like most Dudes, it won’t be much.  Between booze, records, NES cartridges, and more booze, you just simply do not have the money for a nice rigg.  In any event, you are excited ‘bout a new rigg.  (By ‘new’, I mean different.)  Next, decide on what type of rigg you want.  Do you have a fancy for a truck, van, mini-van, or car?  Also, what make do you prefer?  Ford, Chevy, Cadillac, etc.  Once you’ve figured all this shit out, remember that there are 2 ways to look for a rigg: goin’ to rigg lots and lookin’ in the paper.  Both of these methods should be exercised.  In return, you’ll spend less time lookin’ for a new rigg and more time cruisin’ ‘round in one.  SWEET!  Don’t let a Dude ata rigg lot or a Dude on the phone give you the run-around.  Let him know that he’s on your time.  You’re the boss.  Not him.  Test drive a rigg that you like 2 or 3 times.  Look under the hood.  Ask if all the shit under the hood is original. And if not, what has been replaced.  Did the previous owner get the oil changed regularly?  How many miles are on the sumbitch?  If the engine has been replaced, how many miles were on the original engine and how many are there on the present one?  These are just some of the questions you need to be askin’. Also, is the stereo BITCH?  If the answer is no, ask, “why not?”  What are the options?  Meanin’, are the windows and locks power or manual?  Don’t be afraid to even make up a few questions.  Try to catch the motherfucker off guard and ask ‘bout the blinker fluid or the location of the lead belt(J-Man, you know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.).  If the Dude tryin’ to sell you the lemon seriously tries to tell you ‘bout the blinker fluid or the location of the lead belt, leave at once.  Then, you must repeat this process over and over and over until you have found your new rigg.  And one other thing, if you are actually buyin’ a new rigg(by ‘new’, I mean really, actually new.  No foolin’ Beav.), don’t do it.  Instead, buy Dudes some rounds of beer or throw a kegger.  Hard earned money is too hard earned to be wasted on anything but a piece of shit car and Heavies.  Later Dudes and Good Luck, Nighthawk.

 

DUDES RIGGS DON'TS

 

DUDES COME CLEAN

On behalf of Mr. Rin Tin Tin and D-Bomb, I’m gonna be honest here.  After just writin’ the latest installment of Dudes Riggs, I feel that we’ve exhausted all options for an article ‘bout Dudes riggs.  The three of us have talked it over, and we just can’t think of any other ideas for an article ‘bout Dudes riggs.  Now it’s your chance to do somethin’ ‘bout it.  If you have a Dudes Riggs article idea, email it in.  If it’s cool enough, you will be the new columnist for Dudes Riggs.  Now get thinkin’.

 

 

Dude Got Served

By The Founder Dudes

 

      This new article was inspired, but is not endorsed, by the red-hot Dudes Flick

You Got Served(2004). If you haven’t seen this flick, get off your ass and RENT THIS BITCH!  Granted, it ain’t gonna win any OSCARS, but it is definitely good for a few laughs.  For those of you who haven’t seen this flick and don’t know what it means to “get served”(hopefully, no one), it happens when someone makes you look like a SUCKA-ASS CHUMP!  In the flick, people get served by other people who dance better than they do, but there are many ways to get served as the Anchor can attest to.  Recently, the Anchor has been in a funk and has been gettin’ served all over town and beyond.  The list below outlines the occurrences of the last few months in which the Anch Von Anchenstein has had his ass handed to him. Don’t be surprised if you hear a bell when the Anchor comes around, ‘cause this foo has been gettin’ schooled!  Remember Dudes, if you see someone get served, be sure to call it out.  SERVED!  SERVED!  SERVED!

 

Recent Servings Handed to the Anchor

 

May 29, 2004 – Anchor got served by a log in the Niangua River & temporarily lost his cowboy hat which floated downstream. The term for the log that was in the riverway is “strainer.”

 

May 30, 2004 – A Douchebag from Kansas City approached the Dudes’ campsite, and introduced himself to us.  As he went ‘round the Dudes and shook hands, he turned to the Anchor and said, “I’m gonna skip you.”

 

May 30, 2004 – (SELF-SERVED)Anchor shit on the right-front tire of his rigg and then ‘bout 1 Foot outside Tallman’s tent.  Tallman was Xtremely pissed!  Anch Von then wiped his ass wit’ his boxers and a plastic bag & left both items next to his cable.  In the mornin’, we noticed that the Johnny-On-The-Spot was ‘bout 50 Feet away!

 

                    

                Anchor's poo!                                                     Anchor's boxers!

 

June 1, 2004 – A fat heffer of a bitch at Super’s Bungalow Beer Garden smacked the Anchor on his right ear for no apparent reason.  He temporarily lost his hearin’ in that ear.

 

June 2, 2004 – The Anchor sat in an already-broken chair(which he didn’t know ‘bout) at the Real Bar & Grill, and then fell on his ass in front of everyone in the patio.

 

      In general, the Anchor has been straight-up gettin’ served at the Salt Mines.  He only works, on average, 4 days a week. Yet, he is continually scheduled ‘til 11 p.m.  BUNK!  Also, he works a lot of shifts that start at 7 a.m.  On some occasions, he’ll work ‘til 11p.m. and then have to be back in at 7 a.m. the next mornin’.  BUNK!  And he is almost always scheduled to work the U-Scan isle at the Salt Mines.  This involves standin’ and doin’ nothin’ ‘til some moron is havin’ trouble scannin’ items and puttin’ greenbacks into the machine for payment.  BUNK!  On behalf of the Anchor, Dudes Magazine would like to send out a big FUCK YOU BUTLER HILL SCHNUCKS!!!

 

      Don’t think it can’t happen to you.  You might get served when you least expect it.  When you are truly ballin’, you have to watch your back.  You might just get straight served.  SERVED!

 

Lame City!

 

Fun Fact # 7

 

-CRAZY 9’S-

On September 9^th, 1999, Nicholas Stephen Wadle was born at 9:09 a.m. in Beloit, Wisconsin.  He weighed 9 lbs., 9 oz.

 

Cable Tales

By The Cable Monster

 

      Yo Dudes, Live from the Porcelain, it’s your worst nightmare in the Throne Room.  You guessed it, The Cable Monster is back and browner than ever!  Last Issue, I wrote to you Dudes ‘bout the Toll On The Bowl.  While the response was good, my consumption of Tubies is at an all-time low.  Granted, I expect a lot in the Tubie Department.  But I think that bein’ The Cable Monster, I should feed on way more Tubies than I have as of late.  So in this edition of Cable Tales, I’m gonna give you Dudes the skinny on places to not lay cable.  You see, when you don’t lay cable in The Bowl, I have no chance at getting’ a Tubie or two.  The Bowl is where I live.  I don’t leave home, if you know what I mean!

