This is a new section to Dudes Magazine.� Basically, it will let you Dudes know what Dudes have done since the last issue was released.� It will give you updates as well on the Street Team and the Roster.� Also, you will get a couple miscellaneous bits of info.

- Big Time turned 55 on October 3, 2003.� He is now a self-proclaimed member of The Dime Club.

- Big Al moved to Missoula, Montana on January 19, 2004.� He will presume the position of Big Sky Country Street Team.

- K.V. stepped down as Eastern Midwest/Western Mideast Street Team in December of 2003 on account of her graduatin� from Indiana University and� movin� back to the Lou.

- �Dudes Mag Song� and �Dudes Theme Song� were recorded on November 16, 2003.

- Lonewolf graduated SMSU on December 19, 2003 but will continue as S-Town Street Team. Way to go Lonewolf!

- Warren Spahn died on November 24, 2003.� The Hall of Fame pitcher had 363 career wins and recorded 20 or more wins in 13 different seasons.� He was 82 years old. R.I.P.

- On December 20, 2003(first day of winter), The Anchor became known as Midwest System.� It will stay that way until March 20, 2004(first day of spring), when he will go back to bein� called The Anchor.

- Munson came out of hidin� on October 25, 2003.� J.J. also came back from the dead on September 19, 2003.� Neither Dude had been seen since January of 2003.

- Dudes Magazine World Head Quarters moved once again on December 27, 2003 on account of Nighthawk movin� back in wit� his parents.� The new address is listed on the back page of this issue.

- On January 25, 2004 at 4:30 p.m. CST(central standard time) in the Mobil located at 9371 Olive Boulevard in Olivette, Nighthawk officially quit drinkin� Dr. Pepper and moved on to his new soft drink of choice, orange soda.� Pete Henry is the only witness to this event, but we all feel that his testimony would definitely hold up in court.� A short article on why he quit Dr. Pepper is in Dudes In General.

- The Black Lips are no longer Dirty South Street Team, on account of the band owes Nighthawk $5 & they do not respond to his emails.� If these two forces can put aside these differences, then and only then, will The Black Lips be reinstated as Dirty South Street Team.

- David Fagerty is no longer Lone Star State Street Team, on account of he supposedly moved into a trailer in Austin, TX.� The problem with this is that he didn�t supply Dudes Magazine with a forwardin� address.�

- Midwest System moved back in wit� Roy & Ann on January� , 2004 on account of Paul, his roommate, is getting� hitched.� BUNK for Midwest System!

- George Clinton was arrested on December 6, 2003 in Tallahassee, Florida for possession of cocaine and paraphernalia.� The 62-year old singer was released on $2,650 bail.�

*Callin� The Anchor: Midwest System �til March 20, 2004(first day of Spring); at which point, he will once again be known as The Anchor*

S-Town - Lonewolf�� Big Al - Big Sky Country

��

The Windy - Mr. Rin Tin Tin�� Bunk City - Dr. E.W.

M*A*S*H�� SUCKS!!!!!

�� In the world of Dudes Boob Tube, there are some pretty damn good shows.� For example, and these are my personal favorites; so you don�t have to agree with them, Seinfeld and COPS.� If those two don�t strike your fancy, maybe All In The Family and The Twilight Zone or Leave It To Beaver do.� The Simpsons and Batman are also awesome and rad.� Again you don�t have to agree with me, but you do have to read this article.� It is your duty as a Dude to read every last word of this magazine, no matter what issue it is.�

�� While we have agreed that there is good programmin� on SOME channels, there is a lot of BUNK TUBE on the Idiot Box as well. Programs such as Cheers, Friends, and� Oprah are all MONDO-BUNK!� It�s inevitable, 5 SYLLABLES, that you will come across much of this bullshit while you�re channel surfin�. You can�t do anything about it.� You�re only option is to not watch television. Kdljfuio6hniofjf89ovh3n!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!jolivn 849o3ej!!!!!!!!!!!� I know; I can�t believe I just typed that.� Who in there right mind would do somethin� like that.� It�s the American Dream to slave away all day at the Salt Mines and come home to pound Heavies and watch T.V.� Anyone who thinks otherwise can answer to me and the rest of Dudes everywhere.� So back to the point of this article.� M*A*S*H is one of these horrible shows that plagues Dudes every night when that god-awful theme song, to be named later, comes on Dudes Boob Tube.� It makes you wanna run for the hills.� So here we go.� I will now explain to all Dudes who read this wonder of a publication why M*A*S*H sucks.

�� Who cares about what army surgeons did with their free time durin� the Korean War?� NO ONE CARES!� But yet, a television show was still based on that very premise.� Actually, this idea was made into a movie first.� And, believe it or not, the movie was based off of a book.� That�s right.� A book started all of this.� If it weren�t for Dr. Richard Hornberger writin� that book, none of this would of ever existed.� So on behalf of all Dudes everywhere, let me just say FUCK YOU Dr. Hornberger!!!�

The book was a fictional account of Dr. Hornberger�s years at the 8055 Mobile Army Surgical Hospital in Korea.� The movie rights to the book were bought for $100,000 by Ingo Preminger and the screenplay was written by Ring Lardner, Jr.� The film was directed by Robert Altman.� So again, on behalf of Dudes everywhere, let me just say FUCK YOU to Ingo Preminger, Ring Lardner, Jr., and Robert Altman.� Donald Sutherland hit the low point of his career when he starred as Hawkeye.� Released in 1970, the film was a big hit. Anti-Vietnam sentiment was high and this had a lot to do with the success of the movie.� Ring Lardner, Jr. won the Oscar for Best Screenplay.� WAY TO GO ACADEMY!� Like this project of shit needed any encouragement.�

�� Gettin� to the T.V. part of the story.� William Self, the president of Twentieth Century Fox, was the ASSHOLE who turned the movie into a television series.� He was the SON OF A BITCH who hired the producers, writers, and the director for the show.� The pilot episode involved Hawkeye�s plan to send his Korean house-boy, Ho-Jon, to college in America.� In order to raise money he organized a raffle.� The prize was a weekend with Lieutenant Dish.� WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT!� God Damn It, what an awful idea.� But you know what? It worked.� 251 episodes later, we�re stuck with 11 episodes worth of re-runs.� And it makes my blood boil to even think that there is someone out there who actually likes this shambles of a T.V. show.

�� M*A*S*H won 4 Directors� Guild Awards.� I don�t know what a Directors� Guild Award is either.� The show won 6 Writers� Guild Awards.� Again, I don�t have a clue what these are.� And finally, M*A*S*H won 14 EMMY Awards.� Mind bogglin�, isn�t it?� How people can think that this show was worth all of this.� I don�t understand it at all.� The only thing we can be thankful for regardin� this show is that no new episodes have been made in over 30 years.� THANK GOD FOR THAT!�

Captains, Lieutenants, Majors, Corporals, and Colonels at a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital in Korea.� WOW!� What a great show.� More like, WOW!� What a piece of shit.� Alan Alda, Gary Burghoff and Jamie Farr just to name a few of the actors who went wrong in takin� a main role in this show.� Not to mention Larry Fishburn(amazin�), Ron Howard, Shelley Long(no surprise here), Leslie Nielsen, John Ritter, P. Swayze, and Dennehy all guest starred on M*A*S*H.� Pat Morita, better known as Mr. Miyagi, played Captain Sam Pak in 2 episodes.� What were they thinkin�.� Then you add to all of this the theme song. �You know, THE WORST SONG EVER!� I don�t care what you say.� The Eagles have put out better songs than this one.� Here�s the kicker. The name of the theme song from M*A*S*H is �Suicide Is Painless�.� The hell it is.� I�ve got pictures to prove it.� I think that it�s just a little bit ironic that the theme song for this program is named

�Suicide Is Painless�.� Thank you Johnny Mandel for writin� that one.� Add him to your list of People To Kill.� You wanna know why I think that it�s ironic?� Because when I here the music or see a glimpse of the show when I�m flippin� channels, I wanna commit suicide.� And I know you do to.� And trust me, it�d be worth it after an episode of M*A*S*H.�

�� Let�s break down a couple of the characters on the show.� Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger.� Later promoted to Sergeant in case you were wonderin�.� I wasn�t, but I�m here for you.� Klinger�s character was based on the notion that he wore women�s clothes in order to get out of the army.� A likely scenario.� He also dressed as a nun, Moses, Dorothy from �The Wizard of Oz�, and Scarlet O�Hara.� In one episode, Klinger became the Statue of Liberty in preparation to greet General Douglas McArthur.� I bet he would be impressed.� In addition to dressin� in outrageous attire, Klinger attempted to pull off some stunts.� Part by part, he tried eatin� a jeep.� He once tried to escape in an inflatable rubber raft.� Durin� a heat wave he dressed in a rubber reducin� suit and fur coat.� Klinger even tried sittin� on top of a pole in freezin� weather.

�� If Klinger�s not dumb enough of a character, let�s move on to Corporal Walter O�Reilly.� This guy is better known as Radar.� Named because of his ability to know about things before they happen, Radar had a love of animals of all kinds.� At different points throughout the series, Radar had 2 rabbits named Fluffy and Bonzo, a hamster named Dopey, a mouse named Daisy, 2 guinea pigs named Babette and Babsy, and a goat named Hokie.� In addition to all of that, Radar had a tortoise, a possum, and a cockroach collection.� How corny that all is.�

�� Out of all of these chacters, at least two of the people who played them are dead.� That�s right 2 down, and 9 to go.� McLean Stevenson, who played Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake in seasons 1-3, died on February 15, 1996.� Larry Linville, who played Major Frank Burns, died on April 10, 2000.� 7 more to go.� Movin� on, there are also 13 novels involvin� characters from the show go to different cities, states, and countries to operate on patients.� They go to Maine, New Orleans, Paris, London, Morocco, Las Vegas, Hollywood, Vienna, Miami, San Francisco, Texas, Montreal, and Moscow.� And the titles are all the same, except for the place they go.� For example: M*A*S*H Goes to Maine.� How Lame!� There�s also a novel called M*A*S*H Mania and there�s even one simply called M*A*S*H.� 10 or so books have been published which are about the show.� The First 5 seasons are available on DVD and VHS. M*A*S*H � The Movie was released in 2002.�

It�s very plain to see.� The supposed phenomenon known as M*A*S*H is all around us.� We must do somethin� about it.� Whether we steal(you can�t spend hard-earned dollars on this shit) M*A*S*H merchandise and burn it in a public place like in Rock �n� Roll High School with Ramones records or we simply ignore it and not support it, somethin� has got to be done.� Let�s band together and win this fight.� Thank you for your time and pound a Heavy for me.��

By Root

�� What's up wit' all these fuckin' wannabees who think that they are old school motorcycle riders and think they are the best poker players that ever existed on the planet?� I guess what ever T.V. corporations think is cool, every douchebag thinks is cool.� Well, FUCK these posers.� They think that wearin' an Orange County Choppers

T-Shirt and hat that they bought at the fuckin' mall will get them some pussy.� I don't think so 'cause these same fucks probably lost all their money playin' some internet poker match, and can't afford to take tiny taint out on a date.�

�� Any Dudeworthy Dude either already had an old school bike, not a fuckin' Crotch Rocket, and already hung out wit' other Dudes playin' poker in a smokey basement.� So all you fuckin' yuppie fucks can go to hell wit' your $50,000 bikes and shiny playin' cards, so the real Dudes that already did this shit for years can ride douchebag-free roads and play at douchebag-free tables.�

on the Run

By L-Vis

Tonight, my livin' room's conversation found its way into shoe politics.� Kepi from the Groovie Ghoulies recently sent out an email telling his newsletter fan base that he no longer supported Converse All-Star Tennis Shoes because Nike has bought them out.� I asked Nighthawk if he'd been hip to the news.� He had read the newsletter and said that it had mentioned Reebok puttin' out a PF Flyer reissue that had more arch support and perhaps the readers might want to try them out.� Nighthawk said some shit 'bout Kepi and told me he held firm his own belief in the Chuck Taylor All-Star Tennis Shoes.� "The best support is no support!" he scowled.� He also said that now that Kepi is anti-Converse that he is anti-Kepi.� I don't know where I stand on the issue, as I have chosen other shoes to rock, but I have thought of Chuck Taylor All-Star Shoes as great footwear over the years and have owned a few pairs myself.� It is true and important to note that in Dudes Magazine Issue 1, Nighthawk and Mr. Rin Tin Tin wrote an article claimin' that you ain't a Dude if you ain't wearin' Chucks.

Now, it doesn't really come down to how you feel about Cons specifically to me--this new ownership of the All-Star Family will no doubt create many a debate in the comin' months of rock and roll--the whole thing just made me think about how shoe wear is important to the Dude in more than one way.� The fact is, if you wear your Chucks you best stand behind them all the way.� Your shoes are representin' you and if you're fixin' to be out rockin' stuff, you need to consider a few things.� As Dudes Mag Issue 2's cover story clearly covered, the Dude must but place a single foot upon an object--with the other foot firmly on the ground--to achieve rockin' it.� The issue featured numerous photos of Dudes rockin' stuff around the country.� Unless you plan to go out barefoot-rockin' all the time, do think now of your shoes.�

If by definition rockin' is the placement of the foot upon the object that is rocked, then can you not rock without rockin' your shoe?� HELL NO, ROBIN!� Your shoe is your direct link to that object, and any who you see that you rock it shall also see and take note of your shoes.� Are they suck shoes?� Do they have what it takes to carry the foot down?� I'm not sayin' which shoes are the best; there are many good shoes out there.� You just can't rock in a pair of shoes that don't add up, and if you do you might as well make public speeches in a chicken costume, buddy.� Think about those feet, and keep yourself wily and keen.

E � Even with Maddux for 7 seasons, they couldn�t win the Series.� So what should they do, get him for 2004.� Way to go morons!

G � God-awful mascot.� Look at the little cubbie bear.� Doesn�t he look cute?

H � How many years in a row does it take for a baseball team to realize that they�ll never again make it to the World Series?� Evidently, for the Chicago Cubs, 50 just ain�t enough.

J � Just because they won the division in 2003, doesn�t mean they�re ever gonna win the Series again.� 1908 was a long-ass time ago.

L � Losers.� The Chicago Cubs have always been losers and will always be losers.

M � Moises Alou is an embarrassment to his family name.� He would�ve never even caught that ball. Come on Felipe, admit it.� You wish you never had the kid.� Why did you leave the Expos?

N � Not a Billy Goat Curse, not Steve Bartman, not anything but the simple fact that the Cubs suck is keepin� them from winnin� the Series.

O � Outside Chance.� That�s an interestin� way of overstatin� the likeliness of the Cubs winnin� another Series.��

R � Really, how dumb can a team be to go out year after year and say, �This is our year.�?� It hasn�t been your year for 95 years.� Get a life!

S � Sammy Soso(not a typo) is on The Juice.� He corks his bat.� Not to mention, he is the biggest piece of shit farce of a baseball player to ever play the game.

T � The Friendly Confines my ass!!!� Wrigley Field ain�t got shit on Fenway Park.� Best park in the game, by far.

W � Wrigleyville is the dumbest name for a neighborhood ever.� I would be embarrassed to live there.� The name�s about as queer as a keg of Bud Pussy.