 

Where Not To Shit

      First and foremost, do not lay cable in bed.  I know that right now you’re thinkin’ to yourself, “Hey man, only little kids shit their beds.”  WRONG!!!  Studies have shown that adults have, on occasion, pooped a turd or two while in bed.  Assumin’ that you bed is inside, you are so close to the can that it’s not even funny.  So get outta bed, and sit on The Bowl for a while.  I get lonely in the wee hours of the night. 

      Next, shittin’ your pants is not good for me. Besides that, it’s not cool.  Your peers WILL MAKE FUN OF YOU!  If you’ve got a serious Case of the Biffs on a particular day, don’t push too hard when breakin’ wind.  It’s only gonna get you into trouble.  You’ll have to change your underwear and your pants/shorts.  Not to mention, how do you explain to people that you shit your pants?  Unless you’re Nighthawk and have no shame, you’re fucked.  When you think that your next Biff might put you over the line, come pay me a visit.  I promise I won’t bite!  HA!  HA!

      Movin’ on, it is highly looked down upon to drop a deuce in or on your rigg.  How would you ever get the smell out?  You wouldn’t.  You also would have to sit in your own shit while you swerve your rigg back to your digs to clean yourself and your rigg.  If you, for some odd reason, decide to shit on the exterior of your rigg, you are once again fucked.  While you can clean it off the exterior very easily, you cannot explain it just as easily.  If you don’t believe me, ask the Anchor how difficult it was for him to explain to other Dudes that he took a shit on his tire. 

Nighthawk Lays Cable

 

Lastly, do not shit in the outdoors.  This includes layin’ cable on grass, rocks, shrubs, leaves, and any other kind of outdoor surface.  Just ‘cause a bear shits in the woods, does not mean that you can.  Go to a Johnny-On-The-Spot or shit in a bucket of some sort.  If it’s in the bucket, you can’t step in it.  Unless, of course, you are an idiot and routinely step in buckets of shit.  Also, while in the outdoors, do not squeeze out a couple of logs in any body of water.  Remember, you’re not the only Dude in the outdoors.  A floatin’ turd could come in contact wit’ another Dude downstream.  Please have common courtesy for other Dudes, if not for anyone else.  So, bend over a bucket, let ‘em fly and wipe your ass wit’ a Tubie or two.  Us monsters have to eat too.

      I hope these examples of the many that are possible help you do the right thing the next time you have to lay cable. Think of me.  You can always buy more Tubies at the store.  It’s not the end of the world if lose one or two to me.  I can’t go shoppin’.  I’m a monster for Shit’s Sake.

 

Outdoors

By Root

 

Whoa!!!! Another summer means another Dudely Summer of outdoor adventure. Gettin’ out into the countryside and livin’ like they did back in frontier days is such dang ole fun. Well, since most of us slave in the Mines all day, gettin’ time to go campin’, floatin’, climbin’, hikin’, or spelunkin’ is unfortunately rare these days. Well, fear not.   There are all kinds of things to do in the urban streets and creeks of St. Louis.  For instance, after a long day of boozin’, since it was St. Patty’s Day, I did some urban hikin’. Bein’ shit-canned, I refused numerous offers for a ride home ‘cause I was still poundin’ beer and Slainte had me pumped. After a couple of dropped beers and somehow dancin’, I closed my tab and looked ‘round for a ride, nobody was in sight and I really did not want to pay for a cab, so I took the gym shoes express for about 12 miles back to SoCo. I was doin’ some urban hikin’ and nobody else was out.  Only a few cars on the roads made the hike pretty easy.  My hike through the city was great and nobody bothered me, but when I hit the county line, I felt the County Brownies’ aura. Well it happened to me again.  I got pulled over walkin’.  For the record, I have been pulled over more times walkin’ than actually drivin’.  I got questioned, and by this time I was fairly sober, and they let me be. I finished up the last leg of the trek crossin’ Mattis Creek and up through the common ground woods to my house and crashed hard. So next time you feel like doin’ some urban hikin’, 12 miles will take you ‘round three to four hours and maybe a friendly run-in with the County Brownies.

            Another thing to do in the city is urban floatin’.  I’m not talkin’ ‘bout a cruise ‘round a lake in Forest Park.  I’m talkin’ ‘bout descents down creeks and ditches at flood stage. Although highly dangerous, if planned right, some shooter dang fun can be had. You may have heard of the Anchor gettin’ served on the river.  He got strained by some branches and almost got his head taken off by a canoe, all in the effort to save the cowboy hat.  Way to go Anchor!  Bein’ buzzed up, the Anchor underestimated the power of the current and he got hung up in some branches of a tree.  He got strained!  Although alcohol and fast water don’t mix too well, one should always have one or two in ya before floatin’ just in case it is your last. Other than gettin’ strained by a river, gettin’ caught in crazy hydraulics is a factor to deal wit’, especially in man-made creeks. What happens is you get sucked under things and the water is movin’ faster over the top of you and you get trapped underwater in a hole and may bight the dust.  If you make it out then you will have a good story to tell. Even though helmets and PFD’s(personal flotation devices) may be unduly to some, they are a must when attemptin’ things like this.  I plan on floatin’ Mattis Creek this summer, so get in touch if you want to make history.

Things like climbin’ water towers, climbin’ and parachutin’ off the Arch, repellin’ down the sides of skyscrapers, and four-wheelin’ in parks, although illegal, all have their time and place. And don’t forget the Mighty Miss, she is one of the biggest rivers in this world, and from personal experience, floatin’ this bitch is hella fun, just watch out for barges, gators, and your occasional tree that shoots up out of the water and can capsize your boat. Oh yeah, pack some heat also.  River rats are a strange breed.

       

Dear Dude

By Mr. Rin Tin Tin

 

Dear Dude,

 

I, along with all the Dudes I know and have always partied with, am startin’ to become an older Dude. I am not an old fogey or anythin’, I am just in my late twenties. I know that is not that old, but I am startin’ to feel old ‘cause I spend so much time at the Salt Mines and some of the Dudes I know come up with any excuse they can not to party. I still love to pound Heavies into the wee hours of the night, but the Dudes I know keep gettin’ lamer and lamer. Some of the Dudes I used to party with have moved out of town and others are engaged or already married. So obviously the engaged and married Dudes don’t party as much ‘cause their old ladies nag them incessantly. Sometimes I feel like I am the only Dude left who still wants to kick it on a regular basis, which I don’t do anymore ‘cause I can’t get any Dudes to join me. I am not above drinkin’ alone, but it’s just not the same and gets old after a few days in a row. What should I do, Dude?