Squared

By Nighthawk

�� In this piece, I will name the Dudes whose first and last names both start wit� the same letter.� I will list their handle, real name, and a fun fact about each Dude.

D-Squared: Dr. E.W. is his handle.� Drew Dowling is his real name.� He has been punched by a Dude he didn�t know in 3 different countries.

J-Squared: J-Squared is his handle.� John Joern, Jr. is his real name.� He is Morty Munson�s cousin.

M-Squared: Mr. Rin Tin Tin is his handle.� Matt Martin is his real name.� He is 8Bit�s younger brother.

S-Squared: S-Squrred is his handle.� Shaun Sayer is his real name.� He gets his swerve on behind the wheel of a Toyota station wagon.�

Somebody Get Me A Doctor!

He said he'd do it, but I wasn't sure what the night had in store.� The plan, as I drove up to the nearest QT, was to purchase some fine hard liquor to return to BassAmp at the Big Bend V.F.W. Hall so that he could proceed to get himself Snot-Lockered.� A few months back the Haddonfields and the Sex Robots played with some other worthy rockers in Illinois when this character KP approached BassAmp about joining up on his band the Shaniquas for a minute.� What became clearer over time was that his whole reason for stealin' the local drummer supreme was to hash out some bad blood with an ex-bandmate who was playin' wit' BassAmp in the Haddonfields.� You kids follow?� Ah, who cares.� The point is some evil was afoot and we were finally hip to it so the plan was to get BassAmp wasted. That's how you thwart the enemy my good minded Dudes.

This was a simple mission for any professional Dude, no doubt, but a ballsy one.� Luckily the V.F.W. hall will fill you a popcorn bucket-o-beer for just a few dollars, so while my MD 20/20 didn't provide the tasty kick this Dude needed, he helped himself to more than a few 'cornbuckets' o' brew.� As the time came approachin', I snuck out the side door and flung his jacket into my rigg so that as soon as he ran out of the room we could haul some ass down the street and just disappear, just for some added comic value.� BassAmp was busy spillin' more beer than he was drinkin' at this point, so I knew he was in top form.� I remember him yellin' at KP to set up his drums for him, stumblin' about as KP agreed to only if he promised he wouldn't fuck up.� Tension was high and this kid didn't know what--if anythin'--was really comin' his way.

From the count off, I remember only a few things. The song that was supposed to be played correctly was counted off about ten times too fast, and the band quickly snowballed into a clusterfuck.� KP threw his guitar off, apologized as he kept turnin' to scowl at his drummer-gone-wrong and stormed off.� At this point, BassAmp ran up to the microphone throwin' his arms in the air yellin', "WWWWAAAIIITTT!!!!!!� WE STILL HAVE EIGHT MORE SONGS TO GO YOU FAT, BALDING FUCK!!!!!!"� Then he paused, looked around at everyone, and took off for the double doors in the back, only to spill himself on a sheet of ice and skid about ten feet.�

Since the getaway didn't go so smooth, he decided to go back inside and yell at KP right to his face. "HEY, APOLOGIZE TO THAT KID!!!"� He pointed to a random kid walkin' by.� KP turned and told the little bastard how sorry he was and the little bastard just said, "That's a real pussy move, buddy."� I remember little else of this event as it all diverges into clouds of fuckyous and fatbaldsonofabitches, but I do know that if you weren't there, ya missed the rock spectacle of the year.� Hope your next rock show is a hoot.� Later.�

Chuck Berry was the first person to be inducted into the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame.� It took place on January 23, 1986.

�� I have exclusively drank Dr. Pepper for a number of years now.� I even used to have one of the fountain variety for breakfast on the way in to the salt mines.� Naturally I would wash it down with a couple of smokes, but that�s another story entirely.� Back to the point.� I thought Dr. Pepper was great.� I figured that I�d never need to drink another kind of soda again.� This whole livin� fantasy of mine fell apart on the evenin� of January 18, 2004.� I was watchin� the Carolina Panthers man-handle the Philadelphia Eagles.� I was thoroughly enjoyin� it �cause the Eagles beat my favorite team in the NFL, the wonderful Green Bay Packers.� And even though the Panthers beat our home-town St. Louis Rams, I wanted them to win.� After the Pack loses in the playoffs, any Packers Backer knows that whomever beat them, must DIE in their next game.� And that�s just exactly what happened.� Poor little Donovan McNabb just straight up got the SHIT kicked outta him. AWESOME!� I loved every minute of it.� Except for when the second-worst commercial came on the screen.�

The first-worst commercial bein� the won with Toby Keith standin� in the bed of a Ford pick-up while he�s singin�, �I�m a Ford truck man.� That�s what I am.�� Dkljfn;nvuojilrn; kfjnoil1j13j2132!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!� AHH!!� What was Ford thinkin�?� Old man Henry Ford must be rollin� in his grave right about now.� YOW!!� Anyway, Reba McEntire and Leann Rhimes are in some ghost-town lookin� desert scene when they pull up at a fillin� station.� They�re singin� some god-awful song(not worth repeatin�) about how Dr. Pepper is so great.� STOP RIGHT THERE!!!� Right then I knew that any soft drink company whose spokes people are those two cannot and will not be my soft drink of choice.� Sure, every company�s gotta make tha� dolla�s, but those two?� Come on, I�d rather see the guy who played T.V.�s Mr. Belvedere and Chuck Norris pitchin� an ad for D.P. than those two bitches.� Not to mention, you might remember Run D.M.C. doin� a commercial for Dr. Pepper recently.� It appeared to be a tribute to the late, great Jason �Jam Master Jay� Mizell.� L.L. Cool J even helped wit� the rap.� What most Dudes don�t know is that the commercial was actually filmed before Jam Master Jay was murdered in his studio.� Dr. Pepper had to turn the original commercial into a sort of a tribute on account of Mizell�s death.� It seems to me that there�s a bit of a curse on people who do Dr. Pepper commercials.� If that�s true, I HOPE THOSE TWO BITCHES I MENTIONED EARLIER DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH!!!

So I knew I needed a new soft drink of choice.� I thought Coca-Cola.� Then I thought about what Big Time says about Coca-Cola � �Coke Is Crap.�� I agree.� So I figured, okay, what about Pepsi?� It tastes good and Britney Spears and Beyonce do commercials for it.� Great, I�ve gotta new soda. WAIT!� Not so fast wise guy!� Pepsi once had Ludacris as a spokesperson for their product. �Then that asshole Republican son-of-a-bitch Bill O�Reilly said on his radio show that Pepsi should drop Ludacris �cause he�s a rapper.� He also said that rappers have no family values.� I think O�Reilly�s the one with no family values.� Anyone who judges a person based on what they do for a livin� is a big fat obnoxious dick nibbler.� BILL O�REILLY CAN SUCK MY DICK!

�� I couldn�t drink Pepsi after all of that happened.� So I decided to go with my favorite soda from my younger years.� Orange.� Any orange soda is the drink for me.� It�s so great and tasty.� Nothin� else will suffice.� I thank all of you for readin� this article and I hope you all will say bad things about Bill O�Reilly.� Thank you and good night.�

Dudes Magazine Book Report-O-Rama

By Jenny Longshot

�� Upon my most gracious reception of Dudes Magazine - Volume 1 - Issue 2, I was both delighted and perplexed.� I was delighted 'cause I held in my hands a most excellent publication.� That was obvious enough.� There's a Dude rockin' a fuckin' pumpkin on the cover for Christ's Sake.� The Perplexed part came wit' the knowledge that if I were to enjoy this issue of Dudes Magazine to the fullest extent, I would have to go about such a task full throttle; in the most Dudely (or Dudettely, as the case may be) manner possible.�

�� So I did what any Dude would do in this situation.� I ordered a pizza and a box of wings, cracked open one of my Dad's Milliwaukee's Best 9number one Dad beer in the nation), popped in Indiana Jones:Raiders of the Lost Ark to serve as background noise, and began to tackle the task at hand.� It was near the end of the flick, at which point I realized I had to tell the world about the 59 pages of Xeroxed goodness that I held in my hands known as Dudes Magazine.� I had to successfully pen a book report, er magazine report, 'cause I told Nighthawk that I would.� It's the "Worldwide Leader In Bathroom Publications" for Fuck's Sake.� The one, the only, Dudes Magazine.

�� Who, what, where, when, and why are not questions to be asked when referrin' to Dudes Magazine; as any Dude will tell you.� The WHO are your pals, or other Dudes, and you, and anyone who enjoys drinkin' a few cold ones on a warm afternoon, or while watchin' Wayne's World even.� I mean, not even, DEFINITELY THEN, DUDE!� The WHAT and WHEN should be pretty damn obvious if you're a Dude.� If you're not a Dude, you shouldn't have even picked up this publication, so you'd better fuckin' set it right the fuck back down, ASSHOLE!� Anyway, the WHAT is rockin' shit, alleycattin', drunken fun, bad jams, Johnny Cash, and foosball.� The WHEN is 24-7.� The WHERE is everywhere. From the Lou to Canada, Dudes everywhere are to be found (if you know where to look Dude).� In every bar, rock club, arcade, or donut stand, there's a Dude, DUDE!� And if there isn't, there damn well should be.� I anticipate wit' the impendin' release of further issues of Dudes Magazine, more and more Dudes will realize it's their duty as upholders of all that is COOL to promote the Dudely way of life.� You can start at home by readin' Dudes Magazine and keepin' it on the shitter.� Maybe even while enjoyin' a fine alcoholic beverage you wanna read this mag.� Let me tell you, Dudes of all kinds, pizza and Dudes Magazine make for a fillin' meal.� Don't eat Dudes Magazine!!!

�� So I hope this has given you some idea of what Dudes magazine is all about.� And maybe if you're one of those dickweeds from before who isn't a Dude, but got ahold of this sucka anyway, you might better understand the World of Dudes.� Maybe now, your shitty shitty ways will change 'cause of Dudes Magazine you Sons of Bitches, soon enterin' a state of perfect Dudedom.

�� The Cardinals beat the Browns in six games.� It was on October 9, 1944.

-The Cardinals won the only forfeited Major Leauge baseball game of the last quarter-century.� The game at Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles was called after fans repeatedly threw their souvenir baseballs onto the field in protest of poor umpirin'.

�� Jim Bottomley(9-16-1924) & "Hard Hittin" Mark Whitten(9-07-1993).� They each scored 12 respectively.

�� Babe Ruth in 1926(Take note that the Babe didn't do that shit wearin' a Red Sox Uni).

Digs

�� This time around, we�re gonna zero in on the most important element involving Dudes Digs.� What�s most important when it comes to your digs?� Dudes Digs Upkeep of course.� In the past, we�ve mentioned the necessities for your digs.� In addition, it�s been written in this magazine how, if you don�t do it just right, your digs are just digs.� Sorry, but no Dudes Digs for you without the right Dudes Gear in your digs.� But just havin� the key gear in your digs doesn�t mean shit.� You have to place your gear correctly in order to give your digs a Dudely Appearance.� If your digs ain�t Dudely, run head on into an oncoming bus now, �cause you�re no longer a Dude.� And as we all know, nothing else matters.

�� While you want your digs Dudely, you must also keep your digs neat and clean.� �BUNK!,� you might scream out.� Fine, but believe you me, your chances of scorin� whirleybird on the hang-lo are GONE!� We all hate to clean and take out the trash, but whirleybirds don�t spread eagle in filthy digs.� Now you�re askin�, �How do I keep my digs Dudely, yet at the same time clean enough for a Hen?�� This is where Dudes Digs Upkeep comes into the picture.

Dudes Digs Upkeep

�� This piece will show you all the ways to stay a Dude while, at the same time, get you some lovin� at the Home Base.� We�ll go room by room.� Let�s get goin�.� Pay attention now.� Your Dudelyhood is on the line.�

Let�s start with the most important room in the house.� The one with the boob tube.� If you�re a Dude, this is where you spend the most time while at home.� Second to this room is the one with the bed.� But we all know, more times than none, you pass out in front of the T.V.� Your television has gotta be placed directly in front of your favorite seat in the room.� For maximum viewin� reasons of course.� After all, you�re the King of the Castle.� Also, your chairs and/or sofas & loveseats must be situated in a way so that all the Dudes can view the tube. We all wanna see what�s goin� down on the Idiot Box.� Whatever your favorite seat is, make sure that there�s enough room for the lucky lady to sit next to you.� She�s gonna wanna get close.� While you might want space, you�re gonna have to let her get close to you is you have any hopes of movin� to the bedroom. So let her get close. �And as far as your video/DVD selection goes, the ratio of Dudes Flicks to movies that you can watch with her should be 5:1. Come on, hens don�t make out to D.C. Cab.� Next, your Bad Jams should be easily heard throughout the T.V. room.� Especially well heard while playin� 8-Bit.� Your Bad Jam Library should include wax, cassette, and Disco Compacto(if applicable) selections.� Of course, you want your rockers.� These would include such recordin� artists as AC/DC, Motley Crue, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Huey Lewis And The News, Herman�s Hermits, Chuck Berry, and of course Elvis Aaron Presley.� And once again, have a couple selections for the whirleybirds.� After all, without her, it�s just another night with beer and Hustler magazines.� Some suggestions are �Teen Wolf� � Original Motion Picture Soundtrack, Music from the Television Series �Miami Vice�, and Cyndi Lauper�s �She�s So Unusual�.� Girls really do Just Want To Have Fun.� It�s a great one to spin while you�re heavy pettin� a broad.� Last, but not least, make sure to have your coffee table and end tables in good position to hold BHGN�s and provide a place for everyone to put out their Butts.

Now to the kitchen.� This, of course, is where Dudes go to get their nosh on.� Tender vittles are kept here.� BHGN�s stay frosty in the comforts of your fridge.� You want plenty of space in that fridge for your adult sodas, as well as those belongin� to other Dudes.� And also spread out what little vittles you got so the ladies don�t think you�re poor, which you are.� Remember, looks are deceivin�.� You also want your microwave close to your fridge so you don�t have to walk too far to cook dinner.� In addition, make sure your wave is not too low to the ground, but also not so high that you have to reach in order to give vittles 3.� No Dude wants to strain while cookin�.� And remember to have a table with at least 2 chairs. Not all babes enjoy eatin� in front of the tube.� As far as the sink goes, keep it clean and dish-free.� If you have dishes, clean them.� Hens don�t wanna walk into the kitchen and see a large amount of mold growin� in your basin.� And you wanna make sure to have enough dishes and glasses and utensils so when the Dudes come over, everyone can get down on some tender vittles.� Of course not havin� dishes is cool too.� Not all Dudes can handle scrubbin� plates.� Take Nighthawk for instance.� He hates doin� dishes so much that he doesn�t have any.� He eats off of paper plates and uses plastic forks and spoons.� What about cups?� Nighthawk either rocks a shortneck or a gooseneck.� Dependin� on price.�

After a good meal, a Dude is gonna have to lay cable.� So when you�re on the bowl, take a look around and see if whether or not your bathroom is up to Dudes standards.� What�s more, decide if your can is gonna be o.k. for a babe to use.� The one room in the house where Dudes shit, shower, and shave.� Not necessarily in that order.� First and foremost, you need every issue of Dudes Magazine on hand.� Especially the most recent one.� You also need some Skin Mags available.� Dudes need naked babes to Perve while they�re layin� cable.� At the same time, make sure to have soap, shampoo, and butt paper on hand.� Hens need to believe you are a clean Dude.� And they need something to wipe their box with after they tinkle.� CLEAN DUDE!� HAH!� If that�s not an oxy moron, I don�t know what is. Clean towels are also good.� �Cause after your and her take a shower together, you�re gonna need to dry off.� Tiny taints don�t wanna dry their paws off on grease-stained rags.� Air freshener is also a help in the Cable Room. Cover up the smell of cable with a clean and fresh aroma which will send any whirleybird into a state of wet.� Most importantly in the bathroom, have an extra Toof Brush on hand.� When she stays over, she�ll wanna brush her Pearlies after a night of Bumpin� Uglies.�

Hopefully, the last stop of the night is gonna be the bedroom.� Really, other Dudes shouldn�t go in your bedroom.� But just in case, have some Dudely sheets on the bed.� You know, baseball or cartoons or something.� The only other person that should ever be in your room other than you is of the fairer sex.� In preparation of getting� taint deep, have your clothes put away and your dirty drawers in a hamper. Have your sheets on the bed, but don�t go so far as to make your bed.� She might think you�re a little bit too neat, if you know what I mean.� And make sure you have 2 pillows.� She�s gonna want a pillow.� This should help you get taint deep.

�� That just about covers your basic Dudes Digs.� Now of course there are some Dudes who have more than your basic 4 room pad.� These Dudes are more commonly referred to as Privileged Dudes.� These Dudes have what�s known as an extra room.� If this describes your quarters, use this extra room for another T.V. or stereo.� Make it a game room.� Put up a dart board or assemble a foosball table.� Feel free to add an extra love seat to get fresh on and maybe a mini-fridge to store extra Heavies.� Whatever you do, make use of your extra room.� It�s a luxury.� Not all Dudes have an extra room.� It�s a privilege.

A couple extra tips for your upkeep.� Keep your trash cans emptied. Whirleybirds hate the site of garbage.� And decorate your walls with posters and collectibles of your likin�.� This shows Dudes and hens what kind of Dude you are.� And if you have a backyard or porch or deck, GODAMNIT, GET A BAR-B-QUE PIT!� Grillin� meat is sweet!� With all this in mind, get your digs in order and good luck in the Taint Department.�

Dudes Magazine is in dire need of someone to do all the computer work for future issues.� Work would consist of typin' articles, scannin' photos, and whatever else the publication feels would be necessary.� The truth is that Nighthawk currently does all the computer work, but honestly can't stand doin' it.� If you Dudes and Dudettes want Dudes Magazine to thrive and prosper, you need to seriously consider inquirin' 'bout 'dis position.

�� Dudes Magazine will pay you for your time and services.� Name your price and method of payment. Whether it's greenbacks, booze, smokes, or fireworks, Dudes Magazine will gladly pay you for your work.�

When a dude is behind the wheel of his rigg, he is in command. This must be made clear to other Dudes in the rigg as well as to other drivers on the road and pedestrians. It is not uncommon to hear other Dudes in your rigg complain about somethin'. They might want to hear different tunes or they might bitch about your drivin�. If this situation arises, you must inform the passenger Dudes to shut their pie holes because you are the Dude at the Helm. For instance, Dudes in your rigg might think you drive too recklessly, if such a thing is possible, or that you are too drunk to drive. If a Dude says this to you when you are behind the wheel tell him to nibble a dick. If he keeps insistin' that you are too crunked to drive and tells you to pull over, do so and tell the fucker to take the gym shoe express home. Surely at this point he will realize his blunder and get back in the car, because who wants to walk anyway?

As briefly mentioned above, Dudes will sometimes disagree on what tunes they want to hear at a certain moment. Some Dudes are quite forceful and will begin to switch the dial or the Disco Compacto without consultin' the Dude at the Helm. No Dude should stand for this. Immediately switch back to whatever tunes you want to rock. It is your God-given right as a Dude at the Helm. Tell the forceful Dude that he can pick the tunes when he is drivin� his rigg. If it so happens that the Dude doesn�t have a rigg, tell that bum to get some wheels because you are tired of pickin� his lazy ass up. Remember Dudes, it's your rigg and you can do what you want in it and if other Dudes don�t like it then they can drive themselves. So Dudes, remember to drive fast and take chances. Why? Because it is straight up fun!

Just like in Issue 2, this game asks whether you�ve had too much to drink or not enough.� What am I sayin�; YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH TO DRINK.� Just figure out if you�ve had your fill or if you�re not nearly done drinkin� yet.�

(DRUNK being the lowest level of intoxication and WIPED SLICK being the highest)

GONE

1. You wake up at 2:30 p.m. and you are hung-over.� After a six-pack for breakfast, you vomit on your coffee table durin� Family Feud.drunk

2. After leavin� the Hi-Pointe, �cause it closes at 1:30 a.m., you head to Rocket Bar which is open �til 3 a.m.� Upon leavin� Rocket, you decide you haven�t had enough yet and head to Dudes Playland for a sixer.� You are 13 Heavies deep at this point.� The next day, you wake up in your rigg.� You are in the parkin� lot of Buddie�s (swingers lounge).� You didn�t make it to the liquor store, and thankfully, you didn�t make it inside of Buddie�s.shit-faced

3. �Sometime around sun-up, you wake up in your rigg outside of your place.� You don�t remember goin� there, but you�ve got empty White Castle burger boxes scattered on the floorboard of your rigg.� And oh yeah, your rigg is still runnin�.crunked

4. Shortly after sunrise, a stray dog wakes you up.� You�re on your front lawn and you�ve pissed yourself.� There�s a pile of puke next to your head and you know you drove yourself home a few hours before.gone

5. You and other Dudes spend the evening in Dudes Playland.� For a night cap, you go to the boat for cheap drinks.� Somewhere along the line, you black out and don�t remember anything.� A security guard wakes you up.� Evidently, from what he tells you, you passed out face-down on the slot machine and pissed yourself.� You get thrown out and are never allowed to return again.wiped slick

8-Bit pounds a 40 OZ.

Wears

By Nighthawk

This time around, the release of the latest edition of Dudes Magazine takes place in the dead of winter.� That�s right it�s that time of the year when snow falls, the Mercury falls below zero, and Dudes are tryin� to stay warm.� Whether it�s takin� slugs of whiskey and standin� round the Barrel Fire on Dudes Slopes or it�s Foggin� Up the Windows in your rigg with a whirleybird, DUDES HAVE GOTTA STAY WARM!� What better way to do so than to dress in layers before you walk out the door.� What�s the easiest way to do this?� Sweaties and Thermies!

�� Sweaties are of course the coolest threads to rock in the winter months.� These Dudes Wears keep you warm on the inside and stylin� on the outside.� They come in a multitude of colors and sizes.� The latter bein� a great thing for hefty Dudes like Big Al and 8-Bit.� Elastic waste band and ankle cuffs keep your sweaties snug and situated at your preferred length. Pockets give you a place for your keys and your W.� At the least, try and score a pair with a back pocket so your W can sit tight.� In addition to sweatie bottoms, a sweatie top makes a nice suit for a night on the town. Realistically, you wanna have your two pieces match in color.� This way, all the whirleybird you can handle and then some will be scopin� you out all night long.� It doesn�t have to be, but a sweatie top that is hooded is great for windy weather.� All you gotta do is flip that hood up and you�re all set. Also, a zip-up sweatie hoodie gives you the luxury of gettin� it on quick for cold weather or gettin� it off quick for action in the sack.� So get out there and get your Sweaties, and you�ll be taint deep in no time.

While Sweaties are great for keepin� you warm from head to toe in the winter time, sometimes it gets just so unbearably cold that you need more warmth.� So whatta you do?� Before puttin� on your Sweaties, get your Thermies on.� Thermies trap in your body heat to the point that there�s no chance of escapin� for that heat.� Like Sweaties, Thermies come in a variety of colors.� They�re great for sleddin� and for snowball fights.� The chance of snow gettin� under Thermies is about the same as Dudes givin� up poundin� Heavies for aerobics.� Bottom Line � IT AIN�T GONNA HAPPEN!� A Thermie top is also good under a Dudes T-Shirt.� When just a T-Shirt ain�t enough, get on a Thermie under there and you�ll never regret it.�

�� When you combine Thermies with Sweaties, you�ve got it all.� You�ll never be cold and you�ll always be stylin�.� Get on your Thermies and cover �em with Sweaties, and winter will be over before you know it.� Good Night and Good Luck!

�� Dudes gotta stick together.� You gotta look out for your fellow Dude.� And they sure as Hell gotta look out for you.� It�s your duty as a Dude to make sure all Dudes are keepin� it real all the time.� This means makin� sure all Dudes are getting� their party on and talkin� �bout Dudes stuff.� Most importantly, Dudes gotta live the life.� In other words, lookin� like Dudes goes a long way.� When you�re out there on the street, you gotta make it known that you�re a Dude.� Have the right attitude and carry yourself the right way.� Be proud that you�re a Dude.� Put out the vibe.� The easiest way to do this is to make sure you have on your Dudes Wears that are most appropriate for that particular season.� If it�s winter, sweaties are the SHIT!� If it�s summer, short shorts and a Dudes T-Shirt.� Spring and fall, Dudes Members Only is the right choice.� Whatever the season, you wanna look your best.� This gives you better than average chances at getting� taint deep.

�� This brings me to the point of this article.� I know what you�re thinkin�.� It�s about time, right?� The Dudes Uniform ties all the seasons of Dudes Wears into one rad look.� Startin� wit� a dope pair of Connies, the Dudes Uni consists of a Dudes Members Only and sweaties, or sweatie shorts.� It depends on the temp.� All 3 items MUST be the same color. Whether they�re all white, black, blue, red, orange, purple, etcetera, your Dudes Uniform has gotta match.� Not to sound queer, but you wanna match.� You wanna stand out.� Remember, slits like it when it seems like Dudes can dress themselves halfway-decently.

�� The Dudes Uniform is best shown off in public with a number of other Dudes besides yourself sportin� this tight look.� When this is done, other cats on the street know what�s up.� Like a gang, you and your Dudes WILL BE FEARED.� Intimidation on the street is key.� Ain�t no mothafuckas gonna be frontin� your shit.

�� A nice way to top off the Dudes Uni is with a ball cap or stockin� hat.� Once again, this all depends on the temp.� But remember, your cap or hat MUST MATCH with the Dudes Uniform.� Also, a Musty or Fanny Pack is a great way to accessorize this fresh look.� The Dudes Uni is also great on Dudes Road Trips.� When you are Out-Of-Nellyville, you gotta rep your city.� In addition, On The Road Dudes will automatically know what�s up.� This way, you can all get your party on.� So pick a color, and get that Dudes Uniform in check.� You�ll get all fly bitches and NO ONE GONNA SAY SHIT!

BABES

The Dudes Mag Staff thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and give a rundown on some Dudely Babes that deserve some recognition from Dudes across the nation.� Here goes it brah!!

Jessica is Total Nails!!� Any Dude that says he wouldn�t get his freak on with this little Dittie has his head up his ass.� Who could ever turn down those curves and the sassy little attitude this babe possesses.� Some may think I am a creep for havin' these feelin's for a Toon, but as Jessica would say, �Don�t blame me, I was just drawn this way.�

This may be a tough sell, but hear me out on this one. Tonya is without a doubt, a Dudes Babe.� Who seriously liked Nancy Kerrigan anyway? Sure Nancy may have been a better figure skater but I think Tonya did what any reasonable piece of trailer trash would have done if they were in her situation.� You know the saying, if you can�t beat them, BEAT THEM�PHYSICALLY.� That is just what she did.� She is a true competitor.� The Olympics are fuckin� serious and if you see somethin� standin� in the way of your success, of course you have to hit that something with a fuckin� Billy club.� I give props to Tonya and respect her drive for success.� Plus, Nighthawk has that D.I.Y. porno she did and he says that it's the bomb.

Mary got it goin� on!� Not only can she sing like no other, but she got the body and face to go wit� it.� This diva is NO JOKE.� She parties too.� She used to hit the pills big time but we here at Dudes Mag assume that she dropped the pills and just sticks to weed and liquor, which is definitely Dudely in our books.� How can you hate on Mary?� Exactly. You can�t.�

(Big Time says this to you when you are in his way.� It means to move on, and to go somewhere else.)

Dudely Dude Profile

�� As Dudes, we all know that in the World of Dudes there are Dudes and then there are Dudely Dudes.� These Dudes of Honor, go beyond the Realm of Dudes and take that extra step or two to show other Dudes what it really means to be a Dude.� Whether it�s thoroughly enjoyin� their death defyin� alcohol addiction by drinkin� to the point of blackout 8 nights a week or it�s noshin� on tender vittles in such astronomical proportions that this Dudely Dude is continuously havin� to purchase new Dudes Wears because his gut won�t quit expandin�, these Dudely Dudes make other Dudes proud.� In this new article of Dudes Magazine, we will spotlight a particular Dudely Dude.� Dudes Mag readers will be able to further understand what each particular Dudely Dude is all about and what great lengths they go to in order to make us proud as Dudes.�

�� For the inaugural edition of Dudely Dude Profile, we will take a look at one Matthew Lesko.� If you are not already familiar with Mr. Lesko, you will be soon.� He is the Dude you see on Dudes Boob Tube late at night sportin� a suit covered with neon question marks.� That�s right, these things - ?� He also rocks a pair of Dudes Cheaters, each time a different color and a zany bow tie.� He swerves a Lexus with yellow polka dots.� His infomercial has him hoppin� up and down and lungin� and the camera while he tells viewers how to score greenbacks from D.C. Fat Cats in order to start your own business or travel overseas.� He�s been doin� it for years and now wants all Dudes to get in on the action.� Let�s take a look.

Matthew Lesko

�� The U.S. Government has shitloads of money.� You don�t.� That�s the bottom line.� You need the money to do all the things you wanna do.� �Cause let�s face it, nothin� comes free outside of tiny taint and snowball fights.� Do you want $10,000 or $100,000?� Of course, you want $100,000!� All Dudes take what they can get and Matthew Lesko is the Dude for the job.� He will get you the cash to pay off bills or open a record store so you can send the message of Bad Jams across all of the World of Dudes.

�� Twenty years ago, Matthew Lesko worked out of his bedroom with one phone line so he could help fortune 500 companies score the 4-1-1 on commodities.� But you know what?� This Dudely Dude got bored out of his gourd.� He wanted to move on.� So he did.� Today, he is a best-sellin� author and he appears on network television on a regular basis.� He also makes appearances on just about every newscast in the top 100 markets in this country.� He has been on Larry King Live, good Morning America, Letterman, and The Today Show.�

�� Havin� published over 70 books about getting� free services and products from the federal government and been given the �Best Reference Book of the Year� award from the American Library Association, Lesko knows what he�s doin�.� He has had two New York Times best-sellers and two national best sellers.� He has also written syndicated consumer columns for Good Housekeeping, The New York Times, and The Chicago Tribune.� His company, Information USA, publishes massive reference books and popular consumer books.