 

Sincerely,

                                        Party Hungry Dude

 

 

Party Hungry Dude,

 

Many Dudes encounter this same problem when they reach your age. Like you said, the Dudes they know start gettin’ married and shit or just become flat out lazy. The first thing you should try, though it is unlikely to work, is to try convince the Dudes you know to party again by remindin’ them of sweet times that were had in the past and how the clock is tickin’ on sweet partyin’ (few Dudes really party down after the big 3-0). If that fails, then you should try to seek out other Dudes to party with. It will probably be difficult to find Dudes your age without some kind of connection, but you could search various dive bars, bowlin’ alleys, shootin’ ranges, and other places. If you still come up short, you might seek out some minors (maybe your little bro or just look for some minors millin’ ‘round outside a liquor store), who are always willin’ to get blasted and probably need someone to buy them booze anyhow. Though you will probably get annoyed with them quickly, you will at least have a few weeks of partyin’ and will have an outlet if you are desperate. If the young Dudes just don’t cut it, then stick to your guns on drinkin’ solo. If you stake out a sweet dive with a cool barkeep you will be fine. At least you can converse with the barkeep and you are sure to hook up with some Dudes eventually. Remember, IF YOU POUND ‘EM, DUDES WILL COME!

 

Good Luck,

                   Dude

 

Shirts Are For Work!

 

Drunk Meter

(How Drunk Are You?)

By D-Bomb

 

Welcome to Dudes Drunk Meter.  This is where you check out what condition your condition is in.  SHOOT!!!

 

MATCH THESE TERMS WIT’ THE DESCRIPTIONS BELOW

DRUNK

SHIT-FACED

CRUNKED

HOSED

WIPED SLICK

(DRUNK is the lowest level of intoxication and WIPED SLICK is the highest)

 

Bunkley drinks a bag o' 7 & 7

 

            1 – A Dude has a rough day at the Salt Mines, on account of a Douchebag El Jefe.  So, this Dude picks up 2 drivin’ cans and whacks both of ‘em back on the way to the Hole.  Dude proceeds to slug nine more Heavies, have 3 shots of “yellow”, and a to-go Gin & Tonic. 

This Dude is: __________

 

            2 – A portly Dude has to suffer through dinner wit’ his old lady’s ‘rents.  After dinner, and in serious need of Heavies, he stops and picks up an eight-pack(sixer and a drivin’ can) which he pounds while watchin’ a late night Sein-Sein marathon. 

This Dude is: __________

 

3 – A Dude is attendin’ a party on a Saturday night.  It seems that the prior evenin’s activities have rendered this Dude slightly sick.  Over the course of the evenin’, the Dude manages to force down a sixer(atta boy Dude, feed the dog that bit ya).  Anyways a mysterious Dude shows up wit’ some earth.  The Dude partakes.  The Dude retires to his Set-Up. 

This Dude is: __________

 

4 – A Dude wakes up and the first thought in his mind is: “I could drink right now.”  So, the Dude does as any Dude would do, he takes action.  12:00 p.m.-Dude is seen on a back porch listenin’ to the Birdnals game and poundin’ ice-cold Heavies.  3:00 p.m.-Dude is 7 deep on the Heavies.  He is seen droppin’ cotton, griftin’ tubes wit’ Slurds, and of course…poundin’ Heavies.  7:00 p.m.-Dude has retired to local dive, where he partakes in free Happy Hour vittles and $1 drafts of the Heavy.  9:30 p.m.-Dude moseys on over to a fellow Dude’s ‘rents’ house, for they are out of town.  Upon arrivin’, Dude is seen takin’ hits of Mad Dog, Bag Wine, and wicked Dudes Earth.  3:30 a.m.-Dude was passed out for an hour. He wakes up in the lawn, pukes, pisses, strips to his boxers, and finds a dress in a fellow Dude’s Mom’s closet.  3:45 a.m.-Stragglers left at party find said Dude passed out wit’ his head in a cooler and the dress pulled down so his hairy man boobs are exposed. 

This Dude is: __________

 

5 – A Dude checks out a sweet party near the Saint Louis Gonorrhea.  Apparently, there is a 7-gallon tub of Jungle to be ingested.  There is also a Tin Man.  This sparks the Dude’s interest.  After tastin’ the luscious sweet intoxicatin’ juice, he decides to have 11 more cups of it.  SHOOT!  He throws a few whoas, craps, shoots, and whirleybirds, heads for his rigg and begins to journey on home.  Halfway home, the Dude’s vision is blurrin’ and his head begins to spin.  The Dude pulls into a Donny’s lot, noshes on a double cheeseburger, and passes out in the rigg.  When the Dude wakes up in the mornin’, he does not remember how he got into the lot or Donny’s on his favorite Dudes T-Shirt. 

            This Dude is: __________

 

                   

J-Squared Knows How to Party!                                  TOO MUCH TO DRINK!

 

Word Scramble

By Nighthawk

 

          1- RLSUD _ _ _ _ _

          2- ETMA   AWSET _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _

          3- NYCDO _ _ _ _ _

          4- HUTODCETE _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

          5- OKPR   DSOWR                _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _

          6- TUBT   RAPEP _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _

          7- TOA   DSAOS _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _

          8- EMTU RCLIEC                _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _

          9- VAKYSIKNSLANA           _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

        10- SEDUD TAPECR            _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Name That Dude

By D-Bomb

 

Fill in the blanks wit’ the name of the Dude that you think fits the description.

 

1 – The little brother of a truly sweet Dude and also always has wicked Dudes Earth:

_ _ _ _

 

2 – Rocks the docks at Dill-Dill’s, has a Set-Up, and some righteous rubber legs:

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

 

3 – Hey Dudes, can you fit 3 of this Dude’s many nicknames in the spaces?  SHOOT!:

1)      _ _ _’   _ _ _   _ _ _

2)      _ _ _ _   _ _ _

3)      _ _ _ _ _ _

 

4 – 2 Dudes who both played a little soccer at Webster University.  These Dude still play a little soccer everywhere:

_ - _ _ _          _ _ _   _ _ _

 

5 – Is extremely gifted in the height department.  I mean he’s way up there.  His favorite compliment is, “Dang Cornstalk, you should play basketball!”:

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

 

(extra points)

What is the modified version of his name:

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

 

Fun Fact # 8

 

The bratwurst is known as “Wisconsin’s Soul Food, and a brat eaten without a beer is known as a “bratwash”.

 

 

Horoscope

By Nighthawk

 

ARIES (March 21-April 19) – You will grift tubes wit’ Slurds today and tomorrow.

 

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) – The Fifth Base Shuffle will be the only dance that will be danced in your room tonight.  By the way, have some anal beads on hand.

 

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) – Your favorite T-Bell shuts down forever!  AAAHHHH!!!

 

CANCER (June 21-July 22) – You will have a serious Case of the Biffs, and blow any chances of gettin’ taint deep.  You shouldn’t have had that burrito from El Burrito Loco.