�� When he�s not on the road, this Dudely Dude chills in Kensington, Maryland with his wife Wendy.� He actually grew up in Wilkes Barre, PA.� He received his undergraduate degree from Marquette University in Milwaukee, and then went to Viet Nam as a navigator for the U.S. Navy.� Afterwards, he earned a master�s degree in computer science from American University in Washington D.C. He then started his first business as a management consultant helpin� Fortune 500 companies uncover info.� Then he had an idea � why not help out everyday Dudes instead of just helpin� out CEO�s.� His first book Getting Yours was a national best seller and today, he publishes six or more books each year.

Matthew Lesko has books available tellin� you how to swim your way to Government grants as well as videos and his course is even available on audio cassettes and CD�s.� So you can even find out how to get your greenbacks while Gettin� Your Swerve On or while you�re Rockin� the Bit.�� This Dudely Dude has informed to the World of Dudes that the Government gives away $350 billion in free government money and grants each year.� If you�re not getting� your share, check out Lesko�s course and YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE!�

�� Let�s take a look at a couple of Lesko�s success stories.� John Sennett was a bar manager in Virginia who received over $25,000 to go back to school and is now marketing director for a hot internet company. Raymond Whitfield is a 68 year-old Dude in Washington, D.C. who received over $20,000 from the government to get a Master�s Degree in vocational rehabilitation.� So you see, you can do the same thing.� Go for it.

�� And now let�s take see what the press says about Matthew Lesko and his books.�

-�Matthew Lesko has dedicated his life to the motto: The best things in life are free.�� CNN News

-�Lesko is a purveyor of government information.�� Minneapolis Star Tribune

-�Lesko�s 1136 page telephone book-size guide lists 15,000 sources for $350 billion in government cash.�� The Tampa Tribune

Matthew Lesko�s books are a No Risk, 90 Day Guarantee.� For more information, surf the net and drop anchor at www.Matthew Lesko.com

By The Cable Monster

�� What�s up Dudes? It�s The Cable Monster comin� to you Dudes live from Cable Country.� That�s right!� Get up off your bare ass!� Look down!� I�m in The Bowl!� So sit back and relax.� I�m here to give you Dudes sumfin� to read and enjoy while you�re layin� cable.

�� Let me just start off by sayin� that outside of poundin� gash and poundin� Heavies, layin� cable is the most enjoyable thing a Dude can do.� Just ask Big Al.� He loves layin� cable so much that he takes a 4 instead of a 2.� All Dudes would agree, layin� cable is the most relaxin� and gratifyin� thing in a Dude�s life after scorin� a Hummer from a whirleybird.� Both activities involve Doin� Jack Shit; which is Shooter Sweet!

�� Now, I�ve seen a Helluvalotta good Cables in my day.� Everything from snakes to logs to Intermittent Cable.� But of course, the all-time classic dump is the Toll On The Bowl.� This happens when the Dude layin� cable is on the bowl for a good 5-10 minutes and nothin�s happenin�.� I don� see nothin�, but I sure do hear sumfin�.� I�m talkin� �bout agonizin� moans and groans, and especially, �DUDE, I�m GONNA BE LATE FOR THE SALT MINES!�� Then, all of a sudden, the unthinkable happens.� My porcelain home is covered in the brown stuff, and I�m swimmin� for my life.� All the Dude can manage to say is, �I�M GONNA MAKE IT TO WORK ON TIME!�

�� Just when the Dude thinks he�s gonna get off Scott-Free, he yells out, �OH CRAP, NO BUTT-PAPER!�� I can�t help but laugh at the poor Son-Of-A-Bitch �cause I�m hungry and it�s Tubie Time!� I haven�t been fed in easily 2 or 3 days and it looks like this is the day I�ve been waitin� for.� First, one tubie is lost, then two.� The Dude thinks it�s almost over, but it ain�t even close.� Twenty minutes and three more tubies later, the Tubie War is over.� After a total of five tubies, BURP!, I�ve gotten the best of this one.� And what�s more, it turns out that the Dude ends up bein� late for work!

�� That�ll be all for this edition of Cable Tales.� Don�t sweat it.� Next time, Bud-Mud is the topic of conversation.� So keep your hands on Dudes Mag, your ass on The Bowl, and your Cons on the floor.� Oh, and keep those tubies comin�.

Jaunts

By Mr. Rin Tin Tin

In the middle of January, I was asked by Styx (not the sweet band, the Dude, a.k.a. the Panther) to take a trip up to Beer City, Wisconsin for a weekend of partyin� down. At first, I thought I might be a little thin in the W to make the jaunt up to Milwaukee but when the weekend rolled around, I changed my mind. So on Friday evenin� I went to pick up Styx and his lady Squeaks. I know that some of you Dudes might question why a hen came along, but I assure you that she is down to party (and play tonsil hockey with the Stick bandit).

The drive from the Windy to Beer City is just a hop, skip, and a jump and only took about an hour and a half. On the way to Beer City on I-94, there are some sweet sights and attractions just off the interstate, such as the Bong Recreation Area (WOAH!) and the Mars Cheese Castle to name a few. Unfortunately for us, the Mars Cheese Castle was closed and we were unable to score some tasty dairy products (that night).

We pulled up to our boys Krame-Dogg and Word�s pad near Marquette at about 9 p.m. and immediately started gettin� loose. We fired up some Dudes Earth and started workin� on some 30 packs. After we drank all the beer at their crib, we decided to hit up some parties. The parties we went to, however, were bunk. They were mad crowded with frosh and the like and it was impossible to score a brew from the tin man. After a few minutes we all unanimously decided to make like a big red ball and bounce to a local waterin� hole. We went to a sweet dive bar that had a felt table and ample seatin'. We stayed there for the remainder of the night and got mad crunked. Styx and his lady were especially lit and could not stop smoochin� it up. The P.D.A. just would not stop and Krame-Dogg was forced to tell Styx to tone it down a notch. That night I went back to Crowe�s pad where we ate a pepperoni pie and passed out, quite snuggly, watchin� The Big Lebowski.

The next day we got up at about 1 p.m. or so and decided to hit up a couple of brewery tours. First, we hit up the Lakefront Brewery which cost 5 dollars, but entitled you to three beers at the bar. We, however, decided to skip the actual tour, which is optional, and just drink. After we finished up our beers we headed over to the Miller Brewery. At Miller, unfortunately, we had to go through the tour before gettin� the beers, but at least it was free. The actual tour was okay, we spiced it up, however, by fuckin� with the tour guides and in general, bein' rowdy. Eventually we got to go to the bar for our free three bars and to write some post cards which were provided by Miller, who also paid the postage. At this point everyone wanted to vittle up, so we decided to hit up the steak buffet at the Potawotamee Casino. Though the line was long and we were twenty to thirty years younger than everyone else, it was definitely worth the wait. We all gorged ourselves until we were barely able move, it was a struggle to get up, and then went down to the gamin� floor. We wanted to hit up the tables but they were all jammed so we rocked some slots and video poker. After we all blew some money, except for Squeaks, we headed back to the crib and proceeded to do the same thing as the night before. There was some disappointment with the night, however, 'cause Krame-Dogg�s plan to give some douchebag who was throwin� a party a triple-Upper Decker, which would have been especially easy after the buffet, fell through on account of drunkenness. The final spice came late at night when Krame-Dogg and Word�s roommate DuBourg, who slipped on some ice, came in all drunk with a busted chin. He insisted that it was cool, but a sober party-goer disagreed and eventually talked him into goin� to the hospital.�

�The next day we once again got up late and decided to hit up Real Chili, a sweet chili spot nearby. After we vittled up, we watched a little football and then decided to head back to the windy. Overall, it was a choice weekend of partyin� complete with a lot of talk about Tibbs (see Dudes Picks) and sweet Murphy Lee jams. Also on this jaunt I learned of a new technique to dissolve foam in your brew, known as Beer Nuts or the Double Dip. To do the Double Dip, simply pull out your sack and dip it into your beer. Though Word said that it �feels weird� and �tingles�, it is worth it 'cause it instantly dissolves the foam �like magic�. This jaunt resulted in a true Dudes Weekend to which I owe props to Krame-Dogg, Word, Crowe, and pals. CALL ME TIBBS!

Rekkids

By L-Vis

I got five on the press this issue, spannin' the decades to bring you some bad jams for the modern Dude.� If you got a band and you wanna be reviewed here, send me your shit and I will write you up.�

Thin Lizzy - Jailbreak

Alright.� If you've never heard "The Boys are Back in Town," you've been livin' some wrong kinda life for the past three decades.� Hell, I shouldn't even have to review this beauty.� Consider this your reminder: if you ain't rockin' the Lizzy, your whirleybird ain't gonna get dizzy.� Put it on and turn the shit up out of it.� The warm weather's fast approachin' and you need to show your rigg's stereo some love.

The Replacements - All For Nothing/Nothing For All

Two-disc career spannin' retrospective, and they cover "Cruella DeVille" from 101 Dalmations.� This band = rock and roll. Blame it on Bob Stinson's druggin', Westerberg's dirty Dudes Blues, or simply 'cause no one ever knew where the fuck Tommy was; it all comes down to the rock.� "Beer for Breakfast", "All He Wants to Do is Fish", and "Left of the Dial" all provide the satisfaction ya just might need.

Self - Gizmodgery

One of the more random rekkids I've come to own, and one I gotta spread some word about.� This is the third album from Self, which is basically the work of one madman with a lil' help from his bro, but the catch with this one is it's done entirely on toys.� No real Geetars, no big-ass drum kits�nothing but a huge long list of toys and some hilariously bad-ass vocal work.�� The jam on this to check out is "Trunk Fulla Amps".

The Detroit Cobras - Life, Love and Leaving

One of the best party discs on the rack, brought with love from Sympathy for the Record Industry.� This is just a bunch of old Motown covers done by a big loud rock 'n' roll band; we're talkin' Otis Redding and Ronnie Mack all amped up and bashed out.� If you plan to be hittin' that fine wine or whiskey, you need to fill the air around you wit' the right ingredients.� Think of your party as a big ol' pot-o-soup, and respect that shit.

The Phonocaptors - Futura Phono

Who taught these boys how to hit so damn hard?� I've seen 'em, I've jammed 'em in the rigg, I've got drunked up with 'em, and I can't get enough of 'em.� You can find this around the town o' St. Louis on compact disc and I advise you keep yo' eyes peeled for it, 'cause it pops up here n there.

�It's got a song called "You Suck" and a song called "You Blow" and says PLAY LOUD!!!!!! (that's six exclamation marks) right there on the inside.� They're a three-piece rock band just lookin' for a little dirty fun. They're also Peat Henry approved.

What Would You do, Dude?

By Mr. Rin Tin

1. You hear about some Dudes goin� up to the local waterin� hole to pound some Heavies and chill, but you have to get up early to go to the salt mines�

2. After you show up late for work the next day reakin' of boos, your boss starts givin� you guff and won�t get off your case�

5. After a few weeks of bein' unemployed, you realize that you have nearly drank all your greenbacks away and that you will soon be completely strapped and not have enough money for rent�

�� C. Drink the rest of your money away and mooch off your�� rental units or just move in wit' them

Give yourself 3 points for each A answer, 2 points for each B answer, and 1 point for each C answer. If your total is 5, you made all the right dudely moves. If you scored 6 or 7 you may still have a glimmer of hope of being a dude someday. If you scored 8 or above put down the magazine and punch yourself in the face. YOU ARE A BAG!

Outdoors

By Root

�� In this installment of Dudes Outdoors, I am goin' to cover the Dudeworthy television station, the Outdoor Channel, just two clicks up from the Outdoor Life Channel, also Dudeworthy, but not as much as the Outdoor Channel.� Any Dude wantin' to see some game taken by almost any means imaginable, learn about some serious 4x4 action, or see some fish bein' pulled from untreated Dudes Water can view these 2 channels at any hour of the day and get their fix.� But the Outdoor Channel offers somethin' more.� Three shows dedicated to modern day gold prospectin'.� That's right, I said Gold Prospectin'.� Any average Dude might think that gold prospectin' is somethin' that happened back around the 1800's when some Dudes explored west and struck it rich as well as screwin' the natives.� Well if you have watched as much gold prospectin' shows as I have, only about 5-20% of the gold has been extracted out of the earth.� This makes a Dude want to grab a number 2 shovel and a pie pan and start siftin' threw some material.�

�� The three shows, all run by the same family, the Massie family, are called 'Gold Fever', 'Gold Prospecting', and 'Prospecting America'.� Tom "Buzzard' Massie, the founder of the Outdoor Channel, hosts 'Gold Fever' along wit' his two sons, Tom and Perry.� Perry, who openly takes shots of moonshine, founded the show 'Prospecting America'.� The show 'Gold Prospecting' may be hosted by any of the three, dependin' on the year filmed. The "Buzzard" has passed away, and now spends his time in the peaceful reaches of Alaska, where most of his exploitation took place.� All three shows cover the same methods, but my favorite is 'Gold Fever'.

�� 'Gold Fever' starts off wit' a great tune about prospectin' and usuall is hosted by the "Buzzard".� Methods such as dredgin' the shit out of pristine streams, high bankin' on highly eroded slopes, and runnin' a slouth box are demonstrated.� Usually after hours of work the outcome is some "flour gold", about enough to make you want to totally quit this stupid hobby.� Sometimes you will find some nuggets if you totally devert a whole stream or make a small fishin' hole into a twenty foot-deep disaster site.� But this is only done when the fish are not spawnin', so it's ok, 'cause when a big rain comes along, it will look like nobody was even there.�

�� The highlight of the show is when the "Buzzard" gets pissed at people wantin' to ban prospectin'.� He says yuppies drivin' Porsche 911's and bein' your average mass consumin' Americans feel sorry for their lifestyles and then want to save the environment to make them feel like they are doin' somethin' for the world.� Well, the "Buzzard" is a true hard workin' dude that quit his union electrician job and now makes his way prospectin' and will not tolerate the closin' of public land to these sorts of activities.� So he wants you to join the Gold Prospecting Association of America, GPAA, and help support your land rights. With a little bit of propaganda, he gets his point across.� Basically, SCREW YUPPY FUCKS!� I'm wit' him.� This Dude is just tryin' to make a livin' and is havin' fun doin' it, somethin' every Dude strives for even if everybody does not agree.

�� If you get the fever, you can prospect in many states.� Missouri is not one of them, so residents of the Show-Me State can get on E-Bay and order a gold pan and some concentrates and prospect in your own livin' room while you watch 'Gold Fever'.� The closest place to Nellyville that you can prospect is the Natural State, Arkansas.� In the Ouchitaw Mountains, you can get your prospect on.� Some hot spots are North Carolina, Arizona, California, and the great expanses of Alaska.� Cripple River Creek, a gold prospectin' camp in Alaska run by the Massies, is a good place to get started.�� Well, you might be thinkin' this is somethin' you will never do, but once you get the fever , you will find yourself wit' a pick axe, a gold pan, and a huge R.V. travelin' across America lookin' for nuggets.� Or you will become a drunk livin' in a shack up in the woods wit' a heavy supply of artillery, guardin' your two nuggets that you found over the past ten years. One of the two.� If you think this is for you, then tune into the Outdoor Channel and learn some sure-fire prospectin' methods.� I hope all of you will tune in and see how Dudes spend their time in the outdoors.� Help support your land rights so we can still get Fresh Kill and hopefully find a nugget or two.�� ROOT��

�� In the World of Dudes, there are Dudes and then there are DUDES.� The latter refers to great Dudes.� Dudes who do really cool shit while they�re alive fall into this category.� Dudes who really make use of their time on this planet.� Whether these Dudes are rockers, fighters, criminals, or just straight up Cool Dudes, they all are some of the coolest Dudes ever.� In this cover story, I will give you a run-down of what I believe are 10 of the all-time coolest Dudes ever.� You don�t have to agree wit� me on any of �em �cause everyone�s entitled to their own opinion, but I know you will.� Remember, this isn�t the top 10 of all Dudes.� This is just 10 of the many cool Dudes to ever roam this planet.�

�� The infamous Clyde Chesnut Barrow was born just outside Telico Texas, the son of Henry Barrow.� When Clyde was 13, his family moved to Dallas.� When he was 17, he was arrested for stealin� a rigg.� Way to go Clyde!� In 1930, Mr. Barrow met Bonnie Parker.� Shortly after, he was jailed in Waco on charges of burglary.� He escaped wit� Bonnie�s help, and he fled north where he was later captured in Middletown, Ohio.� Not willin� to live out his 14-year sentence of hard labor, Clyde had another inmate chop off two of his toes on his right foot wit� an axe.