 

LEO (July 23-August 22) – While you are very busy wit’ a Wake-n-Jerk, a Slurd sees you wit’ your Pork Sword out.  She then asks if she can join you.  HELL YEAH!  Together, the two of you have the Party of the Year.

 

VIRGO (August 23-September 22) – At the liquor store, you are tipped off ‘bout a killer party!  You have nothin’ else to do, so you go.  There is Jungle Juice, 2 kegs o’ Heavy, and Jeff!  It ends up bein’ the highlight of your weekend.

 

LIBRA (September 23-October 22) – You have Chicken Statutory for dinner, wit’ a side o’ the pinkest of all pink tunas.

 

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21) – It is yet another Summer of Regression, and you and some Dudes are at a school carnival.  You enter a raffle for a ’75 Cadillac. You Win!  Way to go Dude!  You just won a new rigg!

 

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21) – Tonight, you make a tough decision:  Shortnecks or Goosenecks. Remember, the night depends on it.  Choose wisely.

 

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19) – You and some Dudes will cross over to Dudes Playland.  You win $50 on slots and then, treat yourself to a private dance at the Tart.

 

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18) – It’s Couples Night at Skanksylvania, but as a Dude, you know better.  MUCH BETTER.  Instead, you cruise in your rigg to a local dive and pick up a drunken M.I.L.F.  Nothin’ like roundin’ the bases on a mom!

 

PISCES (February 19-March 20) – You are drunkenly gettin’ your lean on at the Crossroads of the Universe.  A Slurd asks you if you wanna go Backside, Top Shelf on her.  Of course, you say yes.  The two of you proceed to the public bathroom at the White Castle across the street.  You shove it in her Brown Star.  Upon squirtin’ some Dudes Mayo in her Dumper, John Law arrests you for havin’ sex in a public place.  He tells you he was tipped off by a Flunky fry cook.  You have to spend the night in The Big House, but hey, you did get to fifth base.  You also make a mental note to kick that Flunky fry cook’s ass when you are released from The Cooler.

 

 

TO FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NAME WOULD STAND FOR IF YOU WERE A CYBORG, VISIT

THE CYBORG NAME GENERATOR

www.cyborgname.com/ 

 

Picks

 

Bad Jams O’ the Month

 

Nighthawk: “Fuck Tha Police” – N.W.A.

            I’ve got my reasons.

Mr. Rin Tin Tin: “Hit The Road Jack” - Ray Charles

 This pick is dedicated to the classic rocker and Dude, Ray Charles. You gotta respect a Dude who was blind and still put out some serious jams. This cut is an all out classic which all Dudes know and love. Though Ray is gone, sweet jams like this will always live on. Rock on Ray, you were one sweet Dude.

D-Bomb: “Cliche Guevara” – Against Me!

            This is a sweet tune by Against Me!  Check it.

8Bit: “Jailbreak” – Thin Lizzy.

            What can I say?  This tune just straight up rocks!

Lil’ Deryl: “Guns of Brixton” – The Clash

            Of course the Clash is one of the baddest bands and their dirty reggae, “Guns of Brixton”, is one BAD JAM!  Lock your doors and grab you newly legal concealed handgun(state of Missouri) and wait for the man to break down your door…How you gonna come?  With your hands on your head or the trigger of your gun?

Dave-O: “Goodbye California” – Jolie Holland (from Escondida)

            To be fair, I’ve never been to California. Still, should I ever go to California, I would certainly make it a point to leave, if for no other reason than to simply blast this righteous neo-country ditty as – drivin’ off into the sunrise – I spew exhaust westward. Holland’s jazzy phrasings breathe new life into country clichés (“I feel like a liar and a thief... oh, I’m wanted”), and her often-fragile voice strays confidently and beautifully from the song’s expected melody.

L-Vis: “Nightrain” – Guns N’ Roses

            This group really wails!

Ran-Man: “Working Man” – Rush

            A tune ‘bout workin’ for the man and not ever seein’ anythin’ good come out of it.  A Dude has got to understand this one.

Lonewolf: “Dope Show” – Marilyn Manson

            This song is so fuckin’ awesome.  Back in high school, we had to do a community service project for like 3 weeks.  Anyway, the Dude that I rode wit’ loved Manson and this was the one somg I made him play every mornin’ to get us pumped to go hang out wit’ some Dribblers(hi David, Bill, and Dave!).  Do yourself a favor, put this song on a Dosco Compacto like 18 times in a row and rock it at every party you go to.  People will love it!

Reverend Norb: “Your Love Is A Fine Thing” – Reigning Sound

            Mark Lindsay of Paul Revere & the Raiders was as Dudely a Dude as a Dude wit’ a pony tail dressed up like Thomas Jefferson could be(though Thomas Jefferson was a Dude too…and I think he ghost wrote “Brown Sugar” for the Stones in 1794).  The Reigning Sound somehow manage to spirit channel Mark Lindsay at his Dudeliest in this jam of excessive badliness!  If you don’t believe in Mark Lindsay and/or the Reigning Sound, then I say Chuck Berry’s “Blues” and/or “After School Session” albums.  You don’t fuck wit’ Chuck!!!

B-Rad: “Legalize It” – Yonder Mountain String Band

            -“Some people call it, the Diggity Dank.”

Anchor: “Takin Care of Business” – Bachman-Turner Overdrive

            ‘Cause Dudes take care of business.  For example: 12 BHGN’s, Tiny Taint, Sunnies, and Layin’ Cable.

Slam: “Good times Roll” – The Cars

            Isn’t that lead singer’s wife hot?

Root: “Body Bags”

J-Man: “Death Noose” – Cocknoose

            “Midwest muthafuckin’ maniac.”  Dudes Summer Hawk anthem.

Jenny Longshot: “One Night” – Elvis Presley

            I recently saw Wanda Jackson, one of Elvis’ ex-ladyfriends, belt this one out of her sixty somethin’-year old mouth, and it was still totally sweet.

Lars: “Killed By Death” – Motorhead

            Any Dude who doesn’t get down to Motorhead, IS BUNK!!!  And I do mean BUNK! 

Flicks O’ the Month

 

Nighthawk: You Got Served(2004)

            Served, served, served.  Street dancin’, Steve Harvey plays Mr. Rad, Jackee from Sister, Sister is in this film, and Lil’ Kim makes a cameo.  SERVED!

Mr. Rin Tin Tin: UHF (1989)

This flick is totally rad through and through. It’s loaded wit’ stars including Michael Richards (Kramer), Victoria Jackson (of SNL fame), Weird Al (needs no introduction), and Billy Barty (midget cameraman Noodles). The flick depicts the struggles of Weird Al’s cable access channel tryin’ to stay afloat while holding off the evil network affiliate and its ass-eater of a boss, R.J. Fletcher. The flick is loaded with sweet parody scenes (Weird Al’s specialty), such as Indiana Jones, Rambo, and Gone with the Wind. Not to mention the fake T.V. shows are totally righteous, especially “Conan the Librarian”, “Wheel of Fish”, and “Raul’s Wild Kingdom”. This movie is about as wacky as Weird Al’s get-up and don’t forget, Weird Al always rocks Cons!

D-Bomb: Hail to the Chimp

            I don’t think this is a real movie, but if you have ever seen the Simpson’s episode where Homer steals Moe’s car in an attempt to fraudulently acquire insurance policy funds, then you know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.  “That’s what you get when you mess with the President!”  Oo-oo.  Ah-ah.

8Bit: Howard the Duck(1986)

            George Lucas’s experiment from the mid-80’s.  Some of the topics covered in this flick are interplanetary travel, intercourse between a duck and a woman, and managin’ an all-girl rock band.  Possibly the best terrible movie of all time.

Lil’ Deryl: The Godfather, Parts I and II(1972, 1974)

            No question, The Godfather is BAD!  The multiple hit/baptism of Anthony scene in Part I is so choice.  Frankie Coppola knows how to make neglomaniacal matioso look like good God-fearin’ Italian Catholics – it makes me proud to be a Dego.  Pacino, Brando, and even DeNiro in Part II – it’s a regular Wop-Fest.  All Guinea slurs aside, these 2 flicks are a super-bad glimpse into any Italian-American’s average lifestyle. So don’t piss me off or you’ll end up like Tessio…or Carlo…or Luca Brazzi…or Sonny…or Fredo!

Dave-O: X2: X-Men United(2003)

            I’ll say it. X2 is the most successful film adaptation of all time, in that it is wholly representative of the complexity and sincerity of the original X-Men texts from which it is extracted. Eschewin’ the largely generic heroic tendencies and thinly veiled moralizin’ of the whole Lord of the Rings thing, X2 fulfills the usual expectations of neither heroes nor antiheroes. Rather, the X-Men are concurrently demonic and angelic, flippant and grave, different and just like you and me – strugglin’ to atone for our tarnished souls.

L-Vis: Police Academy 3: Back in Training(1986)

            It’s got crazy, crazy shit in it.

Ran-Man: Easy Rider(1969)

            Peter Fonda.  Dennis Hopper.  Jack Nicholson. Motorcycles.  Drugs.  Harleys.  What more does a Dude need in a flick?

Lonewolf: Rosemary’s Baby(1968)

            Totally fuckin’ awesome movie.  A Roman Polanski flick released in 1968 that is just creepy as fuck!  Two newly weds move into an apartment in NYC and their neighbors are Satan worshippers who are tryin’ to convert them, whether they like it or not.  The imagery in this film is sick and twisted; just the way a Dude likes it.  Plus, you get to see Mia Farrow’s Fun Bags.  Peep this flick now!

Reverend Norb: Smells Like Teen Spirit Volume 4

            18-year old Tiny Taints takin’ baths together wit’ vibrators!  What’s not to like?

B-Rad: Super Troopers(2001)

            Keef and me are the only ones who appreciate this comic masterpiece.  The snauzberries taste like snauzberries!

Anchor: Pimp’s Up Ho’s Down(2000)

            A documentary on Pimpin’ Ho’s and makin’ grip.  Ice-T, Mr. White Folks, and Don “Magic” Juan are just some of the stars in this sweet documentary.  Also, watch for the black girl dancin’ naked wit’ the anal beads.  Just try to count how many beads she pulls out.  It’s amazin’!

Slam: Howard the Duck(1986)

            Greatest flop in history.  If it comes on cable late at night, you can’t help but watch.  I think that the special effects are way ahead of their time.  The best part of the movie is the endin’.  Who do thunk it?

Root: Gravesend(1997)

            MTV Recordings.  One night, multiple deaths, and strange dealin’s.  All takin’ place on Coney Island, or is that Staten Island?  4 Stars.

J-Man: Red Dawn(1984)    

            Patrick “Fat Fat” Swayze leads pack o’ High School students to take back America.

Jenny Longshot: Jaws(1975)

            Motherfucker, you ain’t seen nothin’ ‘til you seen some bad-ass boys beat the shit out of a GIANT MAN-EATIN’ SHARK!  It’s got everythin’ a Dude needs, and a bloody explosion to top it all off.  Quote of the movie: “I’m talkin’ about workin’ for a livin’, I’m talkin’ about SHARKIN’!”

Lars: Virtual Sex with Jenna

            Watch Jenna as she virtually gives you a blow job, and fucks you every which way imaginable.

 

 

Foods O’ the Month

 

Nighthawk: Rap Snacks.

            9 different flavors.  The faces of such rappers as Lil Romeo, Pretty Willie, Ms. Toi, and Master P on the bags.  What a great marketin’ ploy!

Mr. Rin Tin Tin: Bratwurst.

 These tubes of meat are so damn good, it’s hard to express my love for them wit’ words. Few things can touch a grilled brat wit’ some brown mustard. I especially enjoy brats marinated in beer and the brats sold right outside the Tart. Though Tart brats are overpriced they are super-long and  taste so damn good after you have just seen some rigs and are totally hosed. I might even go so far as to say that a Tart brat was the best brat I have ever eaten.  However, I was wasted.

D-Bomb: ‘Cho-‘Cho’s.

            This delectable treat will send you soarin’.  I mean, dang, when those sweet corn chips smothered in yellow ballpark cheese-goo substance touch a Dude’s lips, that Dude is sent to heaven.  Shoot.

8Bit: 7-Eleven Taquitos.

            Convenient and oh-so delicious.  If you ask nicely, they’ll let you put some free chili on them.

Lil’ Deryl: Chicken Quesadilla, wit’ a side o’ beans and cheese from El Burrito Loco(located at 3611 Bates in South Saint Louis, 314-457-8600).

            Every Dude should check out the very BAD EBL.  The crazy little donkey makes a mean quesa and I personally favor a bean & cheese side.  Of course, feel free to sample all the delicious delicacies.  Get there early though, the hours aren’t late, but you might need those late evenin’ hours to drop trough and lay serious South O’ the Border Cable.

Dave-O: The Burrito Loco at El Burrito Loco.      

            Never has a burrito so successfully embodied such a spectrum of human emotions – from the confident arrogance of its green chilies to the humility and seemin’ acquiescence of the sour cream, which yields softly to its bolder counterparts. In addition, the absence of meat is refreshin’ in that it denies the bravado and ostentation typically associated with eponymous entrées (the chimichanga at Chimichanga, for instance).

L-Vis: Canned Sweet Corn. 

            Cut one open and dump it in a pot and heat that shit up! Crack some pepper on it and wash it down wit’ a Bud Heavy!