Released in 1932, Barrow reunited wit� Bonnie and the two began a series of violent holdups in the Southwest and Midwest.� After a number of murders, includin� several law officers, the two were permanently on the run from the law.� In 1934, they freed their former accomplice Raymond Hamilton and another prisoner, Henry Methvin from the Eastern State Prison in Texas.� After another robbery rampage, this time in Indiana, FBI special agent L.A. Kindell tracked down the Barrow gang at Methvin�s father�s farm near Arcadia, LA.� On May 24, 1933, Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker were killed in a barrage of 167 bullets in the roadside ambush.� The bodies were put on public display before bein� buried in their respective family burial plots.

�� One of 13 children, Mr. Daniel was raised by a family friend before bein� hired out to work wit� the Dan Call family at the age of 7.� Call was a Lutheran minister who owned a whiskey still on the Louse River. In 1863, Call sold his still to Jack.� He was only 13.� His distillery was registered in 1866.� This Dude was the first to do this.� It is now the nation�s oldest distillery.� In 1904, Mr. Daniel entered his Old No. 7 Tennessee sippin� whiskey at the World�s Fair in Saint Louis(whoop whoop).� Out of the 20 whiskeys from around the world, his was the only one awarded the World�s Fair Gold Medal.�

In 1905, Jack Daniel arrived at work early one mornin� and tried to open the safe in his office.� He couldn�t remember the combination and so he kicked it in anger.� This action broke his toe.� An infection set in.� He eventually died from blood poisonin� in 1911. Jack never married or had children.� He deeded his distillery to his hard-workin� nephew, Lem Motlow, who oversaw the distillery through Prohibition.

�� This Dude was the most famous American bank robber of the 20^th century.� His career lasted only from June of 1933 to July of 1934, but he gained notoriety as the nation�s most wanted criminal.� He was PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER 1.� Totally rad!� From Indianapolis, Dillinger joined the U.S. Navy in 1923.� Within a few months, he deserted, and came back to Indiana.� He was caught robbin� a store in Mooresville on September 6, 1924.� Spendin� time in Indiana prisons until 1933, John Dillinger became a hardened criminal.

Nighthawk re-enacts Dillinger 's death in the very alley where the FBI gunned him down

Upon parole in May 1933, he formed a bank robbin� gang.� After pullin� off robberies in several states, Dillinger was arrested in Arizona, and returned to an Indiana prison.� On March 3, 1934, he escaped and continued wit� his bank robberies.� The FBI finally caught up wit� him on July 22, 1934 in Chicago.� Anna Sage, the so-called lady in red, lured Dillinger to the Biograph Theater.� After the picture let out, agents gunned him down in a nearby alley.

�� Born Douglas Colvin in Fort Lee Virginia, Dee Dee was the Ramones.� From 1974 to 1989, this Dude played bass for the grandfathers of punk rock.� He wrote nearly all the hits, and continued to do so even after quittin� the band in 1989.� The songs he wrote were real.� He lived the life that most people just talk about.� The drugs, the booze, the fightin�, and the bitches.� Definitely a Cool Dude.� After quittin� the Ramones, he started a rap career.� As Dee Dee King, he released two rap records.� He played wit� the likes of Johnny Thunders, Stiv Bator, and GG Allin.� What A Dude Dee Dee was. He wrote two books and appeared in 5 movies. �In L.A., Dee Dee overdosed on heroin and died in his home on June 5, 2002.� Once a junkie, always a junkie. R.I.P.

�� Aside from bein� one of the greatest guitar players ever, this Dude was an entertainer.� People dug that from the St. Louisan.� He also was a big factor in bringin� together the whites and the blacks wit� his rock n roll music.� His idol was Nat King Cole.� Songs like �Johnny B. Goode� and �Maybellene� became anthems to his young, integrated American crowd. Called the �Eternal Teenager,� Chuck Berry was the first person inducted into the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. Definitely sweet.

�� Coolest shoes ever made were made possible by this Dude.� Mr. Taylor was from Indiana, like Dillinger, and was a basketball player well before he became a master shoe salesman.� In 1908, Marquis M. Converse started the �Converse Rubber Company.�� In 1917, Converse brought out a shoe very much like today�s �All Star.�� Chuck Taylor was hired by Converse in 1921 from the Akron Firestones basketball team.� He conducted basketball clinics for Converse.� In 1923, Chuck got his signature on the basketball shoe now associated wit� his name.� In 1958, Mr. Taylor was inducted into the National Sporting Goods Hall of Fame.� He was inducted into the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame in 1968.� Both are great honors.� Sadly, it all cam to an end for Chuck in 1969.� He passed away durin� a time period in which some might say his shoe reached the height of its popularity.� I say, �BULLSHIT!�� The Chuck Taylor shoe is still tight and dope.

Johnny Cash

�� Best country singer of all time in my opinion.� This new generation of "country" singers ain't got shit on J.C.� He sang 'bout real shit.� He lived his songs.� They were 100% authentic.� He recorded more than 1,500 songs and 45 of his albums are still in print today.� That's more than most artists ever make.� He had 48 singles on the Billboard Hot 100 Pop charts.� That number is about the same as the Rolling Stones and the Beach Boys.� WOWZERS!!!� He won 11 Grammy awards and in 1969 was outsellin' the Beatles.� Eat shit England!!!�

�� His 1975 autobiography Man in Black has sold around 1.5 million copies so far.� He was honored wit' a Kennedy Center Award in December of 1996.� That's top-notch shit.� The man also starred in many films and appeared in a number of T.V. shows.� It's amazin' that Sun Records was responsible for him and Elvis and Jerry Lee Lewis.� WOW!!!

�� Born in Tupelo, Mississippi in a two-room house, Elvis was the one who made it.� His twin brother, Jessie, was stillborn.� In 1948, he and his family moved north to Memphis.� He graduated from Humes High School in 1953.� In 1954, this Dude began his career wit' Sun Records in Memphis.� A year later, his recordin' contract was sold to RCA Victor.� By 1956, the King was the hottest thing around since sliced bread.�

�� Overall, he starred in 33 films.� He has sold over 1 billion records worldwide.� Nominated for 14 Grammy awards, Elvis won 3 times. In addition to all 'dis shit, the King served in the U.S. Army.� After becomin' fat and gross upon doin' Vegas gigs, Elvis supposedly died on the toilet at Graceland on August 16, 1977.� What a way to go!

General George Armstrong Custer

�� One tight and dope-ass Dude!� George Custer graduated from West Point in 1861.� Immediately, he participated in the First Battle of Manassas.� In 1863, he was appointed the "Brevet" rank of Brigadier General of Volunteers.� In April of 1865, he was promoted to Major General of Volunteers.� After the Civil War, Custer required to fall back to his previous permanent rank of Captain 'cause the need for command officers was no longer there.� This is why he was always referred to as "General Custer".

�� Throughout the 1860's, Custer and was a key player in the on-goin' battle between the Plains Indians and the U.S. Army.� In 1874, the Army allowed gold prospectors to come into the Great Sioux Reservation's hills by the thousands.� This prompted many Sioux to leave North Dakota and join wit' other Sioux in Montana led by Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse.� In 1875, the regiment escorted a railroad survey party into the Yellowstone Valley.� On May 17, 1876, General Alfred H. Terry was in command of a campaign to relocate the Sioux and Cheyenne Indians from the plains to reservations.� The 7^th Regiment rode out of Fort Lincoln with Custer and the Arikara and Osage scouts leadin' the way.�

�� The intent was to trap the Indians between Custer an Major general John Gibbon in the Little Big Horn Valley.� Movin' south for several days, Custer and around 700 soldiers identified Indian camp signs along the way.� On June 23, Custer made visual contact wit' the Indians.� He then ordered the column to turn west toward the Little Big Horn Valley.� The next day, the scouts identified a party of Sioux followin' them.� It was at this point that Custer outlined the plan for the next day.�

�� On June 25, 1876, Custer split his command into 3 battalions while travelin' up Rosebud Creek.� Within a short amount of time, Custer and his troops were annihilated by the full might of and estimated 5,000 Sioux Indians who were led by Chief Sitting Bull and Chief Crazy Horse.� This attack would later be known as Custer's Last Stand.� Five members of the Custer family were killed at the Battle of the Little Big Horn.� The general, his brother Captain tom Custer, brother-in-law captain James Calhoun, younger brother Boston, and nephew Autie Reed.� Boston and Autie were civilians. General George Custer definitely did some Dudely shit that day!

Al Capone

�� The most famous gangster America has ever seen. Capone is also the single greatest symbol of the collapse of law and order in the U.S. durin' the 1920's Prohibition era.� Capone had a lot to do wit' Chicago's reputation as a lawless city.� Born in Brooklyn, Al Capone was a member of two gangs as a kid, the Brooklyn Rippers and the Forty Thieves Juniors.� He quit school in the 6^th grade at the age of fourteen. He became part of the notorious Five Points gang in Manhattan and worked in gangster Frankie Yale's Brooklyn dive, the Harvard Inn, as a bouncer and bartender.� This is where he received his facial scars and the resultin' nickname "Scarface".� He insulted a patron and was attacked by her brother.

�� In 1918, he met his wife.� And on December 4, 1918, Mary "Mae" Coughlin gave birth to their son, Albert "Sonny" Francis.� Mary and Al also married later that same year on December 30. �His first arrest was on a disorderly conduct charge while he was workin' for Yale. In addition to that, Al Capone murdered two men while in New York.� Like your typical gangsters, no one admitted to hearin' or seein' a thing.� Capone was never tried for the murders.� Yale sent him to Chicago until things cooled off.�

Al capone arrived in Chicago in 1919, and he moved his family into a house at 7244 South Prairie Avenue.� He went to work for Yale's old mentor, John Torrio.� Capone was soon after helpin' Torrio manage his bootleggin' business.� By 1922, Capone ranked as Torrio's number two man.� He became a full partner in the saloons, gamblin' houses, and brothels.� GOOD WORK DUDE!�

The most notorious killin' that Al Capone was behind was the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.� On February 14, 1929, four of his men entered a garage at 2122 N. Clark Street.� The buildin' was the main liquor headquarters of bootlegger George "Bugs" Moran's North Side Gang.� Two of the four men were dressed as police.� The seven men inside thought it was a raid.� They dropped their guns and put their hands on the wall.� Capone's men fired more than 150 bullets into the other men usin' 2 shotguns and 2 machine guns.� Capone had an alibi.� He was at his Florida estate which he purchased a year earlier.� �

�� Although Capone ordered dozens of deaths and even killed wit' his own hands, he usually treated others fairly and generously.� He was the first to open a soup kitchen after the 1929 stock market crash.� The needy received clothes and food at Capone's expense.� In May of that year, he served his first prison time for carryin' a gun.� In 1930, Al Capone was at his peak of power.� He was Chicago's "Public Enemy Number One".� In 1931, he was indicted for tax evasion for the years 1925-1929.� He was found guilty on 5 of the 23 counts.� He was sentenced to 10 years in federal prison and to 1 year at the county jail.

In May of 1932, he was sent to Atlanta.� It was the toughest of the federal prisons at the time.� He had special privileges such as a mirror, typewriter, rugs, and a set of the Encyclopedia Britannica.� Word of this spread, and Al was sent to Alcatraz.� It was there that he had no knowledge of the outside world.� He could no longer control anyone or anything.� On January 6, 1939, his prison term was up and he was transferred to Terminal Island, a Federal Correctional Institution in California.� He was there to serve his one-year misdemeanor sentence.� On November 16, 1939, he was released.� His fines and court costs totaled an amount of $37,617.51.�

�� He returned to his estate in Palm Island, FL.� On January 21, 1947, Al Capone had an apolectic stroke.� Probably unrelated to his syphilis, the stroke knocked him down, but he got back up.� He regained consciousness and was improvin' until pneumonia set in on January 24.� He died the next day from cardiac arrest.� He was first buried in Mount Olivet Cemetery in Chicago's far South Side between the graves of his father, Gabriele, and brother, Frank.� In March of 1950, the remains of all three were moved to Mount Carmel Cemetery on Chicago's far West Side.� Al Capone was definitely a Dude among Dudes.

Bet wit' Dr. E.W. and Fat Fat regardin' whether or not Fat Fat's little brother Dan will be on the All-American soccer team within 2 years.

So here we are at Dudes 8-Bit review #3.� There are so many titles left to review.� Who knows if there will ever be enough time to review them all.� But rest assured Dudes and Dudettes, I will waste as much time as possible playin� those 8-Bit titles from yesteryear that we all love, and review them for you so all of you do not have to be as much of a loser as I am.�

�� Since the football season is over and baseball is still a while away, the only sport on the idiot box to watch is hockey.� The NBA can lick my bag.� Sorry, Keef.� To fill this void, I thought that I would review some sports titles in general for the NES.

�� Tecmo Bowl: Without a doubt, one of the best football games ever made.� Granted, the game play is a little simplistic, but you don�t have to worry about any bullshit penalty calls except for off-sides. Here�s a little tip from 8-Bit: If you want to be successful at Tecmo Bowl, pick Chicago to be your squad.� I know it sounds crazy, especially comin� from a Dude in Nellyville, but take a look at their roster.� The defensive giant Mike Singletary, Walter Payton comin� out of the backfield, and Dennis Gentry returnin� kicks.� No matter what, Chicago will be a contender.

Mike Tyson�s Punch-Out!!: One of the few beefs I have with the Nintendo Corporation is how little support they showed Mike Tyson in his darkest hour.� So what if the man is a ravin� lunatic, and that yes he did sexually assault a woman, but that skank should have seen it comin�.� Iron Mike is a man that gets what he wants!� So Mike catches a little media attention for one little rape and Nintendo yanks his name off of the game like a bunch of little grovelin� bitches and replace him with a clean-cut cock-suckin� cracker named Mr. Dream.� BULLSHIT!!� I�ll tell you one thing, no way Mr. Dream could handle doin� time like �behind Iron bars� Mike Tyson.� Mr. Dream would be guzzlin� cum before he even got to his cell.

Ice Hockey: A classic.� The first good hockey game that was made.� You have your choice of several international teams.� And even though this game was released durin� the Cold War, the USSR does have a team.� And they�re pretty damn good to boot.� But as for myself, I think that the shifty Swedes are the team to pick.� Now don�t forget about the good ol� USA.� They did take the gold in 1980.� EDITOR�S NOTE:� (Go see Miracle,

what a bag of shit that looks like.)� But just as important as the team you pick is how you decide to stack your lines.� You must have at least one fatty for his big slapper and to protect your skinny guys, which I would suggest you have two.� And one middle guy to round out the group.� Goaltendin� is no easy task in this game since the goal is about 20 feet wide, but you�ll have to learn to stand you post between the pipes if you want to be victorious.

Magic Johnson�s Fast Break: I doubt that many of you out there are familiar with this game and that is probably for the best.� Only one word can describe this game.� BUNK!!!� The only redeemin� thing about this game is the funky music on the Start Screen.� But once the game starts, it�s all downhill.� The players look like blue and red blobs with no faces, there�s no dunks, and when you hit a three or a foul is called, you get a horrifyin� glance at Magic�s HIV-ridden face sayin� somethin� like, �Great Bomb� or �Back Court Violation�.� If the designers at Tradewest would have spent a quarter of the time they spent on makin� Magic�s ugly mug look realistic, on improvin� the graphics durin� game play, this game probably wouldn�t look like somethin� that came out of the asshole of an Atari 2600.

RBI Baseball: Let�s end on a positive note.� This is one of the best two player games for the NES.� If you and a friend sit down to play a round of RBI Baseball and do not enjoy yourselves, then you two are not really friends.� Sorry, but somebody had to tell you.� Granted, everyone has their favorite squad.� The Birdnals are obviously a popular choice �cause of their speed on the base paths.� Other Dudes will opt for Boston for the arm of the soon to be washed-up ace Roger Clemens and the sluggin� power of chicken-eatin� & sex-addicted Wade Boggs(who, on an unrelated note, is breakin� my heart by goin� into the Hall of Fame as a shitbag New York Yankee).� And there are still others who will play as the Minnesota Twins.� I call these people suckers �cause whether or not they want to admit it, Kirby Puckett is a pudgy sac of shit(you know it�s true S-Squared).

�� Startin� wit� �dis issue, I am goin� to have a new feature for Dudes 8-Bit called Bit Tips.� In this section, I will have some pointers to help you Dudes keep your 8-Bit providin� you hours of mind-numbin�, finger-achin� entertainment.

�� Say you�re tryin� to get a game to work, but it is not cooperatin�.� You�ve already tried blowin� into the game and into the NES itself, but still the screen keeps flashin�.� Here�s what you do.� First, insert the game into your NES and hold it down all the way.� Next, move the game gently around while holdin� it down until the picture becomes clear.� Tap the Reset button every now and then while doin� this.� Once you have a good solid picture, keep holdin� the game down and grab another cartridge.� Finally, insert that cartridge into the NES so it holds down the game that you are tryin� to play.� If the screen flashes once you let go of the cartridge, don�t get frustrated, just try it again.� Trust me, this method works.� It just takes a little practice.

If you have any questions, comments, or you just want to shoot the shit about *-Bit in general, email me at 8bit@trustkill.net

Schucker Do's and Dont's

By D-Bomb

BONUS

DUDES DO Kings of Pop.

King of Pop does children.�� PETTER-ASS!

Recruitment Ad

ATTENTION DUDES MAGAZINE READERS!

Do you think you're Dudeworthy?� Are you Dudely?� Do want to write for this great magazine? If so, send a letter to Dudes Magazine World headquarters explainin' why you think you're Dudeworthy.� Then, the Board of Dudes will arrange a meetin' wit' you at New Dudes Hangout.� The Dudes of the Roundtable will have a series of questions they will ask you, better known as the Dudes Questionnaire.� Also, your future as a Dude will be partially based on your ability to pound Heavies.� After the meetin', Dudes Magazine will let you know whether or not you meet the qualifications to be admitted into the World of Dudes.

Send all entries to:

Dudes Magazine World Headquarters

714 Zeiss Avenue

Lemay, MO 63125

Look-a-Likes

��

�� Fat Fat�� P. Swayze

��

Fat Fat�� Dolph Lundgren

Zachery Ty Bryan

Brian Bosworth, a.k.a. "The Boz"

��

�� Captain Xtreme�� Mario Lopez, a.k.a. A.C. Slater

Shitbag Actor o� the Month

By Nighthawk

Brian Dennehy

Born � July 9, 1938

Bridgeport, Connecticut

�� Bunk Flicks�� Dudely Flicks
-Looking for Mr. Goodbar (1979)�� -Tommy Boy (1995)

� *Sounds Dumb.�� *Chris Farley, David Spade,

�� and a good story line save it.

��

-Legal Eagles (1986)�� -Rambo: First Blood (1982)

*BUNK NAME!�� *RAMBO KICKS ASS!

-Cocoon (1985)�� -10 (1979)��

*Geezers and Wilford Brimley�� *Bo Derek is HOT!!!

�� EQUALS DOUBLE BUNK!!!

��

-I Take These Men (1983)�� -Blood Feud (1983)

�� *Sounds Homo-Erotic�� !�� *Dennehy plays Aide to Jimmy��

�� Hoffa!

�� -A Season on the Brink (2002)

�� *Dennehy is a FAT & GROSS

�� Bobby Knight.

�� -Semi-Tough (1977)

�� *SEMI-BUNK!!!

��

�� -A Season in Purgatory (1996)

�� *A career in the SHITTER!

Dennehy even guest-starred in �Souvenirs�, an episode of M*A*S*H.

THIS JUST ABOUT SUMS IT UP.

EVERYTHING DENNEHY TOUCHES TURNS TO SHIT!!!!!

SHARK ATTACK!

Son-of-Obitchuary

By Lonewolf

FRED �RERUN� BERRY

1951 - 2003

�� WHAT�S HAPPENIN�!?!� Fuckin� A Right What�s Happenin�!� Lonewolf is talkin� 'bout the Mondo Wicked show that graced your television set back in the 70�s and 80�s.�� This issue, the Wolf wanted to make it a point to tip his cap to the late, great, and overweight Fred �Rerun� Berry.� Yup, it bums me out to report that this Dude checked in to the Pearly Gates on October 22, 2003 at the young age of 52.� Now I know that all my fellow Dudes out there are well aware that Rerun was a solid Dude.� However, some may be surprised to see exactly how wicked this Dude was.� Did you know that our boy Rerun was born in the STL?� Yup, that�s right, Rerun is a fine product of the River City so why don�t you just sit tight and let me spit a little more knowledge 'bout this Dude among Dudes:

�� Rerun got his name �cause on the show (What�s Happenin') he didn�t give a shit about high school.� He would dick around all school year and come summer he would have to �rerun� all of his classes. Not only is that shit funny, but it is really cool.� All Dudes know high school is for the birds and just plain bullshit.

Rerun was also a Dude off the camera and behind the scenes.� In the 1980�s, he partied like Bob Downy Jr. and developed a pretty decent addiction to drugs and alcohol.� In fact, he was a millionaire before the age of 30, and totally blew all of his money on partyin�.� All Dudes know that�s the way to run shit.� You get your first million and fuckin� PAARRRTTY! You never know when your career is goin' to take a change for the worse so you better enjoy it while it lasts.� Shit, if that means blowin� a cool million on drugs and booze, so be it.� Just have a good time brah.� Rerun claimed that, "The stress of success got to me. The fat jokes got to me. And I got heavily into drugs and alcohol. I was empty inside."� But we know that shit is whack.� The Dude sure didn�t look too empty if you know what I mean.� Shit, he was pushin' 300 lbs!

�� Rerun�s antics get better.� The Dude was married� 6 times to 4 different gashes.� In fact, one of the lovely ladies was a P.Y.T. he met at a strip club and he actually married her twice.� We here at Dudes Mag are pretty sure she must have been one righteous babe for the Rerun to actually marry her twice.� Shoot Rerun, you crazy!

�� Towards the end of his life he had a pretty solid career.� He made several guest appearances on some pretty popular TV shows that I have never watched.� He also had a pretty sweet gig with some celebrity telephone company that sounded like a wicked deal.� Apparently, Rerun made it possible for his many fans to call him and actually talk to him on the phone.� All you had to do was pay $30 and you got to shoot the shit with Rerun himself for 30 seconds. This is obviously a deal and if the Dudes Mag staff would have caught wind of this opportunity while ol� Rerun was still tickin�, you can bet that we would have been all over that shit.� But hey, C�est la Vie brah!� R.I.P. Fred �Rerun� Berry!

Fun Fact # 3

Fat Fat still rocks soccer gear, even though it put him in D.F.I.C.O.D.S. in Issue 2.

Dude Found In Contempt Of Dudes Stuff

�� Once a Dude, always a Dude.� But sometimes bein� a Dude can be tough.� You know, with all the partyin� and all.� Lookin� cool, talkin� �bout cool shit, and nailin� babes.� All of these things can be pretty hard to handle sometimes.� So it�s understandable when a Dude slowly, but surely drops off Dudes Radar Screen for a temporary amount of time.� But as Dudes, we need to get a Fallen Dude back on track.� The Dude upstairs put us here to be Dudes.� So let�s keep it that way.

D.F.I.C.O.D.S. wit' his whirleybird

Bogus Moves Made by the Dude Found In Contempt:

-BUNKNESS-

-For a magazine he helped create, he went from doin� half the work to practically doin� nothin� over the course of just 1 year-

-Said he would help Nighthawk move out of his old digs and into his new digs, but instead, went to Crown Candy wit� his girlfriend-

-Told Nighthawk that he would have his shit in by the deadline and didn�t.� When the deadline came, he said the next day and there was nothin�.-

-Does very little hangin� out wit� Dudes when back in the Lou.� Does more hangin� out wit� his whirleybird.-

PLEASE HELP THIS DUDE!!!!!

*"Eat Shit Chicago" Is Mentioned In This Issue Twice*

Bad Jams

By Nighthawk

�� Rock n roll is sweet.� All Dudes understand that.� The world of rock n roll is filled with whirleybird, booze, drugs, and everything else a Dude could ever want.� And sometimes it can get to be too much to handle for a Dude.� Go ahead, call this Dude a pussy and a wimp because he gets overwhelmed by too much booze and gash.� It only feels right.� But this is what happens to a lot of rockers.� Sometimes in the long run and sometimes all too soon.� All Dudes understand this because all Dudes are rockers.� And all rockers are Dudes.� Said and done.

��

David hagerty gets down on the gee-tar�� Dudes at Motown in 2001

�� In this issue�s artist profile, we would like to focus on one of these particular rockers who is already pushin� up daisies in a boneyard somewhere.� This Dude joins the ranks of Bon Scott, Elvis(supposedly), Eazy mothafuckin� E, and Jam Master Jay.� He is no longer among the rockers still rockin� live as hell.� These Dudes include Huey Lewis, C.C. DeVille, Weird Al Yankovic, and Chuck Berry.� So let me wipe my vagina after bein� so sentimental and help you Dudes celebrate the career of Wesley Willis.

Bad Jams Artist Profile

Wesley Willis

R.I.P.

�� He was 350 pounds of schizophrenic energy.� He greeted all his fans by head butting them in the forehead.� This of course left a permanent bruise on his forehead.� He sang about everything from McDonald�s to Batman to Alanis Morissette to suckin� a cheetah�s dick.� He was different to say the least.�

�� Diagnosed with schizophrenia in 1989, Wesley decided to share his inner demons with the world in the form of music.� He claimed to have �schizophrenia demons� in his head that took him off of his �harmony joy rides� and put him on �torture hell rides�.� Although it wasn�t traditional or mainstream, his music was rockin�.� Usin� a Casio keyboard, this Dude had virtually the same drum beat playin� for every song.� And the lyrics, my god the lyrics!� The lyrics were off the chain!� They didn�t make any sense and were hard to understand, but it all seemed like Wesley Willis knew what he was doin�.

�� Takin� an average time of 5 hours to record an album, it�s no wonder he released more than 50 albums containin� over 1,000 songs over the past decade.� He also played live sometimes with his punk band, Wesley Willis Fiasco.� He gives shouts-out to his favorite bands durin� his bad jams.� Bands such as Veruca Salt and Porno for Pyros are mentioned by the 6-foot 5-inch schizo in a number of tunes.� Another thing Willis liked to do durin� his songs was mention slogans of big-name companies, such as, �Budweiser, the king of beers!�� Over all, this Dude�s favorite phrase was, �ROCK OVER LONDON, ROCK ON CHICAGO!��

�� He will forever be missed by all Dudes and all rockers everywhere.� I will leave you now with a few of his song titles for your amusement.

�Rock n Roll McDonald�s�

�I�m Sorry That I Got Fat�

�My Mother Smokes Crack Rocks�

�Cut The Mullet�

�Termites Ate My House Up�

�Suck a Pitbull�s Dick�

�I Smoke Weed�

�I Whipped Superman�s Ass�

�Kiss My Black Ass�

�Kris Kringle Was a Car Thief�

�Rock Saddam Hussein�s Ass�

�I Murdered Your Family�

�I Wupped Batman�s Ass�

For More Information On Wesley Willis, go to WWW.WESLEYWILLIS.COM

Photos

By Ran-Man

�� In this new section of Dudes Magazine, Ran-Man will put on display for you Dudes some photographs.� There will also be a caption explainin' what's happenin' in each photo.� Enjoy!

From Left: D-Bomb, Tall Man, Lil' Deryl, Big J, B-Rad just chillin'

Midwest System, Tall Man, and Nolan������������ Lil' Deryl and Tall Man

give it a thumb's up����������������         ��� check out some racquets

Canadian Tuxedos and Mullets at the Zoo

Dudes get their rock on����������������� ������������Nighthawk says hello

Fill 'er up sir��������������������������� Picture Book of Saints says, WORD!

Sports

By Nighthawk

�� Once again, Midwest System(The Anchor) is A.W.O.L.� At this point, you could even say that the Dude doesn�t even write for this magazine anymore.� But, what�s Dudes Magazine without Dudes Sports?� That�s right � NOTHING!� Last issue, there was no Dudes Sports article, but it ain�t gonna happen anymore.� I apologize for the absence of Dudes Sports in Issue 2. What am I gonna focus on in this issue?� Baseball.� That�s right � BASEBALL! Even though it�s winter, baseball is always on my mind.� And it�s always on the minds of other Dudes, too.� Let�s face it, NBA sucks big dick.� The Blues are havin� a terrible mid-season slump.� Pitchers and catchers report on February 20.� WHOO-HOO!!!� I can�t wait.�

��

�� B-Rad skates in Lemay, MO�� Olympic Stadium in Montreal, Canada

While baseball itself is always a great topic of bar-room discussion, you gotta zero-in on one particular aspect of the sport.� What aspect am I gonna zero-in on?� Ballparks.� Where the boys of summer get their play on.� I�m here this issue to give you the skinny on the coolest, and oldest, park still in existence.� Fenway Park in Boston, Massachusetts.