Ran-Man: Big Kosher Pickles at the deli.

            For under $1, these things are HUGE and GOOD!

Lonewolf: ‘Cho’s.

            It’s summertime Dude!  Go catch a Birdnals game(or whatever MLB team you rep), order yourself a Heavy, and nosh on some Dudes Nachos.  If you dig the jalapenos, tell the clerk to hook it up!  If not, rock them plain. Either way, strap on the feed bag and get your monch on wit’ some ballpark nachos.

Reverend Norb: Bean Burrito Especial from T-Bell.

            What makes this particular variant of dungbag so “especial” is that it’s a fuckin’ HALF A POUND of delicious and Dudely carbohydrates – and costs a measly fuckin’ 99 cents ta boot!  They also squirt some kinda mysterious orange sauce in there, for added stimulation!  Taco Bell proudly enters the “burritos the size of your head” product field and stomps all comers!!!  Anyone who can eat more than one is a Dudelier Dude than I!!!

B-Rad: Chkken Wings!

            Any and all forms.  For cheaper, fast great wings, I recommend Cecil Whittaker’s.  Greasy as all get-out!  More than enough sauce to satisfy.  Slower & more expensive, try Ice & Fuel.  Fat portions, wit’ a thick, almost spicy/tangy taste.

Anchor: Ketchup.

            Goes on anythin’.  I like drinkin’ it straight out of the squeeze bottle; excellent fot parties.  Also, the Hawk and myself, in the near future, are startin’ a Ketchup/Ice factory/business.  Be on the look out!

Slam: Chef Boyardee Meat Ravioli in a can.

            Like the girls that hang out at Rollercade, cheap and easy.  When campin’, just poke a hole in the top of the can and set into a roarin’ campfire.  Heat for 7-10 minutes and remove.  I recommend usin’ tongs. Tasty wit’ pepper.

Root: 1 - Smoked Pork Steak Sammy, wit’ a side o’ potato salad.

Only available at the tradin’ post on “O” Road in St. Genevieve County, MO just before you hit Root’s family’s claim.  It’s only $3.66!

2 – Super Burrito wit’ sour cream, guac, and hot sauce.

Available at the La Playa Mexican restaurant just outside Fayetteville, AR.  It will last you 2 days.  They also have the 22 oz. Mexican Cokes.  Oh, Yeah! 

J-Man: Honeydew Cheese Curl Rap Snacks.

            MAGIC is on the front of the bag!

Jenny Longshot: Buffalo chicken.

            2 sweet animals rolled into one sweet food!

Lars: Hodak’s Chicken!

            Located at 2100 Gravois Road in South Saint Louis.  Check it out!  Make sure to try the Hodak’s hot sauce on the chicken.  It’s dyno-mite! 

           

Tea Bag O' the Month

Oh Dot, Dee Dot gives a pup the Bilbo Baggins

 

M.I.L.F. O' the Month

Code Name: Gong my dong

Age: 39

Photo Courtesy of www.MILFHUNTER.com

 

Rigg O' the Month

8Bit's Cadillac

Glutton O' the Month

Who wants to grill?

Mutton O' the Month

                                     

 

 

 

 

 

 

Duttons O' the Month

What a family!!!

 

Raddest Dude Alive – Issue 4

 

Lonewolf

-Writes Dudes Son-of-Obitchuary, Dudes Babes, and Dudes Baseball Trivia-

-S-Town Street Team-

-Is the Dude Responsible for Reprints of Back Issues-

-Is Always Down to Party-

-Has Shown his Younger Brother that Dudes Mag is the Only Mag-

-Always Knows a Good Time-

-Keeps Dudes Everywhere Up-to-Date on Dudes Lingo-

 

WAY TO BE WOLF!!!

 

Vag’ of Honor – Issue 4

 

            While this new section of the mag is in no way connected wit’ D.F.I.C.O.D.S., it is a slander to the particular Dude awarded the “Vag of Honor”.  This award is worse than bein’ D.F.I.C.O.D.S. in that you are not even Dudely anymore.  You have become a VAGINA!  At least is you are the D.F.I.C.O.D.S., you are still a Dude, no matter how bunk you have recently been.  Remember, it’s better to be a BUNK DUDE than a VAGINA.  Unlike the Raddest Dude Alive award, there will be no T-Shirt or the like given to whoever is named Vag of Honor.  It’s not even worth Dudes Mag’s time.

 

 

S-Squared

-Never Hangs Out Anymore, At All-

-Only Does Things Involvin’ His Girlfriend-

-Says to Give Him a Call to Hang Out, but Really Doesn’t Even Plan On It-

-Is Currently Unemployed, but Still Doesn’t Party-

-Everything is Always “Too Far”, or He “Doesn’t Really Feel Like Goin’”-

-The word DUDE is Not Even in His Vocabulary Anymore-

-Spends More Time Wipin’ His Vagina than Bein’ a Dude-

 

COME ON MAN, GET THAT TAMPON OUTTA YOUR PUSSY, GROW A PAIR, AND START BEIN’ A DUDE AGAIN ALREADY!!!

 

Glossary

 

Babes Blues – blue jeans worn by a whirleybird.

Backside, Top Shelf – Fifth Base.

Bag Tag – a game involvin’ Dudes slappin’ other Dudes in their nut sack.

Baked Chicken – Orangy.

Balloon Knot – Anal Ward.

Beat-Up – a whirleybird’s condition when she’s been ‘round ‘da block.

Big H – Hi-Fives.

Billy Goat Curse – In October of 1945, William Sianis purchased 2 tickets to the Cubs-Tigers Game 4 in Chicago. Although he and his goat, Murphy, were allowed in the boxes before, on October 6^th, an usher denied Sianis and his goat access to Wrigley Field. He stood out front of Wrigley sayin’, “They never gonna be another World Series played at Wrigley Field.”  And whattaya know, he was right.  After all these years, THANK YOU MR. SIANIS!!!

Bird Food – Blow Job.  Ask D-Bomb ‘bout this one.

Bird Shit – chick stuff.

Blackbird – Nubian Princess.

Blow-Out – fart hole in the ass-end of Dudes Boxer Shorts.

Blue Boy – “Smooth As A Mountain Stream” Busch beer.

Brown Star – The Other Vagina.

‘Burban – Dudes Chevy Suburban rigg.

Butt Bomp – Doin’ the nasty in the Anal Ward.

Butt Paper – bathroom tissue.

Cable Creek – where you’ll be if you run outta Butt Paper and have to surrender a Tubie or two to the Cable Monster.

Cardinals Cunts – Team Fredbird.                                                                                  

Case of the Biffs – a condition in which a Dude is doin’ a lot of cuttin’ the cheese.

Chicken Statutory – whirleybird that will get you tossed in The Cooler if you get your

dick wet in it.

‘Cho-‘Cho’s – Cho’s.

‘Cho’s – ballpark nachos.

Chum Nuts – talk a Dude’s ear off ‘til he can’t take no more.  Ask BUNKLEY.

Churchy – a bible-thimpin’ church-goer.  Not cool in World of Dudes.

Clean-Cuts – Douchebags.

Concrete VaCa – The Gray Bar Motel.

Condy – Dudes Air Conditioner.

Cooler O’ Fun – a cooler containin’ multiple bottles of Mad Dog and one or two Bag Wines.  The liquors must be kept on ice and broken out at a party at just the right time.  Afterwards, anyone who isn’t drunk will be.  Anyone who was already drunk, will be completely shit-faced.

County Brownies – St. Louis County Police.

Couples Night – a night out involvin’ married and/or engaged couples at a lame bar in town.  To be avoided at all costs.

Crossroads of the Universe – the intersection of Grand Boulevard and Gravois Road in South Saint Louis, Missouri.  Ask any Dude from the Lou, and they’ll agree.

Dadzimism – the religion that follows the teachings of Steve Dadzim.

Dill-Dill’s – Dillard’s department store.

Dive Deco – signs, clocks, mirrors, lights, calendars, inflatable doo-dads, or any other beer and/or sports-themed decoration within a Dudes Dive.

Double Bag It – usin’ two rubbers at the same time.  Not recommended, as the friction of two jimmy caps can cause tears and breaks which will lead to pregnancy and STiD’s.

Douche-Cool – when a Dude looks like a Douchebag, but ends up bein’ cool.

Douchette – Fouche.

Dribblers – mentally handicapped people.

Dudeliness – the particular level at which you are bein’ a Dude.

Dudely Duty – a duty of a Dude which is, in itself, Dudely.

Dudely Outings – nights on the town which are Dudely.

Dude of Excellence – Excellent Dude.

Dudes Activities – activities which are Dudely.

Dudes Carpet – gash.

Dudes Drunken Snack – a slice of meat, wit’ barbeque sauce or ketchup on it, rolled up for consumption.  2 or 3 of these after a night of boozin’ will put you to sleep real nice like.

Dudes Paradise – the ultimate Dudes Playground.

Dudes Playground – place where Dudes do what they want to and really enjoy themselves.

Dudes Playtime – playtime for Dudes, i.e. gettin’ taint deep.

Dudes ‘Sip – Dudes Gossip.  It’s kind of an oxymoron, but it’s the only way to find out what bitchin’ rad shit other Dudes are gettin’ into.

Dudes Trail Mix – a mixture of Tender Vittles that is consumed to keep a Dude from bein’ hungry.  For example: a handful of Chippers, a slice or two of cheese, a couple slices of a cold cut or two, and maybe a hunk of garlic bread.

Dudes Whites – white denim pants.  Typically worn by painters and carpenters.

Dumper – Anal Ward.

Fifth Base Shuffle – Butt Bomp.

Flunky – dumbass who serves you your food at your local Donny’s, T-Bell, or The King.

Fouche – female Douchebag.

Frosted Flakes – when a Douchebag has bleached or highlighted hair.

Frozen Waves – waves that consist of snow and ice.  They make up Dudes Slopes.

Fuck Books – skin mags.

Fuck Box – Honey Pot.

Fun Bags – boobs.

Gash Snaps – pictures of muff.

Get Your Call On – Network.

Ghetto Tumbleweed – plastic bag blowin’ down ‘da street.

Go-Go Juice – fuel for Dudes Rigg.

Griftin’ a Tree – puffin’ on Dudes Earth.

Gummies – bitches who don’t have any teeth but are willin’ to suck your cock.

Heavy Cluckin’ – Mega Squawkin’.

Hi-Beams – boobs.

Hi-Fives – HIV’S.

HIV’S – H.I.V.

Honey Pot – Pleasure Hole.

Hoosier Juice – Mountain Dew.

Hungry for Chicken – havin’ a hankorin’ for Chicken Statutory.

Jack-Down – take off your jacket.

Jack-Piece – Dudes Jacket.

Jack-Up – put on your jacket.

Jameson – Irish Whiskey.  WE RECOMMEND!

Jerk Work – jerkin’ off while you are at the Salt Mines.

Johnny Damon Look – the combination of long hair and a beard or Musty.

Jump-Start – the jerk-off that starts a Dude’s day.

Jungle Juice – a sweet, sweet alcoholic drink consistin’ of 1 and a half pounds of sugar, 15 Kool-Aid packets(pick your flavor), 2 fifths of Everclear, 1 fifth of Whiskey, and 1 fifth of Rum.  Add water to your desired taste.  Best served in a giant tub of some sort.  A ladle makes pourin’ this beverage real easy.  This recipe yields 10-12 gallons.  PARTY ON!

Ladder of Dudedom – what you must climb in order to get to the Immediate Circle of Dudes.

Line of Contemptness – the invisible line a Dude has crossed once he is found in contempt of Dudes stuff.  Word of Advice:  DON’T CROSS THIS LINE!

Love Chisel – Moose Tail.

Lush Hour – the time of the night when all the drunks rush to the liquor store in order to make a final beer run for the night before call time.

Mad Dog – 1. kick-ass wine, which is available for $2.99 in a variety of flavors.  2. Cardinals relief pitcher Steve Kline.

Make a Deposit – empty the Poo Bag.

Man Toe – Dudes Camel Toe.

Meat Sweat – the sweatin’ sensation a Dude gets when he eats too much meat.  DANG!

Metrostink – Saint Louis, Missouri mass transit device-the Metrolink.

Milk Bags – Slappies.

Moose Tail – Love Chisel.

Murface – Muff.

Mute Circle – Whisper Shoot Circle.

Nappies – Dudes Napkins.

Network – Get Your Call On.

Oat Sodas – Dudes Beers.

Orangies – Douche McDouches and Hottie McBabes who go tannin’.  After a while, they have an orange-like glow.

Orthodox Rock – rockin’ shit wit’ your right foot.

Oven-Mitt Tits – Titties that hang down in such a way that they are very flat and long, yet they curl up around the nipple.  VERY GROSS!

Party of the Year – when a Dude and a whirleybird are each havin’ a party in their pants, and they join forces. Then it becomes the Party of the Year.

P.C. – Panama City, Florida.  NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT!  KEEP THAT SHIT TO YOURSELF ASSHOLE!

P.J.’s – the Projects.  If you don’t understand, then GET THE FUCK OUT!

Pleasure Hole – Fuck Box.

Pork Sword – Love Chisel.

Prepare for Liftoff – get ready to squirt Dudes Mayo.  Be it puttin’ on a rubber, pullin’ out, or grabbin’ a couple tissues or Nappies, you’re getting’ ready for it.