Fenway Park

�� Ever since openin� day for Fenway on April 20, 1912, baseball fans of all ages have enjoyed games in what I firmly believe is the best place to catch a game today.� Havin� been there twice and to Wrigley once, I can honestly say this � �WRIGLEY FIELD AIN�T GOT SHIT ON FENWAY PARK!!!� Eat Shit Chicago!!!"� Home to the much-loved Boston Red Sox, Fenway Park has seen the likes of many great players.� Babe Ruth, Ted Williams, Carl Yastrzemski, Bobby Doerr, Fred Lynn, Duffy Lewis, Johnny Pesky, Joe Cronin, and Carlton Fisk are just some of the many great Sox players that graced the turf at Fenway.�

The capacity at Fenway has changed from 35,000 in 1912 to 34,000 today.� In 1912, the construction cost for Fenway Park was $650,000. The left field foul pole measures 310 feet from home plate wit� the Green Monster towerin� up in left field at 37 feet tall wit� a 23-foot, 7-inch net which was placed above it in 1936 to protect windows on Lansdowne Street which is directly behind the Monster.� Left-center field measures at 388 feet from the dish and straight-away center is a cool 390 feet away.� The deepest corner in Fenway, just to the right of center, is 420 feet from home.� Right-center field, just to the right of the deepest corner in the park, is measured at 383 feet away from the plate.� This is where the bullpen begins.� Right of right-center is 380 feet away, while right field is just 302 feet from home plate.� The backstop is measured at 60 feet behind home plate.� The foul territory at Fenway is the smallest in the major leagues.

View of Green Monster and bleachers at Fenway Park

Fenway Park opened on the same day as Detroit�s Tiger Stadium.� When Tiger Stadium was torn down recently Fenway became the oldest ballpark in use in the majors.� The Red Sox fit 47,627 fans into Fenway for a September 22, 1935 doubleheader against the New York Yankees(douchebags).� Fire laws in the 1940�s ended this type of overcrowdin�. The biggest crowd at Fenway since then was 36,388 for a game against the Cleveland Indians in 1978.�

�� The clubhouses at Fenway are small.� The tunnels that lead teams outta the clubhouses to the dugouts are usually wet, and the floorboards creak.� The average attendance for Red Sox games at Fenway has been over 2.5 million since the 1990�s.� The Sox won the Series 4 times between 1912 and 1918, the park�s first 7 seasons.� After the 1919 season, the Red Sox sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees.� Some people believe the Sox haven�t won the Series since because of it.� I think it�s BULLSHIT!� And after Curt Schilling singed wit� the team durin� this past off-season, they�re gonna win it again in 2004! Back to the article.� What is thought to be as the most memorable game in World Series history, Carlton Fisk won Game 6 against the Cincinnati Reds with a 12^th-innin� home run over the Green Monster just inside the left field foul pole on October 21,1975.�

�� A manually operated scoreboard sits at the base of the Green Monster.� It was installed on the wall in 1934, and it was moved 20 feet to the right in 1976.� In addition to the game goin� on that day at Fenway, the scoreboard displays the scores of other American League games.� A ladder starts up the Monster, 13 feet above ground, and rises to the top of the Monster.� It allows the groundskeeper to remove battin�-practice home run balls from the net above the wall.� The Green Monster was painted green in 1947.� Before then, the wall was covered wit� advertisements.� On January 5, 1934, a fire burned the original 25-foot wooden wall along wit� most of the grandstands.� It was in 1934 that the wall was replaced wit� a 37 foot-high wall built wit� 2x4�s, covered wit� tin.� Balls that hit the tin over the 2x4�s, had a live bounce.� Ball that hit the wall between the 2x4�s, just dropped straight down.� In 1976, the current hard plastic wall was erected at Fenway Park.�

The right-field bullpens were added to Fenway in 1940.� It was an effort to help Ted Williams hit more home runs.� Reducin� the distance from home plate to that fence by 23 feet, this area of the park became known as Williamsburg.� The Sox became the third-to-last team in the majors to play home night games.� Lights went up at Fenway on June 13, 1947.� An electronic scoreboard was added to the park in 1976 above the center-field bleachers, which significantly altered wind currents.� Private suites were added to the rooftop boxes in 1983.� A glassed-in seatin� section called the 600 Club was built behind home plate in 1988.� Around that same time, a new pressbox was built above home plate.� This causes wind swirl that pushes foul balls back into fair territory.�

�� For many years, the roof over the grandstand in right field was where retired Sox numbers hung in the order they were retired: 9(Ted Williams), 4(Joe Cronin), 1(Bobby Doerr), and 8(Carl Yastrzemski).� This eerily reminded fans of September 4, 1918.� This is the date of the day before the Red Sox won their last World Series.� Since then, the numbers have been rearranged in numerical order.� Carlton Fisk�s number, 27, is also now hangin� in right. The foul pole in right field was nicknamed �Pesky�s Pole� �cause Johnny Pesky hit it so many times for home runs.� While many players have hit home runs over the Green Monster in left field, no one has ever hit a Dinger over the roof above the grandstand in right field.

�� Besides the Red Sox, the AFL�s Boston Patriots played at Fenway from 1963-1968.� The Boston Redskins(later became the Washington Redskins) played there before that.� Boston College and Boston University�s football teams also played at Fenway.� In 1914, the Boston Braves won the World Series at Fenway Park �cause Braves Field was under construction.� That was the only World Series played at Fenway not involvin� the Red Sox.�

I will now leave you with some Fenway Park Facts:

-Playin� surface is Bluegrass-

-Seats are made of oak-

-Red Sox dugout is on the 1^st base side-

-Bullpens are behind the right-field fence-

-Elevation at Fenway is 20 feet above sea level-

-Site of the 1946, 1961(game 2 of a doubleheader), and 1999 All Star games-

-Duffy�s Cliff was a 10-foot-high mound which formed an incline in front of the left field wall from 1912 to 1933.� It extended from the left-field foul pole to the flag pole in center field.� It was named after the Red Sox�s Duffy Lewis, the master of defensive play on the cliff-

-Behind the manual scoreboard in left field is a room where the walls are covered with signatures of players that have played left field at Fenway throughout the years-

-On May 8, 1926, wooden bleachers that stood in foul territory down the left field line burned down.� This increased the size of foul territory there-

-Wooden bleachers were completed in center and right-center fields for the 1912 World Series-

-The infield grass was transplanted from Huntington Avenue Baseball grounds(home of the Red Sox prior to Fenway Park) to Fenway in 1912-

-A seat in the right field bleachers is painted red (the others are green) to mark the spot where the longest measurable home run ever hit inside Fenway Park landed.� Ted Williams hit the home run on June 9, 1946 off Fred Hutchinson of the Detroit Tigers.� It was measured at 502 feet and supposedly crashed through the straw hat of the man sittin� in the seat(Section 42, Row 37, Seat 21)-

-The screen behind home plate was designed to protect fans and allow foul balls to roll back down onto the field of play.� It was the first of its kind in the majors-

For more information on Fenway Park, write to:

Boston Red Sox

4 Yawkey Way

Boston, MA 02215-3496

Or call:

617-267-1700

Fun Fact # 4

Never salt meat prior to grillin' it, as it will lead to dryness.

Dudes Let It All Hang Out

Foods

By Nighthawk

�� Morty Munson is BUNK!� More than likely, he will no longer be Dudes Foods Correspondent.� After a two-issue absence, I�m afraid that he is probably goin� to be let go.� It hurts me as much as much as I�m sure it does you.� But we just can�t have that kind of shit at Dudes Magazine. We�re professionals.� This dumb magazine is really started to gain a followin� and become somethin�.� Slouches can�t be a part of an outfit like this one. Anyway, for the second time in a row, I�ve had to fill Munson�s void.� Last time it was Fast Eddie�s in Alton, IL.� This time, Crown Candy in beautiful North Saint Louis.

Crown Candy

Big Al and Nighthawk in front of Crown Candy

It�s the Lou�s oldest soda fountain.� Since 1913, ice cream and candy have been for sale at Crown Candy. It�s one of the few ice cream soda fountains still remainin� in the United States.� It�s also home to the now infamous Malt-Off, which took place on November 16, 2003.

�� Confectioners from Greece, Harry Karandzieff and Pete Jugaloff founded Crown Candy together.� Ice Cream is still homemade in the tradition established by these two.� For almost a hundred years, tin ceilings, wooden display cases and counters, and white booths(just big enough to seat two or four Dudes, dependin� on size of the Dudes) have been part of the mainstay interior of Crown Candy.� There�s even and indoor phone booth and a classic jukebox.� And, they both work!� Amazin�!�

�� Known for its ice cream, Crown Candy is a candy company better known for seasonal items such as chocolate rabbits and Santas. Traditional candy is produced year round at Crown Candy.� In addition to the ice cream and candy, Crown is great for lunch or supper in St. Louis.�

�� Made to order, the Samiches are superb and served wit� a handful of chips.� From roast beef to grilled cheese to a reuben to a chili dog to a BLT, the samiches are GREAT!� The menu states, �No matter how long it takes. . . our service is fast.�� DAMN!� How right they are wit� that one.� After puttin� your order in, you got just enough time to burn a square before your plate is served to you.� While waitin� on that plate, the waiter or waitress brings a glass of water for each Dude at the booth.� Here�s my only beef wit� Crown Candy: The Water Glasses Are Too Small!� They�re only 8 ounces at the most.� That�s one, maybe 2, drinks and then your water�s gone. Oh well, the shakes and ice cream sodas and malts make up for that.� Which brings me to my next point.

Since Crown Candy opened in 1913, anyone who can drink five 24-ounce malts in 30 minutes or less gets them free.� And you even get your name on a plaque wit� the other Malt Champions.� It will say the date that you did it on and how many malts you drank in how many minutes.� There�s even a few women who�ve completed the challenge.� I�d like to see those cows!� GEEZ!�

�� All ice cream creations and samiches are priced between three and five dollars wit� the average cost of a sundae runnin� $3.80.� Crown Candy Company is located at 1401 St. Louis Avenue.� Hours of Operation are: 10:30am-9pm on Monday-Friday, 10:30am-10pm on Saturday, and 12noon-9pm on Sunday.� For directions, call Crown Candy at: 314-621-9650.

Horoscope

By Mr. Rin Tin Tin

Aries- You get canned from the salt mines and will have to decide if you should ever work again.

Taurus- You meet some whirleybird at a waterin� hole and take her back to your pad. You will have to decide if you dare enter the Anal Ward.

Gemini- While you're Emptying the Poo Bag, you come to a realization: YOU LOVE BEIN� A DUDE!

Cancer- There is a mondo bag in your life who won�t leave you alone. You will have no choice but to give him the Upper Decker (a.k.a. Top Shelf).

Leo- Sorry Dude, you will soon be six feet under, but hey you had a good run.

Virgo- You think that you have found the girl of your dreams and are considerin� Goin� On Bended Knee, but then you realize that tyin' the knot is BUNK!

Libra- You will have to make a difficult choice: Donny�s or The King.

Scorpio- If you want love, you�re stupid. If you want a hummer, seek out a whirleybird of the Gemini variety.

Sagittarius- You will meet God face to face.� He will bow down to you and ask about the release date for the next issue of Dudes Mag.

Capricorn- You will find happiness at the tart.

Aquarius- You feel like you�re in a rut, but then you discover the healin� power of Heavies and gettin� crunked.

Pisces- You will win the lottery and take Dudes Mag to the top (an inevitability).

��

Name That Dude

By Nighthawk

8-Bit and Chumpy the Clown at the Galaxy

Fill in the blank with the name of the Dude that you think fits the description.

1. Co-wrote the bad jam �Lil� Nuk Nuk� wit� S-Squrred : _ - _ _ _ _

2. Exclusively rocks the Diposie : _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

3. Younger brother of S-Town Street Team : _ _ _ _

4. Denies bein� named Dude Found In Contempt of Dudes Stuff in

�� Issue 1 : _ _ _ _ _ _ _�� _ _ _ _ _ _

5.�� Proud owner of an 8-Bit Top-Loader : _ _.� _ _ _� _ _ _� _ _ _

Word Scramble

By Mr. Rin Tin Tin

1- GINAHN NSIRBA�� _ _ _ _ _ _�� _ _ _ _ _ _

2- INES NSEI�� _ _ _ _�� _ _ _ _

3- HFITF SEAB�� _ _ _ _ _�� _ _ _ _

4- EMADHNOB�� _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

5- STUMY�� _ _ _ _ _

6- PIEDIOSS�� _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

7- LANA DRAW�� _ _ _ _�� _ _ _ _

8- ETITHO BMABEC�� _ _ _ _ _ _�� _ _ _ _ _ _

9- ESUDD FURMION�� _ _ _ _ _�� _ _ _ _ _ _ _

10- DLUEADSR�� _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

ANSWERS TO NAME THAT DUDE AND DUDES WORD SCRAMBLE ON PAGE 95

Dear Dude

By Mr. Rin Tin

Dear Dude,

I recently moved from my hometown of Norfolk, Virginia to Grand Rapids, Michigan 'cause of a transfer handed down from the Jefe at the salt mines. At first, I was pumped to move to a new town to hang with new Dudes and score some fresh tiny taint but that all changed after I arrived. All the Dudes that I have met seem weird to me, I feel like I am in a completely different Dudes Culture. Don�t get me wrong, I don�t think that all the bros are bags, they just don�t kick it the same way I am used to. For instance, they don�t drink Bud Heavy or munch Sunnies. I don�t know if I should not hang with these Dudes or if I should and just not pay attention to these obvious Dudes Blunders. What should I do Dude?

�� Sincerely,

�� Misplaced Dude

Misplaced Dude,

First and foremost, what you should do is determine if these bros really are Dudes, 'cause as you said no Sunnies or Bud Heavy is a serious Dudes Blunder. But if you remain confident that they are Dudes, just of a different persuasion, then you should not dismiss these Dudes entirely. If they are Dudes, then they must sip on and munch on omething� good, surely no better than Sunnies or Bud Heavy, but the snacks and bevs might still be Dudeworthy. If so, you might discover some new Dudeworthy bevs and snacks that you could tell other Dudes about. You must remember that every Dudes Culture developed independently based on its environment. Though these Dudes do not give Bud Heavy and Sunnies the top honor, they still might indulge in Dudeworthy products. So stick to your guns and chill with these Dudes.� Just 'cause they kick it differently, don�t mean that you can�t still kick it live wit' them. Besides, I am sure that you�ll get them poundin� the Heavies and chompin� the Sunnies in no time.

�� Party On,

�� Dude

Picks

Bad Jams O� the Month

Nighthawk: �Jill Is A Jerk� � The Pubes

Mr. Rin Tin Tin: "Old time Rock n Roll" - Bob Seger

S-Squrred: Descendents new E.P. "'Merican"

L-Vis: "Mama, Don't Let Your Babie Grow To Be Cowboys" - Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings

Lonewolf: "Today Was A Good Day" - Ice Cube

D-Bomb: �Bring Me My Shotgun� � Sam �Lightning� Hopkins

8Bit: �Down On Me� � Jackyl

Flicks O� the Month

Nighthawk: Slap Shot(1977)

Mr. Rin Tin Tin: They Call Me Mr. Tibbs(1970)

S-Squrred: Freddy Vs. Jason(2003)

L-Vis: Some Like It Hot(1959)

Lonewolf: Heavyweights(1995)

D-Bomb: Young Blood(1932)

8Bit: Going Ape!(1981)

Foods O� the Month

Nighthawk: Cool Ranch dressing; for all your Dudes Foods needs

Mr. Rin Tin Tin: Chili

S-Squrred: Steak and Cheese Sammy from Fenton Bar and Grill

L-Vis: Cheez-Its

Lonewolf: Potato Stix

D-Bomb: Dub Deck Tock, Sub. Beans from T-Bell

8Bit: Slinger

Blunder O� the Month

Midwest System denied bein� Dude Found In Contempt Of Dudes Stuff for Issue 1.� He loaned his magazine to T-Spoon, only after he ripped out the D.F.I.C.O.D.S. Page.