Punch Your Munchkin – jack off.

Radio Crack – Radio Shack.

Rapitol – rap capitol of the world.

Riverdraft – draft which comes from a river.

Road Soda – Oat Soda for while you’re in the rigg.

Rock Box – guitar amp.

Rock Chuck – the act of tossin’ big rocks at a beer can, which is located somewhere nearby on the ground.

Sackhead – a curly-haired person.

Saint Louis Gonorrhea – Saint Louis Galleria shoppin’ mall in Richmond Heights, MO.

Sem’ – semi-boner.

Set-Up Crew – the group of Dudes who rock Set-Ups.  S-Squared is NOT in this exclusive club.

Sheet Zone – where a Dude gets taint deep.

Shit-Ton – an excessively absurd amount of anything.

Skanksylvania – Nick’s Pub, a.k.a. Dick Scrub, on a Friday or Saturday night.

Slappies – Hi-Beams.

Slurd – Slut-Bird.

Slut-Bird – a slutty whirleybird.

Smiggle-Smuggles – talks to Waller.

Smokeys – CB Trucker-Talk for police officers.

Snot Locker – Dude’s Nose.

Soccer Jizz – squirtin’ Dudes Mayo into the shower drain at the end of a Jump-Start session which occurs in the Rain Locker.

Soccer Poo – like the soccer pee, but involvin’ turds.  A Dude pulls down his drawers and lays cable right there on the ground.  See the Anchor for details.

SoCo – South Saint Louis County, Missouri.

Solid – Dudes Favor.

South O’ the Border Cable – Cable of the Mexican Food variety, a.k.a. some serious SHIT!

Southside Cocktail – a mixture of Busch beer and White Castles.  This concoction is thoroughly enjoyed on the south side of St. Louis.  Hence the name.

Spike the Punch – get taint deep. The Honey Pot is the Punch, and by puttin’ your Love Chisel in it, you are spikin’ it.

Squawkin’ – Hen Talk.

Squawk ‘n’ Talk – when a Hen gets her squawk on while she’s walkin’.

STiD’s – Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

 

Summer of Regression – the time of year when Dudes get drunk as shit, forget ‘bout responsibility, and have a bitchin’ good time.

Superbeer – giant-sized(24 oz. or more), non-light draft beer, costin’ a minimum price.

Sweaty Sem’ – a sem’ in sweaties. Not a good idea at the Tart.

Taintal Region – the area of the body in which the taint is located.

Taint Mistresses – ladies of the night, which are hungry for taint.

Take Care of Unfinished Business – get taint deep wit’ a whirleybird that you’ve gotten fresh wit’ before, but hadn’t gone all the way.

Taste of South St. Louis – Cooler Ranch Doritos, washed down wit’ Hoosier Juice.

T-Bone – 1.  a killer beef steak. 2.  when a rigg hits another rigg directly on either the driver or passenger side.

The Big House – The Gray Bar Motel.

The ‘Bury – Shrewsbury, Missouri. 8-Bit and Mr. Rin Tin Tin’s home town.  This one’s compliments of Big Time.

The Cooler – The Slammer.

The Double Nickel – Interstate 55.

The Gray Bar Motel – The Big House.

The ‘Greens – Walgreens.

The Helm – the place in the rigg where the Dude is in charge.  Behind the wheel!

The Hole – The 19^th Hole Lounge.  This sweet bar was mentioned in “Dudes Dives” in Issue 2.  It is located at 4253 Reavis Barracks Road in St. Louis, MO.  314-638-1919.

The House – Icehouse Beer.

The Hut – Pizza Hut.

The Other Vagina – Fifth Base.

The Pit – Dudes Barbeque Pit.

The Set-Up – the place where a Dude gets his stay on once he has moved back in wit’ his Rental Units.  It is located in the basement of his parents’ house and is openly visible to anyone who chooses to venture into the cellar. 

The Slammer – 1. Matt Anselm, a.k.a., Slam.  2. The Cooler.

The Sleeper – when a Dude sits on one of his hands until it falls asleep and he has no feeling in it, and then jerks-off wit’ it. 

The Stranger – The Sleeper.

Thump Explosion – a slow-motion movement in which a Dude opens up his hand and pulls it back after thumpin’ another Dude. You MUST look away from the Thump Explosion.  Also, if the explosion is red hot, which it should always be, you can finish up the explosion by shakin’ your hand back and forth and blowin’ on it.

Times of Dude – the present era in which Dudes live in.

Tinty Taintliness – the particular level at which a Tiny Taint is operatin’.

True Dudes – Dudes which are true.

Tune-Ology – the study of sweet rock.

Turface – the material that the grounds crew at the ballpark throws over the pitcher’s mound durin’ a rain delay.  This prevents the dirt from gettin’ muddy.  We can all thank WB11 Cardinals Broadcaster Bob Carpenter for this one.

Unorthodox Rock – rockin’ shit wit’ your left foot.

Used Goods – Beat-Up.

UV’s – ultraviolet rays.

Vag’ of Honor – Award(sarcasm) that a Dude gets when he has been super lame and is named Super Vag’.

Virtual Carnage – 32 to 64-bit violent, bloody death of either humans or animals.

Wake-n-Jerk – jerkin’ off before you get outta The Rack.

Wake-Off – Wake-n-Jerk.

Washers – the Dudes Sport in which Dudes toss washers back and forth into square boxes for points.  1 in the box, 3 in the cup.

Whirley Cable – a whirleybird’s cable.

Whisper Shoot Circle – shoot circle without all the shoutin’ and hollerin’ as mentioned in Issue 1 Glossary. Everything is whispered ‘cause the shoot circle is takin’ place at a Dudes parents’ house and you don’t wanna wake them up.  SHOOT!

Wing Sweat – the sweat a Dude develops on his face after noshin’ on some damn hot chicken wangs.

W.I.T. – whore in trainin’.

Work Jerk – jerkin’ off to a hen you work wit’ at the Salt Mines.

Wurped to the Durp – Jeffed-Up.

‘Zels – pretzels.

                 

Dudes Fun Facts #3 - #7 are courtesy of

www.pageaday.com 

 

Dudes Magazine would like to thank CAM Printing & Copy centers for printin' up Issues 3 and 4.  The location we prefer is located at 514 Pine in Downtown Saint Louis, Missouri.  314-241-0091

www.camprint.com

NEXT ISSUE

 

 

-Page 4 Whore-

Morty Munson Reviews Thickburgers-

-Dudes Do-It-Yourself-

-Dudes At Work-

-Dudes Stake Out-

 

WRITE DUDES MAG AT:

Dudes Magazine World Headquarters

714 Zeiss Avenue

Lemay, MO   63125

or

dudesmagazine@hotmail.com

 

 

 

 

SEE YOU DUDES NEXT TIME!!!