Tea Bag o' the Month

Big Al gets the Bilbo Baggins

M.I.L.F. o' the Month

Code Name: Ball Game

Age: 41

Photo Courtesy of www.MILFHUNTER.com

Rigg O� the Month

Oscar Mayer Wienermobile

NAME THAT DUDE: 1-D-BOMB, 2-NIGHTHAWK, 3-LARS, 4-MIDWEST SYSTEM, 5-MR. RIN TIN TIN�� DUDES WORD SCRAMBLE: 1-HANGIN' BRAINS, 2-SEIN-SEIN, 3-FIFTH BASE, 4-HAMBONED, 5-MUSTY, 6- DISPOSIE, 7-ANAL WARD, 8-HOTTIE MCBABE, 9-DUDES UNIFORM, 10-ADULDERS

Raddest Dude Alive

�� This is once again a new section to the mag.� I figured that it would be cool to honor 1 Dude in each issue for bein� Dudely. �We already have the Bunk Dude Honor with D.F.I.C.O.D.S.� Why not venture into the opposite end of the spectrum. Raddest Dude Alive will give you a quick rundown of the particular Dude bein� honored wit� the write-up.� In addition, a Raddest Dude Alive T-Shirt will be awarded to the Raddest Dude Alive each issue.

D-Bomb

-Writes Schucker Do�s and Dont�s-

-Always has a frosty one for a Dude at D-Bomb Estates-

-Total Rocker-

-Has a Beer Gut-

-Is Fanatical about Dudes Magazine-

-Trainer for Team Al-

-Provides Dudes Magazine wit� many Glossary terms-

D-BOMB IS CLEARLY A DUDE AMONG DUDES!!!!!

Glutton

8Bit lets it hang out

Mutton

Gulf Coast Native SheepDutton

Dutton

Charles Dutton gets down 'n' dirty wit' his award

Glossary

By Nighthawk

Adulders � adult sodas.

Anal Ward � the area of a Hen in which a Dude gets to Fifth Base.

Bad Jam Library - collection of Bad Jams on all formats.

Barrel Fire - fire in a barrel or metal trash can. This is used for Dudes Sleddin'.

Beardy � a Dude that�s got a beard.

Beer Nuts - Double Dip.

Biff � 1. when a Dude cuts one.� 2. Lars� buddy.

Bird Dude � a Dude that has the appearance of a whirleybird.� See R-Dub.

Birdnals - St. Louis Cardinals baseball team.

Board of Dudes � the group of Dudes which review the applications of Dudes Mag readers who want to be included in the Immediate Circle of Dudes. This group also is responsible for compilin� the Dudes Questionnaire.� Finally, these particular Dudes decide which applicants will be admitted into the Immediate Circle of Dudes.

Boneyard Boob Tube � cancelled sitcoms which are not in syndication.

Bumpin' Uglies - gettin' taint deep.

Bunk Tube - boob tube that is BUNK!

Burgs - hamburgers.

Burn a Square � Grift a Tube.

Butter Lung � feelin' like you're gona puke up Lung Butter.

Butts - cigarettes.

Cable Country - where the cable Monster gets his chill on at.

Cable Room - the room at your digs where you lay cable.

Cables - turds.

C�est la Vie � Dudes French for THAT�S LIFE.

Checkin� the Headlight � what a Dude does when he pulls over on the side of Dudes Expressway to bust a whiz in front of his rigg.

Chippers - Dudes potato chips.

Crotch Rocket - shitty-ass motorcycle.

Crown Candy - the oldest ice cream soda fountain in St. Louis, Missouri.

'Ders - sodas.

Dinger - home run.

Disco Compacto - compact disc.

Disposie � Dudes Disposable Camera.�

Doin' Jack Shit - maxin' and relaxin'.

Double Dip - puttin' your balls into an open neck of a frosty one, so as to de-foam the s.o.b.

Douche McDouche � extreme douchebag.� Always hangs out with Hottie McBabe.�

Dude at the Helm - Dude behind the wheel in the rigg.

Dude Bird � a whirleybird that has the appearance of a Dude.�

Dudedom - the state of bein' a Dude.

Dude In Crisis - a Dude who ain't got greenbacks for Bud Heavies.

Dudely Appearance - an appearance that is Dudely.

Dudely Babes - babes who are worthy of mention in Dudes Magazine.

Dudely Dudes - very cool Dudes.

Dudelyhood - your reputation as a Dude.

Dudes Babe - Dudely Babe.

Dudes Cheaters - eyeglasses.

Dudes Culture - culture of Dudes.

Dudes Earth - Waller.

Dudes Field Trip � when Dudes go out on research journeys.

Dudes Gear - gear that's owned by a Dude.

Dudes of Honor - Dudely Dudes.

Dudes of the Roundtable � Board of Dudes.

Dudes Palm Pilot � notepad and pen.

Dudes Questionnaire � a series of questions written by the Board of Dudes which helps them decide which applicants will be included in the immediate Circle of Dudes.

Dudes Radar Screen - the fictional device that helps Dudes see that other Dudes are still hangin' around.

Dudes Reunion � when Out-Of-Nellyville Dudes come back to the Lou and get their chill on.

Dudes Rigg Stink � the diabolical and indefinable level of funk that a Dudes Rigg can reach if a Dude pounds Heavies, Burns Squares, and/or has vomited in his rigg.� This can be almost, but not completely, eliminated with the help of a Sponge Bob car freshener or somethin� close to it.� GOOD LUCK!

Dudes Rolodex � Dudes Palm Pilot.

Dudes Sightin� � when Dudes are seen out and about in public.

Dudes Slopes - where Dudes go sleddin'.

Dudes Stink � the routinely awful odor a Dude can give off, which is more disgustin� than just the everyday smell of a Dude.� This is unavoidable on Dudes Road Trip.

Dudes Uniform � a pair of Cons, seaties or sweatie shorts, Dudes T-Shirt, Dudes Members Only, a cap that are all the same color so as they match.� Accessories for the Dudes Uni include a Musty and a Fanny Pack.

Emptyin� the Poo Bag � layin� cable.

Fallen Dude - a Dude that has temporarily or permanently fallen off the Dudes Radar Screen.

Fifth Base � the forbidden zone of a whirleybird.� This is where a Dude comes out of the dugout to make his curtain call.� Some call it a night cap of sorts.

Foggin' Up the Windows - gettin' hot and heavy with a broad in your rigg.

Fresh Kill - game that is shot by Dudes so that Dudes can eat it.� A good example of game is Venison and Gibble-Gobblers.

Grift a Tube � Burn a Square.

Gettin� Your Stay On � where a Dude does his livin� at.

Gettin' Your Swerve On - cruisin' in your rigg.

Goin' On Bended Knee - proposin' marriage to a dame.

Hamboned � shitfaced.

Hangin� Brains � when a Dude�s junk is fallin� out of his shorts.

Helluvalotta - Hell of a lot of.

Hen - whirleybird.

Hogweiser � 16 ounce bottle of Budweiser, a.k.a. the 1-6er Fatneck.� See Bud Lingo in Issue 1.

Home Base - where a Dude lives.

Hottie McBabe � totally smokin� hot whirleybird.� Always hangs out with Douche McDouche.

Hummer � blow job.

Idiot Box - Dudes T.V.

Immediate Circle of Dudes � a group of Dudes that includes the Dudes Magazine Roster and Street Team.� Other Dudes in this circle are close friends of the Dudes Magazine Roster and Street Team.

Intermittent Cable - diarrhea-like cable that comes outta your ass sporatically and it is very spotty.�

Jefe - Dudes Spanish boss.

Le Target � the chain of retail stores known as Target to the general public.

Lung Butter - puke of the liquid variety.� This is a result of Butter Lung. �

Maple Leaf Monkey Suit � Canadian Tuxedo.

MD20/20 - Mad Dog.

Mercury - temperature for the outdoors.

Mondo Wicked - totally sweet shit.

Musty � Dudes Moustache.

Nellyville � The Lou.

New Dudes Hangout � Roy and Anne�s basement.� Dudes of the Roundtable holds its recruitment sessions here.

Old Dudes Hangout � Roy and Anne�s basement.� This is where the Board of Dudes holds its meetin�s.

On The Road Dudes - Dudes that you meet while on a Dudes Road Trip.

Orangies - bitches who have an orange-like glow to their faces as a result of tannin'.

Out-Of-Nellyville Dudes � Dudes originally from the Lou, who are presently Gettin� Their Stay On elsewhere for whatever reason.

Packers Backer - a Green Bay Packers fan.

P.D.A. - public display of affection.� This is BUNK!

Pearlies - chompers.� Dudes Teeth.

Penis Drain - the toilet.

Perve - to check out.� Whether it's a whirleybird or a tight rigg.

Pole Hole � space for a Dude to put his love chisel.

Privileged Dudes - Dudes who have better gear than most Dudes.

Pull a Karl � go absolutely fuckin� berserk over nothin�.

Purn-Burn � when a Dude�s love tool gets chafed from havin� too much fun wit� skin mags.� Ask D-Bomb about this one.

P.Y.T. � pretty young thang.

Realm of Dudes - the coolness level most Dudes are at.� It's much higher than regular people.

Recharge - what a Dude has to do when he is out of juice from partyin' too hard.� He has a couple Tocks, Burgs, and 'Ders upon takin' a little cat nap & everything is alright after that.

Rock Hop � what a Dude has to do while rockin� a keg or anything similar, and another Dude wants to get in on the action & needs room.

Rockin' the Bit - playin' the 8-Bit.

Salt Mines - where Dudes go to do work for beer money.

Samiches - Dudes Sandwiches.

Sein-Sein � T.V. show Seinfeld.

Sein Time � the time at which Sein-Sein comes on Dudes Boob Tube.� In Nellyville, 10 p.m.

Shooter Sweet - bitchin' rad.

Shower On a Stick � Dudes Deodorant.

Skin Mags - pornographic magazines.

Smeatin' - smokin' a cig and noshin' on vittles at the same time.

Snot-Lockered - shit-faced.

St. Louis Browns - American League baseball team that was around from 1902-1953.

Supporter Scarf � a scarf with the logo and-or name of a sports team.� i.e.:� St. Louis Cardinals, St. Louis Blues, Green Bay Packers, Philadelphia 76ers, Manchester United, etc.

Sweaties - Dudes Sweatpants.

Taint Department - department of gettin' fresh wit' whirleybirds.

Team Al � the team of Dudes at the infamous Crown Candy Malt-Off.� Big Al was the contestant.� Nighthawk was his manager.� D-Bomb was his trainer.�� Dr. E.W. was his doctor.

Team Al Secret Sign �� horizontal thump, un-lock(clockwise motion), and point.� To be done in that order and to be done only by members of Team Al.

The Bowl - Penis Drain.

The King - Burger King.� The home of Flame-Broiled Goodness.

The Rack - Dudes Bed.

Thermies - Dudes Thermal Underwear.� Great for cold days and cold nights.

Toll On The Bowl - cable that shows the toilet what's up.

Toof Brush - 1. Dudes Toothbrush.� 2. 8Bit's gangsta name.

Total Nails - smokin' hot.� In reference to a whirleybird.

Tubie Time - feedin' time for the Cable Monster.

Tubie War - the battle that goes on between the Dude who's layin' cable and the Cable Monster.

Turd Chaser � Dudes Plumber.

Ultimate Dudes Digs - Graceland in Memphis, Tennessee.

Upper Decker - layin' cable in the tank of a toilet.

X-Y-Z � examine your zipper.

4-1-1 - the down-low.� The skinny.� The inside info.

Comin' In Magazine Issue 4

��

-Dudes Vinyl by 8Bit-

-Dr. E.W. explains to Dudes why the U.S.S.R. is sweet-

-Dudes D.I.Y. by Twisted Eric-

-L-Vis writes how everyone currently in High School is a JERK!-

-Bunkley gives Dudes the 4-1-1 on Levi's and Dudes Leans-

-BassAmp! Shares stories 'bout the Ramones-

-WWF vs. WWE-

and How Certain Broads Shouldn't Dress by Laquisha-

WHAT THE CRITICS THINK OF ISSUE 3

"I've never taken a better shit since readin' this mag!" - P. Swayze

"I want to write for Dudes Magazine!" - Stephen King

"I would give it 2 thumbs up, but I'm busy wipin' my ass!" - Roger Ebert

"The word DUDE means a lot to me now!" - Bill S. Preston Esquire�

�

"Dudes keep comin' back for more!" - The Cable Monster

Dudes Magazine Contact Info

Send your bras, panties, and used tampons to:

Dudes Magazine World Headquarters

714 Zeiss Avenue

Lemay, MO 63125

or write dirty letters to:

dudes magazine@hotmail.com

Dudes Magazine

THE WORLDWIDE LEADER

Games - Horoscopes - Trivia

M*A*S*H�� SUCKS!!!!!

By Root

on the Run

By L-Vis

Squared

By Nighthawk

Somebody Get Me A Doctor!

Dudes Magazine Book Report-O-Rama

By Jenny Longshot

Digs

Dudes Digs Upkeep

GONE

8-Bit pounds a 40 OZ.

Wears

By Nighthawk

BABES

Dudely Dude Profile

Matthew Lesko

By The Cable Monster

Jaunts

By Mr. Rin Tin Tin

Rekkids

By L-Vis

Thin Lizzy - Jailbreak

The Replacements - All For Nothing/Nothing For All

Self - Gizmodgery

The Detroit Cobras - Life, Love and Leaving

The Phonocaptors - Futura Phono

What Would You do, Dude?

By Mr. Rin Tin

Outdoors

By Root

Johnny Cash

General George Armstrong Custer

Al Capone

Schucker Do's and Dont's

By D-Bomb

BONUS

Recruitment Ad

ATTENTION DUDES MAGAZINE READERS!

Look-a-Likes

Shitbag Actor o� the Month

Brian Dennehy

SHARK ATTACK!

Son-of-Obitchuary

By Lonewolf

Photos

By Ran-Man

Crown Candy

Tea Bag o' the Month

Big Al gets the Bilbo Baggins

M.I.L.F. o' the Month

Raddest Dude Alive

Glutton

8Bit lets it hang out

Mutton

Dutton

Cable Country - where the cable Monster gets his chill on at.

Gettin' Your Swerve On - cruisin' in your rigg.

Rockin' the Bit - playin' the 8-Bit.

Sein-Sein � T.V. show Seinfeld.

-Dudes Vinyl by 8Bit-

WHAT THE CRITICS THINK OF ISSUE 3

"I've never taken a better shit since readin' this mag!" - P. Swayze

"The word DUDE means a lot to me now!" - Bill S. Preston Esquire�

Dudes Magazine Contact Info

MAS*H�� SUCKS!!!!!